Umm…so…I'm really sorry it took me so long to update. I never intended for it to, especially since this is my favorite of the stories that I've started. Like I said before, I never thought James was done justice in the books…he seriously couldn't have been that bad if Lily ended up falling for him. Of course, there will be points here in my story where we see him before he grows up into the man that Lily loved. He'll grow up eventually though, don't you worry! This chapter will show him in a slightly more serious mood, but just as a warning though the chapters will jump and back with different memories showing different levels of James; some more mature, some decidedly less and so on. Hope you enjoy!
James winced as a particularly strongly worded flux of words flowed down from the upstairs oven…er, room. A slightly guilty grin quickly followed though; James knew labor pains were no laughing matter but Lily was just so damn funny. And he was quite used to being on the receiving end of her curses and screams…for more than one reason. In fact, Sirius chose that moment to voice the same thought.
"If you were any other bloke I'd reckon you were crazy to not be cowering in the corner in fear of that crazy ginger you call wife, but since you're James I'm already know you're crazy," Sirius drawled sleepily. He cranked open one eye and glanced around at the stairs from where the evil screams traveled. About an hour ago Sirius had decided to never get a girl pregnant. Sure, sex was splendid and he'd had his fair share of it- but regardless, he was never going to forget to use the contraception charm. No children meant no witch screaming that he was never going to have sex again once she charmed off his manhood or shriveled it up with frog liver juice or…ohhh Lily was too creative for Sirius' comfort. Yep, if he was James Potter he'd have started crying by now probably. But thankfully he was Sirius Black…the better looking, single, highly eligible bachelor…he really needed to stop getting so carried away. His girlfriend, Arienne, wouldn't appreciate the humor in this instance. Good thing she couldn't read his thoughts.
"She's not a crazy ginger…she's my splendidly, silly, fiery and slightly crazy ginger. And just because I might never get to have sex again without groveling does not make her any less wonderful…ahhh fuck I sound like a foolish pansy who belongs in Madam Puddifoots. Bloody hell I need a drink, a bloody strong one and a book and…ow." James slumped back in his chair as Sirius hit him with a spell to knock him out for a few minutes. James could get some much needed rest and Sirius could have peace and quiet-as much as the tiger Lily upstairs would allow- and have two very strong drinks ready as soon as James came back to the world of the living.
Sirius often wondered about those two. James and Lily Potter; everyone could see it coming- James had been so bloody taken with her growing up- everyone except her at least. Or maybe she had seen it and had always just refused to admit an attraction to the bloke; maybe that was why she'd clung to the old friendship with Snape for so long. For such a smart witch she really was bloody oblivious; not only could Lily not see how genuinely James cared for her (though admittedly he made it bloody difficult to see through all the pranking; only on account of knowing James so well could Sirius see it was the real deal) but she also didn't see Snape's obsession, darker and darker it became.
The slimy git had hated Sirius and James; they gave him plenty of reasons to do so, but there were still instances where it was completely unwarranted. Sirius knew he'd never be one of Snape's favorite people, given the prank he pulled that almost cost Snape his life, but James had been the one to save him! And it only served to make Snape hate James even more. In what universe was that justified?
Regardless, Snape had been the one to introduce Lily to the wonders of the magical world, the first to admire her for it. Only in superb bouts of drunkenness had James ever admitted to Sirius how jealous he was of Snape for having that connection with Lily, and even more amazingly, how glad he was that someone took Lily under their wing. Then just when Sirius would feel like dying from shock (or killing James out of shock) James would laugh and share his further relief that Snape had refrained from infecting Lily with his slime, noting that it would've been difficult to get out of his robes after all the times James and Lily had snogged.
"I wonder if she ever wishes she could have made the difference with Snape. He brought her into this world." It shouldn't have surprised Sirius that not only was James slowly regaining consciousness, but that their minds would be on almost the exact same wavelength; their connection was uncanny at this point. Sirius chose to scoff and roll his eyes as he shoved a strong mixed drink into James hand, who grunted at the contact and rose his free hand to rub his head, squinting up at Sirius with a slight scowl.
"Don't be daft, Snape may have been the first to show Little Lily this world, but he sure as hell did not go as far in accepting her into it. He made his choice to not let Lily be the difference for him. Snape chose to be a Death Eater, to be scum. He could've risen above his sorry background, and he didn't," Sirius was especially sensitive to this, having risen above his own less than tasteful background, and he was sure it would not have worked the way it did without James at his side. Snape had had Lily, and it did not even make a dent. Shame it was at that, for Lily was a right bird-ah, there came a fresh shriek for James' blood from upstairs-a special woman indeed.
