Chapter Fourteen
Jitters
OOO
Room 417
St. Vincent's Hospital, Manhattan
4:43 A.M., November 22, 2005
"I said no! Now go away."
It was faint, but Kathy immediately recognized her husband's voice. She glanced at the children and could tell that Maureen was the only one who had heard it. Kathleen and the twins were still too sleepy to notice much of anything.
As she passed a visitor's lounge, she guided her three youngest children into it. "You three wait here. Maureen, come with me."
"No fair!" Dickie complained. "Why does she get to go with you?"
"Because she is the oldest and I said so," Kathy insisted. "Now you stay here and don't leave this room. You all better be sitting on that couch when I get back. If one of you is missing, you're all getting grounded, is that clear?"
She left without getting an answer, Maureen trailing a step behind her.
"What do you think is wrong?" Maureen asked as she speeded up to keep pace with her mother.
"We'll find out when we get in there."
"Please, just leave me alone," Elliot's voice carried down the hall.
"He sounds scared," Maureen commented.
Kathy didn't respond. They were just a few steps from Elliot's room, and when they got there, rather than knocking, Kathy just pushed through the door.
"Mr. Stabler, if you don't calm down, I will call in an orderly to restrain you," said a rotund little woman in a white uniform. "I just want to start an IV so the anesthesiologist can give you your meds when they take you into the OR. It's only saline."
"Kathy, please I can't do this today. Please don't make me do this. I want to go home." Elliot was trembling and near tears, cowering away from the IV nurse.
Kathy crossed the room to stand between him and the woman with the needle. She put her arms around her husband and said, "It's all right, Baby, you don't have to. I won't make you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."
"Mrs. Stabler, thank goodness you're here. Maybe you can talk some sense into him."
"What's your name, please?" Kathy asked in an overly cordial tone that told Maureen she was mad as hell.
"Mimi."
"Well, Mimi, I do believe my husband asked you to go away. Now I am asking you to stay away," she said as she continued to gently rub her husband's back. "As a matter of fact, on your way out, tell the person who coordinates all of this that, when he does decide to go through with the surgery, he'll need someone else to start the IV."
"But he signed a consent form," Mimi said.
"I don't care what he signed," Kathy said forcefully, "and I don't care if we have to go find a new surgeon at a different hospital, you won't be treating him again. Now leave."
"Well, we'll just have to see what Doctor Wells has to say about all this," Mimi muttered as she waddled away in a huff.
"You do that," Kathy said as Maureen held the door for her, "and while you're at it, have her sign his discharge papers. He'll be going home."
"Go, Mom!" Maureen softly exclaimed in admiration, but Kathy didn't seem to hear her. She was already busy fussing over her frightened husband.
"I'm sorry, Kathy, I'm sorry," Elliot murmured in a small voice.
"It's ok, Baby," Kathy assured him. "It's ok. You don't have to apologize."
For several minutes, Maureen stood in the corner feeling useless as her mother gently coaxed her father back from the brink of tears.
Finally, in a steadier voice, he said, "I'm sorry about that. I just got so scared."
"Elliot, you were scared about surgery," Kathy told him. "That's normal."
He nodded, grateful for her acceptance. "Can you take me home now?" he asked hopefully.
Smiling ruefully, Kathy said, "That's going to be a bit of a problem. Kathleen and the twins are here."
"I thought your mom was going to come over and stay with them," Elliot frowned.
"That was the plan," Kathy agreed, "but when I got up this morning, they were already dressed and waiting for me. I couldn't tell them no."
"So, what are we going to do?" he asked.
"Well, if you can hang in there long enough to see them, I can bring them in here, let them say good morning, and then leave Maureen with you while I take them to Mom's. We'll let them go through the day thinking everything is going as planned. By the time I get back, you should be signed out and ready to go."
"That will work for now," Maureen told her mom, "but what are you going to tell them when they get home from school and he still hasn't had the surgery."
"I don't know, but I'm sure I'll think of something by three o'clock."
"But, Mom, you're planning to lie to them!" Maureen gasped in shock.
Kathy gave her husband another kiss on the forehead and a reassuring squeeze on the arm. Then she crossed the room, took her daughter by the elbow and led her out into the hall.
"Maureen, I hope to God you never have to face anything like this. If you do, maybe you will handle it better, but don't judge me now. Your brother and sisters take their cue from your dad and me, and now you. They already know we're worried, or they wouldn't have been up at four in the morning to come with us. If they find out he's too afraid to go through with the surgery, they're going to be frightened, too."
