Chapter 11

On the Way to Believing

(Yuna)

Baralai wanted me to call the police as soon as we got back to Luca. He wanted to get back to the mountain as fast as possible, but I had other plans in mind. He just about had a fit when I told him we all should spend the night at home and tell our parents what was going on. Gippal was able to calm him down, but I could tell that he could go off again at any moment. He was a ticking time bomb and whether or not he exploded here in my car or at home with his parents was all a matter of time.

I dropped him off first and it was so hard to drive away, leaving him looking dejected and lost on his driveway. It was hard seeing him like this because I was feeling exactly the same way. I wanted to call the police and get Paine off that mountain as soon as humanly possible, but I was sure our parents wanted to see us. As much as I wanted to get Paine home I knew I was doing the right thing.

Once I was back in my own driveway I was at a loss for what to do next. I think I sat in my car for almost twenty minutes trying to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my night. Was it really such a good idea that we were spending the night in our warm beds when Paine was up in the freezing climate of Mt. Gagazet? My hands reflexively tightened around my steering wheel, the fear of something happening to her paralyzing me. Baralai would never forgive me. All this had been my idea after all. I took a deep breath and forced myself to get out of my car. I needed to talk with my father. He had a knack for being able to cheer me up and right now I definitely needed it.

I heard my father come running as soon as I closed the door behind me. I had been able to call him once I had cell service and he was relieved all of us were okay. He was starting to get worried. I could practically feel his excitement coming through the phone. He had been alone all this past week without me being home and had really missed me. Ever since my mother passed we needed each other more than ever and had grown closer because of it. I smiled when I saw him come out of the kitchen and ran to him, sighing in relief when his strong arms wrapped around my shoulders.

This is the definition of home, I thought to myself, a wide smile spreading across my face.

"I'm glad you're home," he said, stepping back a couple of paces and gripping my shoulders tightly with his hands. "I thought I might go crazy if I spent anymore time alone."

I laughed. "And here I was thinking that you would be throwing a party."

He laughed as well and hugged me. "Are you hungry? I was just fixing dinner."

"I would love some dinner. I'm going to take a shower first."

He nodded then went back into the kitchen. I practically sprinted up the stairs towards my room, exploding through the door and vaulting myself onto my bed. I breathed in deeply, the aroma of my fabric softener a welcome familiarity. The only thing I needed now to complete my life was bringing Paine back home. I fought the fatigue I could feel building in my muscles and, even though I would have loved to take a nice long nap, reluctantly hefted myself off my bed then gathered fresh clothes before crossing the hall to my bathroom.

Half an hour later, I was clean and a little bit more relaxed, considering my situation. It was barely six o'clock when I looked at my alarm clock and I felt just a little bit exasperated. I hadn't even been home for an hour. Getting through the rest of the night without pulling my hair out was going to be a challenge in and of itself.

This is going to be the longest night of my life, I thought as I stalked down the stairs.

I joined my dad downstairs for dinner and told him everything that happened during the week that I hadn't already told him. He was relieved that Paine was alive, but worried about her condition. He had been just as devastated as the rest of us when I brought the news that Paine was dead home with me. He had been close friends with Paine's father and considered her his daughter. He had even offered to let her move in with us after her parents passed away, but, even though she was extremely grateful for the offer, she adamantly refused. She became an emancipated minor about a month after her parent's deaths and that's when she bought her house and motorcycle.

I smiled to myself when I remembered how the people at the realtor office and motorcycle dealership had treated her. Both Rikku and I had gone with her because we all suspected what would happen. Neither of us wanted Paine to be alone in that kind of situation. She was young – a lot younger than any of their other customers – so they thought she was joking. They didn't believe her when she said that her parents had recently passed away and left her a huge inheritance. That is until she got her parent's investor on the phone. They changed their tune after they realized exactly how much money she had.

"You okay, Yuna?" my father asked, jarring my head out of the clouds.

I jumped involuntarily. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind."

An understanding smile curled up the corners of my father's mouth. "Everything's going to be okay," he said, reaching across the table and grabbing my hand.

"That's what worries me," I said, squeezing my father's slender fingers. "I'm afraid that something bad is going to happen because of my decision to wait until tomorrow morning to go back for her."

