A/N: So here's the next instalment from the extraordinary MeraNaamJoker! Enjoy :)

Chapter 4 - Bella's POV

The minute I sent the text to Jake, I wished there were take-backs in the real world. You've got oatmeal in your hair? Really, Bella? For God's sake, come up with another way to sound like a total big sister figure, just in case he didn't already think of you like that. The way he couldn't wait to get out of the house after we brought Charlie home should've been my first clue. At least he'd stuck around for the cookies - if the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, I was halfway there. Personally, I was pretty sure it was through his dick but I could be wrong. Maybe I'd get the chance to try the theory... probably not.

For a second in Wal-Mart I'd wondered if maybe the attraction I felt wasn't a one-way street. When he leaned in and brushed my nose with his own, I almost went for his mouth instead, but then he squeezed my hand and I realized it was a show for Mike's benefit. That didn't stop me from wanting to take advantage of the situation. When he told me "I'm ready" with the sex voice, I nearly jumped him right there in the store with the excuse that he was my pretend boyfriend.

I went into the kitchen and washed my hands, still thinking about it. Well, okay. Probably I wouldn't really have jumped him till we got back to the truck... where he held my hand to his chest and stared at my mouth. That all screamed pre-kiss behavior to me, but he broke the spell with that crack about Lance Bass and then kept the conversation determinedly superficial for the rest of the trip. Not that I objected to small talk. It was easier to cope with than mixed signals. And anyway, I didn't trust myself not to wilfully misinterpret them.

I put the frying pan for the meat on the stove and turned the burner on. As I opened the fridge and started taking out ingredients, I rolled my eyes at myself. Most likely, he was just one of those guys who had so many girls throwing themselves at him that touching them was part of his normal conversation with females. If I'd been forty and had a goiter, he still would've hugged me when I started crying about Charlie like a big baby. And kissed me. On top of my head. Like a sister. Damn it, damn it, damn it. I grabbed a knife, cut into the ground meat with unnecessary force, and nearly sliced my finger off in the process. Thank God I wasn't as clumsy as I used to be or it would've been another trip to the ER for me. I dumped the meat into the frying pan and smiled. It was funny now. Renée used to joke she was going to buy stock in Banner Health Systems when I was in high school.

Oh shit. Renée! I hadn't called her since the obligatory "I got into town" conversation to let her know the trip hadn't killed me. I washed my hands of raw meat and picked up my cell again to dial.

She answered on the fifth ring. "Hey, baby!"

I smiled. "Hey, Renée. What're you doing?"

"Oh, you know, it's Thursday so that's tai chi. I'm pulling into the driveway at home now. How's Charlie?"

Where the hell did I put my bluetooth? "That's cool. Learn anything new?" While she enthused, I walked upstairs and started pawing through my bag. I always kept it in the outside pocket of my purse... except it wasn't there. Weird. If I didn't flip that meat, though, it would burn, so I had to quit looking and head back downstairs again.

"And that's when Andrea said that if I didn't start focusing on balancing my yin and yang - "

"Renée," I interrupted, chopping garlic while cradling my phone against my shoulder. "Did you remember to put on your hormone cream today?"

"I... think so..."

She didn't sound too sure. "Well, did you mark off the check box on the calendar thingy?" The "calendar thingy" was actually a huge desk calendar that I gave her every year for Christmas (along with other, less lame presents) so that she had a visual reminder of everything she needed to do. Of course, I also ended up filling in all the agenda, but that was okay.

"Hold on, baby, I just walked in the front door. Let me check... No, I didn't."

Jeez. She needed a freaking babysitter when I wasn't around. "Well, check the other days before this. Did you mark them off?"

"Um... yes."

"So probably you didn't do it this morning." Careful to keep my tone in the "mild suggestion" range, I added, "Why don't you go ahead and put it on now, so you don't get distracted and forget?"

"Okay, sure, that sounds good. Oh! I almost forgot! Did they release Charlie today?"