"Mom, some things in life are just scary," Maureen reminded her.
"I know, and as their parent, it's my job to protect them from those things for as long as I can. If you hadn't heard him yelling, I would have put you in the lounge with the others. Believe me, Maureen, I don't like lying to my kids, but the earth could be falling into the sun, and I would tell you all it was going to be ok until the planet burst into flames because it's my job to make you feel safe and protected.
"Now, I can't do anything to keep you from telling them what you saw in there, but I am asking you to help me out with this. If you think about how you felt to see your father so upset, maybe you'll decide not to put your little sisters and brother through that."
Kathy pressed her lips together nervously and prayed her daughter would make the right decision.
After a moment of hesitation, the young woman answered, "Ok, Mom, I'll play along, but if they catch you in a lie, how are they ever going to trust you again?"
"You never caught me," Kathy told her.
Maureen's jaw dropped in shock for a moment. The tone her mother had used suggested that it happened a little more often than she might have imagined. Then her eyes lit with comprehension. She had always felt safe growing up because her parents didn't lay their troubles on her.
Nodding, she said, "Ok, I think I get it. You can count on me, Mom."
Kissing her daughter on the cheek, Kathy said, "Thank you, Sweetie. I knew you would understand. Now go get your brother and sisters, but take your time about it. I need a minute to get your dad ready for them."
Maureen nodded, and began to walk slowly down the hall. If they asked what had taken so long, she would tell them their dad had to change out of his pj's and into the hospital gown.
An Ill Wind
There was a soft knock at the door and Elliot called, "Come in." When he saw who it was, his stomach did a flip-flop and his heart was in his throat.
"Hi," Doctor Wells said with a smile and a tone that indicated that she was genuinely pleased to see him and that she didn't mind at all that he was totally mucking up her day and it wasn't even six o'clock yet. "I understand that you are havin' some second thoughts about the surgery." She crossed the room and glanced at his chart.
Elliot shifted nervously, winced at the pain from his ribs, and said, "Yeah."
"Ok, that's all right," Teddy told him and smiled again as she came to stand beside his bed.
Maureen moved closer and took her dad's hand, and somehow, that gave Elliot the courage to elaborate.
"I know it needs to be done," he admitted, "but I just don't think I can go through with it today."
"That's fine, Elliot," the doctor assured him. "I told you yesterday that it doesn't have to be done right away. As long as you are comfortable with your decision, I'm good with it. I'll let you know when it becomes urgent." Acutely aware that her patient needed himself and his fears to stop being the focus of the discussion, she looked to the young woman at his bedside.
"I can tell by the resemblance that you are either the big sister of the three I met yesterday evenin' or you're this guy's baby sister." She smiled and indicated Elliot with a tilt of her head so he could remain part of the conversation if he wished.
"Maureen's my oldest," he said proudly. "She was parking the car last night when you came by. She's a . . . junior?" He looked to his daughter and when she nodded, he finished his thought, "A junior at Hudson. Maureen, this is Doctor Wells. She's going to fix my hand, uh, sometime soon."
"Teddy, short for Theodora," the doctor said, extending her hand for Maureen to shake. "Hudson is a good school. What's your major?"
"Psychology," Maureen replied and looked at her father defiantly, "not that anyone else I know shares any enthusiasm for it."
Elliot shrugged and rolled his eyes slightly. "Your mother and I just want you to be happy," he said, and then muttered, "and get a job."
Maureen sighed and addressed the doctor. "There are several careers that interest me," she said, "I just haven't been able to choose a direction yet."
"Oh? What are you considerin'," Teddy asked, sounding genuinely curious about the young woman's plans.
"Well, I think I would make a good school psychologist," she said. "I have had lots of practice dealing with my sisters and brother, and I've thought about going on for a Master's degree in social work, if I can find a grant or a fellowship or something. In the next couple of weeks, I should find out whether I've been accepted for an internship with Victim Services in Queens."
Looking at his daughter in surprise, Elliot said, "You never mentioned that. You should have told me, I could have put in a good word for you."
"I know, Daddy," Maureen said with a grateful look, "but I wanted to see if I could get it on my own. I mean, if they only want me because you're my dad, I don't really deserve the job, do I?"
Teddy laughed at Elliot's confusion and said, "I've heard tell that's what they do when they grow up. They get all independent on you."
Turning back to Maureen, she said, "If you can get a paycheck for it, there's nothin' wrong with doin' several internships until you find somethin' you really love. I tried psychiatry, neurology, sports medicine, and vascular surgery before I finally settled on orthopedics."
