Disclaimer: I know you know I'm not a Nintendo Guy. I know you know that this story is still mine. Lawsuits are evil. Don't do it friend. Your worst intentions gonna haunt you until the end. (I know, you know. I know, you know).

Parody of a TV show theme song. Bonus points to whoever phones in with the name!

Chancellor Moore, Ace Attorney

Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Turnabout

Tanya Krasivaya was getting married.

Surprised? So was everyone else. Even the groom.

"Um…" Benvolio Paraclete explained as he sat awkwardly in Chancellor's office, "I am not entirely sure what to say, monsieur…" He flashed an almost apologetic smile. "It just… sort of happened. One minute I was inexplicably going out with her and the next…"

"You just woke up one morning to find yourself engaged?" Chance finished, somewhat amused. "Eeben, you do realize that I'm probably the only person on this planet who'll believe that, right?"

"Benvolio" the Andorran corrected patiently. "And I know it sounds far-fetched Chancellor, but…" he paused, and Chance raised his eyebrows. "Oh… Oh! You do understand… well, that makes my job a little easier then."

"It's what I live for" Chance said, leaning back in his new, plush, junior partner chair. "And while I appreciate the gesture, Ben, it was a bit unnecessary to come and apologize for marrying my ex-girlfriend… even if it has only been a month and a half... you need to try this chair, by the way… it's like a wave of… plush, expensive cushiness..."

"I never pictured you, of all people rushing into something like that" Cassie commented from her desk, ignoring Chancellor. The promotion to junior partner had afforded Chance the luxury of having a secretary, and why go to college when you have a well-paying job already lined up for you? "I mean, seriously" she continued, "you've always struck me as the timid, unadventurous, 'let's date each other for five years to see if it'll work out' kind of guy, you know?" She shook her head. "Says worlds about first impressions, doesn't it? How unreliable they can be? I mean, I never would have thought however-many-months-it's-been-now ago that the girl-faced lawyer I met in a detention center would turn into the best big brother character I'd ever had, you know?"

"One, I'm not a 'character'" Chance said, holding up a finger, "and two, I'm still not entirely comfortable with you considering me a part of your family." He shuddered. "I mean, c'mon… if you consider me your brother that means I'd have to consider DuClaw my father..." he shuddered again. "Not. Desirable." He turned his attention back to Ben. "But like I was saying, I appreciate the gesture… but I'm fine. Really. Don't worry about it. Now…" He stood up, and gestured towards his chair. "Please, have a seat. Your spine has never been so aligned in your life."

"That is not exactly why I am here, Chancellor" Ben said sheepishly. "And… I will pass, but thank you." He looked away, building up his courage." The thing is … I have not been in this country very long, and I do not know many people…" He was silent for a moment. "I was wondering… maybe… you could be my… erm…" He cleared his throat, and then mumbled something under his breath.

"Best man!" Cassie nearly screeched. (She had extraordinarily good hearing.) "Of course he will! Won't you, Chance?"

"Not entirely sure if I'm qualified, but… sure!" Chance laughed. "I'd be happy to, Ben. Heck…" he leaned forward. "I'm even prepared to organize the greatest bachelor party you've ever had in your life. You just handle the guest list, ok?"

"Erm…" Ben scratched the back of his neck. "I appreciate the offer, but… I am not exactly the bachelor party type, Chancellor…"

"A pre-wedding reception then" Chance offered, without skipping a beat.

"Changing the name does not change the nature of what it is, Chancellor…"

"It does actually" Chance countered. "With this kind of party, you can have both men and women… so the old lady and her friends will be there too, to make sure you don't get too wild…" he paused. "Though, quite honestly, I'm not sure they have much to worry about; are you going to sit in this chair or not?"

"Sounds delightful" Ben smiled. "The party, not the chair. Thank you superfluously, Chance. You are a good friend." He stood up from his chair. "I will be in touch" he said, leaving the room gracefully.

"Yeah…" Chance said softly, allowing himself a moment of regret. Quite literally a moment. "Cassie!" He said, springing back to life and sinking low into his chair. "About how many gallons of water fill an above ground swimming pool?"

"About… 1,800, I think, depending on the size of the pool."

"Call around and see if you can get a good price on that much Jell-O, will you?"

"Jell-O? Like… gelatin-type Jell-O?"

"Preferably blue, if you could."

- Prosecutor's office. 9/03. 3:00 pm.

"Chancellor?" Tanya balked, her eyes widening in disbelief. "You're leaving something as important as a pre-wedding reception to Chancellor of all people?"

