One of the most important chapters of my life. review please.

Frank Warren once said, "There are two types of secrets, the ones we keep from others, and the ones we keep from ourselves." Me? I had both. Gavin's request to keep our relationship a secret was burning a hole in my stomach. I honestly thought that I was going to die from the stress, there was literally a ball forming in my stomach threatening to grow and block off all of my major organs, if that was even possible. Don't get me wrong, there were times when I was happy. When I was with him I was happy. When he kissed me, the secrets and lies didn't matter. But then there were the times when we were apart, when I had no idea where he was or what he was doing and those were the times when the ball in my stomach started to grow and threaten my very existence.

"Haley James!" Jakes voice echoed through my house. I hung up my phones promptly as I could although Gavin's voice was still going strong. He was used to this though, and usually knew not to call back if I had to hang up quickly. This is what my life had come to, sneaking around with skill.

"Jake!" I smiled and walked over to hug him. "I've missed you." He just looked at me, and I could tell there was something on his mind.

"Yeah, me too. Actually, I need to talk to you." He made himself uncomfortably comfortable on the sofa, and I sat at his side. "You and Gavin have become really good friends, huh?"

My heart flew into my throat. I knew that someone would start asking questions eventually, but I wasn't ready. I had my own questions and concerns that I couldn't deal with, I couldn't deal with those of others. "Yeah, we're friends."

"Well, did he mention why he broke up with LeAnn?" Jake muttered. "I was up with her all night, she is such a mess."

"I don't know, I mean, that was a couple weeks ago and she is still up all night crying?" Did that only seem pathetic to me? Suddenly I felt territorial; needing to defend Gavin and make people think it wasn't his fault the relationship ended. But, was it my fault?

"A couple weeks ago? He broke up with her last night, Hales." His words ripped at me and tore me to shreds. Last night? So what had we been doing for the last two weeks? Were we sneaking kisses in elevators and lying to our friends because he didn't want to hurt her, or because he was still with her? Suddenly holding hands under the table in study rooms and whispering during our phone calls made sense.

"Oh. Right, I think they had a fight and I got confused. Well..." My heart was breaking. I knew, I had to know. What kind of girl agrees with a secret relationship? "I honestly have no idea."

Jake stood up, "Haley. You've been one of my best friends my whole life. I was there through your awkward years and your whole life. I know you. I know your facial expressions, I know the way your right eyebrow twitches when you're lying to me, and your hands shake when you're nervous. But this..." He eyed me, taking in my clothing and my general appearance. "This isn't you. The person you've been since you came here... isn't the Haley I know. And if I'm right, and this Haley has had anything to do with LeAnn being at my house now in a complete mess, then I'm done..." as he walked towards the door, I was lost for words. My heart was broken and I felt like reality just slapped me in the face. "with this Haley, and the real one." The slamming of the door seemed to wake me up, as I fell to my knees. I was living in a world where I thought I could get away with everything, and was I ever wrong. It was time for the real Haley to come back now, unless it was too late.

"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me." As he whispered to me sincerely, I couldn't help but wonder what else he was hiding from me. I couldn't find the strength to confront him about his recent break up which was suppose to be not so recent. But, the way his fingers weaved through my hair always changed my mind. It was weird, that when I was with him I felt like I was on top of the world. There was no Nathan Scott, nor anyone else in the world, but as soon as he was out of sight, an overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret choked me. It terrified me that I'd have to spend the rest of my life like this if I didn't get the courage to stop it.

Behind us, his cell phone vibrated for the fourth or fifth time since we snuck away from our friends and hid in his small apartment. This was what our relationship consisted of, hiding and lying. "Is that LeAnn?" I asked, a little afraid of his reaction.

He looked at me as if he wanted to say no, he wanted to lie. But maybe he was as tired of lying as I was, because I watched as he sighed and then he sat up straight in the bed, resting his head in his hands. "Yeah."

"Why is she still texting you? You've been broken up for almost a month now. Right?" A side of me that he didn't know was beginning to show, the one that everyone else seemed to have missed.

He just stared at me. His hands clenched his golden curls and the muscles in his arms twitched. But I hardly cared, I had been holding back my feelings about LeAnn and what Jake had said for over two weeks now, and I couldn't do it anymore. I needed truth and respect if this relationship was going to go anywhere.

"Answer me, Gavin. Because we have been hiding our relationship for over a month now, and I'm so tired of lying to my friends. I'm not this person. I'm nothing near this." I hadn't heard myself be this honest in a really long time. It was somewhat refreshing.

"It's over now, baby." He smiled, running his fingertips across me cheek, "isn't that all that matters?"

"I'm not sure." I said, honestly.

"I'm crazy about you, baby. I've never had a girlfriend like you. And I'll never lead you on or make you feel the way Nate did. I need you to trust me. Yes, LeAnn is still texting me, but we're friends. But that's all."

"Friends, huh?" We're just friends, that's all. How many times had I lied to my own friends and said this? "Like us? Just friends, I mean, that's what we're telling everyone, right?" I didn't mean to snap at him, he had tried to show me in so many ways how much he cared and wanted to make this work, I really did believe him when he said he wanted to be with me and was in it for the long run.

"If you want to tell people, we'll tell people." He smiled, as if this would satisfy me. The truth was, we had waited so long to tell people what was going on, and he had clearly lied about being broken up with LeAnn, so I knew that at this point things were about to get really messy.