Maureen nodded at the new idea. "I hadn't thought of that," she said. "I suppose after graduation I could intern at Child Protective Services before I borrowed money for a masters."
"Now that's an idea," Elliot said, though it wasn't clear whether his enthusiasm was for Maureen's career exploration or the potential money saved.
"You know, we have a hospital social worker I could introduce you to," Teddy suggested. "CPS isn't the only place you can use a social work degree."
"Or a psych degree," Elliot volunteered.
Both women shot him a look. Maureen's was slightly annoyed, and Teddy's was slightly amused.
"You would do that?" Maureen asked sounding interested in the opportunity. "I'd really appreciate it."
"Ok," Teddy nodded thoughtfully, "Let's say the next time your dad comes in for an appointment, I set you up for a meetin' with Andy."
"That would be great," Maureen said enthusiastically. "Thanks."
"My pleasure," Teddy said and then continued a little reluctantly, "Now, as a promisin' psych student, I am sure you understand why I need to speak to your dad privately." Teddy cocked an eyebrow and gave a small, sheepish smile that said, Yeah, you caught me, and I've been workin' up to this since I walked in.
Maureen frowned. "I promised my mom I wouldn't leave him alone. She's taking my sisters and brother to our grandma's so they can get some more sleep before going off to school."
"Maureen, I can understand your need to be close to him right now, and his need to have you nearby," Teddy said gently, "and I promise you I won't try to talk him into anythin' he doesn't want, but I really do need to have a private conversation with your dad."
The young woman chewed at her bottom lip for a minute, trying to make the decision on her own, but in the end, she had to glance at her dad. Elliot jerked his head slightly in the direction of the door and said softly, "Go ahead, it's ok."
"You're sure?" she asked, taking hold of his hand again.
He looked at Teddy, appreciating the effort she had made to put them both at ease and said, "Yeah, Sweetheart, I'll be fine."
"Ok," Maureen said reluctantly, "but I'll be right outside if you need me."
"All right, Baby Girl, you go on," he told her.
She squeezed his hand gently, gave him a kiss on the cheek, whispered, "I love you, Daddy," and walked out.
"Do you mind if I check your blood pressure?" Teddy asked. "I noticed on your chart it was awfully high the last time the nurse was in here, and I'm not comfortable sendin' you home in that condition."
"Knock yourself out," Elliot said, extending his arm for her, "but don't think you're going to work your way up to getting me into the operating room."
"She's a lovely girl," the doctor said, ignoring his comment as she retrieved the blood pressure cuff from its place tucked into a cubby on the wall behind the bed. "You must be very proud of her."
Elliot tried to be humble, but he couldn't help smiling. "Ahh, her mother and I got lucky," was all he said.
Teddy shook her head. "No, luck doesn't account for that kind of love and dedication," she said, "and it doesn't get a kid into Hudson."
Elliot fell silent as he felt the cold end of the stethoscope press against the sensitive flesh on the inside of his elbow, and the cuff inflated until it was tight around his arm.
"Ok," Teddy said, "that's a little better, but I want it even lower before you head home. You need to relax."
She put the cuff back in its cubby and stuffed the stethoscope into her pocket. "Mind if I sit?"
Elliot waved in the direction of the chair beside his bed to indicate that she was welcome to it. When she slumped into the seat, he guessed that she had started slouching as a kid to make herself look smaller, but with her long legs stretched out across the floor in front of her, crossed at the ankles instead of the knee, she just looked gangly. She had large, capable, mannish hands, bony elbows, and the almost emaciated look of a dedicated distance runner. The fine lines at the corners of her eyes spoke of a lot of time outdoors squinting against the wind and the sun.
Resting her elbows on the arms of the chair and folding her hands loosely across her flat stomach, she looked at him thoughtfully for a few moments and then requested, "Close your eyes for me?"
"What?"
"You need to relax," she reiterated. "I know deep breaths aren't really possible with your busted ribs, but if you close your eyes and take slow, shallow breaths for a few minutes, you can achieve the same results. So, close your eyes for me."
When he looked at her dubiously, she smiled and told him, "I promise I won't do anythin' without your permission, so just close your eyes and relax for a bit."
He hesitated a moment longer, but she had an open, guileless expression on her face, and finally, even with his suspicious mind, he couldn't come up with a logical reason to mistrust her. Closing his eyes, he tried to breathe slowly and as deeply as he could without pain. After a minute or so, his chin dropped to his chest and he could feel his muscles relaxing. Until then, he hadn't realized how tense he had been.
