Author's Notes: I should just re-title this story 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' because that's what it's shaping up into. Way more of myself has ended up in Joanna, far more than I originally planned, and I don't know if I should be proud of that or worried. Much of what she's said has been something that has, at one point or another, come out of my mouth, too when I was a kid. And the sad part? I'm 27, and I still don't think before I talk! If I want to say go all Mary Poppins and sing super-cala-fraga-you know how that goes, I'm damn well going to blurt it out!

Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable, only a Weatherby hunting rifle and deer license for this season.

Chapter 4

There really was only so much strategic reorganization one commander could do before indecision invariably set in.

Christopher Pike was on his third "redeployment" of desk items for the week. After pouring over different battle plans and layouts, he made the executive decision to reassign certain items to new places in order to increase productivity. Functionally, he was still of the opinion that his comm would be better served sitting on the right side of his desk, but practically, it physically Jenga-ed itself much better on the left. The blotter and appointment calendar needed to stay within an arm's reach, but that, Pike decided, would not work. It was too hard to get at his coffee mug with all the garbage in his way. So he dug every single thing out of every nook and cranny of his enormous mahogany desk and gave them all new homes from top to bottom. But as many times as he'd redistributed the items on his desktop and in the desk itself, it still seemed cluttered to him, even though it was, in actuality, quite clean and functional.

Or, perhaps it was the true fact that he was bored as hell.

It wasn't necessarily a bad thing that the entirety of Starfleet Academy was behaving, but Chris wondered why they all felt the need to pick the same time to suddenly learn manners. Because he was low on paperwork (the heavy load of monthly paperwork was completed last week), he didn't have any students to scare straight. And since he also managed to con Kirk into assisting the advanced hand-to-hand instructor and thereby had no free time, there really wasn't much for the captain to do. Jim was his biggest problem child, and if he was, by some miracle of god staying out of the brig, that meant there really wasn't much else to do. So, Pike reorganized his desk three times, reorganized his office twice, and cleaned the entire thing from top to bottom once.

If the engineers didn't get the warp engines ready for testing on the new Enterprise in the next twenty four hours, Pike swore it might get ugly. At this point, inciting a riot by yelling 'fire' in the middle of the two thousand seat lecture hall while Starfleet Protocols 101 was in session seemed like a more viable option. It'd at least give him something to do. But before he could actually put his brilliant plan into action, the captain's comm beeped. Pressing the button, Pike said, "Yes, Gloria?"

'Dr. McCoy is here to see you, sir, and he has a…guest with him,' the young yeoman said. Pike could hear the smile in her voice and he found the corners of his own mouth turning up in response. He genuinely liked Cadet Stuart. She was a sweet girl, and a hell of a secretary. Pike initially chose her because she knew how to deflect high-ranking Starfleet personnel without ruffling feathers, but he'd come to regard her elevated competency and her deadly accurate bullshit meter. Basically, no one got through the door without going through her first, and at five feet tall and no more than one hundred pounds soaking wet, she was a lot more intimidating than she appeared at first glance.

"Send him in, Cadet." Pike quickly cleared his desk of any privileged or sensitive information and folded his hands on the blotter. When the door swung open, the sight that greeted him pulled a fatherly smile from the battle-tested captain.

With his back to his superior, Leonard McCoy was practically dragging a small girl through the door of Pike's office. A stream of whiny protest marched from her mouth while the doctor pleaded with her to cooperate. Chris refused to call it begging, since the snarky, opinionated man he recruited off a bar floor in Iowa could not possibly have the genetic makeup to beg, but it was damned close. The little girl's voice was muted by her father's torso, but Pike's still crisp hearing picked up something about 'ice cream' and a 'promise' made, along with a veritable boat load of more whining about how the aforementioned promise wasn't kept. The captain smoothed out the features to his face to the passivity to which the Academy had grown accustomed. "Dr. McCoy."

The doctor's back stiffened. He gently shushed the little girl and turned around to face Pike, coming to attention. "Sir."

Pike waved him away with one hand. "At ease, McCoy. You're not on duty, you're not in uniform, and you're not a cadet. At least not this week." The captain leaned to his right. A tiny face poked out from behind McCoy's legs, brown hair spilling over her shoulders. Chris leaned forward in his chair to address his newest visitor. Conscious that his 'commander' voice often inspired fear in young kids, Pike ratcheted his booming, deep tenor down a couple before he asked, "And who might this be?"