James chuckled. "I wonder what she'd do if I were to go up there and tell her I wanted a whole house of children?"
Sirius snorted. "Mate, I doubt you'd even get the words out. That wife of yours has a way of knowing when you're up to anything. You even try to go up those stairs with that statement in your mind and she'll know, and you'll be slammed with something I don't even want to think of." Sirius even gave a theatrical shudder at the thought of Lily's magical prowess. He had never been on the receiving end quite as much as James though, and for that he was grateful.
"Watch, she'll insist on separate bedrooms in the future. No more fun for me…oh I'll talk Lily into having more children, I got her to give me a chance didn't I? Sure it was nothing short of a miracle, but Lily's taught me important lessons, and it only goes to show that I absorbed them if I apply them to life now right?" James wore a sad grin; he had learned important lessons from Lily to be sure, but at what cost? Even now, there were times when he thought maybe, just maybe, he pushed Snape over the edge too much and he never would have uttered that despicable word. His fifteen year old self had not thought too much about it until the evening after Lily severed her friendship with Snape for good.
May, 1975.
James sat on the plush sofa in the Gryffindor Common Room, wishing he could sink into the cushions and disappear from the world. Or at least from this moment, from the conversation he hadn't wanted to overhear; Lily Evans' last public conversation with Severus Snape.
It had been a stroke of luck that Mary MacDonald had left the portrait hole open when she stopped to berate Snape, who'd run up to her, panting as he begged for her to go get Lily. Most nights James would have loved to put the scumbag in his place for hurting Lily Evans so deeply, but tonight his heart would not have been in it; the excursion to the Restricted Section of the library under the Invisibility Cloak had not had the same satisfaction James was accustomed to. And while standing under the cloak in front of Snape and in hearing distance of MacDonald, James knew it was not the night to test his good fortune. So he'd scrambled into the common room and barely avoided bumping Lily Evans who strode to the portrait hole, her green eyes almost more formidable than any Avada Kedavra curse (thought it would've been highly distasteful to say this aloud).
When James plopped down on the wonderfully aged sofa and groaned comfortably, he'd expected Lily to close the portrait door. It would have been symbolic of closing the Slytherin out of her world, of saving he had no place amongst the brave; it would have been typical Lily to make a move of this caliber but rage and grief had distracted Lily from what she would normally do.
James did his best to not jump when the portrait finally did close. Using his peripheral vision without any turn of the head, James stayed very still as he watched Lily lean against the wall, a barely audible sigh escaping her lips.
Lily had put on a show early, going back to her girlfriends right after she publically accepted the termination of her friendship with Snape, but James had stared at her longingly long enough to have some idea of the emotions she thought she was hiding, James had seen the flash of pain in her eyes at the unforgiveable word, Mudblood-James felt dirty for even thinking it. To cast such a terrible word on Lily Evans, the most talented witch in the school, was simply absurd. Yes, James could tell from her eyes that it cut to the deep, and his guilt for being somehow involved in that hurt intensified when she'd been absent from the table in the Great Hall at dinner.
James had been so involved in his thoughts that he did not notice Lily stand up, giving herself a little shake as she squared her jaw and made to march back up to her dormitory. Nor did he notice the double take when Lily realized her confrontation with Snape was privy to audience of one James Potter, but his ears were always receptive to the sound of Lily Evan's voice.
"Are you happy now, Potter? Does it bring you joy that you were right all along, that Sev-Snape isn't fit to be in the same room as me? That I was wrong in defending someone who never wanted to be helped, and thought so little of me? Am I really worth so little…is that what everyone thinks of me…?" Lily trailed of, her voice catching as she forgot her rage with James and opened to self-doubt, raised of course from being stabbed in the back from her first best friend in the magical world.
James had to turn around and look at her in disbelief, and was alarmed to see her crying. Lily Evans never cried; not even in their second year when he told her he'd only been improving her looks by making her hair green and hazel brown polka dots. She had also failed to see the humor in his statement that it was their eye colors joined together, and that they must be meant to be. No, Lily Evans did not cry, and certainly not in front of James Potter. But since James was witnessing this unbelievable moment, he had the task of weighing his options; what would make her less angry with him? He knew he already trod on dangerous grounds; today's actions did not go far in making her like him better, so this was a delicate matter. James had two options; he could either apologize quietly and leave Lily to herself, or he could try to comfort her as well as the fiery young woman would allow him to. The latter was probably the right thing to do, but it did not make James fear for his life any less by knowing that for once, he was going to do the right thing by Lily Evans.
