Hezzo, my people!

I like pie!!!!!! Cuz is good when it smushes on Smartemis's face. It makes gooky noises.

Oh my FROND! I'm BEING ATTACKED BY FLAMINYGOS! They are tring to steal my Pink. And by Pink, I mean Red, by which I mean green, by which I mean magenta-crintine. And by that I mean lungs. Look here, see what they did.

*Flashback*

Authoress: Oh my Frond! Flaminygos! Heyz, 'minygos. WANT PIE??!?

Flamniygos: Hey, it says gullible on the ceiling.

Authoress: *looks up* Oh, so it does *looks down* - Ah, you stole my lungs.

*end Flashback*

And so they did. But it's OK! I ate a Starburst and my lungs grew back. Is it srady that I eat Starbursts when my lungs get stoleneed? No. No it is not.

Artemis: I think it's about time there was a plot.

Holly: HAHAHA….yeah…he's kidding Authoress, don't feel the need to torture us…

Authoress: Hmm…. I don't know about that Holly-ella. Plot's can be good fun, and Opal Koboi has been going through a non-life crisis. She might need an evil plan, or eat too much chocolate to move, take up mind control, become a Jedi, and use her powers to ask the Star 439 Creatures to eat Artemis's Armani Underwear, and-

Artemis: NOT MY UNDERWEAR D'ARVIT!!!

Juliet: Dude. Did you just interrupt the Authoress?

Artemis: *with utter confidence* No.

Everyone: Something about that makes my want to follow you into the inside of a volcano, or help you steal Opal's truffles. Here, have my life's savings!

Artemis: Oh boy! It's cult-starting time!

Authoress: This has taken an interesting twist. I'll think I'll fund the villain who is actually-

Plot Spoilers: Stop! Right There! *pause* FREEZE! *Make strange dance-like movements while screaming like goldfish and pretending to be squishy* You cannot (not not) Spoil (oil oil)Your (or or) plot (t t) TWISTS! And SHOUTS! Yeah!!! *retreat*

Authoress: - and buy a red ice cream bone. THE END! So bye now! I'll miss you all! But that doesn't mean I won't kill you.

Artemis: CHEESE!

Everyone: What the…

Artemis: No, hear me out. I think that the universe was originally made out of Flying Fish. But then some of them evolved into cats, and ate the ones that didn't evolve. So now there were just cats in the entire universe, and some Flying Fish that didn't get eaten. Then the Flying Fish Fled to a Fabulous Flurry of Frontlines, or cheese. So the Flying Fish ate the cheese (They're probably sorry that it looked so deliciouslily) , and turned into the Universe. So we must ask ourselves, "WHERE IS THAT CHEESE?" and "WHERE CAN WE GET IT?" and " WHY DID IT DO THAT?" and " WHERE IS MY MOUSE?" and "WHY IS THE WATER YELLOW TOMMOROW?" And that is why I want one hundred million dollars to begin my quest for Cheese.

: HAHAHAHA….No.

Angeline Fowl: We know you're just going to steal it anyway, Smartemis , but we're still not giving you the moneys. This is so you will know that We Is In Charge.

Artemis: *cries*Also, shouldn't it be "we are in charge"?

Angeline: If you shut up right now, I won't make you sleep in the shed. If you humbly say, "Ma googdelop Fre monche" I won't make you bunk with the new pet tiger.

Artemis: Shouldn't it be, "Me googdelop Fre monche"?

Holly: Oh my FROND! Time just stopped! It exempted me and Arty-bella, because the Universe is a crazy shipper.

Crazy Shippers: We're not crazy! We will now write one million lemon fanfics to prove to you THAT IT COULD HAPPEN!

Crazy Anti-Shippers: Bring it on, five connected circles, acorn, hexagon divided into six sections, U shape with a dot through it with a dot in the base, box with lines coming out of it.

Logical Humans: Well, in truth, both sides have- *all die*

Artemis: While they may have been logical, they were quite stupid. *Smiles in a devilishly awesome way and winks at the fangirls*

Fangirls: *some faint, but most are worked up into a Squee and trample him*

Authoress: While he may have been a genius, he still had the atarandado-ness to irk the Authoress.

Mulch: I have a feeling…it's not a good feeling…I. AM. FARTIMUS. HEAR ME ROAR! *roars*

Fans: No. That was not mildly amusing.

Artemis: There was once a cheese…and he said to the sun…that you should give Artemis Fowl money… so that he may have cheese….and kill you…and sell your organs on eBay…

Induhviduals: We believe. *give Fowly the moneys*

Artemis: I now you will see…the benefits…of talking…very…slow…ly…

Induhviduals: We believe. *give Fowly-la so much money that he decides that a life of crime is boring and decides to build a City of Fowl, despite the fact that the residents will have to endure puns from Ivy league'ers . In other words, use a pun, go to Yale*

Jon Spiro: What if I DON'T believe? What if I say he's just a boy, admittatly a genius boy that kicked my butt to last week so many times that I have written a paper about how annoying Fowl is the REAL Fountain of Youth?

Artemis: Juliet.

Juliet: *pulls down Spiro's pants* I'd say that that's good talk coming from a person who wears Non-Armani Underwear. You are such an Artibee.

Normal Human: What? And why am I all alone….

Everyone but the Normal Human Who We Will Call Pat: Ohh…what an odd thing…it appears to have no mental defects…

Artemis: LET'S KILL IT!

Authoress: No, stop hasslin' Patters. Now Pattamer, no answer your questions, an Artibee is an Artemis wannabe. And you are all alone because way back in chapter two I killed all the logical people. You must be normal, but illogical. How strange….

Randomee #809: Queen Majik, WHAT"S WITH ALL THE LOGICALNESS???? I think the smudge on my nose is behind this!

Randomee #93: No, the smudge on MY nose is plotting to kill The Essence of Fish, WITHOUT FIRST CONSULTING THE SMUDGE UNION.

Smudge Union: *cackles* But seriously. Give us more money.

Randomee: #451: This is NOT FUNNYZ! WE NEED A MONKEY WHO KNOWS HOW TO EAT PIE BAKED WITH APPLES WEARING PENGUIN SUIT WITH-

Everyone: AHHHHH!!!!!! PENGUINS!!!!!!!! *run around in small circles until they fall down from exhaustion, rest for awhile (still screaming) get up and then faint from exhaustion, stay faint until they wake up and repeat the cycle until the Authoress bonks them on the head with her BIG BRIGHT ORANGE RUBBER MALLET* Ouchies. BUT AHHHH!!! *Stop at the glint in the Authoress's mallet's thing-that-resembles-an-eye*

Mallet: Ahh… the power of BIG BRIGHT ORANGE RUBBERINESS! And glints. Let's not forget about those gosh darned scary-crazy glints.

Mulch: …I want a mallet…

Well, not that this hasn't been fun, but I get the feeling my soul might die if I spend any more time with you.

Monkey: ….

Shaddupp.

I think he's stolen my mallet. What gives me that impression, you might ask? Well, he was near my MALLET BAG yesterday, and he has it in his hand right now, and he's yelling "I HAVE FINALLY STOLEN THE ORANGE MALLET! THE ENTIRE WORLD SHALL BE MINE!"

But still…he IS deranged…

Ah weseels.

G'Bie 'umans!