Disclaimer: (Sigh). Why bother? You already know that I own practically everything in this story except for Ace Attorney elements… why do I have to do this time and time again? Sigh… I wish I had some EmO's™ brand cereal right about now… You know, there is a free razorblade in every box…

Turnabout of the Ancient Mariner

(Part 2)

Tanya Krasivaya smiled. "You don't know how happy I am to see you."

Jaden Friday sighed. "You don't know how surprised I am to see you here, sweet cheeks" he lied, wearily taking a seat on the other side of the glass. "What seems to be the problem?"

Tanya looked away. "I… I never said there was a problem…"

"Of course" Friday nodded. "Pardon me for being perceptive, sweet cheeks. What did you drag a psychiatrist out of his comfy, homely prison cell for then?"

Tanya paused for a minute, thinking over her words. "Well…" she began, "I suppose… there is a bit of a problem…" She bit her lip. "Would you… be willing to listen?" She looked at him hopefully.

"I don't know, sweet cheeks." Friday rolled his eyes. "I'm just so busy right now, you know…"

"I think I hate my boyfriend" Tanya blurted out suddenly. She looked down away. "Chancellor… I think I hate him…" Her eyes began to water.

Friday put his hands behind his head and sighed. "I know the feeling, sweet cheeks. Really, I do." He leaned forward, so the he was inches from the glass. "Do you feel that way all the time, or…"

"Oh, no!" Tanya exclaimed, flushing slightly. "If I felt that way all the time, I'd have dumped him weeks ago! It's just… in court…" she paused again, trying to find the right words. "Every time he sings 'objection' I feel like grinding my Stiletto heels into his throat until it leaves a permanent hole." She shivered. "Not enough to kill him, you understand, just enough to make him have to breathe with an Iron Lung for the rest of his life."

Friday's eyes widened, partially out of shock and partially out of pleasure. A small smile inched across his face as he imagined Chancellor under Tanya's heel. "You know, that actually doesn't sound like a bad idea…"

"Please try to stay professional, Mr. Friday, I'm sure you'd hate to be placed on death row" Tanya snapped.

Friday whistled. "And yet you care for him immensely outside of court, that is interesting, isn't it?"

Tanya nodded sadly. "Yes… so you see, I really don't know what to do…" Tears sprung up in her eyes. "And if you could help at all… Oh, Mr. Friday, I know they'll label me insane if I go see someone else!"

"Alright, alright, easy now" Friday comforted. "Let's sit down and talk about this…"

Patient log: Tanya Krasivaya

Patient displays a sort of bipolar love/hate relationship with boyfriend, Chancellor Moore (Death! Death!). Perhaps an awakening of a latent split-personality disorder, or perhaps the patient has developed a subconscious notion that all attorneys are worthless scum (prior to dating Mr. Moore, patient went undefeated in court for eight years. Half these attorneys were instantly infatuated, while the other half were instantly jealous, or so the patient seems to think).

Most likely, further sessions will be needed to pinpoint the exact problem, but one thing seems clear. These feelings are directed solely towards Chancellor Moore (Death! Death!), and he is most likely the cause. I can only hope that Chancellor Moore (Death! Death!) does not develop a close relationship with many other people. The results could be catastrophic.

Then again, perhaps my own personal bias if affecting my judgment.

"Come back anytime now" Friday offered as Tanya left. "And don't forget. It's probably best to keep it all inside for now."

Tanya nodded gratefully and left.

Friday shook his head and returned to his cell. Sucker.

S.S. Noble. 7/10. 7:35 pm.

Chancellor turned around slowly. "Hey there! How are you…"

He was interrupted when a stuffed cow was hurled into his face. As the cow fell to the ground and his vision returned, Chancellor saw who had thrown it, and for the fourth time in several years, Chancellor feared for his life.