He frowned and laced his fingers together underneath his chin. "Why would you think that?"

I half-heartedly shrugged one shoulder, uncertain about what I was feeling. "I don't know. It's just this foreboding feeling I have in my chest. I can't really explain it."

My father nodded. "If you keep thinking like that, you'll stress yourself out. You need to keep your mind occupied and I think I've got just the thing. We'll pick up the dishes later. Come with me."

I frowned as I followed him into the living room and watched as he rummaged through our movie cabinet. He was a huge movie buff and owned almost every movie known to man. You name it, he's got it, guaranteed. I wasn't exactly sure how watching a movie would help, but I was willing to try anything. After a few moments of searching he pulled a couple cases from the cupboard, but wouldn't let me see them.

"Laughter is the best stress reliever," he remarked as he popped one of the discs into the player. Then he went back to the kitchen to make popcorn.

I sighed as I sank into the cushions of our couch, wondering how the rest of my friends were faring.

(Baralai)

It was only eight o'clock and I already felt like pulling my hair out. The time was passing ludicrously slow. It almost felt like an eternity since Yuna had brought me home. I had begged her not to make me wait until tomorrow, but, to my disappointment and aggravation, her decision would not be swayed. As much as I wanted to be angry with her, I couldn't find the strength for it. I hated to admit it to myself, but I had actually missed my parents. Hard to believe, I know. I hardly believed it myself.

They were happy to see me, especially my mom. She started questioning me about Paine as soon as I walked through the door. Like if she was alright, when she would be coming home and how badly she was hurt among others. I couldn't handle to answer most of them so I kept our conversation short, only giving one or two word answers. Ever since then I had been trying anything I could to help pass the time.

It wasn't working very well, to put it lightly.

First of all, I took a shower. I had worn the same clothes all week and felt absolutely disgusting. The Ronso's method of bathing was a hot spring inside an immense cave. They had no idea what soap was so we had to make due with soaking in the scalding water until we were sure we would be clean. Even then, my hair still felt dirty. I couldn't believe how happy I was when I saw my shampoo sitting there waiting for me. After my shower, I tried reading a book, but all the words ran together and I couldn't make any sense out of them. Then I tried cleaning my room, but there was hardly anything for me to clean so I was finished before I knew it. Everything I tried to take my mind off of Paine didn't work a single bit. I knew that if I didn't find something to occupy myself with I was liable to go crazy.

That's when I started getting desperate.

I found my mom with my dad in his office and asked her if there was any house work that needed to be done. Yes, I was that desperate. Both my parents looked at me like I had suddenly fallen through the ceiling. I was like any other teenager that hated doing chores and my parents had to fight with me tooth and nail to get me to help them with anything. I know my question had made them consider getting their hearing checked.

"What's wrong, son?" my dad asked, glancing sideways at my mom. He knew that there had to be something wrong with me if I was volunteering to do chores.

"I just need something to do," I answered, stuffing my hands into my pockets.

My mom shot my dad an astonished look before returning her gaze to me. "Well the trash needs to be taken out, there are some dishes that need to be washed and the carpets need to be vacuumed."

"Awesome, I'll get right on it," I answered, leaving my dad's office without another word, which probably ended up shocking them even more. I knew what I had to do so I didn't need to stick around any longer and waste time. If I wanted to keep my sanity intact I needed to take my mind off of Paine at least for a few hours.

I got to work as soon as I walked into the kitchen, taking care of the trash first. That was the easiest so I wanted to get it out of the way. After that I immersed myself into what I was doing. Once all the dishes were washed and put away I even wiped off all of the marble countertops and cleaned the stove off. I wasn't sure if any of that needed to be done, but I did it anyways. I even went as far as mopping the tile before moving on to the vacuuming. I took my time, something that surprised even me. I wanted to make all this last for as long as I could because once Paine was safely back in her own home my opinion of house work would diminish once again.

Even though I tried my hardest to keep my mind off of Paine, every now and then her face would fly up in front of my mind's eye. I would see her plain as day, almost like she was standing right in front of me, staring at me with those intense red eyes of hers. Ever since the day I had met her, I had wondered how she had been gifted with such hauntingly gorgeous eyes. I had never seen such eyes before in my life. They were beautiful and frightening all at the same time. They reminded me of molten lava, burning even brighter when she was angry. I couldn't stop the hallucinations from springing up whenever they saw fit so when it happened I tried not to fight it. Fighting it just made it worse.

