Sunshine wasn't going to deny how she had felt about Jesse. However, it was undoubtedly clear that whatever feeling had been there, had now vanished.
She speculated on the moment that it had happened, as she sat in the abandoned practice room, repeatedly striking a chord on the piano in front of her, thoughts distracting her absent piano playing.
The problem had been that she hadn't known Jesse.
She had seen a part of him, and known that the rest was buried beneath the surface, beneath pain and trauma. She had, in almost every fantasy of them, helped him. She had saved him and nursed him out of the darkness. She had been his light and the most significant person for him. She had started to fall in love with the fantasy. Belting Only Girl In The World in the auditorium, just waiting until she would be the only one in his. She had seen the scenes play out in her mind a thousand times. To be the one that brought him back to reality, back to himself. A montage of emotional transformation with musical numbers while they fell in love, always plagued her before bed. They would realize they were perfect for each other, that he had needed her all along. She would be all that mattered. Her plan had been working, she had been chipping away at the surface, at the mystery, which she had refused to attribute only to UCLA, when Rachel had ruined everything.
Sunshine was the one that wanted to feel special. Saving Jesse would give her that. She saw Rachel as a threat. It soon became evident that Rachel Berry was the one person that could cause a transformation in Jesse. The one that could change everything. She did.
Sunshine wasn't oblivious to the change, but she caked it in denial at first. Then it became unbearably clear. She had been enthralled by the mystery of Jesse, his hidden talent, his tortured act. She recalled the exact moment that she had suddenly found herself not caring for him. Immune to Jesse St James and all his hidden and all too obvious charms. Sickened by her previous months of lust. Nauseated by him and his true colors.
The mystery had fallen, and his true self could not be unseen, almost as if someone pointed out the rabbit in the ambiguous duck photo. She could not return. She didn't feel special or foolish or even angry at herself. Just tired. Sick of having spent so much time on him, all that energy wasted.
The arrogant bastard, who never shut up about himself. The fights, the clash of opinion, the inability to open up and show his real self. All that drama and flash and show. She felt like Holden Caulfield with the sudden realization that everyone is a phony. Jesse was the biggest of all. She wondered if it was all still an act, if there was something more buried deep or if he really was so full of himself, a walking pop culture reference every moment and a strong warrior against anyone who claimed that Grease 2 had good moments.
It wasn't that he was bad, it was just that suddenly she knew they didn't mean anything to each other. She was sick of peeling back layer after layer, not content the deeper she went, wondering if there was a real Jesse below. It was just obvious that she had loved the idea of him, and more than that, the idea of being the one to save him.
She had acknowledged all this ( which she had previously denied) while on some chat conversation with him. He was going on about some youtube video ( of himself, no less) when suddenly he logged off. She found herself surprisingly relieved. It was almost as if she had acted as if she was in love with him for months, she found herself faking the emotions now, not wanting him to know that he annoyed her or that anything had changed.
Maybe that was it, they were done. They would be enemies on rival teams and nothing more. She could live with that: flashes of a Jesse free school year popped into her mind. She smiled at the irony. She had spent months after all thinking about him, trying to find his mysterious truth and now the opposite made her happy. Forgetting about him, she mused as a plan while absently clicking the link he had sent to her ten minutes ago before his egocentric ramble about his voice.
She watched the edited video in horror. The Real Jesse St James. That's who she had wanted to find, after all.
Apparitions of change loomed in again, maybe she could save him. She slipped back into the familiar ideas that had consumed her for months. She called him on her cellphone.
"We were having a conversation, dude" she feigned anger. After all, she was the one there for him now, she was the one that was going to help him through this. She needed to feel special, and being Jesse's saviour was certainly one way.
He screamed to her, yelled out in passionate anger, fury, expelling all his emotions, driving their phone bills up. She packed into her car and went to him that night. Watched musicals with him, convinced him that everything was going to be ok. They fell asleep on the couch together. It was the beginning of what she had always imagined.