Slowly, lightly, James stood up and walked around the sofa to Lily's side and ever so softly, he grasped her shoulder. James had never been this close, almost intimately close, to Lily Evans. If he was honest with himself she could not be blamed for keeping him at a fair distance. James closed his eyes at the contact and heard Lily shudder, whether from surprise or disgust he wasn't sure, but when he opened his eyes to look at her Lily was staring at him with confusion and slight aversion. Ah, so both then. James gulped and looked Lily straight on, and started the bravest speech of his life to date.
"What I did today…what I've done the last five years really…is inexcusable. You're right to despise me, right to call me an arrogant toad. I've never shown myself to you as anything but. I can't be sorry for hating Snape, because he embraces everything about magic that I'd love to see gone from our world. He is freely choosing a path that will only lead to the destruction of good people, of happiness and our way of life. I can't be sorry for hating him for hurting you either, Evans, because you deserve so much better than that. I know you don't think much of the fact that I would never call you or anyone else that wretched, evil term, or that you don't want me to come to your defense, but know that I will anyway, because it's what I believe is right. I am sorry that Snape threw your friendship away, because it means that he rejected everything that you represent; he rejected the light you could've brought to his life and he rejected you as a person, and I can't forgive him for that. But for what it's worth, I can't forgive myself for any part I might have played in making it happen; I do think you're better off without him, but I'm sorry for anything I might have done to help him cause you pain."
There. It was unsure whether James had ever said so much Lily, except for his attempts at flirting and teasing; certainly there had never been much serious conversation between the two. That was James fault as well, but so this was a big moment, and he felt slightly breathless as he stared at Lily, nervously wondering what was crossing her mind. She looked dazed-still angry and hurt, but more dazed than anything now. Lily opened and closed her mouth a few times before turning to look at his hand with surprise. James was surprised as well; his hand certainly had a mind of his own! He'd never consciously made the decision, but sometime during his little speech James' hand had made its way to Lily's cheek, even cupping her chin as it did now. What a delightfully, devilishly daring hand. James never wanted to wash that hand.
"Do you really mean all that? Or are you just saying it? Cause I promise you, Potter, this is the last night you'd want to be toying with me. I might be tempted to make a slip of my hand over your pumpkin juice some morning at the table; you wouldn't be able to taste the difference and you could break out into hives or an incredibly ill placed rash, or an illness-"
"Evans, not that I don't blame you for not trusting me fully, though I will admit it stings a bit when this is truly the most sincere moment I've had with you, and you just ruined it, I just could never see you doing that. That is the difference between you and me; you talk like this when you're angry with me, and while you're certainly feisty enough to brew the potion and bring it to breakfast, you'd be overcome with guilt and feeling before you could 'slip your hand' over my goblet. You think things through much more than I do, which is why not only would I make that potion, I would put it in my enemy's goblet but maybe not in front of everyone in the Great Hall. That's too amateurish for my level, I-" Oops. James hadn't meant the conversation to take this turn. Great. Indeed, Lily's eyes flashed.
"You're actually thinking about pranking right now? Potter, you are so aggravating!" Lily wrenched his hand from her chin and spun around on her heel, taking quick strides to the window. It was for his own good, James was sure, that she removed herself from close vicinity, but since when did James ever follow what was for his own good? Certainly not when his body had a mind of its own, as it seemed to tonight; just like his hand had moved of its own accord, James found his feet bringing him to the window to stand behind Lily. He stared at her stormy reflection, his eyes just seeing a few inches over her head.
"That came out wrong, I didn't mean-" "No, Potter you really don't get it!" Lily hurled at him as she turned to face him, back up against the window. "You have so, so much going for you and you don't appreciate any of it. You cheapen it in fact! You duel in hallways over the drop of a hat in your presence, you put stuff in people's food to change their appearances, and you hang boys upside down till their old, grungy boxers are hanging out! You cheapen your magic with such stupidity and yet you waltz around like we should all love you! You put on shows of magic in front of me and expect me to say yes when you ask me out, or you hex any guy who happens to even talk to me out of jealousy! You do everything in the world except try to be yourself! That's what is so aggravating; you show this despicable character to the world when deep down, I have to believe that's not the real you. Remus Lupin would never befriend someone as contemptible as that." Lily stopped to breathe, looking up at him quite seriously.
"Just a few moments ago you seemed so sincere, so ready to make amends with me. Is that the real James Potter? Whoever he is, is he really better than Snape, more deserving of a place in my life?"