"It's been TWO! MONTHS!" Cassandra screamed, not caring who else was there. "It's been TWO! WHOLE! MONTHS! And you haven't dropped by, written, you haven't even CALLED! What was I supposed to think? What if you had DIED? What if you were deathly ill? What if the writers had decided to write you out of the story? HOW THE HECK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO YOU! COMPLETE! IDIOT! CHANCELLOR! MOOOOORE!" The last few words were accented with punches, and Chancellor fell to the ground, momentarily blacked out.

"I'm guessing you liked Dairy Mason then?" Chancellor asked as he regained consciousness.

"Don't you dare try to change the… wait…" Cassie gave him a confused look. "Dairy Mason? What the heck is a Dairy Mason?" Chancellor held up the stuffed animal that he had been assaulted with. "Oh… so that's what it's called, huh?"

"Well what did you call it?" Chancellor asked.

"Um…" Cassie blushed. "I named him… Chancellor… Moooooooore?"

Chancellor smiled, and picked himself up off the floor. "I really missed you, Cassie," he admitted, giving Chancellor back to her.

"Yeah" she said softly, taking the cow back into her arms. She looked at Chancellor (the person) for a minute, and then threw Chancellor (the cow) back into Chancellor's (the person) face. "But don't think that getting all mushy with me is going to get you off the hook, buddy! Where the heck have you been for the past two months? You haven't called! You haven't…"

"Um, yeah, I do this thing called work?" Chancellor defended. "Do you know how badly I'm in demand right now? Mr. Thenue is making me practically live in my office!"

"Oh, and I suppose you don't have a phone in your office? I suppose you haven't been taking 'mandatory breaks' for your precious strawberries? Don't even think I'm that gullible, buddy!"

"Oh, and what, pray tell, have you been doing to keep in touch, huh? I don't remember you sending me something on my birthday!"

"You had a birthday recently?" Cassie asked, shocked.

"No, but I very well could have! Just goes to show how well you did at staying in touch!"

"Well excuse me, but…"

"Please… please stop" Ben begged. "There are people watching…"

Cassie and Chance looked around and were startled to find that, in fact, every person on the deck of the ship had stopped whatever they were doing and were staring intently at the two of them.

"Eheh" Chancellor chuckled nervously. "Family matters. What can you do, huh?" He grabbed Cassie by the shoulders and wrapped in her a hug. "I'm so sorry I haven't kept in touch little sister, I've just been so swamped!" he said loudly.

"Oh!" Cassie said equally loud. "That's ok, big brother, I'm sure you've been meaning to get to it one of these days!" The crowd on the deck murmured among themselves, then returned to whatever they had been doing.

Chancellor turned back towards the two other attorneys, who, of course, hadn't believed a word. Alexis looked Cassie over. "You know, Chancellor," she said playfully. "I heard that the girl you were dating was a looker, a beauty, a real attractive gal, but I never thought she'd be so young, youthful, and little!" She batted her eyelids. "You're a bit of a cradle robber, don't you think?"

"NOT! MY! GIRLFRIEND!" Chancellor said loudly, at the precise time Cassie had yelled "NOT! HIS! GIRLFRIEND!" Chancellor shook his head. "I'm dating the gorgeous prosecutor Tanya Krasivaya, thank you; a hundred times prettier than this poor thing could ever hope to be!"

"Yeah! That's right… HEY! Wait a minute!" Cassie yelled, punching Chancellor again. Chancellor laughed, and warded off the punches with his hands. "Triplex, Ben, this is my former assistant, Cassandra… and… I don't know her last name."

"Former?" Ben asked. "Why don't you have an assistant now? Surely, you need someone there to help you if your own personality flaws blind you from the truth, monsieur?"

"Exactly, precisely, on the money" Alexis agreed.

"Well, I've got college to go to, plus father kind of has this innate hatred for all defense attorneys" Cassie explained. "Besides! I've got my own life to live! I can't spend it following this guy around all the time." She lowered her voice. "Quite frankly, I think I'd go insane."

Ban chuckled, then took her hand and kissed it. "A pleasure to meet you, Miss Cassandra."

