A/N: This story was written for the Fandoms fight the floods compilations. I am happy I can finally post it on here, it is about Carlisle and Esme and their relationship. It is set just after the Cullen's moved back to Forks, but before Bella appeared. Enjoy!
Rated: T
Heartbreak
A twilight one-shot by ArtistiqueJules on twitter
CPOV
"Dr. Cullen, don't you want to go home for a bit? You've been here for almost twenty-four hours." The nurse at the reception desk said. I nodded.
"Yes, I only want to check on Mr Webber again," I mumbled and went into the direction of the ICU.
The day had been terribly hectic, which was unusual for such a small town. Mr. Webber had been brought in with serious chest pains hinting at a heart attack. After a few quick examinations, I found myself in the OR trying to save the man's life with a bypass surgery. There were several complications and I had to reanimate my patient once. Finally, after seven hours, it was done. Mr. Webber was alive and sent to the ICU. I only hoped he would make it through the night. After the surgery, I had to cover for a colleague and spent a few more hours in the ER. Forks was never this busy. I was glad I couldn't feel physical exhaustion.
I went towards the ICU for the last time today and checked Mr. Webber's vital signs. He was stable for now, but his condition was still critical. We would have to wait and see what happened. I gave a few instructions to the nurse on duty, including to call me when Mr. Webber's condition changed in any way, and went home.
EsPOV
Carlisle hadn't been home for over a day. I missed him terribly. The kids had already gone to school and the house was empty and I was lonely. The last weeks had been terribly busy. Carlisle was working overtime at the hospital and now, when the stomach flu had finally stopped and I was looking forward to spending some time with Carlisle, he didn't come home for twenty-four hours. I knew he'd had an emergency, Alice told me. But I would have appreciated Carlisle calling or letting someone else call me at the very least.
I missed him. Carlisle and I had hardly talked these last two weeks, never mind more. I missed the time when I would just lie in his arms at night and talk.
I sat in the living room, when I heard Carlisle's car turn into the driveway. A smile appeared on my face. Finally.
A few minutes later, Carlisle appeared inside the house, setting his coat and bag aside. I stood up and wanted to greet him with a kiss, but Carlisle only allowed me a quick peck on the lips. I easily sensed his mind was still far away. And his eyes were darker than he usually would let them get.
"Come on… let's relax for a bit, maybe we could go hunting later…" I said and pulled Carlisle up the stairs into our room.
We lay down on the bed and I began to loosen Carlisle's tie and massage his neck a bit. He closed his eyes but didn't fully relax.
"I missed you," I whispered in his ear, caressing his face and running my hands through his hair.
"I'm sorry. Things were terribly hectic," he replied slowly.
I nodded and kissed his temple. "I know." I whispered back.
We had lain on the bed for a little less than two hours when Carlisle's pager beeped. He instantly sat up, reaching for it, his mind shifting back into work-mode.
"I have to go," he said after a second.
I sighed. "You barely got home," I argued.
"This is my patient. And his condition is critical," Carlisle said, already getting up and swiftly dressing in another shirt and tie.
"Carlisle, please. Can't you ask a colleague? You worked twenty-four hours straight and now they call you again? Wouldn't it look suspicious? Please, why don't you stay home for a bit. You also need to hunt," I argued weakly.
"I'm fine," Carlisle replied, a little harshly, before he left the room.
I stared after him, feeling hurt. Didn't Carlisle even want to stay home for a bit? It was suspicious if he worked twenty-four hours straight, and he also needed the rest. Not physically, but emotionally.
I needed him, too.
CPOV
Mr. Webber's condition had changed for the worst and I rushed to the hospital as quickly as I could. Obviously the bypass I did wasn't enough. His pulse was irregular and weak. It looked like not enough blood could be pumped through his heart. I sighed. I didn't have much time to decide what to do.
"Dr. Cullen, I am sorry we had to call you again."
I shook my head. "It is fine," I said quickly, beginning to work on my patient. I had to decide between the risks of another emergency surgery and other methods that would be less effective. But a surgery was too dangerous. Mr. Webber's weakened heart wouldn't survive the anesthesia.
I decided on a simple blood thinner and other methods to try and stabilize my patient. After I had done what I could, a nurse stopped me.
"Dr. Cullen, Mrs. Webber is in the waiting room and would like to speak with you. She's very worried."
I nodded, and headed out into the waiting room, immediately spotting Mrs. Webber and her daughter. "Mrs. Webber, please, follow me into my office."