The little girl took one look at Pike and decided in a second flat that the captain was not of her interest. She stepped out from behind McCoy and crossed her tiny arms over her chest. Glaring up at her father, she continued her whining in earnest. "This is lame! I don't wanna be here! Why are we here?"

McCoy shut his eyes, suppressing a groan of displeasure. Firmly, he responded, "Joanna, we talked about this already this morning. I told you we would come meet Captain Pike and then we'd go do what you wanted. But this was first, and you agreed. Fair is fair."

Pike cleared his throat. It was endlessly amusing to see one of the academy's most outspoken cadets, one who normally sent his peers running for cover with just one glare, reduced to justifying his actions to a young child. If only he'd known, Pike might have conspired with Kirk to sell tickets to the show. Not only could he and Jim have made some nice money, but the captain bet his every last bit of dignity that there were several hundred people on the Starfleet Academy campus who would absolutely love to see Leonard McCoy taken down a peg or three by his own child. Shifting in his seat, Chris half grinned. "Problems, McCoy?"

Under his breath, Len swore, but not loud enough for Joanna's hearing to pick it up. It was hard, after going nearly two years without having to check his mouth, to suddenly have to eliminate any and all profanity from his vocabulary. For McCoy, that was a nearly impossible feat. "I told her we'd be coming to visit you today, and she was okay with it when we left the house. Probably had something to do with all the pancakes I was feeding her," he quipped. "But on the way over here, she decided that she didn't want to come and instead would rather go play in the dirt."

"But you promised yesterday we'd have ice cream! And I didn't get any! And then you yelled at me at dinner, and wouldn't tell me why!"

Pike responded with a raise of his eyebrow.

McCoy sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. The whims of his child were simply infuriating. As much as he loved her, it appeared that she had a built-in knack for poor timing. Turning to Pike, he responded to his superior's unasked question. "We met Jim yesterday for dinner."

"And you thought that was a good idea, Doctor? Introducing her to Kirk? If Jim were the last person on Earth, I'm still not sure I'd trust him with my kid." the captain replied, a slight bit of incredulousness creeping into his tone. His gaze fell back to McCoy's guest in tow. He could see she was still absolutely seething, if the red face and scowl was any indication. Chris swallowed down a chuckle, for there was no doubt in his mind the paternal origin of the small girl standing in front of his desk. Pike was one of two people on whom the famous McCoy scowl had no effect, and it appeared that Len passed it down to his offspring. He silently cheered her Ole Miss football jersey while trying to decide if he should feel sorry for McCoy when his daughter got old enough to really rebel, or chalk it up to good, old-fashioned payback. For posterity's sake, Pike amended, "This is your daughter, is it not?"

"Yes, sir. This," Len said, ushering Jo out from beside him, "Is Joanna. Jo, this is Captain Pike, my boss," McCoy said, making sure to emphasize the 'captain' and 'boss' parts of his introduction.

Secretly, Pike been looking forward to this day ever since Kirk approached him about the possibility of helping McCoy repair a bit of his fractured family. Jim, though immature and reckless, was more observant than most gave him credit and figured out early on why exactly his roommate was so miserable in the first place. Though Kirk tried to brush it off as a 'for the good of the academy' idea, Pike knew that Jim truly cared about McCoy and wanted his daughter to have the chance to know her father, the one he never had. After the Kelvin, Chris knew the mending of fences while there was still an opportunity to do so was important to Jim, and in turn, important to Chris. Pike jumped at the chance to help, and even went as far as to comm Jocelyn Darnell in order to facilitate the process. And since Joanna McCoy was now standing in front of him, it was certainly a call he didn't regret making.

Pike lifted himself up out of his chair and walked around his desk. He fixed the younger McCoy with a friendly gaze and knelt down, his right knee giving a loud pop as he lowered himself to Joanna's level. Len winced, thinking of all the possible things a crack that loud could mean. Extending his hand, Chris said, "Hello, Joanna. I've heard a lot about you from you mom and dad. It's nice to finally meet you."

Joanna chewed on her lower lip. Something was just off, and the little girl wasn't going to stop until she figured out what it was. Joanna's gaze ping ponged from Pike to McCoy and back again. Scratching her head, she contemplated what she knew. Her dad was nerdy dork. He said boring things and did 'grown up' stuff. He scolded her when she did something bad. He had wrinkles and grunted a lot when he had to get up off the floor. If this Captain Pike fellow was in charge of her daddy in the way he was in charge of her, there was something wrong. With the way he was grinning, there was no way this new person could be as un-entertaining as her father, and he certainly didn't look like her grandfather. Walking up to the keeling man, Joanna looked Pike right in the eye and asked simply, "Why aren't you old?"