"Oooh!" Cassie cooed, (somewhere in Noble's room, Morage cringed) "a friend of Chancellor's who can act like a gentleman! Now that's something!"

"Well…" Ben chuckled, placing a hand behind his head. "I haven't known him for that long, actually, so I suppose I really can't be called…"

"Well then, that explains it, doesn't it?" Cassie said matter-of-factly. And that was that. Normally, Chancellor would have slumped over, objected, or reacted in some comical way to such a simple yet offensive statement, but an old man walking onto the deck of the ship caught his attention. He stood out from the crowd even more so than Chancellor. His long, black hair fell like seaweed in front of his face, and he was clothed entirely in a black wetsuit and skintight fishnets.

"Excuse me, lassie!" the man called out in a think Scottish accent as he crossed the deck towards the group. "Do you happen to be knowing the location of Mr. Jack Noble?"

"Um… I'm sorry sir, but I don't…" Cassie began.

"Um… I'm pretty sure he's talking to me," Chancellor said, smiling slightly out of embarrassment. He turned to look at the old man. "Mr. Noble is doing something private in his room right now… urk! I mean he's meeting with someone upstairs… I mean…"

"BWAHAHA!" the old man laughed, slapping Chancellor hard on the back. "Don't be worrying about it, lassie, I understand what you're saying."

"Thank you, Mr…"

"Culligan!" he said with a flourish. "Gilligan P. Culligan at your service, lassie!"

"Um yeah, about that? I'm what you'd call a 'laddie', actually." The man's smile fell quickly, and his face set itself in an 'oh' expression. "Yeah… don't worry, it happens all the time" Chancellor explained. "And it's a pretty funny story how it happened, actually, see…"

"You're the part of me that I don't want to see! Forget it!" came a loud scream from upstairs. The door to Mr. Noble's cabin slammed open. "There's no way to talk to you when you're dead on arrival!" A person ran hurriedly down the stairs, unseen by the startled onlookers. The person's identity was revealed soon enough, however, when Mr. Noble turned the corner, laughing heartily, with a large smile on his face. "Culligan, you scurvy dog, is that you?' he chuckled. "My old friend, I apologize. Years have passed since…"

"Ahc, save it" Culligan laughed, slapping Noble hard on the back. "It's been mere months, and you know it!"

"Yes, yes" Noble nodded. "Well, one two three, take my hand and come with me! I'll show you around!" He clutched Culligan's shoulder, and motioned for the group of four (apparently, Noble had not noticed the addition of Cassie) to follow. "First of all" he said, motioning back up towards the stairway, "you'll notice we swapped out the chandelier hanging from the stairwell."

"Ahc, I had been noticing that!" Culligan remarked. "With the old one, you could be seeing all the way onto the upper deck!"

"If you tried that now, you'd go blind" came a soft mutter from behind Chancellor. Chance turned quickly, and noticed that Morage was now standing directly behind him, clutching his shoulder tightly. "A word to the wise, Moore? Pay attention for a change. Mr. Noble takes great pride in this ship; faking genuine interest will get you in good for sure." Chancellor nodded politely, than turned his attention back to Jacopo.

"You'll also notice," Noble continued, "that both the wooden floor and railing have been recently stripped and given a fresh coat of varnish." He smiled broadly, and motioned for the group to draw nearer. "However, if you asked me what I'm most proud of…" he lowered his voice to a whisper. "It would have to be… THIS!" They rounded a corner suddenly, and saw a large, submarine dangling from a large magnetic hook. "Oho!" Noble laughed. "I just live in this yellow submarine!" He said with a flourish. As his hand flung up towards the sky, a sliver ring on his fingers flew off his left hand and became stuck to the magnet. "Oh… dear…" Noble's face fell. "Kenny's not going to like that…"

"I've got an idea," Alexis offered. "Oh, Chocolate Bear!" she cried.

Zak was beside them in a heartbeat. "At your service, babe." CLUNK. The ring fell from the magnet onto Zak's head. "Happens all the time," he muttered out of habit, before walking away, disgusted.