EsPOV
I had hoped Carlisle would get back quickly, but it seemed like he wouldn't. I admired and loved him for his dedication to his job, but there were times when it got a little annoying. I had needs, too, not just his patients. And he also needed time away from his work.
I resisted the urge to call him or the hospital to ask if Carlisle would come home soon. I was a little hurt by how he acted when I was just worried for him.
CPOV
I hated to talk to patient's relatives, especially when things looked as critical as in Mr. Webber's case. I had to be realistic and prepare Mrs. Webber for the worst. Things didn't look too good.
"I am sorry, Mrs. Webber, but your husband's condition is critical. We are all doing our best, but his heart attack was very serious and his body is not cooperating the way I wish it would," I said solemnly.
Mrs. Webber nodded, trying not to cry anymore. "Can we see him?" she asked.
I nodded. "Yes, please follow me," I said and led Mrs. Webber and her daughter towards the ICU.
After a short visit I checked on Mr. Webber again. His pulse was still weak, and he was still unconscious though he should have woken up. I sighed and searched my brain for anything I could do. I knew I couldn't keep him alive if his body failed, but I was desperate to fight. But nothing I thought of would work. He seemed to simply have lost his will and strength to fight. I wouldn't give up. This man had a family he left behind. A family that loved and cared for him and had no chance to prepare for all this. The heart attack came out of the blue and his family was still in shock.
"Dr. Cullen, you should go home and rest a bit, you've been on duty for way too long," an elderly nurse said softly.
I nodded, realizing how it looked to my colleagues. "I'll take some rest in the on-call room. Please page me if there's any change." The nurse nodded and I disappeared into the on-call room.
I lay down on the hard cot and stared at the ceiling, again thinking through all medical options I had. I also thought of every detail when Mr. Webber was admitted and the surgery. I was sure I had done nothing wrong. I did everything I could.
I regretted my harsh reply to Esme before I left, but my patients needed me. I was fine. I could probably cope a few more days without hunting. At the moment the situation at the hospital was too stressful for me to stay home. I would take some time off when things calmed down. But at the moment, with the flu going around and everything, it didn't seem fair to me, if I stayed home and my colleagues would have to cover for me. I couldn't get sick or tired, so I had an advantage over the other doctors. Esme would understand this. I thought of calling her to let her know I wouldn't be coming home soon, but I didn't.
I had been in the on-call room for about ninety minutes when I heard the noise outside increase. I had halfway sat up when a nurse came rushing inside the room.
"Dr. Cullen, I'm very sorry to disturb you…"
I interrupted her. "What is it?"
"Code Blue for Mr. Webber," she said.
I cursed and jumped up from the bed, following the nurse outside.
Inside the patient's room a team was already working on Mr. Webber. I swiftly took the place of one of the nurses and took over CPR while giving instructions to the other nurses.
"Alright, charge three hundred," I told the nurse next to me. "Clear!" Nothing. "Again," I said.
I continued CPR, then took the pedals again. "Clear!"
Still no response. I cursed and continued. I wouldn't give up. "Dr. Cullen…" A nurse touched my arm. I shook my head.
"Charge three sixty," I said.
"Dr. Cullen, it is no use," the nurse mumbled next to me.
I shook my head. "Charge," I repeated, still performing CPR.
"Mr. Webber is dead," the nurse said softly.
I closed my eyes and finally stopped trying to resuscitate my patient. I took a deep breath. I had sensed something like that. "Time of death: nine, forty-two am," I said and tossed my gloves in a bin.
I stopped outside in the hallway taking a few moments to calm myself. Even after centuries, losing a patient never got any easier.
"You did everything you could, Dr. Cullen. This wasn't your fault," the older nurse told me.
"Thank you, Edith," I mumbled.
"Will you speak with the family?" I nodded.
"Yes." I straightened up again and went outside in the waiting room. Mrs. Webber and her daughter were still sitting in the hard plastic chairs, holding each other. "Mrs. Webber, can I speak with you in my office, please?" I said gravely.
The woman nodded and followed me, but I could easily see that she was afraid of what I would tell her.
"Dr. Cullen? Please, what is with my husband?" she asked with a shaking voice.
"Mrs Webber, I am very sorry, but your husband's heart wasn't strong enough…"
The woman sobbed. "Please, please… don't tell me, he… died?"
I nodded solemnly. "I am very sorry," I said slowly, offering the only comfort I could. Mrs. Webber sat down on the small couch, shaking and sobbing helplessly. "I am very sorry," I repeated.
Mrs. Webber shook her head. "I am sure you did everything you could, Dr. Cullen," she mumbled. "Can we see him?"
I nodded slowly. "Yes, please follow me."
