Disclaimer: I WANT SOMEONE ELSE. TO GIVE TO ME THIS! LEGAL ACE ATTORNEY RIIIIIIGHTS! BABY! BUT BABY! I'M NOT SOMEONE ELSE! NOT CLAIMING I OWN THIIIIIIS! DON'T SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!

(This is supposed to be a reference to 'Semi-Charmed Life' by Third Eye Blind, for those of you who weren't around in the nineties. Young whippersnappers!)

And as always, Chancellor Moore is all mine!; Albeit anything Ace Attorney at all. (Aren't assonances awesome? Always!) Anyway…

Turnabout of the Ancient Mariner

(Trial, part 5)

OH C'MON! I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS!!!!

As Jaden Friday stared across the detention center at his latest 'client' he silently cursed a) the person in front of him b) his rotten luck for being sent to jail, and c) Chancellor Moore Death! Death! He also considered letting his face show the emotion he had inside, but decided against it. If I ever get out of here… I'll need that… "What can I do for you, Mr.…."?

"Spade" said the same-named detective. "Tracy Spade."

"That's right" Friday nodded. "I remember you from the trial, halfbeard." He leaned back in his chair and attempted to put his feet up, but the chair was bolted down too far away. He silently cursed a) his short stature b) the prison builders, for being so inconsiderate and c) Chancellor Moore Death! Death! He sighed, and asked resignedly: "So let me guess, you're worried about Chancellor, right?" Death! Death!

"Um… no" Spade said flatly. "What gave you that idea?"

"Oh, nothing… just a hunch." He dismissed, actually a bit disappointed. "So, you're problem is…" He motioned for Spade to talk.

Spade sighed. "There's a new detective on the force, Zak Newton, right?"

"I wouldn't know." He shrugged sarcastically. "I'm not exactly in touch with the outside world, halfbeard." Friday hated people who ended factual sentences with 'right?'

"What?" Spade said, confused.

"Nothing. Just go on."

"Ok…" Spade shifted uncomfortably. "Well, you see, he's brilliant. Really, truly brilliant, and as hard-working as anyone…"

"Sounds perfectly healthy and productive to me…"

"Well, yeah… except he works… too hard."

Friday gave him a questioning look. Spade continued. "You see, he studies constantly, works out almost, if not as much." He scratched his ear. "It's such an extreme work ethic, it's… I don't know… like he's trying to prove something…or…"

"Right. Because normal people don't feel the need to validate themselves, and are therefore inherently lazy. Is that where your concern stems from, halfbeard?"

"What? No!" Spade said, looking shocked. "You'd have to see it for yourself… it's… it's kind of scary, how intense he gets sometimes, and…"

Friday sighed. "Alright then. Try to describe, in excruciating detail… believe me, I've got the time… how scary this work ethic is…"

Patient Log: Have your pets Spade and Newton

Bad joke, I know. After a painfully long session, I have determined that Mr. Spade's (oy vey) concern stems from an apparent… what's the word… 'Lack of life' of his coworker, Zak Newton. Newton, apparently, dedicates his entire life to his job, and has no acquaintances outside of his field of work. Concern also stems from said Newton's 'covering up' of said intensity when required to socialize with anyone.

It would most likely be prudent if Mr. Newton could be brought in for a session. Then again, if things go they way I hear they're going, that might not be too hard…

-District Courthouse. 7/11. 1:25 pm.

"Zak did what? WHAAAAAAT?"

Alexis Lexicon Lexington was off put, flabbergasted, bowled over, and Moore than a bit confused. Ben, Chance, and Cassandra had caught up to her five minutes before the trial was set to reconvene, and had told her everything.

"Unorthodox style, for sure, mademoiselle" Ben complimented "but you have to admit that Chancellor's way of doing things does bring results! Not saying that your way or my way do not get equally good results, mind you, but…"

"Impossible! Inconceivable! FALSE! FAIL!" Alexis yelled. "I appreciate all the work you guys have done, but you haven't found out anything!" She puffed her chest out, sure of herself. "Zak Newton, even if he did steal a file or two from Mrs. Noble after she died, and even if he did just try to make a run for it, did not kill Kenny! It goes against all of my evidence, data, and facts!"