"Oho!" Noble laughed. "Now that's what we need in a young partner, quick thinking! Eh, Grumbles?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever" Morage grumbled.

I could have thought of that! If I had had maybe twenty Moore minutes…and a chocolate covered strawberry… and if Tanya was here to help me think through it… and…

"You're thinking about strawberries again, aren't you?" Cassie scolded. "I can tell by the look of yearning on your face."

"I was thinking about Tanya, actually, if you must know" Chance shot back.

Cassie was not impressed. "And?" she asked expectantly.

"And… and strawberries, yeah" Chance admitted.

Just then, Noble clutched his heart and let out a loud gasp. Before anyone could rush forward to help him, however, he began to yell loudly and overdramatically. "Oh God, the way she moves! She's got me rolling in dirt in a white T-shirt, breaker, breaker one-nine, she's a big old flirt!" He picked himself up with a laugh, motioning forward. "For those of you who don't know, I'd like you to meet the love of my life, Kenny Noble!"

…Kenny? Really? I'd never had expected…

But before Chancellor could complete his thought, an older woman with mostly white, blonde-streaked hair appeared in front of them. She wore a long red dress, glittering with sequins all the way down. She waved at the group, but did not approach them. Noble ran towards her, falling on one knee and kissing her hand gently. "Baby, I can't breathe when you touch my body. When your heart beats, it's music to me…"

"Jackie!" Kenny said with a smile. "Really? Must you in front of so many people?"

Noble nodded furiously. "I want to sing it on the rooftop, climb on a mountaintop…"

"Alright dear, you've made your point" she smiled.

"I want to love you out loud" Noble finished quickly.

Mrs. Noble shook her head with a smile, and then curtseyed. "Kendra Noble. It's a pleasure."

"It certainly is a pleasure, a delight, an absolute joy to meet you as well, Mrs. Noble!" Alexis said quickly. "Mr. Noble's told me so much about you! Is it true that built your law firm up out of nothing in the middle of New York City? That you taught Johnny Cochran everything he knew? That the only reason you weren't appointed Attorney General is because Caesar Kingsley is an old friend of yours, and it would look scandalous?"

(Caesar Kingsley? That, my dear friends, is the name of America's president in this crazy, messed up universe. He won't be getting his own in-depth section, so I might as well tell you now: his middle name is Rex, and his favorite song is 'I just can't wait to be king', from the Lion King. He also has an 88 approval rating, so he must be doing pretty dang well.)

Kenny Noble laughed. "Well, let's see… yes I did start my own firm in NYC before moving here… yes I do happen to be an old friend of Caesar's… and no, it wasn't Johnny Cochran I taught, it was him" she clarified, pointing at an insanely tall and broad-shouldered man talking with Spade and Newton.

Alexis slapped her forehead. "Idiot! Halfwit! Baka! Moron! Of course it wasn't Cochran… it was the chief of police, Jonathan Sherlock! Forgive me, beg pardon, my apologies."

Kendra shook her head. "It's quite alright, Ms. Lexington. I've heard many things about you as well." She winked. "I worried for a while that you were taking a bit too much of my husbands time…" She laughed. "I joke, of course. Come on then, everyone! There are plenty of drinks below deck!" She walked to the door and held it open, ever the gracious hostess.

As they walked downstairs, Chancellor nudged Ben's arm. "You know, Benjamin…"

"Benvolio" Ben corrected patiently.

"Right, sorry… you know, Ben, if I were Cassie…" He glanced at the blonde, currently ranting about how the drinking age used to be eighteen and she was perfectly capable and mature enough to have wine with moderation. The bartender sank lower and lower behind the bar; any second now he would cave. Chancellor shook his head. "Don't ask me why I thought of this… but if I were Cassie, and I had the whole 'Life has to be a giant storybook' complex going on, I'd note that, counting Sherlock, we've got twelve 'main characters' on board right now."

