Thank you for reading and reviewing so far.
This last chapter of this fic and closes the whole post-Lauren series; obviously I'm far from content with it, but I did it and undid it too many times so now I surrender... here it is.
Feedback is always appreciated.
The SUV stops in the driveway with a shriek and the profilers jump out; as soon as they see one of their cars parked outside of the house but no trace of Emily, they frantically hurry up. Morgan is walking ahead gun in hand and Hotch follows behind, a livid mask of worry.
When they hear the gunshot, their paces quicken dramatically and hold their breath. In a moment they are back in Boston in a dank abandoned building; in a moment they're again preparing to mourn a friend, in a moment the desperation takes over. How to handle the same loss twice?
Then they get to the room where the shot came from; Portman is tied to a chair and a girl they recognize as one of the potential victims, is glued to the wall, her face a mix of anger and incredulity. The gun is on the ground and the unsub is lying on the floor, hands twined behind his head.
Rage, fear, concern, resent, grief and many other unspoken feelings surge and fill the room paralyzing their minds and their muscles for an interminable instant, then they take in the scene and proceed to clear the room for the police, the CSI and the paramedics to step in taking care of their tasks.
Their job's over.
"Oh my God!" Garcia holds her breath, eyes wide, leg twitching on her chair "..So turns out that Portman-the assistant was innocent, whereas Caine-the scammer was the unsub and he killed the girls who turned him in to the dean?" she asks confused, taking a sip from her glass.
"Technically Caine wasn't the scam. He was more the executor of the plan" Reid clarifies "the other girl we found at the scene planned the false accusations against the Portman because he refused her advances"
"Then when Portman came back, she planned the ruse in order to frame him as the killer of the campus, and she tried to stage his suicide so he couldn't defend himself" Rossi concludes.
"What about the mirrors and the light bulbs?" Garcia asks still confused.
"She wanted to repeat the MO of the killer of the campus so the evidence would nail Portman" Morgan explains.
"But the killer of the campus was using the trick of the broken lamp to get an opportunity, while in this case the shattered mirrors suggested self loathing; the unsub wants to be invisible to himself and the others.." Garcia maintains, trying to find logic in those deaths.
"Oh, listen to you baby girl!" Morgan exclaims, "talking like a profiler. Should I watch my back now?"
Garcia gives him a nudge "Anyway, may this serve as a lesson to all of you" she warns with a grin.
"About what?" Reid asks.
"The things a woman can make you do…" she replies with a smirk that makes everybody chuckle, except Reid who looks at her lost.
"No, baby girl" Morgan corrects, "the things a nasty psychopath can make you do"
"Whatever…" she waves a hand playing with the umbrella in her cocktail "the gist is that you would be lost if our Emily hadn't figured it all out and saved the day" Penelope chants rising her glass followed by the rest of them.
As soon as the team made it back to the base, Garcia dragged them all out for a toast not leaving any room for a no; she almost lost one member of the family today, for the second time. She needs to feel them close, to look them in the eyes and make sure they're fine, that nothing is slipping through the sieve of her watch. And when she sees all her friends smiling and laughing she shifts on her seat keeping a sob of relief to come out and finally allows herself to breathe.
Everyone's ok, almost.
"By the way where's Emily?" Rossi asks.
"She had her last psychological evaluation, she'll catch up with us when she's done" Hotch responds.
"But she'll be fine. Won't she?" Penelope questions unable to mask her anxiety.
"She got back to the field with a pretty tough case" Morgan shoots Hotch a sharp glance "But she didn't lose it and nobody got hurt"
"So?" Penelope urges.
"So we'll take care of her and she will be okay" Morgan answers, staring down at his glass.
"You never really believed that Portman was guilty. Did you?" Doctor Malloy asks curious after listening to Emily's recount of the case.
"I hoped he was not guilty" she answers.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. This guy lost his job, his family and his own identity and no matter what the others will think or remember, he will probably spend the rest of his life dealing with the consequences of that episode. I kind of understand what he's been through" she admits looking down at her hands.
"Do you think it would be easier for you if you could forget your past?" he asks calm and impassive
"I don't think I'd want to.." she shrugs "I fought fiercely to survive and nail Doyle, and there are many things I've done that I'm not proud of, but I don't want to walk away as if none of it ever happened. I can't."