Then they woke up from the dream. By morning his energy was gone, drained from the yelling and screaming and emotions of the night before. From watching West Side Story and fighting about the Jets and Sharks. Until they fell asleep with the tv still on, remains of food and drink on the coffee table. Thinking of their futures and their lives.
His emotions were fading now and he was falling back into darkness, a darkness she wanted to save him from.
She couldn't come back the next day, but instead did the day after, skipping school to make sundaes together, talk non stop about theatre, making outlandish claims that, were he in a better mood, he would have shot down with a different opinion.
"I actually love the movie version of Rent, except for Maureen" she purred and saw his eye twitch at the idea, but he said nothing, scooping the ice cream into his mouth absently instead of fighting back.
"So, we watched everything, I'll do a video run?" she muttered, wondering if he would care when she came back from the video store in an hour. Maybe she could just drive away.
"Moulin Rouge" he muttered "and 42nd Street" he offered and she nodded, pausing Cabaret on the giant tv screen, though they hadn't really been paying attention to the movie at all.
"And the new fame, I hear it's amazing, just like Brando in Guys and Dolls" she tried to awaken his anger again, he merely nodded in a daze, still staring at Cabaret as if it was moving.
She walked back in to the house, from the video store to see Rachel's healing effects instantly. She felt a pang of jealousy but what hurt more was the realization crashing back over her. A day and a half wasted and it took Rachel less than a half hour! The stupidity that she had thought she was the one to save him, flushed all over again. She needed to get out of there, had to get away.
She felt empty inside. Over the next hours, which she had reluctantly agreed to stay for, she saw only his faults all over again. She was relieved at the end of the evening, waving them from her car and glad to be done with them both. They were perfect for each other. Rachel belonged there, with him.
As infatuated as she had been with Jesse's mystery and the intoxication of being special to him, it didn't take a genius to see that they didn't belong together. She was Rosline, but Rachel was his Juliet. Sunshine was Meg to his phantom, but she would never be Christene.
Her time was up, time for her curtain call. She would go onto greater things, not held back by the fantasy of who Jesse had been to her. Of who she had wanted to be to him.
"I am very disappointed in you guys" Shu was saying the next day in Glee. Jesse sat in the front row, beside Rachel. A smug smile on his face.
"It was harmless" Finn defended.
"I want you each to personally apologize to Jesse, take down the video if it is still up, dedicate this week's glee assignments to him. An apology song"
"What!" Puck interjected but Shu kept going.
"Further more, Sam, you are no longer singing in the solos in our performances this week. The school assembly or the PTA meeting on Saturday night. Those are going to Jesse. Which means that Mercedes, you have to practice with Jesse as you two will be singing the duet for the PTA performance."
"How is that fair? I match him in tone the best!" Rachel cried out. Shu carried on, not addressing her concern.
"Jesse is part of this team. Frankly, none of you have treated him that way. We all need to be nicer to him. Work together. This isn't just a club, it's a community. Anyone who's joined has been accepted. We take people for who they are here, it's always been like that"
"He betrayed us!" Artie defended.
"Well before you were all buddy-buddy with Puck, didn't he lock you in a porta potty? Finn was never this cruel to Puck, not even after the Quinn thing. Seriously guys!" Rachel announced and the club was silent. "I suffered the most! What happens between me and Jesse is not the clubs concern. You all just wanted a reason to be mean"
"The hobbit and helmet hair are getting it on" Santana mused from the back absently. Rachel whipped around and shot her a nasty look.
"We need to be together from now on" Shu explained at the front, sighing at the lack of unity lately. "Leave the past behind and work towards our future. Regionals"
"For the record" Jesse chimed "I've been nothing but nice, try to keep in mind I would rather be in University right now."
"What were you guys thinking?" Shu addressed the 5 guys around the room in the circle. He had held them back after glee club.
"We just wanted to make sure he was on our side" Puck defended.
"Ya we got that with the grease and honey" Rachel snapped back. "The video was too much"
"Why are they here?" Finn asked, pointing to Jesse and Rachel sitting across the circle from them.