I suppressed the momentary flash of anger that wanted to flare up at her carelessness while I dumped the garlic off the cutting board into the sizzling meat. Renée was Renée, and that wouldn't change, so there was no point in getting pissed off at her at this late date. "Yeah, they sure did. Ruby needs a new battery so I had to catch a ride with Jacob Black. It was really nice of him to do that because Dad was in Port Angeles and - "

"Jacob Black?" she interrupted, and my heart sank. I knew that particular tone of voice. "As in, Billy and Sarah Black's son?"

"Uh-huh." Please don't ask please don't ask -

She asked. "So is he as good-looking as his dad used to be? My God, Billy had these abs that you just wanted to paint with barbecue sauce and lick like a - "

"Oh my God, Mother! Please stop, now, before I throw up!" I suppressed a full-body shudder. "I don't know what his abs look like."

"But would you like to?" she pressed. I realized then that her best friend instinct had kicked in; through the information divulged in two sentences from me, she had somehow divined how I felt about Jake.

The urge to confide in someone was unbearable. I checked to make sure Charlie was still asleep and, while I chopped onions, gave in to the stupid giggles that wanted to attack every time I saw that boy. "Yeah, I sure would. Seriously, you would not believe how hot he is now. Last time I saw him he was a little heavy-metal nerdling and now he's all, like, Quileute god with mad mechanical skills and arms like... I don't even know what they're like because every time I see them, my mind goes blank."

Renée squealed. I smiled in response as I added the onions to the pan and went to rinse off the cutting board. "I knew it! Bella, this could be exactly what you need to get over that tool Travis - "

"Renée, please don't ever use the term 'tool' unless you're referring to auto repair."

"Whatever. He is. I say you use Jacob as your sex slave the entire time you're visiting your dad - "

I couldn't stop laughing. "Oh my God, are you really saying this to me or am I trapped in a terrible nightmare?" I teased.

" - of course that's assuming he has the time, because if he's at all like Billy I'm sure he's got girls pretending to 'break down' in front of his house so they can make a phone call or whatever they say now that everybody's got cell phones, so Jake's bound to have just as many begging for him to - "

I jerked my head in shock and my phone fell into the sink. "Shit!" I screeched, grabbing it out of the running water and staring at it. Yup, totally fried. "Shit, shit, shit."

"What the hell is wrong in there?" Charlie demanded from his chair.

"Oh God. I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't mean to wake you." I turned around and waved the phone at him in despair. "I dropped my phone in the sink."

He made a sympathetic face. "Do you have a warranty?"

"I do, but there aren't any stores for my carrier here in Forks. I'm gonna have to go back to Port Ange and..." Crap. Except for that teeny little detail of... "My car battery's dead." Why hadn't I picked up a new one while we were at Wal-Mart? Oh, that's right. Damn Mike Newton and his grabby self. If I hadn't been so eager to escape from him I might have remembered.

"I'd offer you the cruiser, but..."

"Yeah, but." There was no way in hell I was taking that cruiser anywhere. While I called Renée on the land line and reassured her, I turned my options over in my head, but there was no getting around it. Once I hung up the phone, I turned to Charlie. "Dad, what's the Blacks' home number?"

I finished making the lasagna before I called, but once I stuck it into the oven I couldn't put off picking up the phone any longer. I hated talking on the phone to anyone besides my mother. Texting was invented specifically for me. Come to think of it, this might have something to do with why Travis had dumped me via online methods. Maybe he'd tried to call and I had my phone on silent.

Nah. Renée was right, he was a tool.

Okay. I could do this. I wiped my sweaty palms on my skirt - Jake hadn't seemed to notice it one way or another so I couldn't decide if it had been worthwhile - and picked up the receiver.

Billy answered. "Hello?" He sounded surprised, probably because nobody ever called their landline anymore.

Don't think about Billy's abs don't think about Billy's abs - shit. Too late. "Um, hi, Billy. It's Bella. Swan." Oh God, I was such an idiot. Like he knew any other Bellas.

"Hey there Bella! How's the Chief?"

"He's not too bad, just taking a nap. Um, actually, I was wondering if I could talk to Jake? Is he there?"

He chuckled. "For you, I'm sure he will be."