EsPOV
Carlisle didn't return for hours. I sat in my study and stared out the window at the forest. It was past ten. Carlisle had left three hours ago. And he still hadn't called. I felt neglected. Carlisle seemed to spend more time at the hospital than at home. And when he was home he was never fully relaxed. He always just waited reluctantly until he could go back to work. I understood that he wanted to support his colleagues as best as he could and that it was hard to go home when he wasn't tired and could have worked without a break. But I missed my husband. I barely remembered the last time we had done something together. Just us. We used to go out together, to the theater, the cinema or something. Or just taking a walk, hunting together. Simple things.
There had been a time when Carlisle had called in sick just because he didn't want to leave my side. When we had been cuddling in our bed, wanting to never get up again.
CPOV
It was almost noon when I got home again. There had been a lot of paperwork to sort out. I felt drained in a way and just wanted to go home. My throat was burning worse than this morning. I should probably hunt soon.
I took my things and went out to my car, slowly driving back home, trying to clear my head on the way to the house.
APOV
We were sitting in class with Edward when I suddenly had a vision. Next to me Edward stiffened and frowned. He turned to me and waited till the vision was over.
"What was that?" Edward whispered, confused.
I shrugged. "I don't know. I… Has something like that ever happened?"
Edward shook his head. "No… not like that" he whispered back. "Should we…?"
I quickly shook my head. "No!" I said almost too loud. Every outcome I saw with us interfering looked even worse.
Edward frowned and sighed, but finally nodded.
EsPOV
I sat at home, waiting for Carlisle to come home. Finally I heard his car and moments later he stepped into the house.
"Hello…" he greeted me wearily.
"Are you okay?" I asked, worried all of a sudden.
Carlisle wasn't looking me in the eyes, he seemed far away with his thoughts. "Yes…" he mumbled before going upstairs into his study.
I sat there feeling hurt, but also being worried for Carlisle. It was easy to see something was troubling him. After a few minutes I followed him.
"Carlisle?" I asked, as I stepped into the study where he was about to go out again it seemed. "Where are you going?"
"I need to hunt," he replied.
"Should I come with you?" I asked.
Normally it was very rare one of us went alone, if we could go together then we would, but not today it seemed.
"No. I'm fine," he replied.
"Fine," I snapped, a little harsher than I intended to, but it hurt. I felt like Carlisle was shutting me out, keeping things from me maybe?
"What?" he asked back when he heard my rough response.
"Nothing," I said curtly.
"Well, it didn't sound like nothing. What's wrong? What have I done?" Carlisle asked, sounding the tiniest bit stressed and annoyed, but it was enough to set me off.
"What is wrong? I want to know what's wrong with you? You have been at work more than you have been here these last weeks," I said before I could think about it.
"Well, the hospital was busy. You know that," Carlisle said.
I snorted. "Yes, I know. But, Carlisle, they don't need you to work twenty-four/seven! You were always there! You didn't even come home when they told you to rest, but insisted on staying in the on-call rooms, covering for every colleague of yours!"
"I can't leave my patients there with nobody caring for them!" he replied a little louder.
I was getting angry now. "And what about us? About me?" I yelled. "We need you, too. I need you. I miss you. You are my husband. But lately it hasn't felt that way. You came home and went right into your study, you didn't even acknowledge me! I want to help you, to take care of you when you've had a stressful day but you won't let me! You won't relax and I feel like I am stressing you even more! So I leave you alone. But that hurts, Carlisle! I love you, I want to be there for you. I want to spend time with you! Alone. Just us. Even if it is talking or hunting together, but you're doing nothing. And to be honest, I can't remember the last time you kissed me on your own accord!" I shouted, getting angrier with every second. All the things I had felt these last weeks were out in the open now.
"I am a doctor, Esme. I thought you understood. I have an important job," he told me.
"Yes, but you have a family, too. You know what? I feel like you aren't married to me, but this damn hospital!" I bit my lip, I knew it was harsh, but it was true. I needed Carlisle, too. I didn't mind him working, I loved what he did and his dedication for his job, but lately it had been too much.
"What? You want me to quit? To stay home with you?" he asked.
"No! I didn't say that! I just said that I need you, too, sometimes! I want to talk to you, to simply be in your arms and listen to you tell me about your day or something. I want my husband back," I tried to explain.
Carlisle looked up, finally meeting my gaze. "So you are angry because I didn't fulfill my 'conjugal duties' lately?"
