While we ate dinner I kept looking over to Sierra; I was still haunted by the sadness that I had seen in her eyes. Behind the precocious smile hid a darker shadow. I wanted to know what made her so sad, and I wanted to fix it. The table was silent but Lindsay was gently trying to get Sierra to cheer up. Obviously she didn't like to see her unhappy either. There were gentle smiles, soft tickling, and soon Sierra was giggling again.

"Mommy?"

"Yes honey?" I was still in awe of how much love exuded from Lindsay just saying those words.

"Can Danny stay and watch a movie with me?" Lindsay raised her eyes to reach mine, and while still looking at me she said, "I think that would be okay."

"Yay!" and finally a real smile reached Sierra's eyes and warmed my heart. Lindsay looked grateful; right now I was able to give my daughter something that she could not.

We started to bring the plates to the kitchen but Lindsay shuffled us away. Sierra ran to the cabinet under the television. I guessed that she had a movie all picked out in her mind. I looked to Lindsay, who just replied with a shrug, "Black Beauty. It's her favorite." Sure enough, Sierra came running back over holding an obviously well loved DVD of the movie. "Danny you'll love this movie. Do you like horses? I love horses. I get to ride them when we go to Montana. There are some really sad parts, so it's okay if you cry, I won't tell anyone. Neither will Mommy."

Soon she and I were settled on the couch. Sierra was very excited and was on the edge of her seat, bouncing as the horse's narration filled the room. By the time Beauty belonged to a cab driver in London, Sierra was curled up on my lap asleep. Lindsay had joined me. It was awkward, the air between us magnetic but it felt as if we were high schoolers on a first date. I supposed that is what happens to former lovers. The passion and tension that made everything so electric while in a relationship, now just felt like the elephant in the corner of the room. We had been so intimate once, so passionate, and now we sat with the product of that love in between us. I wished I knew how to fix this, to know if I could fix this, knew of some way to bridge the huge gap between us. The gap, which was mined from years of distance and a lifetime of heartache.

My heart was so heavy from the weight of the chains of the past, yet felt so light with the prospect of a future with my daughter. The result was an extremely painful clenching of my heart that made me want to cry with mourning and cheer with elation.

As the movie closed with the final image of Beauty convalescing and reminiscing, reunited with his good friend from years ago. For him, some of the past contained the best memories which cushioned the now safe and bright future. His darkest times were pushed away for the future was bright. For me the past was littered with my mistakes, I walked through a graveyard of my own making, haunted by my errors. I never wanted to forget the good memories, and even wanted to keep the bad as a reminder of my stupidity. I just wished my future was as certain, lush grass, a gentle stream and most importantly a forever home.

There were so many things I felt I needed to say to her but I couldn't form the words. I didn't want to break the magic of this moment, this perfect day. I was so afraid I might wake up, and find myself still waiting for Lindsay to call me in my seedy motel room. Or worse wake up in my apartment in New York, without having made this attempt to rebuild my lost life. I had always been a coward when it came to the things that mattered the most. To me, walking out on your pregnant girlfriend was the textbook definition of coward. There were so many things I should have done differently. I should have told her I loved her years ago. I should tell her now, but just because I recognized myself as a coward didn't mean I was completely ready to make a fool of myself. I imagined she would laugh herself silly. I didn't know if that would before or after she slapped me across my face. What type of person did I think I was? I couldn't waltz into her life after all I did to her, all I put her through and tell her I loved her, expecting that to be enough. For me to be enough. It just wasn't realistic, even if she did still feel that way about me, which I allowed myself to hope that she did, her natural instincts to protect herself and her offspring would recognize a man doomed to failure instantly. Even if it were said with the best of intentions, she just couldn't feel the same way after everything I did to her and my daughter. Right now I needed to surrender my fanciful notions of a happily ever after, it had been one day, and one day couldn't change everything.

She spoke first breaking the silence that crowded the living room, "Do you think you could carry her into her bedroom?"

I nodded, afraid to speak. I couldn't believe I was going to actually put my daughter to bed. I carried her gently following her into a small bedroom. The room was painted a soft green; there was a small white bed with a galloping horse print on the covers. I set her gently down on the bed, but not before giving her a small kiss on the forehead. Lindsay changed the mostly asleep girl into her pajamas, as she tucked a small stuffed horse into her arms she also placed a lingering kiss on Sierra's forehead. Sierra mumbled in her sleep,"Night Mommy, night Daddy." My eyes went wide and I was dumbstruck. Lindsay walked past me and out of Sierra's room without a word. I stayed watching my daughter for a bit longer, confused by her words. Was I hoping so much to hear those words that I imagined it?

When I finally walked back into the living room Lindsay was sitting on the couch. Only the light from the kitchen filtered into the room. She didn't turn to look at me, but said, "I want to hate you." I knew not to say anything. I imagined she had a well thought out speech if she ever saw me again. Was she going to tell me where to go?

"I want to be angry with you, but I'm just sad for you. You've missed out on knowing this amazing little girl." I thought she could probably hear my heart pounding, and the struggle to breathe made my breath ragged. I couldn't say anything; I agreed completely. "She is so smart Danny. She is a lot like you. Stubborn. Funny. Passionate. And those eyes that can pierce your soul; that you feel like you'll drown if you stare into them for too long." She finally turned her head to look at me, and I could see the tracks of tears that stained her face. I wanted to reach out and touch her, but knew I had no right to. I caused the first tears so I wasn't allowed to comfort her through these.

"She really likes you. She really wants a father. That thing in two weeks that she was talking about is Bring Your Father to School Day. She's never had a father there. My brother usually comes down from Montana to take her." My heart clenched. I had always thought they'd be better off without me, but I never even thought about events like this, that would just serve to remind her that her father was not around.

"We are doing okay without you."

"I'm not."

"You aren't just sweeping in here to rescue us."

"No. You are saving me."