Chris blinked. Once. Then twice. He stood and rubbed one hand over his face. "'Why am I not…' What?"

Mortified, McCoy took a giant step forward and quickly scooped Jo off the floor. He covered her mouth with his hand before she could utter another word, much to his daughter's dismay. His face burned bright red, the doctor stammering a quick, "Captain, sir. I'm sorry. She just blurts this out and I never know when to expect it." With his arms full of squirming, angry six year old, McCoy heaved out a sigh. Addressing his daughter, Len said, "Joanna, calm down and then I'll put you down."

Joanna's eyebrows descended into a deep canyon of discontent. Muffled words leeched their merry way through McCoy's hand while Jo's face turned a deep crimson and her tone more insistent. Both Chris and Len were having trouble picking out exactly what she was saying, but it sounded something to the effect of, 'Not fair,' and 'Mean, old, boring people.' Her eyes darted wildly back and forth, and McCoy was forced to suppress a bit of déjà vu at the face his daughter was making at him. It was the one Jocelyn employed when she was really, really pissed.

McCoy glared at Jo, and she glared back at him. The two looked like they belonged in the OK Corral instead of in front of a dignified, decorated Starfleet Captain. Practically growling, Len said, "Jo, I'm serious. When you stop talking all that garbage and after you apologize to Captain Pike, I'll put you down."

In Joanna's mind, her dad was being really lame, and the younger McCoy wanted nothing to do with the nonsense that was spewing from her father's mouth. She'd apologize if and when she felt like it, or when it made sense to, but not a moment before. Unlike most children her age, Jo had no trouble saying she was sorry, but she needed to understand what she did and why it was wrong. The explanation part of parenting was something she subconsciously decided her father needed to practice if he wanted her respect. Since she'd been effectively shushed without logical reasoning at dinner the night previous with Jim, there was no way she was going to apologize to Captain Pike unless someone explained to her why asking such a simple question deserved such an extreme response. But in order to articulate that, she first had to be able to talk. With her dad's massive hand over his face, that was becoming an impossible feat.

Joanna reached deep into her bag of dirty tricks and pulled one out, one she reserved for special occasions. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and being held hostage by her father, off the ground and silent, definitely qualified as a desperate time. Jo generated all the saliva she possibly could in the two seconds she had. Her father mistakenly took her silence as the white flag of surrender and eased up his grip on her mouth. When Jo felt Len's hand relax, she extended her tongue and licked her dad's hand from bottom to top.

With strangled yelp, McCoy leapt back and dropped Joanna to the floor. She landed with a thud on her backside, legs stretched out in front of her. She said not a word; instead she sat, looking completely smug while McCoy danced around Pike's office in search of a tissue to wipe his hand. He snagged one off the bookshelf, and after wiping all the crud from his hand, wheeled back toward his daughter. "JOANNA! What has gotten into you? That is not how you address and treat adults, and you know that. We've taught you better!"

"Mom taught me better!" Joanna fired right back, breaking her silence for the first time. Since he'd bailed out on them over two years ago, Joanna was absolutely insulted that he would think he had anything to do with raising her. She willed herself not to cry and instead laced her words with an angry, aggressive tone. "She taught me! Not you! You weren't there! You left us!"

Chris inwardly flinched. His eyes darted over to McCoy, who, despite all his effort, couldn't halt a hurt expression from flashing across his face. The younger man was, for once, without a witty comeback or snarky response. He looked helplessly around, meeting Pike's stunned gaze. Sighing, Chris squatted next to Jo again, and then took a seat beside her. He crossed his legs and sat silently. "Joanna?"

Why couldn't all these annoying adults just leave her alone? She didn't want to be in this office, and she certainly didn't want to be near her dad. He was really getting on her every last nerve, with all the meeting people and making her do things she didn't want to do. She missed him, but didn't miss all the times he had to be right or wouldn't let her have her way. She flicked one glance over at Pike. He didn't look upset, and he wasn't yelling at her. At least that was a start. In fact, he kind of had a dorky grin on his face. She nearly laughed, but quickly remembered she was supposed to be mad. Refreshing the scowl, she snapped, "What?"

Looking up toward Len, Pike motioned with his head for the younger man to sit. McCoy did so dutifully, his ass landing in one of the padded chairs opposite Pike's desk. Chris felt badly that Joanna had said what she did; though she didn't know the magnitude of how cutting of a statement she made, it didn't mean her words didn't come with a freshly applied antiseptic sting to them. In a quiet voice, softer than anyone would ever think the command-tested captain capable, Pike asked, "Joanna? Would you look at me, please?"