"This is about me" Jesse responded. "Rachel's moral support" he smirked.
"Look I had no part in this!" Sam defended "I kind of think Jesse's cool. I mean, scary confident and everything, but cool and wicked pipes"
"Newbie" Puck shook his head. "I stand by what I did. You needed to put in your place. You can't come to our club, thinking you're the one that's gonna make us win"
"Preach" Artie commented "Seriously, we got talent too" Artie said, backing up Puck.
"Artie, what was your role in this?" Shu prompted it.
"Let me break it down" Puck continued. "It was my idea cuz I'm the most badass. Finn came along cuz we all know he still wants Rachel back. Artie's the video genius who did the editing" Puck looked pleased with himself.
"How did you find the video?" Shu asked.
"It was on his myspace" Mike commented.
"I thought you didn't have one" Rachel commented, Jesse turned to her.
"It's from 6 years ago. I meant to delete it, I never use it. I don't need one" Jesse sighed.
"And I found it, but I didn't mean to get this carried away. I didn't think we edit the voice or anything" Mike defended.
"You should've just put Finn's voice over mine. That would have been bad enough" Jesse sniped.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Finn stormed.
"You can't sing and it's no wonder Rachel cheated on you?" Jesse asked. Finn got visibly angry.
"Alright guys, let's calm down a bit" Shu cut in before the fight ensued.
"I stand by Puck, he deserved it" Finn rebuked. "He may be on the team, but he's not a member and we clearly don't want him. He didn't earn it, he acts like he's better than us and he tries to buy us off"
"I don't actually care that much" Puck commented "I mean, he's a jerk and everything. But I just got carried away-"
"-we just wanted to be badass again" Artie agreed.
"I'd never done a prank" Mike agreed.
"Alright, well we have to work on this guys." Shu interjected. "Now I don't want to be an elementary school teacher, but I want you all to say sorry and then you can go"
"I'm looking forward to your sorry songs" Jesse addressed them.
"I'm sorry dude" Sam slurred and gave a giant half smile before getting out of his chair and walking towards the door.
"Ya Man, sorry. It went too far" Mike commented, getting up and following Sam not even moments later.
"I apologize or something" Puck offered.
"Thanks" Jesse nodded. "It was actually a pretty brilliant idea"
"I know right?" Puck laughed. "Seriously. I don't really care. Welcome to the team, you're jewish right?" He didn't wait for Jesse to respond.
"Initiation over" Artie enunciated. "Sorry" he smirked and Puck wheeled him out. Only Finn was left in the room with them now.
"I'm not going to say it" Finn said finally.
"Look I know you hate me" Jesse commented. "We have to put that behind us"
"You deserved it. Karma or Karminian-"
"-not a word Finn" Rachel commented and he nodded, continuing.
"Karma and energy and all that"
"Ya maybe I deserved getting deferred a year, but not this." Jesse countered "Some stupid prank because you're not over Rachel? Then be with her, don't be an idiot. It's called fighting for what you want" Jesse stood. "Sorry to say it, but you can learn from me" He started heading towards the exit.
"Where are you going?" Shu prompted, Jesse turned all the door.
"It's ok, I don't need his apology. I get it. I wouldn't give him one" the door shut with a click behind him.
"I do still care about you" Finn spoke out before he could stop himself.
"Funny way of showing it." Rachel breathed back. "You don't talk to me, you basically hate me and you use it as and excuse to attack Jesse. Who never hurt you personally-"
"- he hurt you! You can't forget all that"
"You dumped me Finn, I can move on however I want, and I have" she snapped. She stopped at the door. "And for the record, the worst thing he did was a stupid prank because he had to show his allegience. You egged me out of sheer cruelty" She shook her head with silent sadness and whipped the door open, letting it slam behind her loudly, performing a classic Rachel Berry storm out.
Jesse was waiting outside the classroom, looking dangerously good, leaning against the lockers.
"I was thinking Fame, and Baskin Robbins to celebrate" she prompted, coming up to him.
"Celebrate?" he asked and she smiled.
