Disclaimer: We interrupt this story for a News' News' special. Coming to you live from the field, it's AFFI's very own disclaimer writer, Skyler… last nameless. What's the scoop Sky?"

"Amaxi…" (static) "sn't own…" (static) "ttorney!!"

And there you have it. Amaxisn't ownttorney! Wait, what? What does that even mean? Blue haired freak of a writer…

Turnabout of the Ancient Mariner

(Investigation, part 1)

"Hey…" Ricky Writchard said awkwardly, taking a seat. "What's up doc?" He laughed. "I know you don't know me, but…"

"I know you" Friday said, emotionless. "You're the upstart detective whose evidence put me here, right?"

"Well…" Ricky laughed. "Heck, if the gumshoe fits, I guess! Haha!"

… He wants my help… yet openly admits to putting me here. I'll have to make a note of that. "I suppose you're here because of girlfacemanboy, right, upstart?" Death! Death!

Ricky nodded, smiling. "Wow, you fit the title 'evil genius' to a tee!" He puffed his chest up. "But I guess it wasn't enough to outsmart the great Ricardo Writchard, eh?"

Friday stared ahead blankly. "The problem? Upstart?"

"Eh?" Ricky asked, confused. "Ah! That's right, I came here to get your opinion on something."

"Go ahead…" Jaden sighed.

"You see, Chancellor and Tanya are going through a rough patch, and I was thinking… well, he's already come to me asking if they should get counseling…" Ricky shuddered. "I told him no, something that extreme would only make things worse. However, I'm kind of torn on whether I should tell him to bide his time completely or to address the issue in a Moore conversational, less tremendous way, you know?"

Objection! That's a leading question! Etc. Etc… "He should definitely bide his time completely" Friday nodded, faking sincerity perfectly. "Muddy waters, when left alone, will clear themselves, after all."

Ricky nodded. "That's what I thought." He stood up with a grunt. "Well, thanks, doc. Next time I see Chance, I'll be sure to tell him to have a nice, long talk with Tanya."

Friday's eye twitched slightly. "Wait, what's that, upstart? Why on earth would you…"

"Dude…" Ricky said softly. "You might be a good actor… but nothing gets by the great Ricardo Writchard." He smirked. "Besides, you hate Chancellor, don't you? Why on earth would you give his best friend decent advice?" He shrugged, and turned around, waving back without looking. "Later, gator."

Friday stroked his chin thoughtfully, watching him go.

Patient log: Ricardo Writchard

The only one of Chancellor's (Death! Death!) friends so far to exhibit intelligence. Must be wary of him in the future.

Also a bit stuck on himself. Would like to address if he ever visits again.

-S.S. Noble. 7/10. 10:45 pm.

The party was over. A murder will do that. Noble sat on the floor, hysterical, Thenue and Aegis comforting him. Spade read Culligan his rights, handcuffing him to the railing until a police car arrived. Alexis, Ben, Chancellor, and Cassie leaned against an opposite railing, trying to come to grips with what was going on.

"Unbelievable… astonishing… mind-boggling…" whispered Alexis, clinging tightly to Chancellor's right arm. "I can't believe… Mrs. Noble of all people… oh my God…"

"It is times like this when men should stand together," Ben asserted, clinging tightly to Chancellor's left arm. "We must come out of this tragedy closer than ever before, monsieur, mademoiselle."

"Fair enough…" Chance said uneasily. "But, the tragedy of this notwithstanding, you guys are a bit too close for comfort here."

"Oh come on! I need someone to cling to, hold on to, hug right now," Alexis pouted. "I can't even imagine the pain that Mr. Noble must feel…"

Cassie, dealing with the shock surprisingly well, shook her head, unbelieving. "Somebody… actually died," she whispered. "And as far as we know, Liam wasn't here!"

"That joke was in bad taste," Chance groaned, shrugging Alexis and Ben off. "Come on Cass, we're going to check out the room."

"Are you sure you will be able to handle the horror that awaits you?" Ben called after him. "Mind you, I am not saying you are weak-hearted… but if it were me, I feel I would faint on sight, monsieur."

Chancellor smiled gratefully. "Thanks Benjamin, but I'll be fine. I may have a woman's face, but I can take things like a man."

"It is Benvolio" Ben corrected patiently. "And good luck, Chance."

"Hold it!" came a deep, bellowing voice as Chance began to climb the stairs. "Just where do you think you're going?"