"Well…" Ben said nervously. "He is my best man…"

"And I've got nothing against that, Ben, rest assured." Tanya consoled. "I mean, I'll be honest, even after what he did a month and a half ago I can't help but like the guy… but we both know he'll either forget it completely or turn it into a gigantic farce. It's in his nature; he's invariably drawn towards doing it like Pooh is invariably drawn to cleaning out Rabbit's honey supply." She frowned. "I always did think he was a bit greedy and gluttonous, that willy-nilly silly old bear…"

"I always had a secret hatred of Christopher Robin…" Ben commented. "But, anyway, I really do not think we should worry about it." He put on his best smile. "I think that, with Chancellor at the helm, things will turn out to be quite entertaining, do you not?"

Tanya smiled slightly and nodded. "Well… it'll be interesting at the very least."

"Good! Good." Ben sighed. "Well, I have to go… big case in an hour. Bye!" He hurried away.

"Ben! Ben, wait…" She frowned. "He never kisses me goodbye, he always seem inexplicably nervous around me… why am I marrying this guy again?"

"Because he's absolutely perfect in nearly every respect possible, right?" Tracy Spade commented from his desk. "Besides, remember how he proposed to you?"

Tanya smiled and sat down. "How could I forget?" She said, blushing. "I never would have guessed Ben, of all people, would be able to set up a candlelit dinner date on top of a water tower, and hire the entire Boston Symphony Orchestra to play… the Torgo theme, from Manos: The Hands of Fate."

"I never quite understood why that did the trick, Ms. Krasivaya" Spade said, furrowing his brow in confusion.

"It's the only good thing about the worst movie ever made," Tanya explained, "which symbolically represents that even when times are absolutely terrible, there's still a silver lining to every dark cloud." She smiled. "And it mirrors perfectly the 'for better or for worst, through sickness an in health' part of the nuptial vows, doesn't it?"

Spade blinked twice, trying to comprehend what had just been said. "Do you honestly think he thought it through that much, Ms. Krasivaya?"

She smiled. "Tanya." She insisted. "And, in your own words, Tracy, he is perfect in nearly every respect possible, so I'm sure he did think it through… he was so romantic and… almost aggressive that night." She frowned. "I've only ever seen him like that twice… I kind of wish he could be that way all the time, you know?"

"Well… twice in a month and a half isn't that bad" Spade mused. "What does that make… twelve times a year? Maybe fourteen? That's plenty, wouldn't you say?"

Tanya raised her eyebrows. "Would you happy if you were only able to book one criminal a month?"

"Well, to be quite honest, that's been the department's record since our friend Moore showed up…"

"Oh hush, you're better than that" Tanya scolded, leaning back in her chair. She sighed, looking wistfully up into the ceiling. "I just hope…" she stopped.

"Hope what?"

"It's silly…"

"I've known you for seven years, Ms. Krasivaya; it's about time you started being silly."

"Tanya," she smiled. "And I suppose you're right…" She paused. "I just hope… that there'll be a pool full of gelatin at the reception."

Spade ruffled his brow, stroked his half-five o'clock shadow bemusedly, and surreptitiously went back to doing his paperwork. Tanya sighed, and emulated him. As much as I hate sounding like a spoiled teenager… no one understands me. She frowned, stood up suddenly, and went to get her coat. "I'm going out, Tracy. If anyone asks, tell them it's wedding business, and they wouldn't want to be on the next episode of Bridezilla 2000, ok?"

"Crystal clear, Ms. Tanya." Spade saluted.

Tanya sighed. It's a start.

-Thenue and Aegis. 9/03. 3:36 pm.

"... You're planning a pre-wedding reception? You?" Morage Thenue furrowed his brow, and shook his head in migraine. "The absurdity of the concept is the only thing preventing me from yelling at you for doing this during work."

"Thanks, dear old boss o' mine!" Chancellor cooed. "And even so, it is my lunch break. I can do whatever I want!" He sighed, leaned back in his cushy chair, gulped down a chocolate covered strawberry, and washed it down with a gulpful of tamarind soda.

"What do you mean you can't serve Timpano for less than 150 people?" Cassie yelled into the phone, catapulting Chancellor out of the chair and spraying tamarind everywhere. "Why not? Cleaning expenses? Labor charges? What? Company policy? What kind of excuse is that? I can guarantee it will all be gone, don't you worry about that. And besides, this is the Paraclete-Krasivaya wedding we're talking about! Are you honestly going to pass a job like that up? Yes, and Chancellor Moore will be there too…" She paused, listening to the man on the other end speak. "Autographs for the catering staff? No problem, just be sure to bring that Timpano. Yes? Yes. Yes. Love to the manager. Bye." She clicked the phone down. "You know, Chance, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you've achieved celebrity status already."

"Well…" Chance smiled. "The media is always in need of a man who looks like a woman, and they're probably tired of following Michael Jackson around, right?"