Yeah, I'd just bet Jake was ducking phone calls from unwanted admirers all day long. I waited while Billy called his son. When I heard Jake respond, my heart confirmed its stupidity by speeding up to dangerous levels.

"It's your girlfriend," I heard Billy say, muffled. My cheeks got hot.

"Which one?" Jake responded, laughter in his husky voice. My heart stopped pounding and sank into my stomach.

"Bella Swan."

"No shit? Give me the phone. Quit it. Dad, I'm serious, give me the damn phone. Holy hell, you're so annoying." Some staticky noises, and then finally, "Hey, B. How are you?"

"I'm okay, I guess." That sounded so pathetic but I couldn't muster up anything better. "I have a huge, huge favor to ask you."

"Anything," he answered instantly.

That made me smile. He was so... not nice, because that was something people said about emasculated guys with reedy voices. Kind. That was the right word, and I didn't care how cheesy it was that I thought it. "I broke my phone, and - "

"Bad karma for that message you sent me," he interrupted.

I laughed. "My mom would probably agree with you. Anyway, I dropped it in the sink and now it's drowned, so I need to go to the store in Port Angeles and get it replaced, if you're up for giving me a ride. Plus maybe we could stop by Auto Zone or something and get a battery for Ruby. I'll pay for the gas and everything. Oh, plus I'll have lasagna if you want to have dinner, after. And I'm really sorry I didn't think to get one when we were at Wal-Mart before."

"Who could blame you for wanting to get away from Newton as quick as possible? It's no problem. What time should I pick you up?"

After we worked out the details, I hung up the phone. Charlie woke up again and looked up at me. "What's got you so happy?"

I realized I had a goofy grin on my face, caused by the prospect of two hours alone in a truck with Jacob Black. I tried to get it under control, probably with minimal success, and walked over to the lounge chair to pat his head gently. "Nothing. Just glad I'm here with you."

"Yeah, right," he snorted, but he looked pleased.

Getting Charlie up the stairs, in and out of the bathroom, and into bed was exhausting for both of us, but totally worth it once he settled back with a huge grin on his face. "Hell, yes," he muttered, closing his eyes. "A mattress that isn't covered in vinyl."

He fell asleep before I got out of the room. I tried to imagine Jacob, helping his dad with this sort of thing every day since he was barely out of elementary school. How had I not noticed when I was up here before? Well, guess I was a typical self-centered kid back then. Now, though, I was a grown-up and I was having a very grown-up reaction to the boy. Man. Whatever. I was ready to nominate him for sainthood after hearing about all that he'd been through with his dad. Too bad I didn't having anything on a similar level with which to attract Mr. Perfect. So I ran my mom's life and showed up once in five years to help my dad when he got shot. Big deal. That was nothing compared to Jacob.

I worked myself into a tizzy of insecurity by the time I finished getting ready for bed. Once I flipped off the lamp beside my bed, I stared at the ceiling overhead for what seemed like forever. Even when I closed my eyes, trying to force my brain to shut down, all I saw was Jacob's face, Jacob's arms, Jacob's hands, Jacob's back when his t-shirt rode up as he bent over Ruby's engine... Oh God. I crossed my legs against the throbbing ache that had developed between them, and then wondered why I bothered. Like ignoring it would help anything. Sighing, I rolled over to pull open my nightstand drawer and took out my vibrator. At least this way I wouldn't pull Jake into a full-body embrace the instant I saw him, out of sheer desperation.

Although, that sounded pretty good. No, no, it was a bad idea. Good Lord, Bella, have a little self-respect. The thought had me wound up so tight, though, that when I slipped my hand inside my underwear, I bit my lip to hold back a moan. If only he could just magically show up in my room. I almost laughed at the thought, even as my fingers moved through the gathering moisture there - what was he going to do, jump through the window? - but then I remembered that it didn't really matter how he got inside as long as he joined me in bed at his earliest convenience. I was pretty sure I'd be close to coming the instant that big, hard body overlaid my own. If he so much as kissed my neck, I'd go up in flames, and if he put his hands on me... I slid a finger inside myself and moaned. Oh God, I was so wet now that I was going to have to change my panties. Surrendering to the inevitable, I kicked them off and flicked my vibrator on, pressing it to my swollen clit. It didn't take much time - Jacob's hands on my breasts, Jacob pushing inside me, Jacob's expression when he gripped my shoulders and came - before I shuddered through my orgasm, doing my best not to make any noise that would force Charlie and I to endure the most awkward breakfast of our lives in the morning. I dropped my vibrator on the mattress next to me and fell asleep almost before the aftershocks faded.

