I meant to put more in this chapter, but once I got started, it became all about Bella. I felt like I needed to explore her angst, if you will. The italics that are margined with the rest of the writing are Bella's thoughts, in case you get confused with the "I" part, since I've been writing this story in the 3rd person.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, because if I did, I wouldn't be a school teacher. I'd be wearing clothes made out of money.

Only with you
What's left of me is yours to keep
What's left of me is yours
Breathe you in and it's all over now
When my arms open
Breathe you in and it's all over now
When my arms open
Breathe you in, I'll breathe you in
Breathe you in, I'll breathe you in
Breathe you in and its all over now
When my arms open, When my arms open
Breathe you in and its all over now
When my arms open, When my arms open
I'm drowning, I'm drowning, I'm drowning
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me…

What's Left of Me - blessthefall

Bella burst through the front door, her breathing ragged, hiccups interrupting the steady stream of sobs that poured from her lips. She couldn't see, couldn't breath, and she felt herself falling, tripping, as her blind feet found the edge of the front porch. She landed in the wet dirt, her elbows and knees connecting with the soft mud that had collected in the shallow depths around the house. An anguished scream echoed from inside and she felt her heart skip a beat, knowing that the pain she heard was because of her own idiocy. She pounded the damp earth, furious with herself. Her thoughts raced through her head, so quickly that she could barely understand what was running through her own brain...

I'm lost… where is that I've been going? There's always been a direction… a purpose. It's all gone now. There's nothing left. I must have had it all figured out - right? I must have been so sure that I was making all the right choices, doing all the right things to find myself where I am now. But what do I do now that all of that has disappeared? I can't pretend like everything has changed when I know that's not the case. Just because I change my mind doesn't mean that everyone else has.

lostlostlostlostlostlost….

Who said there were ever right answers? I'm so afraid that everything I've ever done is wrong. There's so much judgment - who's going to understand when I tell them I can't do it anymore? That I need to start all over? That I'm not ok with my life - that's it's not the life I want? Hell, I don't even understand my life, much less where to go from here. Everyone just stares, wondering when I'm going to break. Well, here you go folks - officially off the rocker!

Brain mush.

There's no manual for this. No right answers. There are plenty of people, however, that feel like it's their place to make all of my decisions, tell me what to do, who to love, how to feel, who to be.

Forget them! Screw them and their pushy arrogance.

What did anyone else know anyway? Have they been in my brain? They couldn't have possibly known every thought I've ever had.

I'm so stupid! What was I even thinking, coming here tonight? I can't give him what he wants. I can't even give myself what I want because I couldn't even begin to imagine what that is. There are so many expectations, so many other people to think about with each and every choice I make and I don't know enough about myself to even begin to think about other people. How can I look them in the eyes and break their hearts when they've done nothing wrong? I'm the idiot without any memories. I'm the stupid one that drove my car into a tree. I'm the one with post traumatic retrograde amnesia, or whatever the hell Dr. Cullen called it. Gibberish. Nonsense.

Emptiness.

Loneliness.

Is that all that is left for me? A head empty of any memories?

Maybe it would have been easier for everyone if I had just never woken up. They could have buried me, mourned me, moved on. Instead, everyone's stuck, running in place with no destination in mind because I'M stuck. I'M the one that's keeping everyone here. I'M the one with no place left to go because I can't remember where I've been.

I want to run, I want to scream, I want to fall down, all on my own. Anything to feel again - anything to not feel like a stranger in my own life. I don't want the past to dictate my future. I want it to be mine.

MINE.

And no one else's.

But my insides ache with the knowledge that I'm no longer the same person. I want to cry when I look my own father and mother in the face and realize that I don't know how to love them anymore. I want to scream every time Edward looks at me with those golden eyes of his, so full of love, of pain, of wisdom, of things I don't have words for…. knowing that every piece of me is supposed to be in love with him. I can't stand that I hurt Jake - he's so open, passionate, wearing his heart on his sleeve, and I can't get passed the warmth of his body long enough to remind myself that I don't even know him anymore.

I spend every morning staring around my room, trying to remind myself of who I used to be. My bedspread is purple - do I like the color purple? I have a camera on my desk - do I like to take pictures? I have a whole stack of CD's from bands that I can't remember, although the lines on the disc tell me that I've listened to them many times before. The dog-eared pages of the books that sit next to my bed tell me that I enjoy the classics, but I can hardly concentrate long enough to get through a chapter.