"Wait… what have you done for the past hour then?" Chance asked.

"I have been strengthening our case against DuClaw…"

Ben sighed, and sunk his head low. "Mademoiselle, you are a gifted attorney, and I do not doubt your skills at all, but I think you must admit that you are wrong here, no?"

"NO!" Alexis yelled. "I know I'm correct! I'm sure I'm right! I'm certain I'm accurate!"

"But… you're not" Cassie said bluntly. "Why not just admit it?"

"You're not even an attorney" Alexis shot coldly. "You're just a little girl who wishes she could be useful!"

"I'm pretty sure that's you actually," Cassie snapped back. "Granted, I haven't done much during this trial, mostly because of your own protests at my involvement, but you, as you've said quite a few times, are an actual attorney. But have you contributed anything so far? You haven't collected any evidence, you really haven't had any decent contradictions…" She shrugged her shoulders, and threw her hands up in a 'what can you do?' kind of pose. "Let's face it, you're about as helpless as the title character in Oliver! when he gets kidnapped, and as useless as anyone else in the band Muse other than Matthew Bellamy!"

"Better" Chance nodded. "That's about… a nine I think, for the references added in. Thought I'm not sure everyone would agree that Matthew Bellamy is the band Muse."

"Your assistant just verbally abused me and very well may have mentally scarred me for life, and the only thing you're concerned about is whether or not her RANT was any good?"

Chance pointed to the back of his head. "Minor concussion. You'll forgive me, but I'm finding it hard to side with you right now."

"About that…" Alexis said, slamming the dictionary into Chance's head again. When he crumpled to the ground, she did nothing but glare at Ben, as if daring him to object. At the same time, Cassie stared at him menacingly, as if expecting him to protest.

Ben smiled nervously, gauged the two women's strength carefully and, for the first time in several years, feared for his life.

-Courtroom. 7/11. 1:30 pm.

BANG!

"Court is now reconvened!" Judge Scotty yelled, gripping a McDonalds bag in one hand. "You'll forgive my eating, but traffic was murder and…"

"Monsieur Scotty? Is such a comment really appropriate at this time?" Ben asked innocently. "I would think that, to some people, it could be quite offensive…"

"I suppose…" Scotty mused waving around a French fry. "But… and you'll find this affects a lot of my decisions… I could honestly care less, y'know?" He addressed the court. "If anyone found that comment offensive, I'm fully willing to let you take it up with… the ACLU… or… PETA or… some other group that'll listen to practically anyone's complaints…"

Ben cringed. "Again… that is a bit offensive to activists, Monsieur…"

"Am I on trial here?" Scotty asked. "No. I'm not. Last I checked, it was Gilligan P. Culligan on trial, and you were about to try and press a case on prosecutor DuClaw, so can we get to that?"

"AH! Yes! Certainly! Of Course!" Alexis yelled triumphantly. "If Stradivarius DuClaw could…"

"Already here" the prosecutor rasped from the witness stand.

"Oh... good then!" Alexis said, trying not to sound as surprised as she was. "Then I suppose I'll start with the obvious…" She cleared her throat. "Ahem…"

DOUBT IN THE VAILIDITY OF YOUR STATEMENT!

"I would have objected, had the crowd not gotten so rowdy, that the defense finds it nearly impossible for any sane and sight-endowed witness to mistake a young African-American man with an old Caucasian woman!"

"The two are, really, complete opposites! What on earth could they possibly have in common that could cause one to be mistaken for the other?"

"Clothing," Tanya said offhandedly.

"Ah… wait, what?" Alexis scratched her head. "I'm pretty sure Zak wasn't wearing a red sequin dress…"

"But" Tanya said with a slight smile. "As the evidence that one Ricardo Writchard so aptly points out, he was wearing a certain leather jacket, was he not?"

"Ah…' Alexis frowned. "Ben… what is she…"

"Ah, pardon Mademoiselle, you would not know" Ben apologized. "The private detective that investigated the scene took fingerprints from Mrs. Noble's jacket, and found Mr. Newton's prints on the lining." He nodded once. "One could almost picture him now, strutting along the deck, holding the insides of it..."