The next morning, I woke up wondering why I was so excited. Then I remembered: Jacob was coming to pick me up at ten. I dressed with way more care than was warranted, given his total lack of reaction yesterday, and then got Charlie fed and situated in his chair. Once he had his coffee at hand, plus a sandwich for later and a copy of Field and Stream, he seemed happy enough.

When the knock came, I had been standing next to the door for ten minutes, but I forced myself to count to five before swinging it open. "Hey! How're you?"

His sunny smile was almost better than a break from Forks' rain. "Awesome. Are you ready to go?" At my nod, he peeked around the door to say, "Hey, Charlie! Feeling all right?"

Charlie grunted.

"Good to know!" Jacob responded. I giggled. Again. Damn it. He grabbed my hand and led the way down the steps. I tried to keep my breathing even while I followed him out to the truck. Get over it, Bella, he holds girls' hands all the time. Probably to keep them from grabbing his ass.

The one concession he'd made to modernity in the truck was to install a CD player instead of the ancient push-button radio that had undoubtedly occupied the space before. "Want to pick?" he asked, handing me a CD book before pulling out of the driveway.

I flipped through the pages, half-dreading finding Metallica's entire musical library from cover to cover. Instead, he had a pretty decent selection of different genres. There was a lone Metallica: Greatest Hits in the mix but I decided I could overlook that. I pulled out Thrice's Alchemy Index: Volume II and showed him. "Is this okay?"

"Sure. I wouldn't have it in there if I didn't like it." He took the disc from me and put it into the player. "Did Charlie sleep okay last night?"

I nodded. "He did all right. I heard him get up once but probably he's so relieved not to be catheterized anymore that he was just pissing for fun." Jake burst into laughter, and I grinned with accomplishment. "He swore he'd be okay for the couple hours it'll take to do this, but I don't want to take too long." Translation: I didn't want to take up too much of Jake's time. He was being really nice, but I knew he had to have other things (other girls) to do. And holy crap, could I be any more obsessive about the other women thing? I needed to quit this or I'd drive myself crazy.

His eyebrows furrowed. "Oh. Okay." He pressed down on the accelerator a little more; it was only then I noticed that he'd been going five miles under the speed limit.

He didn't seem to want to say anything else. The Silence of Doom fell over the cab, unbreakable without increasing the awkwardness. This was so weird. Jake and I had always been able to talk to each other before, always.

Finally he cleared his throat. "So how were your classes last semester?"

I turned to him eagerly, grateful for the opening. "Oh, they were great! Well, except for Political Geography. That was probably the most boring course I've taken since I went to college, and that's including Probability and Statistics. But my other courses were fun."

"What were they?"

"Communication, Literature Critical Appreciation, Art History, and..." I trailed off as I realized where I was going with this.

"And what?" he asked, turning to me.

I sighed internally. "Human Sexuality."

His response was everything I'd expected. He was an eighteen-year-old guy, after all. A huge grin spread across his face as he exclaimed, "Seriously? I bet that was awesome! I wish you still had the textbook; I'd want to look at it. For educational purposes."

"Oh, yeah, absolutely," I pretended to agree. "I bet the up-close-and-personal color photographs of different vulvas from twenty women would help you finally find that thing they keep asking you to rub."

"I found that a while back," he replied, still grinning. Was I imagining the quick sweep of his gaze down between my legs and back up again? "I wouldn't object to a similar spread of other guys' junk, though. It's always nice to confirm that the third ball is perfectly normal."

