Dsiclaimer- I don't own FMA. :(

Enjoy!

June 29th, 1916

21:33

Disposition- In extreme pain, but coherent.

So. Today I went on a date with Major General Olivier Mira Armstrong.

I almost died.

I was literally seconds away from death.

Here's what happened-

I showed up at the Very Expensive Restaurant where Havoc told me to meet her and winced. I almost, ALMOST walked off until I realized what an unpleasant sound my ribs cracking would be.

She was in there, glaring at me as I shuffled in, trying to hide behind my Badass Longcoat. It didn't work. It never does.

Now, I know I used theatre script to do dialogue, but I'm going to write it like a novel now. Theatre dialogue is boring and hard to write. Haha, I almost misspelled that as wiener. I'm not sure how though…

"It looks like you did show up," said Armstrong briskly. "I was thinking about punching you in the chest if you didn't."

I knew it!

"Mmm." I said intelligently. She was looking splendid, seeing as this was the first time I'd seen her out of uniform. Ever. Her shirt was low-cut and her breasts were very voluptuous. She'd be hot if I went for crazy, work-crazed military psychopaths and felt like betraying Riza.

Ew, I think Kimblee falls under that category.

He's hot too. Just saying.

"Sit down and stop looking at my boobs."

"Sorry." I croaked, and sat down. She stared at me unblinkingly, making me feel violated and scared at the same time. How does she do this? I want to know.

"Why did you want to go on a date with me?" she asked bluntly. I smiled. Thank god.

Then I realized I'd have to answer.

So I didn't.

She tapped her side, chuckling evilly. I glanced under the table and realized, accompanied by a cold sweat, that she had brought her sabre.

It was then that I began to fear for my life.

"Relax," she said sweetly. "I know you're not interested in anything about me except my boobs."

"I'm not interested in your boobs!" I spluttered.

Olivier swung her long, blonde hair over her shoulder. "Sure you're not. Be happy I'm not hurting you for lying. So, tell me, why have you decided to send Havoc in your place to ask me out?"

"I didn't," I muttered, pushing away images of my bleeding and crying as she cackled over my half-dead corpse. I had to play it safe. "We made a bet. He said he could get me a date with the love of my life in two weeks."

"And what were the stakes?"

"I grow a moustache if he wins, he shaves his head if he loses."

She snorted. Very unladylike. "I might stick around to see that moustache. I remember that greasy little thing."

"Shut up." I grumbled. She shot me a look and I was the one who shut up.

"I don't remember you being this whipped." she giggled. God, she giggled! Argh, I think I'm dying!

"Love will do that to a man."

"So, who do you love?"

I cleared my throat. "Secrets, secrets."

"Riza Hawkeye, right?"

Dammit, when did she get so wise?

"Maybe."

"How long?"

"Since what, lunch?"

"Oh, Roy, you've been so obedient today. Don't make me hurt you."

Damn her.

"How long have you loved her?"

My response came out as a mumble.

"What was that? You're wearing my patience out."

I wanted to tell her where she could stuff her incredibly thin patience, but instead I said, "About fifteen years."

"Roy, you're thirty-two!"

How the hell does she know that!

"You've loved her since you were seventeen!" she continued, but her eyes were flicking to a spot behind me. She kept ranting, but reached into her pocket and pulled out a pad and paper. She wrote on it as she yelled and I tried to look both nonchalant and scared while trying to figure out what she was writing. Not easy, let me tell you.

Roy, you dumbass, don't look behind you, but Havoc is spying on us.

Even as I write this I still want to burn Havoc alive for his annoying-as-hellness.

Yes, that is now a word.

She winked at me and said loudly. "Oh, Roy, stop it. We're in a public place! Don't you think your hand is going a little to deep?" And she started moaning deeply. I quickly put my hand under the table.

The old lady next to us got up and scurried off, scandalized.

We heard a quickly stifled gasp from the potted plant two booths away from us. Aha!

"I have to use the bathroom," she panted. "Roy, come with me."

She grabbed my arm and we tiptoed to wear Havoc was spying on us, not noticing that we'd heard him.

"Boo." said Olivier.

Havoc jumped a foot in the air. He grinned sheepishly at us. "You two sounded like you were having fun."

"I was faking it," said Olivier calmly. "This is for being an idiot and screwing with us." And she kicked him in the balls.

"The jewels!" he gasped.

I was too busy laughing at him to notice that she had turned to me.

"And this is for not having the balls to tell you that woman you love her." said Armstrong. And she kicked me in the balls, not once, not twice, but six times. Olivier wears steel-toed boots, by the way. Oh, and that's not all. As I was lying on the ground, she reached down and grabbed my ball sack. I heard a very sickening noise.

And she walked off.

That is how I ended up in my apartment with four ice packs on my privates and Havoc tending to my every whim. Trust me, I deserved it. Havoc actually had to carry me home, and I still can't walk. I probably won't go into work tomorrow (oh, the pity).

Shit! I'll have to tell Riza why I didn't come into work! I can't exactly tell her the truth! She'll laugh at me!

…Or she won't believe me.

Whatever.

Just to let you know, Havoc has been apologizing all night and is letting me use his head as I write this. He's not even teasing me about the diary.

….It's not really worth the bruises. Havoc promised me I'd still be able to have kids, but I'm not so sure.

I'd say goodbye with manly love, but I'm also not so sure I'm a man anymore.

Brigadier General Roy Mustang

I love my dad. I really, really, love my dad. You know why? Because it's Easter, which I had forgotten about, and my dad remembered and not only got me an Easter basket but stuck and Ed plushie in there! I have an Ed plushie! :) My dad loves fma too. He went as Bradley for a con once (I went as Ed).

As I've said before, I love writing this. And yes, another quick update. They'll all be like this, don't worry~! Please tell me what you think and review!