Notes: Please note the rating change to "M" for mature content of the NC-17 variety in this chapter! Also I want to thank everyone for your reviews so far I really appreciate it and I'd like to make a little request. Since the primary focus of this series is on these coming out moments, clearly I have yet to deal with Maura's parents which is coming, but are there any other figures in Jane and Maura's life that I haven't addressed yet that you'd like to see dealt with? If so, leave your suggestions in the comments!

CH 7: Unclaimed Baggage

Jane paced anxiously around Dr. Stevens' office unable to bring herself to sit down until the doctor arrived. She glanced towards the bookshelf; uh uh not doing that again, let sleeping Freud lie.

"Jane, my apologies, I got caught up in traffic. I had a patient in hospital" Gloria said as she entered the office in a flurry. Dr. Gloria Stevens was one of those impeccably timely people, in actuality one of those people who is so concerned about being on time they're always chronically early. Being late to an appointment certainly ruffled the usually cool and collected doctor's feathers. It amused Jane.

They each took their seats and Gloria began to leaf through her notes before looking at Jane with a pleasant smile, "So, two weeks back on the job now, tell me how it's going."

"Umm, good, you know…frustrating I guess, but it's nice to be back at work it feels like things are on the way to being back to normal, like everything's finding its place again" Jane looked at the doctor knowing that answer wouldn't be enough.

"What's been frustrating?" Gloria asked glancing at Jane over the rim of her delicate glasses.

Gee, what hasn't? "Well…for the first few days, it was, it was just weird. You know, I wanted to be there, I wanted to be back at work but being in the building was just eerie sometimes especially when I went to the morgue for the first time I couldn't not see Frankie lying on the table."

"That's understandable. We talked about the likelihood of post-traumatic flashbacks. How have you coped with that?"

Jane paused, mentally assessing the decrease in those incidences in two weeks, "Pretty well I think."

"Oh? So, you said 'for the first few days,' did those flashbacks decrease after that?"

"Yeah."

Gloria nodded, "That's good, did you do anything or did anything help you with processing those feelings of being back in the location of the incident?"

Jane thought about lying, but then it occurred to her that lying about that really served no purpose, "Maura. Maura helped me."

Gloria paused and waited for Jane to elaborate.

"When I had the first flashback in the morgue Maura walked in on me kind of spaced out. She told me she had similar experiences when she first came back to work too and that with time it would get better and that whenever she had a bad memory of that day she'd just think of something happier, like spending time with me or knowing that I'd be at home when she got off from work…" Jane's voice trailed off with a slight tone of embarrassment as she finished explaining.

She laughed and placed her hand over her face as she peered out at Dr. Stevens between her fingers, oh what the hell this is all confidential, "So I did the same thing, I'd think about getting completely well and how I was gonna kick Frankie's ass in our first game of driveway basketball," Jane laughed again as she said it, "…and I'd think about Maura…and…I can't believe I'm actually about to tell you this, Maura told me she doesn't mind the scars because they're what finally brought us together, so sometimes when I'm feeling anxious I think about her…you know…umm, about making love to her later on and how as fucked up as this whole thing has been, that she's right and if it hadn't happened we might still be dancing around each other both of us too scared to take the next step."

Gloria smiled, "Jane, I think that's actually a very productive way for you to address this anxiety. What else has frustrated you since being back?"

Shit, I gotta come up with more? "Well…I guess, I've gotten a lot of attention since I've been back…"

"That bothers you?"

"Yeah, I mean, I just want to do my job and I feel like this spectacle, but all through the day I just sit behind a desk pushing papers while my partner and the rest of the unit are going out on calls and I can't go. And after all of this the Commissioner wants to give me fucking award…"

"You don't feel like you deserve an award, for your actions that day?"

"My Lieutenant joked that they should be giving me a medal for unnecessary stupidity in the line of duty…" Jane laughed half-heartedly as she said it and then her face fell solemn as she looked down at her clasped hands resting in her lap, "I don't know, maybe his view is the right one…" Jane looked past Dr. Stevens out the window behind her.

Gloria cocked her head, analyzing Jane's body language, "In retrospect, do you think it was stupid?"

Jane pursed her lips, exhaling, almost defeated as she nodded, finally recognizing the baggage that had been invisibly weighing her down, "It was really fucking stupid…shit, it was really fucking stupid."

Dr. Stevens put down her notes and pen to give Jane her full attention, "Why do you say that?"