"The crime scene?" Chance asked, suddenly intimidated.

"Not without my say so, you don't!" said a ridiculously tall man with a large, handlebar moustache. "There's a police investigation going on, and I'll have you know…"

"Mr. Sherlock, sir?" came Spade's gravelly voice. "He's OK, you can let him up. Zak will probably appreciate the company anyway…" He bit his lip. "I'm a bit worried about him actually… first homicide and all…"

"He should learn the trade by the good old School of Hard Knocks, as I always say" Sherlock retorted. Nevertheless, he shook his thumb up the stairway, signaling that Chance and Cassie could go up. "Experience tells me, however, that anyone OK with Spade is OK by me."

"Erm… thank you sir." Chance said, nodding slightly.

Jacopo Noble's Suite. 7/10. 10:50 pm.

"What? That doesn't… aagh… I can't focus…"

Chance and Cassie entered the room quietly, eyes averted at first. When each in turn was ready, they looked, and each was unable to retain the gasp of horror that welled up from within. Kendra Noble lay on her back, the right side of her head bruised and bloody. Besides her, a poker from a nearby fireplace lay on the ground, covered in blood. In the back of the room, to the right of the fireplace, a large, stand up safe stood, clearly broken into, a saw, a crowbar, and other safe-cracking tools still on the ground.

Chance was the first to regain his voice. "Hey… Zak."

The young detective looked up hurriedly, his yellow hard hat sliding over his eyes. "Chancellor…" he said, shifting the hat back up, "what brings you here?"

"Thought I'd check up on you," he replied, leaning against a wall so as not to faint, "and see what you've found out. I heard from Spade that it's your first murder."

"Yeah…" Zak admitted, looking down at the body. "And already things aren't making sense… I'm thinking forensics isn't my calling after all…"

"What do you mean?" asked Cassie, enabling herself to speak by closing her eyes.

"Well… you see this wound here?" Zak motioned. Neither looked. "Well…" he continued. "Judging from the surface of the wound and the poker lying next to the body, you'd think this was a simple case of concussive shock and bleed out, right?"

"Oh… yeah sure…" Chance nodded. "That's just what I thought when I entered the room… concussive shock and bleed out."

"Right…" Zak said, eyes narrowing. "Well, the thing is… and I hate to say this, but… if this were a straight 'hit and run' case, as it were… there would be more blood."

"More blood?" Cassie asked, eyes still closed.

"Yeah…" Zak said, scratching his head. He shrugged, than handed Chance a file. "Well, for what it's worth, here's my report…"

Autopsy Report: Victim: Kendra Noble. Time of Death: Between 9:30 and 10:30 pm. Cause of death: blunt trauma and blood loss. Note: Amount of blood seems not to correspond with wound… merits further investigation.

"I'd like to put on there that, seeing as the killer ran out of the room at around 10:30, the time of death was most likely around 10:20…" Zak muttered. "But the report has to be completely unbiased, so there you have it."

"Ok…" Chance said uneasily, looking over the report. "Why… are you giving this to me?"

"Just a hunch…" Zak said, bending back down over the body. "But you might want to be heading back out soon… I get the feeling something heavy's about to drop, and not on my head."

"Yeah… but…" Cassie started. "What about…"

Zak smiled. "I imagine you'll get the Chance to see this stuff again quite soon." He nodded towards the door. "If you would, I need to focus here."

Chance nodded. "You got it, Cocoa Bear."

Zak twitched slightly, but decided to let it go. There were bigger things to worry about.

-Back on Deck.

"THERE YOU ARE!" Noble screamed as Chancellor walked back towards the group. "It's about time!" His face was contorted into a passionate rage that Chance had seldom seen, and his habit of quoting songs was unhappily absent. "I want the three of you to listen to me, and listen to me well." He continued, glaring at each young attorney separately. "Right now, the only thing I can think about is for that man," he pointed to Culligan. "To burn in hell for his betrayal." He glared at Culligan, who averted his eyes. "However" Noble continued, looking back at the three. "I am not the kind of man who would take a bond of trust so lightly; nor will I deny the possibility, however slim it may be, that another person could have committed this crime." He stamped his foot. "That's why, the three of you are taking his case, together." He got insanely close to their faces and screamed. "And you'll fight for him tooth and nail, making DAMN sure the truth comes out, because I want to be DAMN SURE that the man they HANG for this is the RIGHT one!" He turned his back. "Now get to work." Then he burst into tears, falling to the deck. Morage and Aegis quickly ran to him, pulling him to his feet, while Alexis, Ben, Chance, and Cassie stood there, looking at each other and blinking.