By the time I was finished with everything I was exhausted physically as well as mentally. I said good night to my parents, who profusely thanked me for all my help, and flopped into bed without even changing clothes.

My dreams were anything but peaceful.

(Paine)

My sleep that night was restless. I kept waking up every two hours covered in sweat and out of breath. I didn't even know how I could sleep at all. I had slept an entire week of my life away. I thought that it would take days for me to get tired again. I actually think part of the reason why is because I knew my friends would be coming back for me and I wanted to be awake when they got here. I grimaced, realizing that reason was highly unlikely even though I wanted to believe it. Maybe it was because some part of me was scared that I would get left behind a second time so my first reason still stood. I sighed as I pushed my messy bangs away from my eyes, wishing I could get up and walk around. I had so much pent up frustration with no outlet. I was probably going to go stir crazy before my friends got here.

My traitorous thoughts almost immediately switched over to Baralai. How would I react when I saw him again? Better yet, how would he react? I didn't even know the particulars about how he had slept next to me during the week that he was here. Kimarhi had told me what he could, but even he wasn't sure what had happened. I still wasn't sure how to respond to something like that. I know it should have weirded me out, but it didn't and I wasn't sure what to make of that either.

I just want to go home, I thought as my eyelids began to droop. Before long, sleep had once again staked its claim on me.

When I woke up again it was light outside. I looked around, the feeling that something had woke me up causing me mild confusion. The fire in the corner had yet to be lit so I knew it hadn't been Kimarhi. My brows scrunched together as I strained my ears, trying to pick out any strange sounds coming from outside, but all I could hear was the wind blowing outside. I was just about to tell myself that I was hearing things when I finally heard something. It was a dull beat, almost like a thrumming, that sounded so familiar that I felt like I should recognize it. After a few more seconds the sound got louder and soon it was deafening.

I gasped suddenly, my hands fisting into my blanket.

I knew that sound!

It was a helicopter. My friends were back!

I lurched up so quickly then that the jolt that raced down my spine actually made me cry out, but I didn't give a damn about my back at the moment. I stumbled out of the hut and saw said helicopter hovering a few inches off the ground, throwing snow up in every direction. I took off running towards it as fast as I possibly could, which wasn't very fast at all considering my injuries and the depth of the snow. As soon as the helicopter touched down, I saw one of the doors fly open and Baralai leap out, hitting the deep snow running. I could barely hear him screaming my name as he struggled to reach me.

We slammed into each other's chests, soundly knocking the air out of my lungs. I fisted my hands into his shirt to confirm that he was real and that he was really here. I heard him heave an enormous sigh as he pressed my body tighter against his, almost molding us together. I breathed his cologne in deeply, ignoring the red flags and warning signals that continued to go off in my head telling me to move away from him. I ignored them, happy that one of my friends were here to take me home finally. I felt tears immediately spring to my eyes and I allowed them to fall, soaking Baralai's shoulder in the process. I had a feeling that he really wouldn't mind. Then, without warning, a strange sensation traveled down my back and into my legs, but I ignored that as well. Something that I probably shouldn't have done.

"Sweet Shiva," Baralai whispered, burying his face into my hair. "I thought you weren't going to wake up. Are you alright?"

I nodded, but that's when the sensation in my back changed. The pain mysteriously disappeared and I felt my legs crumple beneath me. Baralai's hold on me tightened as he helped me straighten back up. Only my legs wouldn't respond. I tried moving them, but I couldn't feel them at all; it was like they weren't even there anymore. My eyes widened in horror.

"Oh no," I whispered, my grip tightening on Baralai's shirt.

"What?" he asked, his voice becoming concerned. "What's wrong?"

"I can't feel my legs." Somehow speaking those words were more terrifying than thinking them. I felt Baralai's frame go rigid and I started to panic. "Help, Baralai," I whimpered as my arms began to shake from how hard I was holding onto him.

"I don't know how. I don't know what to do," came his fearful reply. He turned his head and began calling for whoever was inside the helicopter for help. I began to hyperventilate, knowing that I was hurt a lot worse than I originally thought. Baralai detected my rising panic and pulled back so he could look at me. "Paine, look at me. Stay calm. I've got you. I know you're scared, but hang in there. I'm here."

