Past Sins Chapter 3, a law and order: ci fanfic

WIP

"Past Sins"

Usual disclaimers apply.

LOCI Timeline: During Season Seven.

MY LOCI Timeline: Post "Conversations".

A/N: You might like to check out my Photostories on the two eps which feature Logan's and Olivet's "relationship" either professional or personal or both, BEFORE you read this chapter. In "Helpless", Logan's reactions are particularly 'telling'. You'll have to message me for the URLs though, ffnet regulations, using the email on my profile page.

oOo

Chapter Three

"You shouldn't have come," she said, her eyes, darting behind him, watchful.

"You want to be alone?" Logan asked. Her being guarded disturbed him, now of all times. She never turned him away, no matter the hour nor the problem. When his life spiraled out of control, she was a constant, an island upon which to drag himself to avoid the currents. His nerves tightened, feeling anxious that this had changed.

"I'm not alone." Her eyes slid in the direction of a room down the corridor. From its open door, Logan could hear the sound of a television broadcasting a late night news service.

"Then maybe I don't want to be alone." Desperation put an edge to his voice that she didn't deserve.

"You have Carolyn now."

He pushed himself from the door jamb where he had been leaning, and smacked his palm on the half-opened door. "Shit, Liz, are you going to let me in or not?" Logan's impatience grew as she hesitated, before finally stepping back and waving him in. Liz shut the door and was already walking down the corridor.

Shrugging out of his coat, he hung it beside the door, watching her pause at the living room and speak quietly to someone inside. In his present mood, he didn't even care who she had with her, catching up to follow her to the study, where he prowled, restlessly stopping and swinging around to fix her with a glare.

He watched her delicately curl her slim body into her favorite arm-chair, wrists draped over its wide rests, and poise herself for his explanation of the reason for his visit. Faced with such calm acceptance of his disturbing her and her plans for the evening, Logan felt like a heel, something he'd never experienced with her before.

"You know why I'm here," he said, throwing himself onto the well-worn sofa before she made an issue of his impatience.

"You think I need sympathy? From you?" Her eyes, neutral before, now hardened. The last time he'd seen that expression she'd been attacked too, physically then, now verbally. "I want an apology. From Jack McCoy. A public admission even, that he crossed the line. I don't need the DA's Office. I don't need the NYPD. But it suits them all to use me!"

"And you don't need me?" Logan sounded plaintive to his own ears, but he was raw from Carolyn's suspicions and it seemed Liz was accusing him of using her too.

She threw both hands into the air. "I don't need this! I was entertaining."

"You call watching the evening news, 'entertaining'?" he scoffed. "I haven't taught you anything."

"Maybe a man like you can't teach me anything!" she snapped.

The body-blow floored Logan, slapped back his next words and froze him half-way off the couch.

"Mike." Liz leaned forward, the hardness evaporating as if it had never been. "Neither of us need each other now. We've moved on. We've each found, at last, our soul-mates. We can finally let go."

"No! Damn you!" His limbs unlocked, but her calm implacability drove him back, deflated, onto the couch. "I can't let go. Not after what we've been through. Together. Not when you know so much about me. Sometimes, I think you know things I don't even know."

"Don't mistake the loss of your crutch for abandonment, Mike," she said linking her fingers in her lap and leaning back. "You're better than that. Carolyn and I aren't so different. She knows you better than you think, which is why she hung on when others have let go."

Logan wearily rubbed his face with his hands. "I think I blew it though. With Carolyn. I over-reacted." Liz made a non-committal noise and he looked up with suspicion, but her face was a calm mask. "She wanted to know about our relationship."

"What did you tell her?"

He threw out a hand. "How can I explain to someone else, something I can't define for myself?"

"What did you tell her?"

"That I … we did nothin' I'm ashamed of."

Liz nodded. "The truth can't hurt her. As for your over-reacting? She should be used to it."

