"Past Sins"
Copyright 2008 Penn O'Hara
T
Usual disclaimers apply.
LOCI Timeline: During Season Seven.
MY LOCI Timeline: Post "Conversations".
A/N: See "Other Choices" for the St Patrick's Day reference herein, and thanks, El Chacal, for reminding me Van Buren is not a Captain. LOL. Mind slip there.
oOo
Chapter Two
The young Rosella eyed Carolyn warily from within its cage, wings twitching, hopping nervously on its perch, prepared to take evasive action should she move from the couch. But Carolyn didn't feel like going anywhere. She'd sought the sanctuary of Alex Eames' apartment, hoping for affirmation of her decision to tax Mike with what she knew.
"He left you standin' on the sidewalk?" Alex asked, incredulous, returning to the living room after making coffee. "What a jerk!"
Carolyn instinctively defended her man. "He…was hurt. That I didn't believe him. I should have more faith."
"There's faith and there's denial," Alex said firmly before handing over a cup to Carolyn. She folded a leg under herself as she joined Carolyn on the couch and sipped at her own.
"Everyone's talkin' about it," Alex went on. "Not when he's around though. The women who like Logan reckon it happened after Olivet stopped counselin' him. Those that wouldn't touch him with a bargepole thought she deserved what she got for sullyin' herself."
Carolyn felt a prickle of anger at her friend's brusque dismissal of Mike, before dousing it with the knowledge that Alex Eames' directness was what made her such a good friend. You always knew where you were with her. No hidden agendas.
"That's kinda harsh, even for you," Carolyn said. "What do you think?"
Alex took a sip from her cup and grinned. "I'm one of the ones that like him."
"You think he and Liz did—?"
Alex shrugged. "Why not? It seems after the doctor-patient relationship ended, they remained friends, and well, friends sometimes fuck for the fun of it—"
"Alex!"
"Carolyn!" Alex mimicked her shocked indignation exactly. "If you can't handle Logan bein' with other women in the past, then you have a serious issue you need to address."
Carolyn was uncomfortable her friend could think her so petty. "You think that's all this is?" she asked, not disguising her resentment. "Jealousy?" She leaned forward and put her cup on the coffee table, turning to face Alex. "You didn't hear the guys in the office. Mike's name was being bandied around with speculation and ridicule. I just wanna look out for him. Squash this before it gets ridiculous."
"You mean they haven't got to Olivet havin' Logan's baby yet?"
Carolyn gasped, her heart flooring. "Is that the rumor in Major Case?" she choked.
Alex put a hand over Carolyn's where it lay on the couch. "That's one of the lesser ones." Her face softened into a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry, Carolyn, you think I'm being cruel. But you gotta prepare yourself for what you're gonna hear. People love to talk. And Logan has always provided good fuel. He's never been one to—"
A knock at the door had Alex' head turning, her eyes brightening into expectation. "That must be Bobby," she said, with a breathless anticipation. She searched Carolyn's face. "Do you want me to tell him to go?"
Aware that Alex and Bobby's feelings for each other ran deeper than anyone else suspected, Carolyn was torn between good manners demanding she allow them their private moment and a natural curiosity to hear Bobby's take on the Olivet issue.
"If you don't mind," she said, feeling selfish, "I'd like to hear what Bobby thinks."
Alex gave her hand an encouraging squeeze and hurried to let him in. Carolyn watched Bobby as he entered, eyes only for Alex and a warm smile on his lips. His head lowered toward her but Alex awkwardly stepped away from his kiss of greeting, tipping her head toward the couch where Carolyn sat.
"I've got a visitor," she mumbled, color spreading up her neck when Bobby folded her into an embrace anyway.
Bobby swung his head around and raised a brow at Carolyn. "Barek," he said, his voice level and grave.
"Bobby," Carolyn returned, equally dead-pan.
He looked back at Alex. "If you don't kiss me, Barek will."
Carolyn couldn't prevent her crow of laughter. Bobby never took her to task for the way she kissed him in Murphy's the night of St Patrick's Day, but it seemed he was prepared to tease her about it. Unabashed, she watched him tenderly kiss Alex and thought again what an oddly-matched, but ideal couple they made. She wondered if her friends thought the same about her and Mike.
Alex broke from the embrace first, smoothing down her top with restive hands, while Bobby smiled at her indulgently. He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear, bending down and barring her path back to Carolyn as he checked out the effect.
"You blush beautifully, Alex," he said.
Eames tossed her head, undoing his adjustment. "Yeah, right," she said, gruffly. "Enough of that. Carolyn wants your opinion on somethin'."
Carolyn moved into one of the comfortable high-backed chairs on the other side of the coffee table so Bobby and Alex could settle on the couch. Bobby pulled Alex into the crook of his arm and held her resisting body fast as he gave Carolyn his full attention.