I feel like every moment is like my very first, because I have nothing else to base it on. Like a newborn… if you could call an 18 year old a newborn. I want to say that I wish could just forget, but I've already done that - it's no longer possible to wish that I could just start over, because I'm already there.

It's almost like I have nothing left, because I don't remember ever having anything to start with.

Nothing.

If you could call it that.

If "nothing" included parents, a boyfriend, a best friend, a life I don't even know. I can't appreciate what I don't understand.

I should stop this pity party. It's almost disgusting. How anyone puts up with me I'm not even sure.

Would it be easier to get lost? To run until there's no place left to go?

It was with that thought that Bella blinked, and realized that she was no longer in front of the Black's house. She felt her breath, ripping in gasps from her throat. She looked down, seeing her knees covered in mud. She shook her head, not remembering getting up off the ground, much less starting to run. Do I even run? Ever? Leaves filled her tangled hair, and it was then she felt the sting of the scratches that covered her arms.

She realized that she wasn't crying anymore, and reached up to touch her cheeks, sticky with sweat and dried tears. She grimaced, feeling the ache already collecting in her body, angry with herself for this stupid sudden sprint into the dark forest.

She had no idea how she had gotten here. She did not know this place.

She looked around, and the icy night surrounded her, totally and completely, it's dark fingers sliding their way down her spine, and she shivered. She hugged her arms closer to her chest, feeling stupid for running away from the house without even wearing a long sleeve shirt. It's cold at night in Washington State, you moron, she chastised herself, rolling her eyes. Too late now.

Peering around her, she discovered that she was standing along the edge of cliff, the water crashing below, and a feeling came over her that she had been there before. The water was dark, foreboding, as if the night was trying to warn against unwelcome visitors. It was a place a person could get lost in, just using their eyes. It was dangerous, foolish, to be so close to it, and she took another step. The dry dirt crumbled below her, falling swiftly down to the angry waves below her, and logic told her to move back.

She didn't.

The moon was bright above her, casting eerie shadows on the trees that enclosed her on three sides. The wind drifted through the dry leaves, and it felt like the trees were shivering too, as if they could feel the cold. The frozen air off the water blew harshly through her tattered hair, and she could hear the trees groan in protest. But this time, she didn't pull away from the pain the world around her caused - she stretched open her arms, welcoming the frosty cruelty of the night sky. Her eyes clamped shut… she didn't want to see anymore.

She wanted to force all thoughts out of her head, think of nothing but the darkness, the night, the wind, the water below her. But it was Jacob's face that found its way in. Her eyes snapped open in impatience. Could he not give her a moment's peace? Her body felt warmer just thinking of him, and it made her angry. She did not understand him, his persistence, his passion. Everything about him confused her. He made her feel things that she did not understand. She wanted him, wanted everything about him, and she knew that was not how it was supposed to be.

I'm in love with Edward - EDWARD. Not Jacob. It's not normal to think these things about your best friend, even if he's boy… right?

And they were both so different. Edward was conservative, eloquent, distinguished, reserved, brilliant, gorgeous, wealthy. The complete opposite of Jacob, who was reckless, passionate, warm, funny, blue collar in every sense of the word, and she got the feeling that he wasn't afraid to get dirty. Dirty. She felt like the word held more than one implication in Jacob's case. And he was beautiful. More than beautiful. Beautiful, like your-mouth-goes-dry-and-you-forget-to-breath beautiful.

Bella shook her head, hoping the physical movement would dismiss the russet skinned boy from her mind. And for the moment, it did, and she moved her attention back to the water. Her feet began to move over the edge of the rocks, exposing the bottoms of toes to the night air.

She should have been afraid.

But she wasn't.

Her breath caught in her throat as the wind picked up again, her arms rising, fingers spread, as if she could embrace the night itself, hold it to her body so that it would carry her away, across the water, away from this place where she didn't belong.

Where she would never belong.

She wanted to say something, just one more thing, before it was all over, but the words were frozen.

She sighed, relief flooding her. Soon, it wouldn't hurt anymore. Soon, she could be alone.

Soon.

Soon….