James sighed as Lily continued his tirade. He was listening-of course he was, it was Lily of all people and he wanted to prove to her that he actually cared what people had to say. But yes, he was listening and thinking at the same time. All the things he'd done for pure enjoyment of it- humor at the expense of others- she thought was beneath him. True, some of the pranks were cruel more than funny, perhaps today's prank on Snape included. Out of everything Lily was saying, one message seemed very clear; Lily thought he was better than that. In other words, no matter how much she begrudged it to him and would not admit it, she respected his magical abilities. Maybe not James Potter as a person, but most certainly his skills with the wand; she respected that.
Maybe if the pranks were to continue, they should be more artful, displays of magical prowess meant to impress and delight. James would have to remember to discuss with Padfoot and Moony later, but again, now was time to focus on Lily.
"…and really, all the pranks are so beneath you. You're the best wizard in our year, why wouldn't you want to do more with that knowledge? Why treat it so poorly when there are people here who have to try to earn respect for their magic, because they aren't lucky enough to be born in your shoes, to be more than Muggle-born?" Lily looked at him so earnestly now. For all her confidence and pride of her background, Snape's betrayal had certainly made an impact. And yet, James could see why; there were people at Hogwarts, people outside in the world who would never give her a chance because she was Muggle-born, whilst he had every door open to him as a pure-blood and he was wasting opportunities.
He was about to voice his wish that they'd had more of these argumentative but thought provoking discussions when he heard an undeniable sound resonate; Lily's stomach. James grinned as Lily flushed, covering her stomach with her hands as if determined to quelch all proof of hunger. So James had to laugh when it happened again, even louder this time. Lily looked like she was actively struggling between the desire to hex James or flee. So James decided for her, as it was simply in his nature to do.
"I know it isn't gentlemanly of me to comment, but you're hungry, and I know you skipped dinner because I waited the entire time for you, because I wanted to ask to speak to you privately to apologize. So clearly you need to eat Evans, and not only am I always ready to eat, I'm not ready to end this conversation either. As such, here's what I propose, and I apologize for the rule-breaking that must occur: we either sneak out of the castle and go to Hogsmeade, or down to the kitchens. That way, if you can humor being around me a bit longer, you can eat the dinner you cruelly deprived yourself of and I start to show you that I want to be better, and deserving of a place in your life. So…dinner?" James was nervous; Lily Evans and rule-breaking were not synonymous with each other, for James it was practically within the definition of his name.
"You did not just ask me to break the rules…with you." Lily stated in disbelief.
James chuckled. "I assure you, I did. But! Only because I thought it would be to your benefit, as going to bed on an empty stomach is never pleasant. Please say you'll go to the kitchens with me?"
Lily threw her hands up in the air and laughed. James decided that her laugh was his favorite sound in the world, even if it had sounded derisive at that moment. "If I get caught and am thrown out of the running for Head Girl, I'm coming after you."
"Oooh, I'm frightened," James mock shuddered. "Evans, you wound me with the accusation that I would let you get caught breaking rules. I know this isn't your favorite quality of mine, but I happen to be excellent at breaking rules without being caught. And you can't tell me you never wondered how we Mauraders got around undetected so easily! Plus, Head Girl is still over a year away-don't worry so much. You've had it in the bag since the end of third year"
Lily smirked and said, "I'd almost call you out for arrogance but you avoided it quite smartly. Very well, off to the kitchens! But," Lily warned, looking serious again, "this doesn't mean we're friends. I barely even like you, especially after today. This is just because I want food, and…I've never been to the kitchens, so this is an adventure. I guess I can't graduate without having ever been to the kitchens. You can apologize all you want, because it will take a lot more than apologies to make you go up in how I see you. Now let's go."
As James grabbed his cloak strode out the portrait hole, he glanced at his watch and cursed; he hadn't realized how late it was. Oops, he hadn't meant to curse in front of Lily either.
The torches were all dimmed and it was drafty out in the roomy castle halls. Lily was still in her dressing gown and he could almost see her goosebumps forming. Mmm, cloak time.
"Now, how do you propose to get us to the kitchens undetected?" Lily inquired, a hint of a challenge to her voice. James smiled, and simply stood next to her and whirled the cloak around to cover them, delighting in her astonishment as her body disappeared for the first time.
"Evans, I have a secret to share with you. A family secret in fact-and I promise, I'm not bragging…"
The pair walked off down the hall, deep in conversation. No, it was not quite the start of a friendship; there was too much hurt and pain in their past for one night to heal all of that. But it was more the beginning of an end; an end of loathing and misunderstanding, an end of immaturity and arrogance. The end of enmity and the beginning of peace.