I just stared at him. He knew that wasn't what I meant. Suddenly Carlisle came to me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me, and for a moment I thought he wanted to apologize, until I realized what he really wanted to do. There was no love or passion, he was fulfilling a 'duty'. Feeling even more hurt by this action, I didn't think. Hardly realizing what I was doing, I slapped Carlisle and shoved him away, hard.
"What?" he asked me. "I thought this is what you missed?"
"I think it's best if I going away for a while. Maybe some separation will be good for both of us. Goodbye, Carlisle." And with that I left him standing in his study and headed upstairs into our bedroom. I quickly threw some clothes in a small suitcase and headed down again. Grabbing the keys to Edward's Aston Martin, I was out of the house – all in a couple of minutes. Carlisle didn't even try to stop me, which only increased the dull ache in my chest. I knew if I could cry, tears would be streaming down my face now.
CPOV
I just stood there like I was frozen. It wasn't until the sound of the car had vanished in the distance that I slowly realized what had happened. I let out a shaky breath that I didn't know I had been holding. My sigh slowly turned into a sob. Esme was gone. I felt numb. Like the world had stopped moving around, like time stood still or everything was in slow motion. There was a dull ache in my chest, a cold spot right were my heart was. I slowly sank down on the small couch, my head in my hands, sobbing silently.
EsPOV
I had turned the radio on in the car to distract me, but the only songs playing were about love, so I turned it off again. But the silence was even worse. I sobbed silently. I was hurt by Carlisle's actions. Especially by him groping me just for the sake of it. I had never expected something like this from him.
I had not thought about what to do now, but I knew I needed time away from Carlisle, even if it was breaking my heart. I still loved him, more than my life, but I couldn't stay in this situation. Still, I was a second away from turning back and driving back home – to Carlisle. I missed him. I had missed him all the time these last weeks, but being separated from him by distance was even worse.
But I continued driving and sobbing. I didn't think about where I was going. There was only one place I knew I could go. Denali. They were as close as family, and I couldn't stand to be alone right now.
CPOV
I was still sitting in my office, head in my hands, body wrecked by sobs, when I heard Alice call out for me.
"Dad?" she asked lowly.
I didn't react. I couldn't. I felt numb, like I wasn't part of this world, but sitting in my own little bubble.
Esme's words stung, and her actions stung even more. I thought she understood me. My passion for my work, that I was needed at the hospital.
"Dad, are you okay?" Alice asked again and touched my shoulder.
"Yes…" I rasped and stood up, not meeting Alice's gaze.
"Okay…" she mumbled and left the room again.
After Alice was gone I locked the door. I wanted even the smallest bit of privacy I would get in this house. I wished I could shut Edward out just as easily. Knowing he was listening in to my thoughts was driving me crazy. I wanted to be alone.
I lay down on the small couch and curled up in a ball, closing my eyes. I felt like my chest was ripped open and tried desperately to stop this dull ache by wrapping my arms around myself.
EsPOV
It was dark when I finally turned into the driveway of the Denali's house in Canada. When I stopped I took a shaky breath before getting out. I had finally calmed down somewhat, but now I felt drained, empty and cold inside.
I went up to the front door and knocked. Just a moment later Eleazar opened. "Esme, what a lovely surprise? It's so good to see you! Where are the others? Carlisle?"
At that I broke down sobbing again. I more heard than saw Carmen rushing past Eleazar, taking me in her arms. "Esme what happened?" she asked.
Carmen and Eleazar sat me down on the couch in the living room, and I told them everything that had happened, interrupted by sobs. Carmen tried to comfort me, but nothing she said made me feel any better really.
"Of course you can stay here. As long as you wan,." Carmen said, as we sat in one of the guest rooms.
"Thank you, Carmen," I whispered.
"You and Carlisle fought really bad this time?" I nodded.
We had our arguments, but they were rare and normally we would make up soon after. But this time things were different. We had rarely ever fought this hard. And never one of us had left.
"I don't understand him…" I sobbed.
Carmen only held me and stroked my back. "Shh… " she whispered. "I'm sure you two will be fine."
I tried to nod, but I wasn't so sure. I tried to ignore the nagging fears in the back of my head but they were creeping up all the time. What if Carlisle didn't love me anymore? What if we weren't destined to be together for all eternity? What if it was simply over? Maybe Carlisle didn't feel the same way I felt for him anymore. Who knew? He had hardly touched me in these last weeks. Not even real kisses, not like we used to kiss. He only ever pecked me on the lips and even then it seemed like his mind was far away. I had no other explanation – he didn't love me anymore. I sobbed even more at that thought.