I nodded and breathed in deeply a couple of times, his soothing voice helping me to calm down. I concentrated only on his eyes, trying to block out all the horrific thoughts that were attempting to consume me. Slowly but surely my panic began to melt away and he smiled, gently flicking my unruly bangs out of my eyes. Then, instead of taking his hand away from my face, he softly trailed his fingertips down my cheek. Just then two medical personnel came running up, carrying a backboard and a large bag of medical supplies. Baralai ripped his hand away from my face like my skin had suddenly become red hot and turned to address them, whatever had just happened between us broken.

"She said she can't feel her legs," he told them, his voice a mixture of fear and urgency.

The man carrying the bag immediately set it down and motioned for the one carrying the backboard to follow him. I heard their hushed whispers – they must have said something to Baralai because his arms carefully untangled from around me – then I felt the backboard press up against the upper part of my back; I couldn't feel anything else so I had no idea if Baralai was still holding onto me. Then I felt someone's hands come to rest on my neck just above my shoulders, immobilizing my head.

"I need you to keep your head as still as you possibly can okay?" one of the men said soothingly.

I almost nodded my head, but caught myself at the last possible second. "Yeah, sure," I replied, keeping my focus on Baralai's eyes.

"Your name is Paine, right?" he asked, like he was carrying on a completely normal conversation.

"Yeah."

"Well, Paine, my name is Dillon and my friend's name is Aaron. We're going to take really good care of you." He whispered something else to Aaron, but I couldn't make it out. A few seconds later I felt something being wrapped around my head and I jumped, my hands reflexively tightening on the fabric of Baralai's shirt. A reassuring look from him helped me relax. "This is just the head strap. We need to make sure your head isn't going to move when we lower you onto the ground."

I could literally feel the fear seeping into my eyes, but Baralai came to my rescue before I had the chance to lose my mind. "It's alright," he whispered. One of his hands found mine as I felt a thick strap being cinched around my waist.

Just as Dillon and Aaron were beginning to lower me onto the ground my panic came screaming back to the forefront of my mind and I clawed at Baralai's shirt. I couldn't quite explain, but I didn't want to lose sight of him. I knew that my fears were completely irrational and I knew that I would end up regretting how I was acting later, but I had thrown all rational thought out the window a long time ago. Now was not the time to be proud and I knew it. I was damn scared and that was the end of it.

Both men froze, their hands keeping the backboard still. Baralai frowned as his hands flew up towards mine, gently prying them off his shoulders. "What is it, Paine?" Dillon asked, concern filling his voice. "Talk to me."

"Baralai," I whispered frantically, my fingers clenching his hands in a vice grip. Once I was lying down, I wouldn't be able to see him and that was not okay.

And Shiva bless him, that boy knew exactly what was on my mind. "I'm not going anywhere," he stressed. "Calm down and let them help you."

I took a deep breath and nodded as Dillon and Aaron carefully continued lowering me. I watched as both men, meticulously finished strapping me onto the board, making sure the straps were as tight as they could possibly be. I kept my fingers clamped over Baralai's the entire time. "You're the only one?" I asked, trying to fill the dead air.

He nodded. "Yuna wanted to come too but only one of us could fit in the helicopter with the others. She let me go." He smirked and I knew there was more to the story than what he was telling me.

"I'm getting the feeling that you didn't give her a choice in the matter." I felt myself smile and such a simple action felt both foreign and good all at the same time. I was sincerely thankful that Baralai had insisted to be the one to come get me; we had some talking to do before we were back in Luca. I let my face relax and stared into his eyes seriously. "I know you slept next to me," I stated, not giving him a chance to deny it.

He frowned as his eyes grew impossibly wide. "Kimarhi told you, didn't he?"

"No, I figured it out." I had to fight the impulse to shake my head. The foam neck immobilizer made sure it stayed still, but the impulse to move was still there. "The smell of your cologne was all over the blankets." I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me when I saw his tan cheeks darken. His sheepish smile gave him away.

Before either of us were able to say anything further, Dillon's face popped into my view. "Alright, Paine, we're going to be picking you up and putting you in the helicopter now. Are you ready?"