"You still with me?" The gentle voice broke the silence.
"Yeah."
"Would it be all right if I checked your pulse?"
He pressed his lips together into a tight line, not sure where she was going with this, but not seeing any reason to say no.
"You can say no," she told him, and that took away his last reason to refuse. Where there was no pressure, there was nothing to resist.
"It's all right. You can if you want."
He felt her hand grip his wrist, the touch warm and dry, and after several moments, she said "Eighty-six. That's a little fast for a guy who has just been lyin' around all mornin'."
As she turned his hand back over to rest on the blanket, she patted it lightly and covered it with her own. Her skin was warm and a little rough. Her thumb rubbed gently across the back of his wrist.
"Do you like to go to the beach, Elliot?" she asked and a low, soothing voice.
"I go every once in a while with my kids," he told her. "A few years ago, it kind of lost its charm for a while, though. I was coming home with Maureen one evening and we saw a couple of uniformed officers trying to put out a fire. Turns out it was a body. Some teenage kid had murdered the man who had been molesting him since he was eight and then set his genitals on fire. I told Maureen to stay in the car, but she didn't listen. She's always been headstrong. She saw it all. Gave her nightmares for weeks."
He still had his eyes closed, so he didn't see Teddy's expression of horror when her simple question led to a distressing story about his work or her apparent relief when she realized that the memory didn't upset him. He did hear the smile and the enthusiasm in her voice, though, when she began to talk about the ocean.
"I love the sea," she said. "I'm there every free minute of every day, rain or shine, winter or summer. I run on the beach, and I have a little sailboat I take out at least once a week."
"That's why you're so tanned, then," he said.
She laughed slightly, "That's a kind word for it. I look in the mirror, I don't see 'tanned', I see 'weathered', but it's worth it. I grew up in a bankrupt bituminous coal minin' town in southwestern Pennsylvania, but the nearest post office was in West Virginia, so that was our mailin' address. I didn't see the ocean until I was twenty-one, and I fell in love with it. The first time I saw all that water, goin' all the way to forever, I knew why sailors had to be brave, and why a life at sea is always so romantic in literature."
"Hmm," Elliot grunted, his eyes still closed. "I've lived almost my whole life in Queens. Except for a few years in the Marines, I have never really been anywhere else. The beach, the water, it's always been right there, and I might go a few times a year."
"Funny, isn't it, how we never seem to appreciate the things that are underfoot?" He nodded thoughtfully in response to her question, and she continued. "So, what are you passionate about?"
"My kids," he replied without hesitation, grinning broadly. "They are absolutely the best part of my life."
"You know, your whole face just lit up?"
He blushed slightly, and Teddy said, "Don't be embarrassed. I admire anyone who's willin' to take on that responsibility. It's not for me. I love children, but I figured I was done raisin' my family by the time I left home for college. Tell me about them."
He couldn't resist another smile and he didn't notice the change in his voice, but as he spoke about his children, his love for them completely filled him and changed his whole demeanor. Teddy had to grin, too, as she watched him relax completely and glow with happiness and pride.
"Maureen is my oldest, and she's the most like me. I try not to play favorites, but she is her daddy's girl all over and I can't help feeling like I understand her more than I do the others. She's always been so grown up in some ways. Like one time, when we were chasing a pedophile who met his victims through the internet, I started reading her e-mail and put a child lock on the computer. Man, she was pissed off because she thought I didn't trust her, but when I was able to explain that I was acting out of fear of what other people might do if they could get to her through the computer, she instantly forgave me. Her mother doesn't even get me that well."
"Maybe that's why she's interested in psychology and social work," Teddy suggested. "She might feel the same impulse to help people that you do."
Elliot nodded. "That could be," he agreed. "I just hope she knows where to draw the line. Working with people who are suffering can eat you alive, if you let it."
Teddy recognized the voice of experience when she heard it, but she chose not to comment. She was trying to calm her patient, and letting him talk about how being consumed by his work had messed up his life wouldn't help.
"I'm sure if you share the benefit of your experience with her she'll be ok. Tell me about your other kids. The youngest two are twins, right?"
"Lizzie and Dickie, yeah, though I'm sure when he gets interested in dating he'll want to be called Rick or Rich or something manly like that," Elliot said with a proud grin.
"You're looking forward to that, aren't you?"
Elliot shrugged, then winced as his injuries reminded him of their presence, and said, "I guess every father looks forward to his son becoming a man."
"I'm sure they do," Teddy agreed. "What are they like, your twins?"