After I had calmed down and Carmen had left me alone, I lay on the bed in the guest room, staring out the window. I was curled up in a small ball, trying to tell myself that I didn't know if Carlisle had really stopped loving me. But once you had a thought like that, it was hard to get it out again.
CPOV
When dawn broke, I forced myself to get up again. I went into the bedroom Esme and I shared and cringed painfully at the sight of the empty bed. Esme was gone. I looked away and hurried in the attached bathroom, but even here everything reminded me of her. The shampoo on the shelves, her robe hanging at the door. I couldn't stand it. I hurried through my shower and then quickly got dressed. Before I left the room again, I quickly took a few of my clothes with me into my study. I couldn't stand to be in our room anymore. It hurt too much.
I wondered where Esme was. I was worried for her, even if I was still angry, and hurt. I sighed and sat down on the small couch again, my head in my hands. I remembered our last fight. It had been a simple argument. Yes, it got quite heated but we also made up soon after. Though Esme, and myself, too, appeared very calm, we could fight very passionately. And we used to love just as passionately. Not this time though. This time we only fought. I took a shuddering breath and wondered what had gone wrong. I loved Esme. I had loved her from the very first moment I saw her. She understood me like no one else. We completed each other. At least I thought so – until yesterday. I thought about how Esme had pushed me away and slapped me. I still felt the pain of that action.
I dressed into black slacks and a dark blue shirt. I didn't feel like wearing light colors today. My mood was too dark to appear cheery. Esme had exaggerated with her accusations, and I felt like she had been unfair. Spending long hours at work and being on-call was part of my job - I always thought she understood that when times were stressful I would spend more time at work. I shook my head and tried to clear my mind off the thoughts of Esme. As hurt as I was, I only hoped she was okay.
I took my coat and bag and left my study for the first time since… well, since yesterday.
"Where are you going?" Edward asked me as I passed him.
"I need to go to work," I replied.
"Maybe you shouldn't…" Edward started, but I quickly interrupted him.
"Edward. I am needed at work!" I said coolly.
"That's exactly why Esme left," Edward sneered. "Because your damn work is more important than even your wife!"
I didn't react in any way, but I felt like someone had just knocked all the breath out of me. I left without another word, reciting a poem by Blake in my head, refusing to let Edward see how hurt I was.
"Great! Run away again! Like you always do!" he yelled after me.
When I arrived at the hospital, though, my mind was everywhere but where it should be. I yearned for Esme. Edward's words made me think. I reflected on everything. Was it true? Had I left Esme alone all the time? Had I been distant and cold like she accused me?
I didn't really focus on anything I did at work. I was absent-minded. I couldn't focus on my work. Later that day I was called to an emergency. Without really paying attention, I instructed the nurse to give some medications and left. But I had just left the room when the older nurse touched my arm and stopped me.
"Dr. Cullen?" I reluctantly turned to her.
"Yes?" I asked a little roughly.
"Are you alright?" she asked me.
"Yes," I replied curtly. "Why?"
"Because you just instructed me to give the patient penicillin. She is highly allergic to it, it is marked in her file," she told me. This actually ripped me out of my thoughts for a moment. I stared at the nurse. "I didn't give her anything, but I paged Dr. Gerandy. Maybe you should go home for today, Dr. Cullen," she advised me. "You've worked a lot. Maybe you caught the flu too, you don't look too well."
I only nodded and went into my office. One look in the file confirmed what I had almost done. I was horrified. Normally it was easy for me to concentrate on several things all at once, but not this time it seemed. My head must be totally screwed up if even with my vampire abilities I couldn't concentrate. This woman could have died because of me. I shuddered and quickly left the hospital. But I couldn't go home, so instead I drove around town, clueless on where to go.
Finally I stopped somewhere on the outskirts of town. I drove a little bit off the road and stopped the car there. I hid my head in my hands and began to sob again. I played the events of the last weeks in my mind over and over again and realized Esme had been right. I had been distant and worked much more than I usually did. Esme must have felt hurt and pushed away by me. I was an idiot. I loved Esme more than anything else, and I hadn't realized that she was hurt by me. What kind of a husband was I?
I put my head on the steering wheel and shut my eyes tightly. I loved Esme. I would do anything for her. But I had hurt her. I had been ignorant and cold towards the woman that was worth more than everything else. I closed my eyes and wondered if she would forgive me. If she would even be able to. I had hurt her in terrible ways. I paid no attention to her needs and wants. To be honest, I even was too blind to see my own needs. Shutting Esme out only made matters worse.