"You've been here less than a month, got two solos this week and you're on the team. Celebration" she confirmed and he grinned.
"Well if it's a real party, Black Swan and Toast Français" he offered.
"Mais Oui Monsieur!" she giggled as he pulled her into a kiss. They were still attached at the lips, her hands twisted around his neck and his on her waist as the door swung open and Shu and Finn came out of the choir room, Shu clearly lecturing Finn about team work.
Rachel pulled away from Jesse, quickly blushing at the PDA.
"We should go" she told him, taking his hand in hers and leading him to walk away. She didn't have to look back to know Finn was watching them leave. A month ago she would have cared, convinced herself he was the one for her. She doubted love now and how fast her feelings seemed to change. Though there was no doubt, Jesse's hands seemed to fit perfectly in hers.
"I'm on my way" Sunshine told them that evening, shaking her head as she took another bite of the pizza. They were sitting cross- legged around his living room coffee table, eating pizza and taking a break from their creative song practicing upstairs.
"It's not even relevant" Rachel snapped back.
"But he can make it relevant!" Sunshine responded and then proceeded to sing a line wiping her hands on a napkin before singing out. "Tell every body I'm on going to UCLA, new friends and new places to see. With the sun shining high in the California sky, there's nowhere else I would rather be."
"I still stand by Walk Like a Man. It makes almost perfect sense" Rachel confirmed, shaking her head to Sunshine's opinion.
"I don't think it should be a musical and it's my song anyway" Jesse cut across them, leaning one elbow on the coffee table and running his fingers through his hair, trying not to look at Rachel too often. Though he was sure Sunshine already suspected that they were back together.
"We Are the Champions then or I'm Alive, or Beast in Me" Sunshine rounded of songs and Jesse shrugged.
"Well, I have rehearsal anyway" Sunshine lied, standing. "Thanks for the pizza J-man"
"Sunny" he responded with a nod.
When he had first started using the nickname months ago, she had despised it. It had lumped her into the friend zone, even more than that, she was just one of the guys. But now it brought a smile to her face.
"Send me the link when you get it done, ya?" she asked, not wanting to make a big show of it, but wanting to say goodbye.
"Yes Ma'am" he responded, standing to give her a hug, the finality of the good bye looming.
"I'll see you" he muttered.
"Regionals" she confirmed with a smile. He laughed in response.
"You'll see my dust" he smirked. She smiled in return, secretly annoyed at his ego. They had spent 3 hours after school talking about him again, his video, his return to the web in some epic song. She was tired of it.
"Bye" she commented, pulling him in a for a quick hug.
"Thanks, for standing by me when no one did" Jesse muttered and Sunshine nodded silently with a sad smile.
Rachel stood accordingly and extended a cordial hand. Sunshine shook it.
"Thank you for your help" she smiled as it was the best she could do.
"No problem RB and J" Sunshine responded before flashing them another big smile and heading towards the door. Rachel lit up at the idea of a new relationship nickname and gave a small wave.
They heard the door close seconds later and Jesse came to Rachel's side of the small coffee table, sitting close to her in a cross legged position.
"Do you miss it?" she asked after a few moments of silence.
"Sunshine? She just left" he responded but she shook her head with a laugh.
"No, Vocal Adrenaline" she confirmed. He shook his head, draping an arm around her shoulders.
"Why would I?" he asked in a whisper. "I have you"
She blushed with an embarrassed laugh before his lips touched hers and suddenly rehearsal was the last thing on their minds as they crashed onto each other in a lopsided fall. Rachel shrieked with laughter.
"Let me go" she screamed, as if he was pinning her to the ground with effort. He laughed in response, singing "I will not let you go", quoting Queen effortlessly.
She laughed in response to his cheesiness and brought him into another kiss, not thinking about the time or glee club or school, just about his lips on hers and how his fingertips grazed the skin under her shirt, pulling it off her. She was too busy taking his off to care though.