"Don't even compare yourself to that guy." Cassie warned. "You're much prettier than he could ever hope to be, understood?"

"Um… thank you?" Chance expressed awkwardly.

"Quite frankly, I've never been so disturbed in all my life." Morage grumbled.

A chuckle came from the hallway. "You know… I had a feeling that this was exactly the kind of thing I was going to hear." Tanya walked in, delicately taking a seat in front of Chance's desk. "You don't disappoint, Chancellor."

"You expected any less?" Chance said, leaning back and spreading his hands out. "I'm not in the habit of disappointing anybody, dear."

"Still conceited, I see." She smiled.

"I'm not conceited!" Chance yelled in mock offense. "I'm just perfect. And I'm better than everyone else." He shrugged. "What can you do, right? It's my curse." He leaned forward, supporting his chin on his hands. "So how have you been? It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"A month and a half… give or take a day or two" Tanya nodded, "and what a month and a half it's been, right?"

"Yeah, I never expected the next time I'd talk to you you'd be engaged, you know?" He raised his eyebrows teasingly.

Tanya frowned. "Chance, you mustn't think…"

"I don't think anything of it, don't worry." Chance waved off. "You know me, fortitude is my middle name."

Tanya cocked her head, confused. "I thought it was Oslo?"

Chance sighed, letting his head slump down. "I think it's time for another session of Idioms for Idiots, Tanya dearest."

"Ooh! Goody!" Tanya clapped. "I used to love these!"

"Chance!" Cassie called from her desk. "The guy at the gelatin place says he'll give you half off if you baby-sit his daughter."

Chance nearly fell over in surprise. "What kind of request is that? Does he do that for everyone buying swimming-pool sized vats of Jell-O?"

"Well, apparently, she's a big fan of yours… he says it'd be the best birthday present he could give her."

"Wha…" Chance's mouth hung open for a minute. "I have fans now?"

"Apparently!"

"I'm a lawyer!" Chance gaped. "Now, I could see if it was someone from the Karaoke Bar, but…" He shook his head. "Tell him I'll call back."

"He'll call you back" Cassie, said, hanging up the phone. She rose from her desk, and slumped dramatically in a chair next to Tanya. "I never thought being a secretary would be so much work…"

"I honestly never pictured you being a secretary, Cassie." Tanya said, hugging the blonde enthusiastically. "You seem much too feministic to take such a stereotypically female working role."

"It's nice to see you again too, Tanya" Cassie said, returning the embrace. "And let's be honest here, is there any person on this earth not in this room that could handle being this guy's secretary?"

"That serious kid..." Morage offered. "Only we're short-staffed as it is here."

"Though considering the firm handles mostly criminal cases, having someone around who causes people to die would be pretty good for business, wouldn't it?" Tanya mused. Her eyes widened for a moment, and she gave Chance a serious look. "Don't even think of inviting him to the reception, understood?"

"You're not superstitious now, are you, Tanya?" Chance smiled. He put his legs up on his desk, and closed his eyes, seemingly content. "Besides, don't talk to me about it; your future hubby is in charge of the guest list anyway." He frowned at the word 'hubby' and opened one eye. "But, speaking of seriousness, are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Pardon?" Tanya queried, after a pause.

"I think what Moore is implying" Morage rephrased. "Is that the entire thing seems a bit rushed." He shrugged. "I'm actually just as suspicious of the whole thing myself, I'll have you know... most weddings take at least three months to plan, if not a year."

Tanya opened and closed her mouth. "Wh... who are you?"

Morage was silent for a minute. "I'm... Thenue? Like... in the name of the firm?"

Tanya cokced her head to the side. "Have I met you in court before?"

"A few dozen times..." Morage grumbled.

"Huh..."

"ANYWAY!" Chance butted in quickly, sensing Morage's unsensable embarassment. "You still didn't answer our question... doesn't this feel a bit rushed?"

Tanya thought for a minute. "I think so… I mean, I wouldn't have said 'yes' if I didn't feel it was right, would I?" She played with her hair absentmindedly. "Besides... my senior history teacher met and married her husband within a few hours… they just celebrated their 42nd anniversary."

"Yes, but Romeo and Juliet also got married within a day of meeting, if I recall correctly" Chance mused.

"You always know just how to shake a girl's confidence, don't you?" Tanya asked; a little hurt.

"Again, it's my curse." Chance smiled. "But Tanya, in my honest opinion…" He hesitated slightly, but not enough for anyone to notice. "You two will be great together. And, if it means anything at all, you have my blessing."

Tanya gave a short gasp of delight, and then compulsively leapt on Chancellor, hugging him to the point of near asphyxiation. "Chancellor!" She squealed. "For the life of me, I'll never figure out how, but you always come up with… with…"

"Exactly what you need to hear… I know" Chance said, sounding almost defeated. He wrenched himself free, and looked into her eyes. "Go on now; I'd imagine you've got Moore important things to do."