I thought about Mr. Webber and how I had tried to save his life but couldn't. The pain of losing lives never got any better. And thinking about it now after everything, nearly crushed me. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. I needed Esme. I longed to be in her arms and feel her comfort me like she used to do.
I thought about how she had tried to get me to relax when I returned home from my shift the day before. I hardly acknowledged it. I only thought about my work.
EsPOV
I hadn't moved from my spot on the bed at all. In the early hours of the morning I'd heard the three Denali sisters coming home but they left me alone, probably because Carmen told them to.
They went hunting again around noon. A little later I heard Carmen and Eleazar laughing and teasing downstairs. They tried to keep it down, but I still heard it. After a while I decided to leave the house for a while and went outside into the forest. I didn't hunt. I didn't feel thirsty. I just wandered around like a sleepwalker.
When I returned to the house, I heard Carmen and Eleazar in their private room and hurried out again, close to breaking down. I sat down under a tree and sobbed. I longed for the same happiness with Carlisle. I wanted to be in his arms again and simply joke and laugh, kiss and cuddle and… just to feel loved again.
I had always thought that we were equals and could confide in each other, but Carlisle hadn't let me see how he felt for a while. And their happiness only brought up my nagging fear of losing him.
CPOV
I opened my eyes when I was ripped out of my suffering by a knock on the windows of my car. I rolled it down and found Chief Swan in front of me.
"Dr. Cullen," he said a little surprised. "Are you alright?"
I only nodded, running a hand through my messy hair. "I'm fine," I mumbled. "I just needed a few minutes to think…"
The Chief didn't seem to believe I was fine, but had no idea what to do either, so he simply nodded, wished me a good day and left me alone again.
I decided it was no use; I had to face my family sooner or later. I felt embarrassed by how Charlie Swan had found me, and wished that Alice would have called and told me what would happen or what to do, not only about the Chief but in general. Just at that exact moment I got a text. I glanced at my cell phone.
I'm sorry, but you have to work through this alone. Love, Alice.
I sighed and hid my head in my hands again. I had no idea what to do. I had no idea where to start, or even if Esme would take me back. If she still loved me after all I had done.
I slowly drove home and locked myself in my study again. Licking my wounds, I guess you could call it. I hated to drown in self-pity, but I felt so hopeless. My existence was useless without Esme and I was afraid she wouldn't forgive me. That's what stopped me from taking any action.
The next morning I called in sick. I couldn't go to work in my current state. Also because news had traveled fast in town. Somehow everyone seemed to know that Esme had left me. Somehow this made the whole thing crueler and more real to me.
JPOV
Listening to Carlisle's emotions was cruel, but at school we all had to listen to the whispered words of our classmates and sometimes even teachers. Everyone knew Esme had left. She'd been seen driving out of town by Mrs. Stanley, the biggest tattletale in town. Carlisle's slip-up at work hadn't helped the situation. Him ordering the wrong medication for a patient had been noticed, too, and now rumors stated that the famous Dr. Cullen had almost killed a patient because he was so confused by his wife leaving him.
At home Carlisle had not left his room since Chief Swan saw him at the side of the road. He was miserable, drowning in his pain and fear of having lost Esme.
"Isn't there anything we can do?" Edward asked miserably.
Alice shook her head. "They need to work this out on their own. If we interfere things will only get worse with time," she said again.
"Well, I can't really blame Esme for leaving. Carlisle was a real jackass lately!"
"Rosie…" Emmett said soothingly.
"What? It's the truth! He is a jackass for treating Esme the way he did."
"Hell, we fight, too… Come on, you never spoke so bad about me…" Emmett said, reaching out to touch her shoulder.
"But Carlisle is really miserable," I said slowly. "He's almost in physical pain." I winced from just thinking of what he felt all the time. Edward only nodded. I guessed Carlisle's thoughts were just as dark as his emotions.
"You could try to talk to him again, that's the only thing that doesn't change anything," Alice said.
CPOV
I heard the kids return from school, but didn't move from my spot on the couch. I had no motivation to do anything. Esme was the only thing on my mind. I missed her and I regretted everything I did. If I could turn back the time, I would do it without hesitation.
"Hey dad!" Emmett said cheerfully, as he suddenly entered my study, then he stopped. "Whoa, you need to hunt, seriously."
I shook my head. I was all right. And I didn't feel like hunting at all.
"Hey, you know you can't sulk in here forever," Emmett said. "Why don't you just go and get her back?"
I sighed. "I have no idea if Esme even wants me back…" I mumbled.
"Well, you won't find out by sitting here. And come on, I know mom loves you. And you love her too, don't you?"
"Of course!" I said quickly. I loved Esme. I would never stop loving her. No matter how things were between us.
