A/N I own nothing especially the songs "Hello" by Evanesance, "Wind Cries Mary" by Jimi Hendrix, and "Yesterday" by The Beattles

Hotch woke slowly, sadly. It had been like this every day. There was no reason to greet the new day. Every day she was gone. And the world had lost its color. He lay in the bed not wanting to face the day. It was hard to face the day now. Without her the world seemed stronger and he seemed weaker.

But today was going to be especially hard. He just wanted a few moments, moments before it all became real. He didn't have to look up to see the black suit that hung from his closet door. It had silently mocked him throughout his sleepless night. He knew he was going to burn it tomorrow. A cathartic moment that he would maybe enjoy. A moment where he might get a brief glimpse of color.

He stood unsteadily. He moved slowly into the bathroom. It seemed like the world was moving in fast forward, but the rational part of his brain knew he was moving in slow motion. He got ready. He knew the team was here. They were going to help with Jack. There weren't going to let him do this alone again.

Jack. What had he done to deserve this. He had buried one mother and now he was burying Emily a woman he was rapidly becoming like a second mother. Would he ever know happiness again?

He put the black suit on. A mask slid over his features. This mask hid the pain. It hid it behind a costume, he was a mourner, the suit said that. The suit was a costume, he was playing a part. But he didn't have to feel. He was someone else and the pain wasn't real.

He walked across the immaculately groomed grass. Tombstones and grave markers breaking up what he imagined to be beautiful green grass. He could see the flowers, but they meant nothing to him. He was merely an actor playing a part. None of this was real.

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello/

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

The wodden coffin stood in front of them all. It was empty. They hadn't found a body. Only blood.

Slowly the mourners stood and put the white roses. As they walked past Hotch they touched him conveying their sympathies. He stood silent. There was nothing to say. Finally it was just him and Jack. He bent down and picked Jack up. In Jack's hand was a white rose, he placed it on the coffin. He turned his head into his dad's chest.

Hotch held his son close. There were no words to comfort him. There were no words to comfort either of them. So Hotch did the only thing he could. He held his son close.

/

Later Hotch looks at the room full of mourners. He can't do this again. He can't hear people say they are sorry, cna' hear the platitudes and cliches. The room starts to get smaller. He pulls on his tie. He needs to get out of there. he catches JJ's eye and walks out.

"Hotch what's wrong?"

"I need to get out of here JJ. Watch Jack. Make sure he's ok."

"Hotch. HOTCH." She watches him leave. She's powerless to stop him.

/

Hours later the team is all that's left. Everyone else has gone home.

JJ is holding the sleeping form of Jack Hotchner. "Should we go look for him? He's been gone for hours. What if he's in trouble?"

"He's not in trouble."

"How do you know Dave?"

"I've known him a long time. Trust me. He's not in trouble."

"Rossi where is he? Look man we are all worried about him. After everything that's happened. ..." Morgan's voice trailed off.

"I know we are all worried about him. But believe me, he is ok. And he would not like for you to see where he is."

"What is drunk or something? Come on man, that's to be expected. Does he think we would judge him for that?"

"He's not drunk, although he's probably had a few. He won't come home tonight. But I promise he is ok. ... He needs this. It would be a mistake to go looking for him."

None of them looked like they believed Rossi, but they knew argueing would solve nothing. They could only hope he was right.

/

They were where he expected them to be. It was like they never left, maybe they hadn't. He didn't say anything. He just walked to the piano and sat down. He looked over at the bartender, and lifted two fingers. The bartender came out from behind the bar with a bottle and and rocks glass. He poured some into the glass, then set the bottle down on the piano.

Hotch looked over at the men and nodded. They picked up their instruments and waited for a tune.

Hotch starts to play. He closes his eyes. He loses himself in the music.

"A broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterday's life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
And the wind, it cries Mary

The traffic lights they turn up blue tomorrow

And shine their emptiness down on my bed
The tiny island sags downstream
'Cause the life that lived is, is dead
And the wind screams Mary"

As the song come to an end, he switches to another.

"Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly."

He plays through the night. He doesn't stop he can't stop. If he stops it becomes real, he's no longer playing a part. And for now he needs to play a part.

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