"Yeah." My grip involuntarily tightened around Baralai's hand as I felt the backboard lift off the ground.

The left side of the helicopter was constructed so the backboard could slide inside effortlessly. Dillon and Aaron positioned me so my feet were pointing towards the front. Once I was secured inside, I looked around the small space and was just barely able to see the pilot sitting on the right hand side of the helicopter checking his equipment. Dillon double checked the straps that were holding me onto the board as well as the straps that were securing the board to the floor. Once he was confident I wasn't going anywhere all three of the guys walked around to the other side and climbed in. Baralai sat down in the seat that was next to my head. His hand found mine almost immediately, squeezing it reassuringly.

But as soon as he had grabbed my hand he quickly let go of it and I frowned, watching him slide a set of headphones over his ears out of the corner of my eye. "Sorry," he said, grabbing my hand again. "I needed to use both my hands."

It suddenly got very loud as the pilot prepared to take off and I got concerned that we wouldn't be able to talk. I kept quiet though. Baralai knew I wanted to talk to him. I would just bide my time and sort out exactly what I wanted to talk to him about while I waited.

The helicopter rocked unsteadily back and forth as the pilot maneuvered it off the ground and ascended into the sky. I felt my stomach churning and it took everything in me not to throw up so I closed my eyes, beginning to count slowly in my head. I had almost lulled myself to sleep when I felt Baralai's warm breath on my neck and heard him whisper in my ear, "Are you okay?"

"I got nauseous," I answered, wishing I could turn my head to look at him.

"Unfortunately," he began, moving into my line of sight. "the noise doesn't get any better. So if you want to talk this is how close I'll have to be." I nodded, thinking that, for once, having him so close wouldn't be that bad. He pulled the headphones off his head and returned them to wherever he got them all without letting go of my hand. He gazed down at me, searching my face like he was looking for something specific. "Does anything hurt?" he finally asked.

I tried to wiggle my toes, but it was like they weren't even there. "No, I just can't feel anything below my waist. You could cut my legs off right now and I wouldn't know the difference."

Baralai chuckled, putting his head next to mine. "No, I won't do that. I like your legs right where they are." He paused for a moment before diving into his next question. "So what happened when you crashed?"

One of my eyebrows twitched as I tried to recall that night. It was fuzzy, but I knew that I would never completely forget about it. "It was an animal. It ran out in front of me and I didn't have a chance to react." I brought my gaze back to Baralai, but his eyes were guarded. "What did you guys think had happened to me?"

He pursed his lips and averted his eyes away from mine. I frowned, my head reeling from all the possibilities. "All of us lived for an entire week thinking you were dead. Yuna and Rikku were even starting funeral arrangements." His eyes began to glisten and I was struck speechless, but I guess I could understand. I had never seen how bad the aftermath of my crash looked, but if it was bad enough for them to presume me dead then that was enough for me. What Baralai said next made me wish I really had died. "And they found that video you made. They showed it to me."

I tried to keep my reaction to myself but I was pretty sure that Baralai would notice how rigid the part of my body that I could feel went. Goddamnit, I knew recording that video was a bad idea! Why did I do that? I had a bad feeling about it, but I did it anyways. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I swallowed my anger and put on the best smile that I could muster. "Yeah, you weren't supposed to see that," I mumbled, meeting his eyes hesitantly.

"Did you mean it or not?" he asked, his words ringing in my ears.

I gaped at him, blown out of the water by his question. He had a point, a very valid point. I was sending him mixed signals, I knew that. I wasn't a fool. I just didn't know if I was ready to open my heart to someone yet. I did feel something for him; I was willing to admit that much to myself, but admitting it to him was going to be the challenge. "I do," I finally replied after an extremely drawn out silence.

He narrowed his eyes and leveled me with a suspicious look. "I can't help but feel you're holding something back." I heard an odd tone to his voice, but couldn't pick out what it was.

I huffed in frustration, his persistence getting on my nerves. I guess I deserved it though. I had wanted to show that video to Baralai in my own time, if I ever decided to show it to him at all. All of that was moot now. I clenched my jaw and stared up at the ceiling of the helicopter defiantly. "'I'm sorry' probably isn't what you want to hear, but I don't know what else to say to you. I know I'm being unfair. The video isn't helping, I know that too." I sent him a pointed stare which he didn't hesitate to return. "If this would have never happened to me you wouldn't even know that video even existed. This was all just an accident."