"Then buck up and get her back! You miss her, you look terrible just because she's not here and I bet my lazy ass Esme is no better, either…" Emmett said passionately.
I looked down, for once not minding Emmett's language. "I don't even know where to start… what to tell her or even where to find her…" I sighed, feeling fear and desperation drown me once again.
"Man, dad… if you were mom, where would you go? All alone, probably needing someone to comfort you… huh?"
Suddenly I looked up. "Carmen and Eleazar!" I said quickly, filled with hope for a moment. "The Denali's."
Emmett groaned. "Finally! Now hurry and make up with mom!" Emmett said with a wink, before disappearing.
I didn't even notice. I had other things on my mind. I stood up and grabbed my coat that was lying on the floor. I was still wearing the clothes I had worn on my last day at the hospital. The black slacks and dark blue shirt, only the tie I had tossed away some time ago.
EsPOV
When Carmen knocked the first time, I simply ignored her. I wasn't in the mood for talking. She still came inside my room. I didn't have the strength to tell her to leave. It seemed I had no strength at all left. I hurt everywhere. My whole body hurt.
"Esme…" Carmen said softly as she sat down beside me. "How are you feeling?"
I shrugged. I wasn't really feeling anything at all. Carlisle hadn't called or anything. He hadn't made any attempt to get me back it seemed. This could only mean that he didn't love me.
"I'm sure everything will work out…" Carmen whispered.
I sobbed. "How can it?" I asked. "He didn't call, or anything…"
Carmen softly stroked my back. "Carlisle loves you…"
"I don't know…" I admitted in a raw voice. "He was so… distant… and cold… like I didn't mean anything to him. He hardly acknowledged my presence…" I cried and began to tell Carmen everything that I had felt lately. She only held and comforted me as best she could, but even she couldn't take away the pain. I couldn't live without Carlisle. If he didn't love me anymore what sense did this life hold?
It was the third day now and I hadn't heard anything from Carlisle. I wondered if he missed me at all… Maybe he was even happy I was gone, he could work as much as he loved to now… I curled up in a ball again, wanting to force these images from my head. A happy Carlisle, happy because I was gone. Vampires couldn't die from anything other than fire but I still wondered if there ever was a vampire who died from heartbreak.
CPOV
I ignored every speed limit as I left town and sped towards Alaska. Emmett had finally ripped me out of my lethargy. He was right. If I didn't do anything, I would never know what Esme would say. And I might never get her back.
But the closer I got to Alaska, the more nervous I became. Questions and nightmare-scenarios were chasing each other around in my head. I had hurt Esme in an awful way. I wouldn't blame her if she decided that she couldn't forgive me this time. Honestly, I could never blame her for anything. Esme hadn't done anything wrong. I had fucked up everything. I had ignored and neglected the most important thing in my life. My wife.
I'd waited so long for her and when I found her that day in the morgue I couldn't believe it. I had to change her, no matter if she hated me when she woke up. I couldn't believe my luck when she didn't. Instead she… loved me. I felt like I was finally complete. Like a piece of me had been missing without Esme, one that was missing again since she had left.
She had taken my heart with her and left me an empty shell. I needed Esme. I needed her like others needed oxygen. I had to do whatever it took to get her back. I would do everything in my power for her… if only she told me that she would forgive me.
It seemed that with every mile I got closer to the Denali's my nervousness doubled. It got so bad that I was almost feeling queasy.
About an hour away from my destination, a heavy rain started that forced me to drive slower. There was the danger of hydroplaning, and even I couldn't do much against that. It wouldn't do any good to end up having to deal with a wreck.
The weather got worse and it was becoming hard to see ahead, even with my enhanced senses. Mother Nature must have had something against me. I drove another 10 or 15 miles until I stopped on the side of the road. I shook my head as I looked outside the car's windows. The sky was almost black and heavy rain was pouring down making the street a wide river. I got out of the car, locked it and ran began to run. Within seconds I was soaked to the bones.
EsPOV
I stared at the black sky and the heavy rain running down the window. It reflected my mood perfectly. Like all joy had vanished from this world. It was slowly getting dark, well, it couldn't really get any darker with the storm going on, but it was almost nightfall now.
I felt lonely. I hadn't even heard from any of the kids. Not Alice, not Edward… nobody. And I hadn't dared to contact them. I feared another rejection.
CPOV
I finally spotted the house in the distance and slowed down a bit. I was afraid of what would happen. If Esme said she couldn't… no, I mustn't think like that. I needed her. Shaking slightly, I approached the house and knocked on the front door.