He grimaced and took a deep breath. His nerves weren't so jangled, his blood flowing less hotly. "I don't deserve her."

Liz leaned forward quickly, grasping his knee and surprising him with her directness. "Mike Logan. Any woman who wins your love is set for life. I believe… Carolyn is the first. And she will be the last. That makes her truly fortunate."

Logan stared at her, unable move, nor answer. For a man scarred by one woman in his youth, he found it amazing two other women later in his life made him feel so special and… cherished.

"She hasn't tried to call you on your cell, has she?" Liz stated, as if already guessing the answer.

"No. If she did…"

Liz nodded and gave a knowing smile. "She won't. Because she does know you. She knows you need your space to work things through for yourself. And when you're ready… you'll go back to her better than you left her."

"What do I tell her?" he asked, regretting leaving her in a temper but resenting he had been provoked.

Leaning back in her chair again, Liz smiled the smile of the psychiatrist who will prod the deepest secrets from you but venture nothing of her own. "What you do is, love her with all of your being. Give her your present and your future, but you leave the past in the past."

Logan's eyes widened, his jaw dropping slightly. "Did you just tell me what to do without making me work it out for myself?"

Liz laughed, and shook her head. "I believe you've already done that. Before you second-guessed yourself. Before you came here." She linked her hands again. "So… why did you come here?"

Logan was still, searching her face, gauging how much to tell her. "I was concerned. For you. You got the raw deal from our department. Several times."

"Another reason why I went into private practice and free-lanced. Like I said before, I don't need the DA's Office. I was doing them a service and this is how they repay me."

"Is there anything I can do?" He didn't know what. If he tried to quash the rumors, he would only fuel the fire. To say nothing, would make them look guilty.

Tipping her head to the side, Liz smiled. "You could go and take a swing at Jack for me, but I wouldn't want to put you back on the island."

Logan started to smile until her last statement pricked at his guilt. "I'm sorry about that. I never kept in touch."

"You never do when you're flaying yourself for imagined sins. It's one of the things that frustrates me so."

Logan's mouth twisted and he took another deep breath, processing how he felt. "I think… I have done it. I have moved on. I don't need my 'crutch' any more."

"Then I am the loser here. I shall miss you, Mike."

She gracefully slid from her chair, clasped his hands and drew him to his feet. Pressing her body into his, she held him to her in a fierce hug, her cheek against his heart.

"There was so much between us," she murmured against his chest, "but so much we never did. How crazy is that?"

"Coming from a shrink, Liz…"

With her body against his, his chin resting atop her head, he didn't need to finish the sentence.

oOo

When her cell rang in her pocket, Carolyn whipped it out, fumbling in her haste, desperate for the caller to be Mike. She didn't care how pathetic it might look to Alex and Bobby while the caller ID confirmed her hopes.

"Mike! Where are you?"

"Where do you want me to be?" His voice was laden with uncertainty, but Carolyn was too glad to hear it to think about scoring points with him.

"Oh, hon, with me. No where but with me." Her heart was thumping in her chest, making her aware how terrified she had been that she had pushed him too far. "Tell me where you are and I'll come and get you."

"No, I'll…I'll get a taxi. See you at home?"

"Yes, hon, I'll see you there." She gently closed the lid of the phone, biting her lip, then looked at Bobby.

"What do I do?" she asked. "Make him talk about it or drop it?"

"I'd demand to know where he's been for starters," Alex said crisply from under Bobby's arm, and Goren gave her an indulgent squeeze.

"Follow his lead," Bobby amended, smiling through Alex' glare. "If he wants… to explain where he's…ah, been… then listen. Don't force it outta him."

"And the rumors?" Carolyn persisted, unsure how to handle those.

"You'll give them credibility… if you get involved. And they're… no one's business but Elizabeth Olivet's and… ah, whoever that detective was."

oOo

A/N: Did Liz and Mike…? Or didn't they? Up next… Carolyn and Mike.