A/N: Thanks everyone for your support, you very kind words really help my confidence. The muse is cooperating so I'm just going with it. Thanks kcaitlin for having a look at this.

Chapter 3

The sun had set over the desert and the city was now awake, painted with the neon lights of the strip. I had been sitting in the motel room in the dark, wishing for my headache to disappear. I still felt awful; I should have just called her, or at least knocked on the front door. Instead I blindsided her. Inflicted a Blitzkrieg. She had to find me cowering in the parking lot; if I hadn't been so ashamed of my actions years ago, then I would have wanted to crawl in a hole after today.

It seemed like through my actions this afternoon I made things so much worse, if that was even possible, except that little girl's smile was like a breath of fresh air. My previously paralyzed lungs and limbs began to stir to life. My heart and soul so damaged by self loathing felt like it was being pieced together, fused together by the little girl's cheeky grin, startling blue eyes, soft brown curls. In the short drive from their apartment to the motel I was enthralled with that little sparkle that showed her amusement. I wondered if she recognized my eyes. I wondered what secret she held behind that grin.

When I first came back to the hotel I was disgusted by the state of my room. The half eaten pizza, the ashtray with the evidence of last night's chain smoking and the mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels were not the items that screamed responsible parent. The only thing that could make this scene worse would be a 25cent Magic Fingers vibrating bed. If I wanted to be a parent I needed to make some changes, and it started by taking out the trash.

This was the first time I ever allowed myself the hope of being in her life. But there was something about her; I knew I had to be a part of her life. I was selfish. A better man would have left them alone, bowed out gracefully, try not to cause anymore damage. Her smile had given me hope, and the fact that Lindsay was so stunned to see me and didn't even sock me in the eye, left me with more optimism than I probably should have had.

I thought about the things I could do. I could give her some time, and then try to call her. Or maybe write a letter. I didn't think I should go back to their apartment. I worried that Lindsay might wake from her nonviolent stunned daze and I didn't want to cause a scene and scare Sierra. I was deep in my third mental draft of my letter to Lindsay, when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it doubting that this motel offered turndown service, but was surprised with the last person in the world who I thought would seek me out.

"Hi Danny. Can I come in?" She was composed and calculated, her voice crisp with professionalism, which I guessed was to contain any immediate violent tendencies towards me.

"Oh yeah, yeah, sure of course, come on in, sorry it's kinda a mess, well the whole place is kinda a dump but yeah come in." I could kick myself, of all the times for my nervous rambling to set in. My earlier muteness had been replaced by an extreme verbal emission. I willed myself to close my mouth, and try to avoid digging an even deeper grave.

"Why are you here Danny?" My first thought was a defensive mimicry of her question but I quickly realized I owed her an explanation. After all these years of absolutely no contact, what brought me to the front of her apartment?

"I'm really sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have been there." I spoke rapidly without looking at her, afraid of what her face might reveal. It might have revealed to me that all hope was lost. I missed out on being in their lives and she was just here to tell me to get outta Dodge.

"Just stop it Danny. I didn't come for your apology; I just want to know why you're here." She said shortly, plainly exasperated by my presence and my lack of a reason. I imagined that she was confused. I didn't know how to tell her what she definitely already knew. Did she just want me to say it? That I made a huge mistake. That I regretted it everyday. That I was too much of a coward to come after her before now.

"I wanted to see her." I wanted to add, "and I wanted to see you." But I knew I had no right to say that. No right to even think that. I barely had a right to want to be in Sierra's life after all this time. She didn't have to ask me why. She knew how wonderful this little girl was, and how obviously lucky anyone would be to get to be in her life.

"I can't let you just come in here and mess things up. If you aren't actually serious, if this is just a passing phase, you can't just come into her life and pretend to be a father for a weekend and then leave. It's too hard." I almost breathed a sigh of relief. She hadn't just refused me, but instead I realized it was worse, she had absolutely no trust in me. But I had never given any reason to trust in me, never any reason to indicate that I might be serious about being a father. In fact I only showed her the opposite by walking out on her after she told me he was pregnant. I took a deep breath and tried to think of the best possible reasons for her to now trust my sincerity.

"I know Lindsay, and the last thing I want to do is mess things up. And I know me coming here like this is probably the worse way to gain your trust." She let a small snort of incredulity escape, but I tried to not let it deter me. "…and I know I can never fix the things I did before, but I really want to stop continuing to make those mistakes." I finished with my eyes on the ground, mentally tracing the stain on the carpet. My heart so heavy for my past mistakes and what seemed like my only hope for a future. Everything rode on this conversation, between what where now two strangers, in a seedy motel, in the middle of the desert. Two strangers, who were once so close, so connected, so intimate. I used to memorize the feeling of her skin, the shape of her body to get me through the day until I could hold her again. I could walk into a room and still recognize her lingering scent. It wasn't just a large questionable stain on the carpet that separated us now. It was one changing moment, one stupid decision, and one harsh echo of a door shutting which translated to these past years of hurt. A world apart, a country apart, and literally one life apart.

She was silent for a long time. Then she stood up and walked towards the door. She paused with her fingers grasped around the doorknob, the lights from the parking lot reflecting off the tears which pooled in her eyes. She looked back at me over her left shoulder and in a small voice said, "I'm going to need some time."

I swallowed thickly, and my heart broke watching her as her tears threatened to fall. I knew I would fall apart as well and had to answer her with only stiff head nod hiding my quivering lips. When the door shut behind her, I slid down the wall as the sobs overtook my body.