"I do. I can't lie anymore. But..." I thought of the look Brooke would give me, after spending hours hearing her talk about how much Gavin had hurt LeAnn, I thought of Jake and the things he said and most of all, I thought of Nathan. He may have been able to do it to me, but I couldn't imagine the way he'd feel knowing that I had a new boyfriend so quickly. Although, it'd probably be the same way I felt when he made the same relationship change himself. "I can't be at my house when it happens. And I can't be here, just in case..."

"Why? Where will you go?" He sat up and pulled me into his chest, his face lying in my hair.

"I'll stay with Peyton, I guess. I don't want to face Brooke... things are going to be such a mess at the beginning. I can't..." I was a coward. He lied, and I didn't confront him. I lied to my friends and now, when it was time to face my mistake... I was going to run. All I wanted to do was run. Nothing was said for the rest of the night, we just sat there enjoying the last night of silence and relaxation before the madness began.

"Thank you for letting me stay here." I smiled at Peyton, she was sitting in her pyjamas sketching furiously again. She smiled and nodded, but was so concentrated and focused on whatever she was drawing. "What are you drawing?" I laughed.

"You. You're an interesting character." She laughed. She finally stopped and put her pencil down. The sound of her angry punk music was suiting my mood perfectly and the understanding look on her face after I told her my whole situation made me feel more relaxed than I had in over a month.

"Me?" I laughed again. "Why am I interesting?"

"Because." She pushed a pile of papers away from her side and motioned for me to come sit by her. As I did, I noticed her picture. It looked like me, and I was staring into a mirror. My eyes were hollow, and in there mirror there was nothing. "It's always those who don't know who they are that I find easiest to figure out."

"Why is there no one in the mirror?" I whispered. It was accurate. So accurate.

"It's how I see you." She nudged me, "Ever since you've been here you've been searching for yourself. And honestly, I don't think you've found what you're looking for in Gavin." Of course Peyton was honest, she was always honest. I remembered a time when I used to be like that, and became filled with jealousy. Not in the angry, envious way. But in a regretful, wishful way. I've spent the last couple months searching to be someone new, and now all I wanted was to be me again.

"You're absolutely right." I kept whispering, afraid to hear my own words.

"Well why are you still hanging on to this, Hales? I haven't known you long but... even I can finish this picture. I just don't think you can."

"I don't have anything else to hang on to." With those last words, my cell phone started to vibrate. I hadn't realized I missed calls from Brooke and Jake. My phone was spammed with angry texts and most importantly... a text from Gavin. The one person I was giving up so much for. I was in so deep that there was no out, so in order to make all of the stress and madness worth it, I was sticking around. I was ashamed of myself for pretending I didn't know he was still with LeAnn. I was ashamed for cutting my friends out of my life, and most importantly, I was ashamed because I let myself get real feelings for someone who had yet to speak an honest word to me.

As I read his text, his promises of a future and happiness screamed in my head. His promise that he'd never felt for anyone as he did when he was with me. His voice vibrated in my ears, his whispered promises and his text then played over all of those voices.

"LeAnn is here. I'm sorry. Just don't worry, she just wants to talk. It's going to be okay baby."

But it wasn't going to be okay, I knew it. Something in the pit of my stomach was laughing loudly for even starting to believe that. My hands shook with fear, were all of my efforts going to be wasted? All of the stress, the fights, everything, pointless.

"Is she still there?" This was the worst thing about texting, the anticipation, the wait. I couldn't do it.

"I'll be right back, I need to use the phone, okay?" I jumped up as Peyton nodded and snuck inside her bedroom. Closing the door behind me, my hands shook. And the phone rang... and rang... and rang. Finally it stopped ringing, but there was still silence on the other end. I could hear him breathing, but neither one of us spoke for some time.

Until, "Don't call me, Haley." It was the first time that he didn't call me baby since we had gotten together, and it was worst than a slap in my face. How could something as simple as using my actual name act as a loaded weapon? "Don't call me anymore." The sound of his breathing was replaced with the deafening silence of an ended conversation, and an ended relationship. We hadn't even told people about our relationship a full hour ago, and it was over, I realized as tears of humiliation streamed down my face.

And then there was the text. What kind of man did such a thing over a text, to someone he claimed to have cared about so deeply? Why did I care so much when we were together for such a short time? Why didn't I feel relieved? I felt dirty and used; humiliated to an extreme that no one had ever felt. I just wanted to evaporate into the air of humiliation that surrounded me, or dissolve in the tears that wouldn't stop flowing.

I've heard people talk about these things, these situations. I've been by my friends' sides as they cried and talked about how it was impossible to live without him. I've laughed at how crazy it sounded and I've honestly been a little annoyed. I've been dumped before, I've had people walk out of my life for no reason at all. But I have never felt this way before. They were all right: all of my friends who described it and everyone who told me to stop before this had happened. But I never thought it would happen like this. I never thought a simple text message would leave me sitting in the middle of Peyton's bedroom aching because of what could have been pure heartache, or shame. I was so ashamed. This was the moment that changed me, the moment that I knew I'd be a different person, or at least I'd make people see I wasn't this person. This was my punishment because it was true that what I had done was my fault, and I deserved every last ounce of this heartache. I wasn't a good person anymore, this city had changed me... it was now clear. I spent my time here trying to be someone so drastically different than I was that I thought without reason and acted without sanity. It was true, that on the surface Gavin was to blame. But when you looked deep down into the core, when you analyzed every part, it was my fault. My body and soul screamed at me telling me if was my own fault. Anything you had to hide from your best friends was not the right thing, I'd stand by this from now on.

It was amazing though. How could one text message change my life in such a way? Those ten words were causing me more pain than ten gun shots would. "This was a big mistake. I love her. This is over."

don't forget to reviewww! :)