Jane choked back tears, "I almost died…I almost got myself killed. I mean there were a hundred fucking cops on that street, one of them had a shot and I shot through myself! I almost made my brother have to question why he lived and I died, I almost made my parents have to plan a funeral for their child, and I almost made Maura live with never having told me that she loved me. And it wasn't bravery, or valor in the line of duty; it was stupidity, plain unnecessary stupidity, because I'm always doing that…I'm always doing instead of thinking. So yeah, it's frustrating having everyone slap me on the back and want to pin a medal to my chest because I don't deserve it…what I deserve is this…having my head examined and being told to cool my ass in a chair until we're sure that it's right."

"Jane, do you realize that's the first time in one of our sessions you've actually analyzed the shooting from an emotional place, in terms of how you actually feel about what you did…"

Maura didn't expect to find Jane at her house that evening. She knew Jane had the follow-up with the force psychiatrist and then the surgeon and that they could make the decision to clear her for full return to duty; so, Maura thought Jane would probably go to her apartment and she would run home change and then see if Jane wanted to go out for dinner, hopefully to celebrate.

When she walked in Jane was curled up on the sofa, the big screen tv tuned to ESPN but the volume on mute.

Maura stopped as she and Jane locked eyes. She looked wilted, embattled, capsized by a tide of emotion and swallowed by the sofa cushions and throw blanket she was encased in. Maura walked over and sat in the floor in front of her so they could be at eye-level, "Should I not ask?"

"They cleared me for duty" Jane said matter of factly, completely devoid of excitement or relief.

"That's wonderful…" Maura started to smile but stopped because of the thick air of sadness in Jane's demeanor, "…but, you don't seem happy?"

"I had a rough session with Dr. Stevens."

Maura placed her hand on Jane's shoulder and let it stroke fluidly up and down her side as she let her cheek rest on the sofa her hazel eyes never breaking their connection with Jane's sight, "Do you want to talk to me about it?"

Jane bit down on her lower lip and closed her eyes momentarily just to feel the sensation of Maura's hand trailing up and down her body, the comfort of it unencumbered by visual stimuli, "I don't really want to talk about it, but I need to I think."

Jane sat up grabbing Maura's arm urging her to join her on the sofa. She looked at Maura and reached out to run her fingers through a silken strand of hair that had fallen to rest along her cheek, "You look worried" Jane said letting her fingers faintly graze Maura's skin.

Maura reached up and took Jane's hand encasing it with both of her hands squeezing down on it, "I am worried, I don't know that I've ever seen you like this…you seem so genuinely sad…"

"It's not sadness, per se. Talking with Dr. Stevens today, I finally realized how I felt about what I did…about shooting myself. I think this whole time I've tried to rationalize it, I've tried to tell myself I had to do it. I didn't want to own my actions, like if I didn't claim it my little emotional conveyor belt would just whisk it away and store it out of sight, out of mind. But, I didn't have to do it…shoot myself. It was stupid and reckless and I could have died and when I think about what that would have done to Frankie and Ma and Pop and…you…it makes me angry. Angry because I'm always doing that, I'm always leaping without looking and I've been so selfish and it could have cost me everything. I don't want to act like that anymore but at the same time I'm terrified I'll be a worse cop because of it. And then I think about you…and how I don't ever want to do anything to make you worry or to hurt you and sometimes I can't even understand why you'd want to be with a half-cocked train wreck like me…"

Maura smiled as she surveyed Jane in a completely new state of vulnerability, and it was heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time, "Because your passion and your spontaneity make me want to be a better person, you make me see things in ways I've never seen, you make me feel like I've never felt. I don't think you'll be a worse cop because of this; I think once you're back in your element you'll be the same self-confident, brazen, maybe slightly reckless but in a good way detective you were before but also better because you will think more in so far as the situation allows. What you were faced with then, you can't prepare for something like that; in that case all you have is reaction in the moment. You can't pick that apart in hindsight and you can't give it that power over you in the future. I will worry; every day you walk out the door there will be some degree of worry. But, I worried before. And you'll worry about me, we both work around criminals but even if we didn't you always worry about the wellbeing of the ones you love. But let's not allow that feeling to define our relationship. I just want to love you and for you to love me in return."

Jane finally smiled reaching out to pull Maura into an embrace, she burrowed her face through the sandy brown hair to nuzzle the delicate skin of Maura's neck and praise it with kisses, "Every day I think I can't love you any more than I already do and then each day that follows I'm happily proven wrong."