"Three of you…" Cassie muttered. "What am I, chopped liver?"

"Is that really all you can think about right now?" Ben asked. "Not saying it is unnatural to be feeling that way, but really, at a time like this, mademoiselle?"

Cassie sighed. "I suppose you're right. I'm not technically part of this firm anyway…"

"Right…" Alexis said, gathering herself. She stood up, straightened her back up, and faced the other three. "Alright! Ok! Let's do this!" She knocked on her head slightly with her fist. "The first thing we should do is get everybody's alibi straight… Chancellor, what were you doing?"

"How could I forget?" Chance shuddered slightly. "A little after 10:00…"

"It was Moore like 10:10" Cassie commented. "We should probably be as accurate as possible here."

"Fine." Chance nodded. "Around 10:10, Mr. Noble took us over to the submarine…" He shuddered again. "Do you know how fast a face can go from happiness to agony?"

"As fast as a monkey can climb a pole covered in peanut butter" Cassie nodded solemnly.

"… Sorry, what?" Ben asked after a slight pause.

"You don't understand that?" Chance asked in disbelief. "You see, a monkey can climb a pole fast enough as it is, but with peanut butter the pole becomes stickier, and makes it easier to climb!" He shook his head. "Don't they have analogies in Andorra?"

"Actually Chance… I'm kind of surprised you got that one" Cassie admitted. "I thought my dad was a freak when he taught me that."

"Thompson's not exactly normal, Cass" Chance asserted. "And whoever fathered you probably is a freak."

Cassie stomped her foot on the ground. "That is so uncalled for! You listen here…"

Alexis snapped her fingers. "Focus! Pay attention! Concentrate! We have a case to work on here!"

"Don't snap at me!" Cassie snapped. "Who died and left you in charge?"

"First, that was uncalled for, in bad taste, unnecessary" Alexis pouted. "And second, I'm in charge because I'm terrific, excellent, superb, and fantastic."

"Don't those all mean the same thing?" Cassie balked. "Oh, and bravo on being humble, by the way."

Whoa. Déjà vu. Chancellor chuckled, but at the same time he was deathly afraid. For some reason, a Cassie/Alexis fight seemed like something to steer clear of.

Luckily, there was a peacekeeper among them. "Triplex, Cassandra, please" Ben pleaded. "It is a shame to Mrs. Noble's memory to be arguing over such trivial things! Now, I'm not saying that these things aren't worth arguing about, but not now. There is much work to be done, no?"

Cassandra shot Ben a look, but his pure, sincere face softened her demeanor. "Alright then" she conceded. "What's your alibi then, Ben?"

"Ah yes…" Ben started. "You couldn't say I have one… I was sleeping in one of the guest bedrooms, as far as I remember." He thought for a minute. "I'd say I was sleeping from around 9:45 until someone woke me up and told me the news…"

"I can verify, confirm, prove that" Alexis nodded. "I remember entering one of the rooms, and I accidentally barged in on you." She knocked on her head softly. "That was around… 10:00, I suppose."

"So, wait" Chancellor asked. "What exactly is youralibi then, Miriam?"

"Triplex" she insisted. "And if you must know, I was talking with Zak for a good part of it. I'd say…" she frowned. "Come to think of it, I ran into him right after I barged in on you Ben, so I guess I was with him from 10:00 until the body was found."

"Alright then…" Ben nodded slowly. "I guess then, for the purposes of our work, we should assume that none of us committed the crime…"

"You might add me to that list" Morage commented as he walked Jack off the ship. "I was on the deck the whole time." He sighed. "Hell, last I saw of her, she was walking the upper deck. Never imagined it'd be my last glimpse ever…"

"I met a girl who sang the blues… and I… asked her for some happy news…" Jack began to sob. "But she just smiled and turned away!"

"Oh great" Grumbles grumbled. "He's slipping back into it… he must be getting worse…" With quick steps, he and Aegis led Mr. Noble off the ship.

Chance watched them go, then turned back to face the group. "Alright then!" he said, trying for enthusiasm. "First things first, we need to make a thorough search of the ship!"

