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I woke up the next morning still laying on the cold hard floor of Peyton's room. I hadn't noticed before that the deep burgundy walls were scatteredly covered with Peyton's many drawings. The girl really had talent, as each sketch identified the different challenges in her life that I was too selfish to ask about. I saw graves and tears, happiness and friends, a baby, and many of herself. I hadn't really noticed before the struggles that Peyton had been through, and I couldn't remember if she had told me about them throughout the two months we had known each other.

As my eyes wandered her walls, it took me a moment to realize there were legs beneath my head. The night before had been almost a complete blur. I remembered crying, a lot. I remembered being overwhelmed with sadness and most of all I remembered, and was still experiencing, a ridiculous amount of shame. I sat up and rubbed my swollen, stinging eyes, as my head pounded. I felt sick, like I had been up all night with the flu.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" A voice asked softly as a strong, comforting hand ran along my shoulder. I looked back at him, his face smiling at me like I was a pitiful child who had just lost her cat. Flashbacks of the previous night starting developing. People walking in and out of the room as I cried pathetically, and Nathan. I remembered him sitting there all night, rubbing my back and listening to my tears.

"My pride hurts..." I mumbled. And it was sadly true, my pride hurt much more than my heart did.

Nathan chuckled and stretched as he stood and helped me up. His back must have been aching from sitting up all night like that, "Don't, Hales. You have no reason to be ashamed. Gavin is a really bad guy, you did nothing wrong. He cheated, he led both you and LeAnn on, and he threw away the best thing he ever had." he smiled his beautiful smile, making the pain in my chest subside just a little.

"But I let him do those things. I gave up so much... I gave up who I was, and all I got from it was a dreadful text message and a huge dip in my self respect." I sat on Peyton's bed, somewhat afraid to leave the room. I had to face the world and my mistakes, but the only thing I really wanted to do was sit alone and figure out how to be me again.

"Why would you do that, change who you are? You were perfect, this..." He just looked at me and shook his head. Looking across the room into the mirror I saw myself for the first time in months. My hair was so dark, my face smeared with makeup I wouldn't have even worn before I moved to California... it wasn't Haley that I was looking at. It wasn't me, it was someone completely different, and I hated that girl.

"Being myself wasn't working anymore. I was tired of being the innocent girl next door. I was tired of watching everyone else find love and go places in their life that I was too afraid to reach for. Guys don't exactly fall over themselves trying to get to a girl like me.. or, like I was. Like I will be again." Nathan laughter surprised me, he shook his head yet again and pulled me in. I felt him kiss my hair, and he leaned his forehead against mine. I hadn't been this close to him since the summer, and it scared me and calmed me at the exact same time.

"Are you kidding me." He smiled into my eyes, "I, of all people, know that you're not innocent," He winked. "And I transferred schools for you, I left behind my whole life chasing something that was just a summer thing. You're just... perfect." His voice turned into a whisper as his cheeks flushed. I pulled back from him and stared at him. He was embarrassed, not intending to say as much as he did. All I could do was wish he had said it before, when I wasn't a heartbroken wreck. I wanted to fast forward and have him say this in a month or so, when I was myself again. "But this Haley isn't the one I fell for." He admitted.

My thoughts were interrupted by a smash in the living room and the sound of fierce laughter. Poking my head outside I saw all of my friends gathered around and Lucas sitting amongst a pile of milk and cereal. It was the first time I had ever seen all of my friends together in one place, even those who barely knew each other. I guess it really look a disaster like myself to bring such people together.

"Haley!" Peyton smiled as she noticed me entering the room. The four of them, Peyton, Lucas, Rachel and Brooke, all came over and swarmed me. Arms were tangled all around my body. I felt smothered and squat, and fantastic. "Feeling any better today?"

Memories of how terrible I felt choked me and I came to the realization that the only way to keep myself from crying was to not think of it all. I had never had so many mixed emotions. My eyes stung from crying as my nose was filled with the smell of Nathan's cologne. "I kind of can't feel anything at all." I admitted. "I have to talk to you guys though, I really do. Can we all just... sit."