After a moment, Carmen opened the door. She looked at me with surprise evident on her face.
"Is she here?" I asked lowly.
Carmen nodded. "Upstairs. Come in," she whispered back.
I sighed in relief and closed my eyes for a little moment. I followed Carmen inside, but stopped at the staircase. I was afraid. If my heart could beat it would have pounded out of my chest.
"Go to her. Esme loves you," Carmen said quietly and squeezed my arm.
I nodded. I hoped she still did. Both dreading and desiring to reach Esme, I went upstairs. Shaking with anxiety, I knocked on the guest room door. There was no reply, so I simply opened the door.
"Esme?" I asked, as I stepped inside the room.
EsPOV
I turned around and saw Carlisle standing in the room. He looked like he had been drowned. His clothes were soaked and dripping on the wooden floor, his hair unruly and he had dark shadows under his eyes, which were also pitch black. He looked terrible. I watched him take a shaky breath, and I had no idea what to say. I didn't even really know how to feel. I still felt hurt by how he had treated me, but he was here. He had come for me. I was so relieved to see him that it was almost enough to forgive him.
"I'm sorry…" Carlisle murmured defeated. "I'm so sorry, I was an idiot… I… I hurt you and I treated you like… like I didn't care for you, but I do… Esme, you are the most important thing in my life. I… I waited so long until I found you, and only then did I feel… whole. I promised to treat you the way you deserved, to never hurt you – but I still did and I am so very sorry. I don't know why I acted like I did. It was stupid. I was ignorant and cold – I was a fool. I will take more time off, even quit, I…"
At that I interrupted Carlisle. "No. Carlisle, I know how much you love your work and I don't want you to quit…" Carlisle opened his mouth, but I stopped him from saying anything. I knew he would tell me would do it for me. I knew he would, but I didn't want that. "You love your work, you need it, it makes you who you are – it makes you the man I love, but it hurt when you acted so cold and distant towards me. Towards all of us, really. I thought you knew that you could talk to me about anything, that I would listen to you if you'd a hard day, but instead you locked yourself up in your study and shut me out. That's what hurt the most – your lack of trust. I felt like you didn't trust me anymore…"
"I do," Carlisle said quickly. "God, I never wanted that! I just… I didn't want to put this all on you. I had a terribly stressful time, and I didn't want to come home and moan about my day. I thought I could simply work everything out on my own. I didn't want to bother you."
I got up and stood in front of Carlisle. "I am your wife. I am here to comfort you, to support you, like you did so often with me. I want to be there for you, because I love you, Carlisle," I told him gently, reaching out to touch his cheek.
Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment, relishing my touch. "I was the biggest fool out there, right?" he asked as he looked at me again. I didn't reply but I guess he could still see the answer in my eyes. "I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" he asked with a raspy voice and a glimpse of fear in his eyes.
I smiled, throwing my arms around him. "I already have," I whispered.
Carlisle took a shaky breath and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I didn't care that he was soaking through my clothes. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was here again. That we would be fine.
"I am sorry…" Carlisle repeated over and over again, as his body shook with silent sobs.
I couldn't say anything as I sobbed into his shirt. Now that all my fears and worries had been proved wrong I could only feel grateful for having my Carlisle back.
CPOV
I couldn't believe my luck. Esme was really forgiving me for the way I had treated her. I vowed to myself to never do it again. I would never hurt her like that again. I could not risk losing her. I would not survive that a second time.
We had moved to the bed where we were sitting now, talking about what had caused all this mess. I had finally told Esme about my awful day and the loss of my patient. Remembering it reopened the wounds, and this time I let Esme comfort me. She was holding on to me while I tried to explain my strange behavior.
We talked for hours, until everything between us was out in the open. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I just lay there, holding Esme in my arms, grateful I still could. Outside, the storm had finally calmed down. The night was clouded, but at least it wasn't raining anymore. My clothes were hanging over the heater to dry and I was sitting wrapped in a blanket with Esme in my arms. Not because I was cold, but simply for comfort.
Esme and I spent the night talking and also enjoying the closeness of each other. We talked and cuddled on the bed. I had missed it. And in that moment I realized just how much I needed Esme. How had I ever gotten the crazy idea that I could work everything out on my own? I needed Esme. I never wanted to fight with her again. And I would never be so stupid as to behave like I did.
I glanced at Esme and softly kissed her temple. "I love you," I whispered in the silence.
Esme smiled. "And I love you, even if you can be ignorant, cold and ridiculously foolish sometimes – I still love you," she replied and kissed me sweetly.
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