The next day after school as she watched Jesse on stage from the aisles of the auditorium, she wanted to be focusing on his song, the perfect blend of words and music he had somehow compiled. However, she couldn't think straight, she was blushing. Just the memory of last night was turning her cheeks red. She needed to be paying attention, he was singing in the auditorium, performing the song he had mashed up together for her so she could approve before they filmed it. The problem was, she couldn't get the night before out of her head. It wasn't that they had actually done it, but they had been getting close. Too close before she realized she needed to stop him, before she wanted to stop him. Before she sat up, pulling his hands away from her skirt before it too was lost to the pile of clothes growing bigger on the floor beside them.
"Wait" she had muttered, sitting up, though not climbing off him yet. His hair was a disarrayed mess and he was panting hard, looking up at her with a questioning look. Suddenly everything became transparently and vivid- she was shirtless, he was shirtless, he was working on her skirt, she had been thinking about his pants.
"We can't" she muttered, looking up to see the film on the tv had finished. How long ago had that been? How long had they been on top of each other, rolling around the floor, hands all over each other, twisting in each other's hair, grappling at each other's lips and not noticing anything else.
"Rach" he breathed but she could hardly think and was all of a sudden ashamed and surprised at what had been happening. It all seemed like a dream, slipping away and yet very vivid in her mind. She shook her head, trying to get off him graceful but toppling to the side, falling onto some clothes and a dvd case.
"I'm fine" she muttered, getting up quickly and covering up her front with her arms quickly, as if she didn't still have a bra on, as if they hadn't been making out for ages.
"I should go" she muttered, wondering now if she even had wanted to stop. What had pulled her off him? Had there been something that stopped her? She remembered now, it had been the sound of a near by door opening. The sudden irrational dread that someone would walk in. She pulled her shirt back onto her quickly, trying not to look back at him. He stood up, yanking his shirt on too.
"Bye" she muttered, gunning for the door, her sweater in her arms. He held her back by her wrist, pulling her into a good bye kiss. She didn't pull away, she barely had the sense to stop herself. She smiled at him with a dark laugh.
"We are so dangerous together" she mused aloud before giving him a peck on the cheek and heading towards the door. It was after, when she was outside that she had obsessed about it, thousands of emotions bursting over a hidden damn. Fear, heat, passion, desire, shame, and most of all wonder.
It had been farther than they had gone before and it made her wonder if she could really resist him. She bit her lip as he sang brilliantly on the stage and was very pleased with her decision. She had convinced him that day that they needed to rehearse and go over his material in the auditorium, for acoustic reasons. In reality, she was just terrified that they wouldn't practice at all and spend the whole time making out and stripping in his practice room.
The images flashed in front of her eyes and she tried to steer them away, but they were adamant. He finished the song and rushed down to her where she stood in the aisle.
"Well?" he asked, it wasn't helping that he was panting. That he was dressed head to toe in tight black gear.
"Good" she nodded with a smile.
"Come on!" he teased with a playful smile that send off fireworks somewhere nearby.
"Perfect" she breathed with a mixture of intense attraction, frustration and love. He pulled her into a hug and she rested her head on his chest, the moment captured in perfect silence.
"You seemed distracted" he mused after a moment. Red flushed to her face and she pulled away from him with an embarrassed laugh.
"No" she commented but knew he could see right through her. He arched an eye brow at her reaction.
"Rach?" he prompted and she shook her head as if to say it's not important. "You want me?" he asked, a mixture of extreme ego and confusion in his tone.
"The song was good" she commented abruptly. He nodded knowingly with a smile.
"I'm sorry if we went too far last night-" he commented softly and she smiled with happiness.
"No, we got carried away, it wasn't just you-" she responded meekly.
"Don't ever feel like you can't stop me if you are not comfortable" She shook her head with silent joy and fell back into his arms where she stayed for what seemed like hours. Maybe It was even forever.