"Then what do you want to do?"
"I want to face the consequences; I want a chance to get my life back on track and to forgive myself" as the answer comes out, it feels like she's been unburdened of a huge weight.
"Then you're on the right way to do that" Malloy smiles extending his hand, "I think we are done here. I don't have any reason to hold you back from your job… and your projects"
I'm Erica Porter the merciless dealer, who taught me that the best way to walk out of a confrontation alive is to make your opponent believe you're a ruthless killer and won't hesitate to strike to his heart if you need to.
I'm Ellen Payton the unrepentant troublemaker, who keeps her scars in plain sight to remind herself how she got here and where she's headed, and to warn people she's not a woman to cross.
I'm Ellie Pierce the polished businesswoman, who stashes the dirt under the carpet and swallows her secrets down with her vodka Martini. She puts up a smile and delivers the results; when asked she answers that everything went fine and the mission was accomplished successfully, she knows nobody wants to hear what happened behind the curtain, and if she's fool enough to have a conscience, that's her own damn problem exclusively.
I'm Emily Prentiss the defiant FBI agent, who risked everything in order to obey to her heart and protect the ones she loves, who came back with many doubts and few answers, seeking the truth and looking for redemption, and spends endless nights in front of her grave wondering what's going to be of her now.
I can be whoever you ask me to be; no truest camouflage could conceal my broken identity.
They told me to leave the past behind and offered me a free pass to forget what I did and leave those women in a dark corner. Let Emily Prentiss be again; fidelity, bravery, integrity.
But I'm afraid I don't know anymore how to be me without these women at my side, I cannot be me without facing what they left behind. Atonement is the only possible way to cope with my past, so if I do enough good, if I save enough lives, if I protect my family and I'm loyal to my friends, if I fulfill my oaths, maybe one day I will be forgiven, I'll be able to look at the mirror seeing a whole person and not a collection of fragments.
Morgan finds her at the bureau "Hotch told you were joining us after psych eval and I don't know why I had the feeling I would have found you here" he approaches her with his velvet voice.
"So, you found me" she smiles tired "Now what?"
"Now I take you to the bar for a toast. We saved a life thanks to you today" he closes the file she's reading, pushing it aside and sits on the corner of her desk.
"Then why doesn't it taste like a happy ending at all?" she inquires back at him, "three murders are still unsolved; four more lives have been taken out of a stupid revenge; Portman's reputation and family are shred into pieces; Caine and his girlfriend will spend the rest of their life in jail" she insists.
"It was a tough case for all of us, and exactly for this reason one shouldn't be alone in nights like this" he counters softly "But this is not the problem, you've been fidgety over the past days and something's definitely up with you"
"Damn, profilers…" she drops a pencil in defeat.
He chuckles and looks at the paper she's handing him "I've been cleared by the shrink. I can officially come back to the team if you want me to" she explains unenthusiastically.
Derek takes a look at the paper, then at her. He furrows "What's wrong?"
"I'm kind of scared. I know I've changed after being through all this, but what if I haven't changed for the better, what if I can't cope with the job or I'm not good for the team anymore" she reveals stealing a glance at him.
"Emily, you've been to the hell and back, and you need to take one step at a time and remember you're not alone. You can count on me, as well as on the rest of the team" he reassures her.
A brief smile appears on her face at the memory of an old conversation. Derek leans closer and raises her chin till her gaze is leveled to his "I'm not letting you go, ever. Now come with me, a toast is waiting for you"
She can't help a smile and complies following him.
When they join the rest of the team at the bar, she feels the familiar warmth running through her bones, the reassuring feeling of being back home after a long journey, of being loved and accepted.
She closes her eyes as the smoked flavor of whiskey fills her mouth and runs down her throat finally spreading a burning chill through her chest; the alcohol and the miscellany of feelings of the past days sending a hot shiver down her spine.
Morgan confabulates something with Hotch and shows him a paper he took unseen from her desk; then the chief looks at her and rises his glass with a rare smile followed by the rest of the company "Welcome back to the team Special Supervisory Agent Emily Prentiss".
Hope you liked how it went down... I'm happy to receive comments and requests if you have any!