"And…" Tanya continued. "Since Mrs. Noble made a special point of showing everyone at the party the jacket, anyone seeing the jacket would automatically associate it with Mrs. Noble, yes?"

"Ah…" Alexis frowned. "But wait… if we accept that… then my suspect gets cleared so… easily… or at least it means he was telling the truth…"

"What motivation would I have to lie, again?" Stradivarius asked harshly.

"Well… I thought you might have done it… plus you're a prosecutor, so… I mean…"

Scotty shook his head and opened up his Big Mac wrapper. "Ms. Lexington? Are you sure you… you know… that you've done this before?"

Alexis bit her lip. "But… I mean…"

"Mademoiselle Lexington…" ventured Ben, quite bravely. "Would not you yourself be able to verify that Mr. Newton was wearing said jacket? You said you ran into him around eight o'clock, right?"

Alexis' eyes widened. "Oh… wait… was that…" She closed her eyes. "Inconceivable, unthinkable, beyond belief… it was the same jacket wasn't it?"

A BANG! Came from the judge's desk, but it didn't come from the gavel. Scotty groaned, and picked his head off the desk. "You know, it's times like this that make me want to either call a mistrial or strip someone's badge away…" Needing comfort, he took a large bite out of his sandwich.

"No!" Alexis said frantically, waving her arms. "That was a mistake on my part, I'll admit, but if you could just…"

"Mademoiselle?" Ben called. "Perhaps it would be prudent if you allowed me to take over from here?" He stood up from his seat hesitantly. "I am not saying that you are incapable of continuing, mind you, but perhaps for Monsieur Culligan's and Monsieur Scotty's peace of mind, we could…"

Alexis shook visibly, and then grabbed her dictionary. "NO!" She yelled, swinging the dictionary with full force towards Ben's head.

Ben caught her arm, ripped the dictionary from her hands, and threw it aside. He glared directly in her eyes. "Sit. Down." It wasn't a suggestion. It was an order.

Alexis stared wide-eyed for a minute, standing shocked-silent along with the rest of the courtroom. Slowly and meekly, she made her way to a seat next to Culligan.

Ben closed his eyes for a minute, and gulped hard. "Well then…" He smiled. "Let us continue with the trial, yes Monsieur Scotty?"

"O…k…" Scotty said unsurely, after swallowing the food that had remained shock-still in his mouth during the incident. "So that's… Tanya 1, Miriam 0…" He scratched his head. "Actually it's Moore like Miriam –3, but hey, who's on trial?"

"Um… Monsieur Scotty?"

"I suppose that was offensive too, yes?" asked Scotty, fiddling with the forelock of his hair. (Not everyday you get to use the word forelock. I feel accomplished.) "Well, I hope you'll forgive me for that, Mr. Paraclete, partially because I'm really starting to get frustrated with this trial and partially becauseI actually got your name right."

"You did. And I thank you, Monsieur Scotty." Ben said with a quick bow. "At this time, the defense would like to change the direction that it has been taking this case thus far. I hope you can forgive this, but new evidence has come in, not to mention we have decided to change… how would you put it… 'Case Leaders?'"

"I am very used to giving second Chances to attorneys from Thenue and Noble, Mr. Paraclete, mostly because Moore never gets anything right the first time" Scotty laughed.

"I present that!" Chance yelled. "E… wait…"

"Exactly." Scotty nodded. "Just call your next witness, monsieur."

"Thank you." Ben cleared his throat. "At this point, the defense would like to call Morage Thenue to the stand."

"I plead the fifth," Morage grumbled.

"B-B-But…" Ben stuttered. "Your testimony… if you gave it in court…"

"My testimony is not for the public to hear. Understood?"

"But… our case…"

"NO."

"O…k…" Ben said, slumping over. "Then… I suppose the defense calls Zak Newton to the stand…"

"Could I have a minute?" Zak said, gripping his back and rubbing his head as he took the stand. "A tip for next time, Chance, you never go for the head first… the victim gets all fuzzy and, well…"

"I'm… pretty sure I only attacked your neck and back, Cocoa Bear." Chance commented. He went over the fight again in his mind. "Yup… full nelson to the neck… tire chain to the back… no head injuries."

