A.N. Here's the second installment of this crack fic! Hope ya like it! This is for all you Cori fans!
Disclaimer: I don't own CATS or Steve Wilkos. Wow, I never thought I would be saying those two things in the same sentence.
Steve Wilkos stood at the front of the stage, and looked down at his reference cards.
"Hello and welcome to the show, my name is Steve Wilkos. My first guest is Coricopat," He nodded to the cat sitting on the chair in front of him, "who says he and his mate have begun a war of dominance. Now Coricopat, tell us your story."
"Well it first started out that me and Tantomile-"
"Who's your mate, right?"
"Yes, that's right. Now as I was saying, Tantomile and I were bored one day, so I decided to annoy her by showing off my physic powers."
"And you have these because you're Siamese Twins, right?"
"Yes."
"Wait," Steve looked confused, "if you're mates, do you sometimes have sex?"
"Well, yes." Coricopat seemed a little put off by this.
"But you're also Siamese Twins?"
"Yeah..." The cat answered, not liking where this was going.
"INCEST!" Shrieked Steve, "INCEST!"
"NO, NO!" Coricopat cried, "We're called twins but we aren't related at all!"
"Yeah, right." Steve glared at Cori, "Excuses, excuses."
He took a moment to calm down. "Tell me. Does she always willingly, uh, do stuff with you?"
Coricopat put on a sly tone. "Well, ya know. Some days she doesn't want to, but I always manage to get her to, ya know, get it on."
"RAPE!" Screamed Steve, "INCEST AND RAPE!"
"WHAT! I never said that!"
"YES YOU DID! YOU SAID THAT SOMEDAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO, BUT YOU ALWAYS DO IT TO HER ANYWAY!"
Coricopat sighed exasperatedly, "That's not what-"
"Do you know what I make incest rapists do? I MAKE THEM STAND UP!"
"Why?"
"CAUSE I SAID SO!"
"I don't have to," Coricopat answered calmly.
"WELL YOU'RE ON STEVE'S STAGE, AND IF YOU'RE ON STEVE'S STAGE WHATEVER STEVE'S SAYS GOES AND IF WHATEVER STEVE SAYS GOES, YOU DO WHATEVER STEVE TELLS YOU TO DO ON STEVE'S STAGE!"
"Well someone likes to talk in third position, don't they?"
"STEVE DOESN'T-I MEAN I DON'T TALK IN THIRD POSITION! NOW GET UP!"
"Fine," grumbled Coricopat.
As Coricopat got up, Steve took the chair that the cat used to sit on and he tossed to the back of the stage, along with the other ones. Coricopat, thinking this was completely unfair and way too excessive, sighed.
"Oh, you wanna sigh on my stage like that, huh? Well, guess what, if I don't do it, you don't do it. Now find a better attitude, and maybe we'll be able to talk like the adults that we are."
Coricopat, bored with this whole thing, sighed again and lay down.
"NO. You get up. Get up right now. You don't lie down on my stage! You will stand up like a man!"
Coricopat scoffed but stood up. Steve decided to ignore the scoff.
"So you're saying that you wanted to bug her by reading her mind, then what?"
"Well," began Cori, "I kept doing it, and she got annoyed."
Steve's nostrils flared. "She got annoyed? That would be considered harassment! I cannot believe you! You are a no good incest rapist who harasses his own wife! WHY I OUGHTA-I OUGHTA THROW YOU IN THE SLAMMER AND SEE HOW WELL YOU SURVIVE IN THERE! HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT?"
"Probably as much as I like vacuums," Cori muttered under his breath, but Steve only saw him mouth the word "vacuum". Now, it may not be clear to you, but if you mouth the word vacuum, it looks A LOT like "f- you".
Steve, thinking that's what he said, charged up to him and got into his face.
"THERE WILL BE NO SWEARING ON MY STAGE!" He growled menacingly, "IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
Coricopat, having no idea what was going on, said nothing.
"IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
Silence.
Steve, trying a different approach, got even closer and said strongly, "APOLOGIZE."
Refusing to co-operate, the cat said nothing.
"APOLOGIZE!"
Still nothing.
Steve, finally giving up decided to move on.
"OK. I will be generous this time and let you slide. Let's move on. You say that she tried to get back at you?"
"Yeah, but I quickly knocked some sense into her. It's impossible to get back-"
"WIFE BEATER!" Steve yelled at him.
"Huh?"
"YOU KNOCKED HER SENSELESS! YOU'RE A WIFE BEATER!"
"I DIDN'T BEAT HER!"
"OH I'M SURE! ALL IT IS TO YOU IS JUST ONE THING TO ADD TO SUCH AN IMPRESSIVE RESUME! LIAR, INCEST, RAPE, HARASSER, AND NOW A WIFE BEATER! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!"
And with that, Steve took a chair, and chucked it against the wall, so hard that the two back legs got stuck, and it was just hanging there. He took another chair and threw it in the opposite direction. It shattered when it hit the ground. He took the third and final chair and slammed it on the floor of the stage. Like the second, it shattered on impact.
Breathing heavily, he finally returned to the center of the stage. "I couldn't live with myself if I did what you did! If I found out my daughter's were getting treated like your wife, I would kick their boyfriend's ass and do everything in my power to see that they get hauled in jail!"
He leaned in real close.
"You wouldn't want to go to jail now, would you?"
That was it. Coricopat had enough. He leaped up at Steve's face, hissing and scratching. Instantly, ten buff guards piled on top of the poor cat. They all grabbed for him, and kept a secure hold on him.
Steve, who had been hurried away by two guards, came back and went straight up to Coricopat.
"You wanna fight me? Go ahead, I'd like to see you try! C'mon, try it. Scratch me. I dare you."
Coricopat willed himself to stay calm. He was already in a bad position. He stayed perfectly still, and one by one, the guards got off. Finally it was just him and Steve, in the center of the stage, Steve's taunts still running at full speed.
Once Steve saw that the cat in front of him wasn't going to do anything, he stopped.
"Ok. Corigosplat-if-he-tries-that-one-more-time, I'm going to ask you to leave the stage while your mate comes out here."
"My name's Coricopat, not Corigosplat."
"LEAVE!"
Coricopat raced off.
As soon as Coricopat had completely left the stage, Steve introduced Tantomile.
"Our second guest is Tantomile, Coricopat's mate. How are ya doing, Tantomile?"
"As good as I can be. I mean, I'm on this show aren't I?"
"True. Now, tell me, how do you think this whole thing started?"
"Well, personally, I think it started two weeks ago, when I got pregnant, probably from Alonz-uh, I mean, uh, Cori! YEAH! Cori!"
But Cori had heard. He came ripping back onto the stage screaming at Tantomile, "WHAT? YOU CHEATED ON ME? WITH ALONZO! HOW COULD YOU? YA KNOW WHAT? WE'RE LEAVING!"
Steve tried to intervene, but Cori had other plans. He dragged her out the door, but not before stabbing Steve with a broken chair leg, right through the chest, killing him instantly. The frantic audience members could hear the two cat's conversation as they went out the door.
"Ow! Cori-"
"DON'T CALL ME CORI ANYMORE!"
"Stop dragging me, Coricopat! This hurts! Where are you taking me?"
"TO THE MAURY SHOW!"
More chapters to come soon, hope ya liked it, and R&R.
Steve, on the tiniest little chance that you or your children will read this, I don't mean any disrespect, I'm a huge fan of yours!