"You're concerned about the rumors…Logan and Olivet," he said, not surprising her by immediately going to the heart of the matter.
She nodded gratefully, glad she didn't have to explain. "Mike's denyin' it, but at the same time, he reacted badly. You know the old saying… about protesting too much."
"I would believe him," Bobby said frowning, as if surprised she didn't. "They've known each other… for over …fifteen years. They shared the most… emotionally intimate moments possible… for a man and woman."
Carolyn felt sick to the stomach. To hear it come so matter-of-factly from Bobby was worse than imagining it herself. She must have worn her reaction on her face, because Bobby lifted a hand and shifted on the couch so suddenly Alex grunted. Apologizing softly to her, he rearranged her against his side then turned his attention back to Carolyn.
"I…ah… don't mean as… lovers." He fixed her with an open and earnest stare. "Logan would have had to emotionally… bare himself as he worked through his response to the death of his partner. And Olivet…" He wound the air up with his hand. "…sought his help after experiencin' one of the most traumatic… violations possible for a woman." Carolyn saw his arm tighten around Alex as if in subconscious protection. "The bond they forged from these two incidents alone… is gonna put them in a place… where, ah… outside others may not understand the resulting relationship."
He pursed his lips, eyes narrowing. "For Logan and Olivet, though, these weren't… isolated incidents."
Carolyn nodded. "He visited her in the middle of the night soon after the Tarkman shooting," she said. "We all thought he was okay with how it went down, but..." She took a quick breath. "And I wasn't much help—" Her chest knotted, making it harder to explain. She hadn't been any use to him that night and he'd turned to Liz Olivet instead. She flayed herself with the knowledge, her throat tightening around her next words. "He knew she wouldn't… turn him away."
Bobby's frown deepened. "I was talkin' 'bout the time when Olivet… helped him with his retarded niece."
Her eyes widening, Carolyn straightened in her chair. "I didn't know…" With each piece of new information, she felt worse. "How—?" But it was an unnecessary question. Bobby Goren forgot more information than most people ever knew.
Bobby obligingly expanded. "Neighbors… disturbed by her occasional outbursts tried to get her committed. Olivet convinced the presiding judge in the matter to… not only let her remain in her own home… but ordered Medicaid to subsidize a live-in carer."
He paused, giving her time to interject, but Carolyn was rendered speechless by how little she knew about Mike and his family.
"These two have… supported each other for a long time," Bobby continued, "and I believe him if he said it was never… sexual." He looked down at the top of Alex' head where it nestled against his shoulder, the flare in his gaze confirming his relationship with Alex was very much so.
The fire was banked when he looked back at Carolyn. "But to question their bond… could be seen by Logan as… as questionin' his integrity. You would have prodded a… protective tiger."
"I didn't exactly give him the idea I believed him," Carolyn agreed guiltily. She processed what Bobby said, and it made a lot of sense. She wished she had been empathic enough to have seen it for herself. "I feel like a heel."
"It's not… uncommon for people too…ah, close to the subject to miss what others see. No need to be hard on yourself."
Alex stirred. "Any idea where he went?" she asked.
Carolyn sighed. "After he left the restaurant, I collected the car and went straight home. No sign he'd been there, so I went to his old apartment. It's not the first time—" She pulled herself up, shying away from thinking about his encounter with Holly the last time he stayed there. "He wasn't there either. Other than that—"
"An old watering hole?" Alex suggested.
"I rang there. Pete knows me. In fact, the bartender has even contacted me when Mike is feeling low enough to glue himself to a stool there."
"He and Captain Cragen are still friends?" Bobby asked and Carolyn nodded.
"Yeah. I didn't think of him. If he's there, he's in good hands. Maybe I shouldn't worry and just let him come home when he's ready."
Alex looked skeptical. "Sounds like a good idea, but can you do it?" She smiled, a mixture of teasing and disbelief.
Carolyn sighed again, her shoulders dropping. "You know me too well already."
oOo
Lifting leaden feet up the short flight of brick steps, Logan leaned one hand wearily against the door jamb and pressed his forehead against the wood of the front door, made cool by the night air.
He was a mass of conflicting emotions and unable to move past the stab of betrayal and lack of faith he perceived in Carolyn. After directing the cabbie to his old apartment, he prowled around its empty rooms — empty of Carolyn — before realizing it wasn't familiar walls he needed to salve his punctured pride, but a familiar friend. He decided to walk here rather than take another taxi, giving himself time to clear his head and get a calmer handle on himself.
Raising his arm, Logan gave the door three heavy knocks on the paneling and waited, chin tucked into his chest, his knuckles sliding down the surface as he let his arm fall by his side.
There was no need to knock again. The door opened and Logan lifted pleading eyes and gave a smile that was an embarrassed twist of his lips.
oOo
To be continued… up next, Logan and whoever opened that door.
oOo