"Then why does my head hurt?" Zak asked, shifting his hard hat back and forth. "Oh… right. Trauma from the baby grand… thing…" He laughed. "Good thinking on that one Chance, for the win and all that."

"Yeah… thanks…" Chancellor said hesitantly. Ok. Unless we're having some kind of soap opera-esque 'oh, that didn't actually happen' thing here, I'm absolutely sure I just got into a fistfight with this guy. Is he that forgiving? Or should I be really suspicious right now? Oh… I wish I could comment on the trial…

"Ahem" Ben cleared his throat. "Mr. Newton, you do realize why we have called you to the stand, yes?"

"Yeah" Zak nodded. "Why?"

"You just don't seem very worried is all, monsieur…"

"Hey, I told you. I'm afraid of pianos, not pianists." He smiled. "Besides, how can you possibly convict me? It's not like I did anything…"

"Then perhaps…" Ben led in "to save us all some time, you could tell us what you were doing at the time of the murder?"

"Well, of course!" Zak said, clearing his throat. "I was on the lower deck with my mentor, Detective Spade! Even he can testify to that!"

"And that was…"

"At around 10:20, when the murder occurred."

Pardon me!

"But, Mr. Newton, you can not assume that that was when the murder occurred… the autopsy report you yourself put out states the murder could have occurred between 9:30 and 10:30…"

"Well, yeah…" Zak said, fiddling with his hard hat, "but there's testimony on record saying that Mrs. Noble was after 10:00, by which time I had already run into Mr. Ne` Chrome over there." He smiled. "So maybe the murder occurred around 10:05 or 10:10, but what does that prove? I've still got an alibi." He laughed. "Don't think you'll catch me off guard, Benji, I cam prepared!"

"Benvolio" Ben corrected patiently. "And, Mr. Newton, I am quite surprised you just said what you did." Zak gave him a questioning look, and Ben continued. "For you see, while you were in the room, monsieur…"

"We proved that the person Monsieur Ne` Chrome thought was Mrs. Noble was, in fact, YOU!"

Zak flinched back, and a wooden beam fell from above, knocking into his hard hat. "Happens all the time," he muttered, before he shook his head and recovered. "Yeah… I suppose you're right on that one…" He laughed. "I'm kind of surprised I missed that one myself, actually!"

Scotty groaned. "It's going to be a long day, isn't it?" He slurped at his soda. "So, Mr. Paraclete, I'm assuming you claim that the murder occurred before ten o'clock?"

"Well... yes!" Ben nodded enthusiastically. "How did you…"

"Because if you weren't, you'd have no case." He shook his head. "I've seen quite a few trials, Mr. Paraclete, and rest assured, I know what I'm doing."

But I thought Scotty didn't know… thought Chance.

"Yes…" Ben said, clearing his throat again. "Very well then, allow us to proceed…"

BOЗPAЖEHИE!

"I'm afraid I'll have to stop you there" said Tanya with a grin. "For you see, even if it was Mr. Newton that Andre` Ne` Chrome saw, the murder still couldn't have occurred Moore than say… ten minutes before the time that the body was discovered!"

"Oh?" Asked Ben. "And why is that, mademoiselle?"

"Because you see, Mr. Parachute…" Tanya said confidently. "The autopsy report that you just cited says that 'the amount of blood seemed not to correspond with the wound"… there was too little!" She flicked her hair back and smiled. "If the body had sat for any length of time, that little problem would be erased, would it not?"

"The meaning of that has been bothering me…" Scotty said, his mouth full of French Fries. "Mr. Paraclete? Anything?"

"Well…" Ben said, putting his hands up innocently. "The best way for a forensics analyst to cover up his crime would be to forge his autopsy report, wouldn't it?"

BOЗPAЖEHИE!

"That statement has about as sturdy a foundation as the Leaning Tower of Pisa! There's no fact to back it up!"

Pardon me!

"But I believe there is, mademoiselle." Ben said, producing Mrs. Noble's medical records. "It says in these records that Mrs. Noble's blood clotted at an abnormally low rate!"

"There should have been Moore blood than anyone could handle, not barely enough to notice!"

BOЗPAЖEHИE!

"BUT!" Tanya yelled, slamming the wall behind her. "The forensics team at the police lab confirmed Mr. Newton's findings! They are not purely his own!"