Jesse had somehow survived the days at school. Though his mind was rarely on school. Since he had passed everything and only needed to remedy that false math grade, he spent his classes in a day dream. As memories of Rachel flushed to his mind and he couldn't get her out of his head. He zoned out in classes, just waiting for them to be over so that he could see her in the halls, after school. They had talked about keeping their relationship private for a while. The glee club would hate it and that was the last thing they needed right now. They resisted the urge to hold hands, though Finn knew and the others they didn't care about. They met every day after school to rehearse his revenge song and after that, he had to meet Mercedes to share the duet for the PTA performance. She was pleasant to him but still hadn't seemed to take a liking to him. He could deal with that, he didn't care about anyone but himself and Rachel any more after all.
It was Thursday, with the school assembly the next day and the PTA conference Saturday evening. They headed home together after glee. They sat on his bed, with computer in hand uploading the finished document. Rachel of wary of being on his bed with him, wanting him. Yet since the night on the floor earlier in the week he seemed to be less physical. Holding back for her sake. Which drove her wild and made her love him all the more.
"That's that" Rachel commented, pressing the final button to embed the video in the final website they had picked.
"Then with the PTA performance Saturday night and the Assembly tomorrow, I'll be back where I belong" he muttered to himself. She smiled back with a tiny hint of jealousy. She belonged in that PTA performance with him after all, but she let it slide away, giving him a congratulatory kiss instead.
William Shuester sat at his desk, reading over bad spanish essays, googling song options for the glee club and playing with a bottle cap when his email chimed. He went to the newest message.
Send to everyone you know. Please.
It commanded and he wondered for a second how Rachel even had his email.
It ended with a link to a youtube video. He opened it, not ready for what came next.
It was an epic three way mash up video of Jesse singing on what Shu was sure was their auditorium's stage. The lighting was brilliant with oranges and greens that changed every time he switched songs effortlessly. Shu was inspired for a show just looking at it, Jesse capturing his attention as he moved around the stage, singing with more passion than he had ever seen him.
The video finished before Shu realized his mouth was hanging open. He clicked replay on the song, trying to find the exact moments when the three songs combined, fitting somehow perfectly with the key changes Jesse had used, the lyrics meshing over to make one hell of a clear message: nothing would stop Jesse st James. Not silly jealous guys in his glee club, not a vocal adrenaline coach, not anything at all.
Shu looked down to the youtube video's play count and stared at the shocking number for the mash up of Can't Stop Me Now/ Stronger/ Get Back Up: 4,000 in 6 hours.
He forwarded it to Shelby and a few others before closing his computer, filled with a passion to perform himself.
Will watched Jesse the next day at the assembly. Held by Principal Figgins with an inspirational speaker presenting. Something brought on by Figgins' watching and misinterpretation of The Social Network. Figgins had kept telling Will.
"We need to inspire this kids William, they can make a website" and naturally Will had agreed to let the glee kids perform two numbers. A solo that had been given to Sam and now rested with Jesse and a number with everyone. Will had been worried when he gave the solo to Jesse. He knew he could handle it, but none the less Jesse had seemed distracted and had missed their rehearsals together. He hadn't heard Jesse sing the song though he knew it wasn't out of his ability to.
After seeing the youtube video, Will had even higher doubts. Supposing Jesse had spent all his time on the video project and none on the song he needed to perform in less than 5 minutes? He stood with them behind the dropped curtain.
"Jesse" he prompted suddenly, pulling him away.
"Would you be better performing that youtube song?" he asked and Jesse stared at him with a small laugh, pleased that he had already seen it.
"Naturally, Josh Grobon is very 2004 Mr. Shu" he commented and Shu nodded with a confused smile. Seconds later Jesse pulled the instrumental accompaniment to his arranged song out of his bag and put it into the cd player.
"Good luck" Rachel commented beside him, the rest of the glee club behind them watching. He nodded, resisting the urge to pull her into his arms for a good luck kiss.
"Break a leg" she added before heading to the rest of the club just as the curtain rose and illuminated Jesse St James alone in a spot light. Right where he belonged.
It was a wild card, a gamble and Will watched uneasily, hoping for the best. That song would change everything.
PS If you haven't already heard- JGROFF/ Jesse IS confirmed to come back for the last 3 episodes of season 2!