Jo's head popped up automatically, her dark eyes meeting Pike's lighter set. There was something about the captain she liked, though she couldn't quite put her finger on it. His voice was deeper toned than most men's voices she'd heard, especially when he spoke quietly. It was soothing and friendly, but at the same time, Jo realized that it commanded instant respect.

"That's better. I don't like talking to the sides of people's heads," Pike said lightly. He scooted closer to her and dropped his voice even further to a near whisper. "Joanna, I know you didn't mean what you said to me, so I want you to know I'm not mad at you. But what you just said hurt your father a lot. And I know you didn't mean that either, but you should understand something, okay?"

Joanna sniffled, though she held back any tears that may have threatened to fall. "What?" she asked in a nearly inaudible whisper.

Chris thought carefully before proceeding. After talking with Jocelyn over the comm, he had many fewer negative thoughts toward the woman. But how to proceed without stepping on either Jocelyn or Len's toes would be tricky. Pike was suddenly glad for the diplomatic negotiations and trade course he took when he was at the academy and made a mental note to revisit making that course mandatory. The only way to successfully navigate a familial minefield like the one he inadvertently placed himself in full view was to be honest, but not too honest. "This might not make a lot of sense to you, Joanna, but your daddy didn't want to leave you."

Jo snorted. "But he did, and now he's here with you instead of being at home with me and mommy." A couple of tears fell from the corner of her eye, but she wiped them away quickly with the back of her hand. "He left us. And he never told us why. Mommy won't tell me why. Maybe it was my fault because she won't tell me."

If his heart constricted any more in his chest, Pike was certain McCoy would be resuscitating him on the floor of his office. Chris was fully aware of how ugly the McCoy divorce had been and had always secretly worried that in the shuffle, Joanna would be the one to suffer for it. It was one time Pike was really upset that he was right. "Oh, Joanna. It wasn't your fault. It never was, and it never will be. It's just grown up stuff."

"That's what mommy always says, and I don't understand it!" she cried, angrily picking away at the sole of her tennis shoe.

Clearly, Joanna processed information at a much higher level than the average six year old. Her cognitive and logical abilities were exemplary, something Pike could clearly see after only ten minutes with her. A simple explanation wasn't going to pacify her, and that was both a good thing and a bad thing. Looking down, Pike half-grinned. It was just one more bullet for him to dodge while he answered Jo's question. "You don't need to understand all the grown up stuff that went on the since you were really little. The only thing you need to know is that there are a lot of times parents want to be places they just can't be. I know your daddy wanted nothing more than to be with you the last two years."

"Then why wasn't he?"

"Sweetheart, sometimes grown ups do silly things, and what they do or where they are has nothing to do with you at all. Your mommy and him didn't get along very well, and so it was best for you to stay with her. It's not easy, and it's not fair, but that was the best choice. But you know what? Nothing about why your daddy is here and your mommy still in Georgia was ever, ever your fault," Pike concluded. He chanced a glance up to McCoy who sitting stoically in the chair. Though the doctor tried to create the persona that he was nothing but an hard ass with a giant chip on his shoulder and not a care in the world as to what others thought about him, Pike knew that in McCoy's case, the opposite was the real truth. Chris watched Len's throat work back a lump that seemed to have formed there, the younger man's eyes shining with a silent thank you.

The trio of people sat silently in Pike's office, none of them bothering to move. Joanna quietly digested all the information she'd been given while she plucked away at the carpet fibers under the chair. Len sat, rubbing one hand over his face, and ever so thankful that someone else was here to help him answer Jo's incessant questions and to calm her down. She'd unfortunately inherited his short fuse, but seemed to have developed a way to calm down faster than he did. For his part, Pike only hoped what he said both made sense and did the job dissuading some of the anger Jo clearly felt toward her father.

Breaking the silence, the little girl said, "It's Jo."

"What?" Pike responded.

"My name is Jo. No one calls me Joanna, unless they're not my friends."

A bright smile spread over the captain's face. "Well, does that mean we're friends then, Jo?"

"Yeah, I think you're okay."

Up above him, Pike heard McCoy exhale a breath of relief. He picked himself up off the floor with a groan, Chris' reconstructed right knee protesting all the way to standing. "Well, then. I'd say we've got that settled, right?"

"I'd say so," Len replied. He could feel the tension seep out of the room when Joanna bounced happily to her feet. "Should we try this again? Jo, Captain Pike. Sir, my daughter, Jo."