His gaze softened then and something I could only describe as disappointment flared up behind his eyes. "Everything happens for a reason. There are no mistakes." I remained silent and averted my eyes away from him, his accusing stare becoming too much for me to handle. I flinched when I felt his warm breath waft across the side of my face. "Just answer this for me. What made you think about that song anyways?" Then he leaned back and pried his fingers out of my hand, leaving me to stew about his question alone.

For a while nothing but the whir of the helicopter's blades could be heard. I couldn't see Dillon or Aaron and even Baralai was out of my sight. I was so exhausted, but couldn't quiet my buzzing mind. I hated how every time Baralai and I had a conversation it always ended badly. I sighed, wishing I could turn my brain off for just a little bit. There were so many things running circles in my mind that I thought my head would explode. I wished that whatever the hell was going on between me and Baralai wasn't so complicated.

Not everything is black and white, my fatigued mind managed to point out to me.

I sighed again and closed my eyes, trying to bring Baralai's last question to the forefront of my mind. Of course, I already knew the answer to that. I was singing about him so, naturally, he would be the reason why I thought about that song. I couldn't help but think there was a double standard hidden somewhere in that question. A frustrated half-growl, half-groan bubbled in the back of my throat and I began to sing the song in question in my head, the fingers on my right hand forming the chords. I pushed the rewind button in my head and went back to the day I had thought of that song, reliving it to try and find additional meaning.

As I sang in my head I overanalyzed every lyric like I was hearing the song for the first time. I knew the who and the what, I just didn't have an answer for the why. I opened my eyes and stopped singing silently, staring up at the ceiling in confusion. I always knew the why behind every song I wrote so the fact that I couldn't figure this particular why out was maddening.

I looked as far to the right that I could and was barely able to see Baralai's hair. I wiggled my hand out from under the tight waist strap then reached up to where I thought he would be. My fingers found his jeans and I felt him jump from the sudden contact. He looked down at me and I did the 'come hither' thing with my index finger. When his face was right in front of mine I could tell he wasn't in the best of moods. His eyes were guarded and he wouldn't even meet my gaze, choosing to stare at one of the straps wrapped around my shoulder instead. I bit down on the inside of my cheek knowing that I was going to have to be the one to rectify this situation, but not knowing how.

"Baralai," I said, raising my voice just enough for him to hear.

"Yeah," he acknowledged, still refusing to look at me.

I hesitantly lifted my hand and grazed my knuckles down his cheek, hoping that would hook his attention better. My touch startled him again and his hand shot up, capturing my fingers in his grasp. He finally looked at me, but from the conflicting emotions I saw there I wasn't so sure if I wanted him looking at me anymore. Just knowing that I was the reason for what was going on inside his head at that moment in time made me feel extremely guilty.

I cleared my throat and tried to remember what I wanted to say. "I just want you to know that I'm not doing this on purpose. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Just…" I paused and sighed, getting frustrated with myself. "Just give me a chance." I stared into his eyes meaningfully, hoping he would understand.

He smiled then and I was relieved to see that it reached his eyes. He continued to hold my hand as he leaned closer to me, cupping my face with his free hand. "And I want you to know something."

I frowned, my curiosity piqued. "What?"

"I'll be the first one to admit that my world practically caved in around me when I thought you had died. I even overheard my parents talking about sending me to see a therapist. It only made it that much worse when Yuna had me watch that video. So I hope you can understand why I chose to stay with you during that week you were in a coma. I thought you would vanish into thin air if I left." He looked away from me and his cheeks darkened.

I, on the other hand, had no idea how to respond. It felt like I had been struck by lightning and the electricity had paralyzed my entire body. I hadn't been prepared for the magnitude of his confession. I had been expecting him to still be angry at me, anything but this. All of this was just happening too fast for me to process correctly. If I didn't know better I would probably think that he was in love with me. I quickly shot that thought down before it could even start to fester. The last time someone had confessed their undying love to me had almost destroyed me. I was not going to leave myself open and vulnerable like that ever again.

But when his gaze found mine once more the only thought present in my mind was: He hasn't told me he loves me yet.