I gaped. I wanted to make a snappy comeback, but instead I felt my face get redder and redder as I tried and failed not to picture his undoubtedly non-mutant balls and... everything else. The amusement faded from his face when he glanced over. He was probably thinking I was the lamest girl ever. "It must be nice... to have pictorial proof," I finally croaked out.

He shook his head in disapproval. "Not up to your usual standards but it'll have to do. What was the most useful thing you learned in that class?"

Guilt-free masturbation and how to properly pronoun-ize transsexuals was the answer to that one, but there was no way I was going to share it. "Probably the different societal factors that go into people's perceptions of sexuality. Like, there are these people - I think they're Pacific Islanders but I can't remember for sure - where it's totally normal for a boy to lose his virginity at around age thirteen to an older woman. A much older woman..." Oh my God. What the hell was I saying? How did I keep doing this to myself?

"Older women. Nice." He was smirking at me. That was definitely a smirk. Did he think I was hinting? Had I been hinting?

"Yeah, um... So that was interesting." I stared at my hands, twisted white-knuckled in my lap, and bit my lip. I'm not usually this dumb, I wanted to tell him. I'm not that awkward fifteen-year-old girl who had to get drunk to have fun with you. I can talk and everything now. Just not to you, for some unknown reason.

But I couldn't say it. I felt stupid and un-fun and incompetent. Fucking Travis. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for a teenager to break my self-imposed silence. I would just leap into said teenager's arms at the slightest sign of interest. I'd never engaged in casual sex and now seemed like a good time to try it. Only, with Jake I had a feeling it wouldn't remain casual, at least not on my side.

"Hey." His hand intruded into my visual space, overlaying my own. "It sounds really interesting. And I'm not just saying that from the horny guy perspective." He rubbed my fingers with his thumb. "Did you like your professors?"

He kept the conversation flowing the entire way into Port Angeles, and eventually I loosened up enough to be able to tease him the way I normally did. When we hit the outskirts of town, he asked, "So what was your favorite part of the Appreciative Criticism thing?"

I laughed. Somehow I'd ended up squashed against his side again but I couldn't remember how. "Critical Appreciation. I loved the poetry unit. We learned to analyze all sorts of great poems. Some were really beautiful. It helped me look at a lot of songs differently. Like, did you know the last song on this CD is a sonnet?"

"I did know that." He paused. "Because I read the Wikipedia entry on the band."

That made me giggle again, but I was past worrying about it. "And I learned about Theodore Roethke, which would've made the class worthwhile in and of itself."

"Who's he?"

"A poet. He wrote one of my all-time favorite poems, 'The Waking.' I even memorized it, so that I would always have it on hand." The instant the words left my mouth, I winced. That sounded so ridiculous.

Jake didn't seem to think so. "Say it for me, then." He put on his blinker and turned into a strip mall parking lot.

"No, you won't like it, probably." I shrugged uncomfortably. Somehow revealing my tastes in poetry felt intimate, like showing my underwear or something.

"Why wouldn't I like it?" He sounded a little indignant. "You don't know that. C'mon, tell me."

He was right. I was making assumptions. I took a deep breath and obediently recited the whole thing while he parked and shut the engine off, ending with: "This shaking keeps me steady. I should know./ What falls away is always. And is near./ I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow./ I learn by going where I have to go."

"That's really cool," he said after a moment, and I suppressed a brief twinge of disappointment before he continued, "So he's saying that the only way you can learn what you need to know for your life is by living your life and not overthinking everything."

"Right," I said, trying not to look too shocked at his analysis. "He's pointing out that our fate is unknowable, and so to fear it is pointless."

"So we should just roll with life?"

I smiled. "Yeah, literally. Like he says 'I wake to sleep' - he's talking about the beauty in cyclical, animalistic, simple ways of living, and equating our experience of the arc of life with other forms of being."

The furrow in Jake's brow fell away. "Because we shouldn't think of ourselves as outside of nature, we should be part of it." He paused. "That's a great poem. I love it."

I realized a moment too late that we were both grinning at each other like idiots. And that any vague hope of me not falling in love with Jacob Black had just evaporated like rain in the desert.