Alexis held her arms up in the shape of an X. "Wrong. False. Incorrect" she said sternly.

"What I think she means, Chance" Ben explained "is that 1) investigating the scene is the police's job, and 2) interfering with the investigation any Moore than we already have is, technically, illegal." He put a hand behind his head. "Not that investigating ourselves is bad mind you, but…"

"Wait, wait, wait" Chance interrupted. "You guys are seriously going to let something as serious as this in the hands of the professionals?"

"Well…. Yes" Alexis said with an awkward smile. "That's… kind of what normal people do, Chance."

"B-but…" Chance stuttered. "Don't you guys follow the WWWSD rule of criminal law?"

Alexis and Ban gave his blank stares. Cassie sighed. "What Would William Shatner Do" she explained.

"Exactly!" Chance stated, completely serious. "And I know for a fact that William Shatner would not be content with sitting around and waiting for the police to bring evidence in court tomorrow!"

"Chancellor." Alexis smiled. "Dearest Chancellor." She leaned in close to his face, and stared him down. "We're going to go down to the detention center. We're going to talk to Mr. Culligan, and then we're going home until the trial tomorrow. COMPREHEND?"

For the fifth time in several years, Chancellor feared for his life.

-Boston Detention Center. 7/10. 11:30 pm.

"It was nice of them to let us in, considering visiting hours are over" Cassie noted.

"Are you kidding me?" Chance said incredulously. "One look from Ben vying for sympathy will melt anyone's heart, particularly seeing as the guard was a woman."

"I am sure that your face would invoke the same kind of feelings, monsieur" Ben smiled thankfully.

"HELLO?!?" Alexis nearly screamed. "What about the person who's actually a woman, huh?" She placed a finger on her lips and posed cutely. "Wouldn't I get the same kind of reaction, even from a woman?"

Ben, Cass, and Chance looked at her. "Meh" they said in unison. Alexis stamped her foot, outraged, and then went about assuring herself how terrific, excellent, superb, and fantastic she was.

"I'M BEING GUILTY! I'M BEING GUILTY!" came a Scottish voice from the other side of the glass.

… NOT what I wanted to hear, if I'm honest.

"Oh, Ms. Lexington, I'm being guilty as sin when it comes to having fallen for you!" Culligan said, clutching his heart dramatically and staring at Alexis.

Alexis beamed. "See? I really am terrific, excellent…"

"BWAHAHA!" Culligan burst into laughter. "I'm being sorry, Ms. Lexington" he said, wiping away a tear from his eye. "But I couldn't be helping myself. If that's honestly being the kind of reaction you're expecting from men, you'll being much disappointed, lassie." He smiled warmly. "Not that you're being hard on the eyes, mind yeh, but that kind of confession just isn't happening these days, lassie."

Alexis, torn between crying in a corner and shouting angrily at the other four people in the room, chose instead to sit down. Culligan sighed. "Ahc, and I suppose, seeing as I was leading you all astray back there, I should be coming out right now and telling yeh, I'm innocent."

"I find that hard to believe" Chancellor said solemnly. "After all, you don't like chocolate covered strawberries." He looked Culligan straight in the eye. "Which means that you're rotten to the core, and deserve to be tied to and scraped against the side of a twenty-story, concrete building, with your eyes taped open so you can see every single minute of James Belushi stripping to the tune 'Crazy Car'." Culligan's face screwed up in mock horror, and Chancellor laughed. "Oh c'mon! That's the second time today! You think you'd know better by now!"

"Admittedly, Chancellor" Ben said softly, the same look of horror on his face. "The incredible complexity of that insult is immensely…" Ben paused. "Oh… what's the word…"

"Chilling? Haunting? Terrifying? Unnerving? Frightening? Scary?" said you-know-who.

"I'll be going with 'G', all of the above" Culligan said, shaking his head.

Chancellor laughed. "I'm pretty sure that answer's worth $32,000." He sighed, than sat down. "But in all seriousness, Mr. Culligan, we need to get down to business." He cracked his neck. "If you haven't figured it out by now… I doubt you have, seeing as you don't like strawberries… but the three of us are representing you in court tomorrow. You understand, of course, we'll be needing your full cooperation if we're to represent you effectively."

"Of course" Culligan said with a nod.

"Good to hear it, monsieur" Ben nodded. "Now, first thing is first I suppose, could you be troubled to tell us your whereabouts tonight?"