Pardon me!

"But, I believe you may have noticed that Monsieur Spade talks very highly of Monsieur Newton?" Ben shook his head. "Is it so hard to believe that the team's judgment may have been swayed by Spade's constant praise? That they took Newton's findings on faith, seeing as the teams' examination was performed in a lab and not at the scene?"

"Well… no!" Tanya countered. "If we assume that, then the entire integrity of our police force is called into question, isn't it?"
"Well, yeah…" Scotty commented. "But I've seen plenty a case where the police have made a mistake… it's not as uncommon as you might think." He smiled. "It's nice to see you have such absolute confidence in our force, though, Ms. Krasivaya."

BOЗPAЖEHИE!

"Even if the police did make a mistake, there's one thing that doesn't add up! If Mrs. Noble was, as you say, killed prior to 10:00, and her blood flow was so extreme, the floor should have been covered in blood! Where did the extra blood go!"

Pardon me!

"But… you do have a medical expert to testify to that effect, right?"

"Huh?" Tanya said, cocking her head to the side.

"Well, I highly doubt that you yourself know the flow rate of human blood, Mademoiselle. Who is to say that the blood found at the scene was not too much, besides our highly biased forensics expert there."

"Hey!" Zak snapped. "I take great pride in my work, I'll have you know, and that report as objective as they come!"

"Which is, of course, what you would say, if you were the killer" Ben commented.

"Well yeah, but…" Zak murmured.

"ORDER UUUUUUP!" yelled Scotty, not banging his gavel because eh had a chicken wrap in his hand. "The court acknowledges that there is a possibility the murder occurred before 10:00, giving Mr. Newton the opportunity to have committed the crime." He took a bite. "What I'm Moore interested in now is why Mr. Newton would have killed Kendra Noble."

"That's what I'd like to know as well, your honor" Zak said shifting his hard hat again. "I may not have known Mrs. Noble for very long, but as far as I know, she was a loving wife and skilled attorney. I'm pretty sure I've got not motive in this case."

Pardon me!

"But… wasn't Mrs. Noble blackmailing you?"

"What?" Zak said, flinching back and causing another wooden beam to fall on his head. "Happens all the time! What makes you think that?"

"Well these files marked 'Zak' and 'Sara Newton', mostly." Ben set the files on Scotty's bench. "Let it be known to the court that it was at the mention of one Sara Newton that the witness became violent and attempted to escape the courthouse."

"Erm…" Zak said, playing with his hard hat again. "Well… yeah, ok, she was blackmailing me…" He cleared his throat. "The only thing is, I only really found out yesterday as to what I was being blackmailed about…"

"Excellent" Ben nodded. "That is exactly what I was about to try and prove. This letter you wrote to Mrs. Noble says as much."

"So… ok then!" Zak smiled. "We're in agreement so… you're saying I'm innocent?"

"No" Ben explained calmly. "I am saying that you discovered Mrs. Noble was your blackmailer only yesterday, began arguing in her room, and grabbed the fireplace poker out of rage, killing her." He put up his hands. "Though that may seem a bit much to assume, you did just say you only found out yesterday, and your fingerprints are on the fireplace poker…"

BOЗPAЖEHИE!

"As are your client's!" Tanya countered back. "The very same could be said about Mr. Culligan as well!"

Pardon me!

"But, if you look at the report, Culligan's left hand fingerprints are on the weapon." Ben explained.

"And?" Tanya asked expectantly.

"And the blow on Mrs. Noble's skull is on her right." Ben finished. "Now, you have read To Kill A Mockingbird, yes mademoiselle? Is it not the same scenario? Would it not be exceedingly difficult to lethally strike the right side of someone's head with the left hand? It requires a swing that is both slow and unnatural!"

"The defense holds that, because of this fact, Mr. Culligan can be cleared of suspicion, while Mr. Newton can not!"

The court was silent. In awe, even. Such a masterful defense, constructed with such care and fluidity. The only thing that remained to be seen was the final piece of evidence that would send Newton to jail.

"Um… hi." Newton said from stand.

"Yes, Monsieur murderer?" Ben asked confidently.