Ben looked at Chancellor, confused. "Pray tell, monsieur. Why does that matter? Whether there are twelve 'main characters' or twenty, it does not change the fact that we are enjoying ourselves, no?"

"It's not so much that there are twelve…" Chancellor mused. "It's Moore along the lines of… 'Where's the thirteenth?'"

"The thirteenth?"

"The thirteenth" Chancellor nodded. "There's an old saying that 'when thirteen dine, the first to rise is the first to die." He shook his head. "It may sound a bit morbid, but, with thirteen players in this pageant, things have to potential to get interesting." Ben's eyes widened, and he gave Chancellor a weird look. Chancellor maintained a serious look for a minute, and when he could not contain it any longer, burst out laughing. "HAHAHA! Oh man, Ben, I'm sorry… I really shouldn't do stuff like that to you." He clapped Ben on the shoulder. "Honestly, from the way I was talking, you'd think I'd overdosed on H.P. Lovecraft!"

"There's no such thing as too much H.P. Lovecraft" came a raspy voice from behind them.

Ben turned around quickly and, after seeing the person behind them, jumped back against the wall. Chancellor stared ahead for a minute, then turned around to face the voice, hoping to God, gravy, and chocolate covered strawberries that karma wasn't real.

-

Author's note corner (if you're just here for the story, you can stop reading now):

Alright! Alright!

No one's died yet, I know. And even though you won't say it at the risk of sounding strange, I know that you want someone to die. So badly. All I can say is… I'm working on it! GAAAAAAAH!

Name Origins:

Gilligan P. Culligan. 'Gilligan' is the title character of Gilligan's island, and Culligan was a water delivery service. For those of you who haven't guessed, he's the ancient mariner from the title.

Kendra Noble: Again, no real basis for the name; I just liked it.

Jonathan Sherlock. From John Watson and Sherlock Holmes, the main characters of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous series.

Caesar Rex Kingsley: An enormous pun about having a king for president. Rex is Latin for king, Caesar is an allusion to the first emperor of Rome, and Kingsley is… well, obvious.

In-depth: Benvolio Paraclete.

And lo and behold, the heavens opened up, and down from the shimmering tapestry of cloud, wind, and star came Benvolio Paraclete. He looked upon the earth, and saw that it was good, but not perfect. Hence, he became mortal, and walked the earth in pursuit of a just society, where everyone could pursue their dreams without offending others.

It was pretty scary when it happened; let me tell you. Nevertheless, I, as the sole witness to this event, am both burdened and blessed with Benvolio's brotherhood. His wish is to bring a certain peace and sanity to the otherwise erratic madhouse that is Thenue and Noble law offices.

You said he was clothed in yellow, but what exactly…? : A very nice yellow sweatshirt with golden corduroys and mustard dress shoes.

Middle name! Middle name! Middle name! : Hastur. Nope, no explanation, just… Hastur. If you really need to know, go to Wikipedia.

Is Andorra real? : Yes Andorra is real! It's right between France and Spain. Look on any map; it's true!

Oooooh! What! Iiiiiiiiiiis his faaaaaaaaaavorite soooooooooong? : Please don't sing. Ever. And it's "Baba Yetu', from the game Civilization 4. Interesting fact: The lyrics are the 'Our Father' in Swahili!

Learn Russian! :

We're still doing this, huh? Do me a favor; sound off (review) if you actually bother reading this part, eh? I'd like to get a feel for how many people I'm… teaching. Anywho, on to the vocabulary!

ЗАПАС СЛОВ (pronounced 'zap-ahc slov'): Vocabulary. (I didn't… mean it literally…) Literally, it means 'supply of words'.

СУББОТА (pronounced 'sue-bought-a'): Saturday.

ВОСКРЕСЕНЬЕ (pronounced 'bos-kra-sen-yeh): Sunday. Literally, it means 'Resurrection.'

Я ИНТЕРЕСУЮСЬ ПИСАНИЕ (pronounced 'ya een-ter-yes-oo-use pee-sahn-ee-yeh'): I am interested in writing (if you're here, you know it's true).