"Alright then, laddie" Culligan said, thinking back. "I was being in the below deck bar from up just before 10:00. There are being plenty of people who can testify to that. Then, when I was coming up from the bar, I was noticing Mrs. Noble walking about on the deck. I was needing to talk to her about something, so I eventually was entering the room… at around 10:20, I'm supposing." He gulped hard. "When I was entering… she was already dead. I was being shocked, and seeing the poker lying there…"

"You. Didn't." Alexis said, head in her hands.

"I did" Culligan nodded sadly. "I picked it up. When the shock of what was happening was finally setting in, I lost it and ran. Then the young Mr. Newton was catching me, finding me actions suspicious and…" He smiled slightly. "Here I'm being now."

"So you didn't see Mrs. Noble at all until…" Alexis asked.

"Nope" Culligan said, shaking his head.

"Alright then" Chance nodded. "That's all I can think of… anything else you want to say, Mr. Culligan?"

"Well, there is being one thing" Culligan said. "And I'm not even being sure if this is important or not, but… when I was coming up from the bar… and even afterward when I was finding the body… I couldn't help but be feeling that I was hearing Beethoven's Choral Fantasy."

"Beethoven's… Choral Fantasy?" Cassie asked softly.

Culligan thought for a moment, then nodded. "Aye. Definitely the Choral Fantasy. A bit hard to be distinguishing from 'Ode to Joy', but… I'm sure of it." He scratched his chin. "It was being completely flawless, too" the Scotsman mused. "Might've been a recording…"

"Yes, well, that's important, significant, imperative" Alexis said caustically, rising from her chair. "Best of luck tomorrow, Mr. Culligan." She turned and left, and the other three took the hint and did the same.

"I will be honest with you…" Ben mused as they walked out into the parking lot. "I am not exactly confident about this case, Chance…"

"Don't worry about it" Chance smiled. "Everything will work out, you'll see."

"Beethoven's Choral Fantasy…" Cassie whispered under her breath.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Chance asked.

"No reason!" she said suddenly, jumping.

Cue psych-locks… if only I had a Magatama… and this were a video game instead of real life… and I knew a spirit medium… and… oh, whatever.

"Oh! Chancellor!" Ben gasped suddenly. "I almost forgot, I wonder if I could bother you with a question?"

"Go ahead" Chance nodded, still wondering about Cassie.

"Well… perhaps I have not been in this country long enough but… I did not know they even made green Corvettes, monsieur."

"Happens all the time" Chance replied in Newtonian fashion.

Author's note corner (if you're only here for the story, STOP! DON'T GO ON!):
This was hard for me to write. Nevertheless, I think I've got all the contradictions sorted out in my head, monsieur, mademoiselle (whatever the gender of the reader may be). We're looking for a 1-1 hit/review ratio for this one, so I hope it was good!

(Wow… 1-1 hit/review ratio. If that happened, I think I would die of happiness.)

In-depth: Gilligan P. Culligan.

No. I'm not misinformed. I know that Scottish people don't actually talk like this. But perhaps a Scottish person with only a tenuous grasp of the English language would talk like this, no? And if not, then it's just another speech idiosyncrasy. You know you love them, just like you secretly wish Liam Sirius were the main character.

There's a P there, so I'm assuming you've already got a middle name… : Right you are! It's Pelican. Yup. It's a seabird, and it makes the whole name kind of lyrical. Gilligan Pelican Culligan. Simply Amaxing, if I do say so myself.

Second mandatory question, favorite song! : 'Bonnie Taylor Shakedown' by Hellogoodbye. (OMG! FORESHADOWING!) And now you'll all listen to it to satisfy your curiosity.

Is he really only wearing a diver's suit and fishnets? : He's a fisherman! What do you expect? But that's actually his formal wear; his normal clothes would be dirty, worn out t-shirts, jackets, and jeans. So no, he's not a complete Freakazoid, like some of the other characters in this story.

What exactly goes for complete Freakazoid in your book? : Not much, I'm afraid. There's Chancellor… maybe Ne' Chrome… and… yeah, that's about it.

Name Origins!

I was remiss in mentioning him last time, so…

Stradivarius DuClaw: Stradivarius is the best kind of violin available. They're extremely old, but they're ridiculously well made, and regarded as the finest in the world. DuClaw, in addition to being the name of an outstanding restaurant, references the insanely long fingernails on his right hand.