"It's nice to meet you, Jo. And yes, for the record, I am old," Chris said with a laugh, sitting back down at his desk.

McCoy rolled his eyes and snorted. "Don't encourage her."

Joanna piped in her opinion from somewhere behind Pike's desk. "Hey!"

Chris waved a dismissive hand "Relax. I'm going to take that as a compliment, McCoy, if she thinks I don't look old enough to be your boss."

Len let out a little chuckle. "Thank you, sir. And I'll be sure we have a chat over what's appropriate to say when we're back home tonight."

"Ah, kids say what they want to say. You can't stop them," Pike replied. "Come to think of it, that sounds like someone else standing in this room, but he isn't a child." When Joanna giggled, clearly catching the implications behind Pike's words, the captain made a note to be more covert when insulting others in front of Jo in the future. She was good; he had to credit her for that.

McCoy and Jo hung around for another half hour, shooting the breeze over Jo's latest schooling, McCoy's latest rants, and Pike's latest gossip. They were about to get up and leave when McCoy's comm rang. The doctor scowled at the screen when he saw the caller. He walked over to the corner of Pike's office and barked, "I told you I'm on vacation and not to be called. What part of 'not here' do you idiots fail to understand?"

A harried, freckled cadet, one who looked barely old enough to be out of diapers, replied, "I'm sorry sir! We know you're gone, but we need your help. There was an accident in one of the engineering programs today, and we're just swamped. We need another trauma surgeon, sir. We can't keep up!"

"I'll be there in five. McCoy out," he replied, snapping the comm closed without waiting for a reply. Shit. He replied without thinking about Joanna. Here was the whole point of his weekend, and now he had to figure out something to do with her so he could go work. After the blowup she just had, Len cringed when he thought of how well being dumped off at Fleet Care for the afternoon might go. There was only one last option, and he wasn't sure he really wanted to use it. McCoy already owed Pike his soul for helping orchestrate Jo's visit, so to impose on the man further was not a great choice. But as Len's eyes bounced back and forth from Jo to Pike, both talking animatedly between one another, his choice became clear. Taking two quick strides across the room, Len said, "Sir, I hate to even ask this of you, but something's come up at the hospital, and they need me. Could I ask you to watch Joanna for me? It'd only be a couple of hours."

Pike made a 'shoo' motion with his hand. "I got it, McCoy. Go take care of whatever Kirk blew up on my campus, and cuff Jim upside the head for me if he's not dead."

"For once, Captain, I don't think this was Jim's fault," McCoy replied. He surprised even himself with that statement, and judging by the look on Pike's face, the older man was equally stunned. "Call me if you need anything. Joanna already got her medications this morning, and she doesn't have any allergies to food or anything else like that. Are you sure this isn't a problem, Captain? I can take her to Fleet Care for the afternoon."

"I'll have none of that, Doctor," Pike replied firmly. "I have a very light schedule this week, and I'm due some leave time that the brass is always insisting I take. Maybe I'll burn some of that today and take your daughter up to spacedock. The new Enterprise was towed up last night, and I'd like to inspect her."

"If you do that, sir, you'll be her hero for the rest of her life," Len answered honestly. "I'll call you when I'm done."

Len dropped a kiss on Jo's head. "Jo? Is it okay if Captain Pike watches you for a couple hours while I go do some stuff at the hospital? I promise it'll be this one time only, and after I'm done, I'll let you pick whatever you want to do. Is that okay with you?"

Joanna nodded vigorously, happy with her father's choice of babysitters. "Yep!"

"Go, McCoy. I'll take good care of her." Pike said as Len finished hugging his daughter.

"I have no doubt you will, sir. Thank you again. I owe you."

"No you, don't, McCoy. You owe her," Pike replied as the doctor practically sprinted out the door. When his office door clicked shut, Pike said, "Well, missy. It looks like it's just you and me. What do you think you want to do?"

"Can we get ice cream?" she asked as sweetly as possible.

Pike checked his watch. It was only 10:30 in the morning. Shrugging, he said, "Sure. I know a great place off campus."

Joanna smiled, taking the older man's hand as they exited his office. She was beginning to like this Captain Pike fellow even more than she thought she would. Her only hope was that he would take her to do something fun, because even though she loved her father, he was still so boring.

At least, that's the consensus her six-year-old brain came to.

Next Up: Well, that's actually up to you guys this time. I can either write what Pike and Jo did while the good captain played babysitter, or I can just expose it all and get to the ending of the story. Let me know what you think.