Jane leaned back along the length of the sofa pulling Maura on top of her as she did. Maura let out a surprised but dainty shriek as the full length of her body draped over Jane's. She put her hands on either side of Jane's face as she smiled into the loving eyes that looked back at her, "Now, how am I supposed to top that."

"Hmm…" Jane raised an eyebrow comparing Maura's body position relative to her own, "I think you already have."

Maura leaned down to press her lips to Jane's, soft and warm she kissed Jane deeply relishing the contact and its comfort as she wound her fingers in the dark waves that fell along Jane's neck and shoulders. Maura held the kiss until she was lightheaded from lack of air, she broke it off, both of them heaving. Her hands found their way under Jane's shirt to stroke the soft skin there and trace the ridges of her ribcage. Jane instinctively lifted her arms causing Maura to smile as she slid her lover's shirt up and over her head and then snaking her hands under Jane's back to remove her bra.

Jane teased the tail of Maura's blouse out of her trousers and set to unbuttoning it as Maura's tongue and lips went to work on her neck. Blouse and bra removed Jane's strong arms wrapped around Maura aching for the heat of her reddened skin she tried to draw Maura fully flush against her but Maura resisted, laughing teasingly as her hands cupped Jane's breasts, kneading them, rolling the erect nipples between her fingers. Maura slid lower down Jane's body to lick and nip at her collarbone eventually moving down to draw a nipple into her mouth causing Jane's breath to hitch and her back to arch at the electric contact.

Maura sat up looking down at Jane's lithe frame letting her hands rake slowly down her front. She leaned down again placing her mouth over the entry scar on Jane's side, tentative at first but Jane reassuringly wound one hand through her hair as the other stroked Maura along her upper back so Maura deepened her treatment of the area.

Suddenly Maura popped up off the sofa eliciting a plaintive whimper from Jane. In the entrance to the hallway she kept her back to Jane but slowly unzipped her skirt letting it fall to the floor. She looked over her shoulder and smiled and then stepped out of the skirt and disappeared, a few steps and Jane heard one stiletto drop to the floor, a few more steps and the second.

Jane entered the bedroom having shed the remainder of her clothes en route and found Maura standing by the bed her back to the doorway looking over her shoulder waiting expectantly for her lanky detective to join her. Jane wrapped her arms around Maura from behind returning the favor of sensual neck kisses and teasing touch as her hands roamed almost reverently around Maura's body. Keeping Maura's back pressed firmly into her chest Jane rotated them so she could sit on the bed and pull Maura into her lap. Maura leaned back letting her face brush Jane's as long slender fingers started to caress her inner thigh. She spread her legs and arched her back Jane nipped playfully at her shoulder while massaging Maura's right breast with her free hand.

"Mmmm" Maura hummed, "Touch me Jane" she whispered. Jane complied stroking her clit between her thumb and forefinger. Maura rolled her hips to Jane's rhythm her breathing becoming increasingly ragged until Jane's ministrations finally sent her over the edge. Maura buried her face in Jane's neck as she came, her panting breaths teasing Jane's already aroused skin.

Maura rested for a moment relishing in the glow of the release Jane had provided her before adjusting to sit in Jane's lap facing her. She wrapped her hands around Jane's neck letting her thumbs caress her strong jaw line as she once again assaulted Jane's mouth, breathing out a dusky "I love you" in between kisses. Maura broke off the kiss, gently pushing Jane back to lie down on the bed. She slid down to kneel on the floor as Jane spread her legs further apart and immediately let her tongue explore her lover's warm center. Maura's tongue flicked over Jane's clit eliciting groans of pleasure; Maura smiled before drawing her clit into her mouth letting her teeth tease lightly over it. At the same time she slid two fingers into Jane's warmth and gradually increased her rhythm as Jane's hip rocking pleaded for faster treatment.

"Jesus…" Jane gasped as Maura's attention finally released her. All the stress, fear, self-doubt from earlier in the day melted away as Jane pulled Maura under the covers with her wrapping her arms around the smaller woman and entangling their legs. Jane buried her face in Maura's neck unable to resist continuing to nip and kiss at her pulse point before pulling back to swim in Maura's hazel gaze.

Jane smiled, her fingers dancing over Maura's flushed cheek, "You're worth everything I've been through."