Tanya smiled again, and left, nearly skipping down the halls.

"I wasn't aware Russians could skip" Morage Thenue grumbled, peering down the hallway.

"Oh come now, they are a joyous people occasionally aren't they?" Cassie asked. "I mean, ok, we've never seen a picture of Putin smiling, but he doesn't stand for all of them, you know?"

"He bloody well tries to" Morage grumbled again. "Either way, Moore…" he stopped. "Do you by any Chance know what I was going to yell at you for?"

"Well, I'd guess using work time to plan a wedding reception, but you've already said you weren't going to yell at me for that…" Chance mused. "Quite honestly, I don't think I've done anything a model employee wouldn't do, Mr. Thenue."

"That was it then" Morage nodded.

Chance cocked his head. "Pardon?"

"Your work ethic" Morage stated. "You have one now. It's not like you." He frowned (though not noticeably, seeing as his face had that general shape most of the time anyway). "You're doing twice as much work as you normally do, you know?"

"Maybe I'm just getting into the swing of my job?" Chance offered.

"Or maybe it's because he's a celebrity now!" Cassie proclaimed.

"Moore, no, because you're not doing any better work then you usually do, and Cassandra, no, because I've never heard of a celebrity who wasn't even featured in the local paper." He shook his head. "I know exactly why, Moore, and I'd advise you to stop it."

"Meh?" Chance mehed. "I'm not sure what you mean, dear old boss o' mine" he cooed.

"You're burying whatever sorrow or… whatever you're capable of feeling… with your work, and trust me… I know from experience, it's not healthy." He sighed. "Take a day off. Go look up an old girlfriend or something. I'm getting sick of seeing you hanging around the office until seven in the evening."

"I do live in the building, Mr. Thenue" Chance defended. "What would it matter if I did my work here or in my apartment?"

"I wouldn't have to see you if you did your work in your apartment" Thenue said matter-of-factly. "Don't make me talk to you again." He left.

The two remaining were silent for a moment. "You know…" Cassie began, "if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was genuinely trying to help you."

"Yeah…" Chance agreed. "If I didn't know any better." He sighed, and then slumped down in his cushy chair, head nearly touching the seat.

"Chance…" Cassie said, crossing over to the attorney. "Chance it's not the end of the world when Morage Thenue starts being nice…"

"You know it's not that" Chance reprimanded.

"Yeah, I know…" Cassie said, putting a hand on Chance's shoulder. "But he is right. If you keep dwelling on the fact that she could have been yours, you'll never get on with your life."

"I know… and I'll get there." Chance pouted. "I just… I kind of wish something would happen that would make me get over it faster, you know?"

The phone rang, and Cassie sighed, drug her feet over to her desk, and answered it. "Thenue and Aegis law firms, Chancellor Moore's office. Yes. Yes, I'll see. Chancellor?" She asked, holding the phone to her shoulder. "There's some reporter from the Picayune on the phone, says she wants an interview."

"I've decided, as of five seconds ago, that I don't do interviews" Chance grumbled. "Tell her to talk to my agent."

"You don't have an agent, Chance."

"My PA guy then."

"That'd be an agent, Chance."

"My manager?"

"Yeah. Same boat."

"Well you talk to her then."

"That's what I'm doing right now!"

"Well then…" Chance waved his hand repeatedly in the air, frustrated. "Good work, I suppose, Cassandra, you deserve a raise."

Cassie shook her head in pity, and returned to the reporter. "He says he doesn't do interviews, Ms. MacDonald."

Chance stood up from his desk, as if from shock. "Cassie… what did you just say?"

"That you don't do interviews! That's what you wanted me to say, right?"

"No, no, after that!"

"Um…" Cassie racked her brain. "Ms… MacDonald?"

"Ask her for her first name."

Cassis gave Chance a strange look. "O…K…" The question was asked, the answer given. "It's Melissa… why?"

Chance's mouth formed a half-smile. "You know what, Cassie? I've changed my mind on that interview policy."

So begins the newest addition to the Chancellor Moore saga! Worship if you must.

Bonus Features! Yes!

I haven't done these in a while, so let's get started with some Name Origins!

Zak Newton: I think I've already said that the name comes from 'Isaac Newton', who supposedly discovered gravity by having an apple fall on his head. However, it was also chosen because 'Spade and Newton' sounds like 'spayed and neutered', and can be used to make a Bob Barker joke. Not only that, but Zak's mother's name, Sara, is a reference to the song 'Zak and Sara' by Ben Folds. Pretty suite thinking, huh?