"Well… two things, actually." Zak said, almost awkwardly. "One: that was brilliant. Heck, I almost thought I was guilty for a minute, I really did. But, second… I was asked to bring this from the lab on my way here… kind of forgot what with everything going on…" He pulled a piece of paper from his jacket. "The boys at the lab… they finished the analysis of the fire poker…"

"What?" Ben asked, confused.

"You know… the earlier report only gave a specific fingerprinted hand for the main suspect." He smiled. "I guess they thought it would be helpful if they did the same for everyone…"

Detailed fingerprint report (crow bar):

Gilligan Culligan: Left hand.

Kendra Noble: Right hand.

Jacopo Noble: Right hand.

Zak Newton: Left hand.

Athena Aegis: Right hand.

Morage Thenue: Right hand.

Ben stood still for a minute, thinking. He walked over to Ms. Aegis, picked up her dictionary, and threw it at Newton.

He caught it, with his right hand.

"So you are right handed as well…" Ben murmured. "But then… that means…" His eyes lit up. "No… no, that is just…"

"Figured it out, didn't you?" Chance said. He looked Ben in the eye. "Can you do it?"

Ben was silent for a minute. "I… I do no think so, no…" He shook his head. "No… I could not possibly…"

"Understandable" Chance said, standing up and patting Ben on the back. "But please? I've got twice as much to lose if I do it…"

"I know… I am sorry…" Ben sniffed, a tear forming in his eye. "But I simply could not… after everything that has happened…"

"Yeah. I know."

"COULD ONE OF YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?" Scotty and Tanya yelled simultaneously.

"With displeasure" Chance sighed, taking the stand as Ben sat down, looking defeated.

Tanya's eyes widened. She shook her head minutely, mouthing "No! Don't! Please!"

"I'm sorry." Chance said. "I just… can't let it go, you know? I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

Tanya gulped hard, and tightened her fists. "Very well then" she said, eyes closed. "If you must, Mr. Moore."

"Alright then" Chance said, taking a breath to prepare himself. "At this time, the defense would like to enact the 'three strikes and you're out' rule."

"Pardon me, Chance?" Scotty asked.

"Well we've already accused the wrong person twice, but since we're not out until the third strike, the trial can still continue, right?"

Scotty's mouth opened, then closed. "Only because there's three of you, I'm willing to accept that." He straightened up. "So you've decided that Mr. Newton isn't the killer?"

"For the same reason that Mr. Culligan isn't the killer, yeah" Chance nodded. "Both of them only knew who they were being blackmailed by the day of the murder, yes, but each of them have their left handprints on the crowbar. Also" Chance added. "I'd like to draw the attention of the court to the fact that while the safe and the crowbar bear both Mr. Culligan's and Mr. Newton's prints, there are absolutely no prints on the safe-cracking tools they would have presumably used to open the safe and obtain their respective files!

BOЗPAЖEHИE!

"So what are you saying, Moore?" Tanya objected. "That neither of them broke into the safe? I think that the picture of the safe having a bar sawn threw and a giant hole in the center is Moore than enough evidence to prove otherwise!"

"I'm not saying that they didn't go into the safe" Chancellor explained calmly. "I'm saying that the safe was already broken into upon each of them finding Mrs. Noble's body."

A question mark appeared over the head of practically everyone in the courtroom.

"Don't tell me…" DuClaw said from the gallery. "One of them was actually smart enough to deduce the truth? And it was the freak?"

"I told you." Cassie bragged. "I told you he could do it." She smiled. "I just hope he explains it soon, because the suspense is killing me!"

"You see" Chance explained. "After quite a bit of processing, plus a bit of trial and error." He chuckled at the pun, and everyone else groaned. "The defense has deduced the true identity of the murderer!"

He was silent for a moment, unsure whether or not he wanted to proceed or not. Then, with a bit of dramatic flair (of course) he whipped his hand around and pointed to the gallery. "The defense names one Jacopo Noble as the true murder of his wife!"

"The hell?" Tanya screamed, as the entire courtroom went into disarray. Mr. Noble picked up his head to show a face still streaked with tears, and Morage, sitting right next to him, screamed at the top of his lungs: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!"

Chancellor cringed. I am so getting fired for this.