Everyone shuffled and sat in various places around the room. I had so much to say to them all about my behaviour over the past couple months, and no idea how to say it. "I just..." I looked around, Nathan was smiling at me, Brooke was looking around awkwardly and everyone else was patiently waiting for me to speak. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I started to cry.

"Sorry?" Peyton spoke up. "For what?"

"For what I did. I've caused everyone so much pain. Jake will probably never forgive me and I've been lying to everyone so much. This isn't me, I didn't mean to be this person and I honestly have no idea what is going on anymore." I couldn't hold back my tears anymore, but was surprised there were any left as they skimmed my cheeks.

"James." Brooke's voice was stern, the way it had been so often lately. She stood up and walked towards me, reaching out and grabbing me by the shoulders. Her grip was strong and her face so serious. "Don't for a second think that any of this was your fault. I know you better than anyone else in this house, and I know you weren't yourself. You were manipulated and hurt. This is Gavin's fault. I don't ever want to hear you blame yourself again."

As much as I appreciated what she was saying, it wasn't true, "No, I let this happen. I have been acting like a fool. He may not have told me he was still with LeAnn, but if I cared enough I would have known. The secrets and..."

"Stop!" Brooke's lip quivered as she loosened her grip. "Stop it please, because I hate to see you like this. I love you James, and you're a good person. I'm going to stand by your side through all of this. And as for Jake, he loves you too and he'll come around."

"The things he said..." I sobbed.

"It doesn't matter." She whispered sweetly, "You're going to be okay, I'm going to make sure of it." She pulled me in and let me cry on her shoulder. How had I not realized before that I had the best friend in the entire universe? I automatically felt as though I had taken advantage of the wonderful person she was for many years. But it would never happen again. This was my chance to reinvent myself the right way, I was going to be a good person.

"Everyone loses themselves now and then, Hales." Lucas smirked. "It's how you find yourself again that defines who you are." he winked at me, and I heard Nathan scoff.

"You're so cheesy." Nathan mumbled.

"I like it." Brooke winked at Lucas. Everyone laughed and we all sat around silently. Maybe we all had class that day, I'm not completely sure. We could have all had big plans, we could have had a million other things to do on a Tuesday. But on that particular one, it didn't matter. We just sat, occasionally cried, laughed, cried more, and enjoyed being the strange, complicated group of people we were.

Although I was happy to be with them, in the pit of my stomach there was still a sadness growing that wouldn't go away. And the more that sadness grew, the more strength it took for me to not pick up my phone and message him. Every time I tried I thought of the things he said about LeAnn when they had "broken up". How she was a loser for texting him all the time, how pathetic it was that she tried to get him back and I didn't want to be that girl. It didn't matter if I was falling apart, I was stronger than her, and stronger than he thought I was. If he was going to throw away what we had, he was going to regret it.

"What are you thinking about?" Brooke nudged me.

"The walls. The ceiling. The..." my mind screamed the things at me that I was really thinking of. Pain, heartache, shame... "floor." Brooke's confused smile made me chuckle, "You know. Umm, how plastic is made, what the chemical formula of..." That wouldn't work. Chemicals lead to chemistry. Chemistry lead to my lab. My lab lead to Gavin. "Anything I can think of so that I don't think of... him."

"It gets easier, you know that." She smiled, rubbing my back.

"How would I know that?" I muttered.

"Well, you stopped thinking of Nathan, didn't you." She said it under her breath so that no one would hear her, but I saw Nathan's face fall into pure concentration, waiting for my answer.

"Not yet." I admitted.

"Oh." She smiled awkwardly, and I noticed Nathan smile to himself. He could pretend he wasn't listening, but I knew he was and my answer made him forget Rachel was even talking to him. "Well, Gavin's not Nathan, is he?"

No, Gavin absolutely was not Nathan. But it still hurt just as much.