"Lizzie's always been a little tomboy," Elliot said. "Growing up alongside Dickie, she's always wanted to do whatever he was doing. Kathy and I let her, because it gave him someone to play with, and when he wanted to play Barbies with his sisters, we let him do that. But now, she's starting to mature, and Kathleen and Maureen are introducing her to girlie things like make up and shoes, which is great for her but kind of leaves Dickie out in the cold."
"How is he handlin' that?" Teddy asked.
"Well, for a while there, he was spending way too much time, whole weekends, sometimes, watching TV and playing video games. He was actually starting to get kind of pudgy from the inactivity."
"Oh, so what did you do?"
"Kathy mentioned it to his pediatrician. Dr. Reynolds is a good guy, so at his next physical, he talked it over with Dickie, man to man, and they agreed that he should get involved in some sport and not play video games or watch TV more than an hour or two a day. Kathy and I never came up in the conversation except to make sure we could arrange transportation for him after practice. It really worked out well because he got the message, but hearing it from the doctor made it a professional opinion instead of some kind of rejection from his parents."
"See, that's why I never would have made a good parent," Teddy explained. "I'd have just told him he was gettin' fat and hurt his little feelin's. I never would have thought to be sneaky like that."
"Uh-huh," Elliot said, though he didn't sound convinced. "You have to be careful about the messages you send. Sometimes, when you're saying you're worried, they hear you're disapproving. It can be tricky."
"You seem to have managed pretty well with them."
"I guess so," Elliot conceded halfheartedly, "but my second daughter, Kathleen, I don't know."
"What do you mean?"
He sighed, sounding more than a little frustrated. "She's artistic, and I'm not. She's sensitive, and I'm not. We just don't seem to connect."
"Does she know you love her?" Teddy asked.
"Yeah, I make sure I tell her every time I get the chance," he said.
"And she knows she can come to you when she's in trouble, doesn't she?"
"Yeah," he agreed, frowning as he remembered getting a couple of uniformed officers to drop charges when she was busted on a DUI.
"Then maybe that's the best you can do for now," Teddy suggested. "I was valedictorian of my graduatin' class, and my second brother, Eddy, dropped out in the tenth grade. We had no common ground, and I gave him six different kinds of hell about quittin' school, but he turned out all right."
"Teddy and Eddy?" Elliot inquired, amused.
"Yeah, and Carol and Darryl, Ann and Dan, Will and Jill, don't ask me what my parents were thinkin'."
Laughing, Elliot said, "At least they didn't give you all the same initials."
"Or the same first name, like George Foreman did to his kids," Teddy agreed. "But you know, when Eddy and his wife had their first baby, they asked me to be his godmother, and they gave him the middle name Theodore in my honor. I was flabbergasted."
"All you can do is love them and hope for the best, huh?"
"I suppose so," Teddy agreed. "The hardest thing is never knowin' what impact you might have. I was so sure he needed a high school diploma that I got Daddy to tell him he had to stay in school until he got it if he wanted to live at home. I was devastated when he packed his stuff and moved to Pittsburgh."
"Oh, man," Elliot sympathized, "that had to be rough."
"It was. He struggled for a while, financially and personally. I felt so bad that I took the bus to Pittsburgh one weekend and asked him to come home."
Teddy's tone changed to one of puzzlement when she continued, "He thanked me for comin' to see him, for carin' enough to tell him I'd made a mistake, and then he refused to come back with me. Said he figured I was right. He got his GED, took some mechanics classes, not that he needed them to teach him anythin' but he needed the certificate to earn a livin', and got a job as a shop mechanic in some factory. Now he's the maintenance supervisor, makin' a good salary, has a nice little house in the suburbs. And I was so sure he was screwin' up his life."
"So, you're telling me Kathleen will turn out all right?"
"I'm tellin' you all you can do is love them and hope for the best."
Elliot felt her fingers slip round his wrist again and check his pulse.
"Sixty three," she said. "That's a lot better."
Again, she left her hand resting on his. The human contact was comforting, so he didn't object.
"You've never been under general anesthesia, have you?" she asked casually after an extended silence.
And now they were there, at the conversation he had hoped to avoid at all costs. His eyes popped open as, with a sudden clarity, he realized just how brilliant she really was. He felt his heart rate soaring, the blood pounded in his head, and he couldn't help but become defensive.
"Oh, lady, you're good," he said in an angry tone as he pulled his hand away from hers, "You're very good. You would have made one hell of a detective."
Frowning in confusion, she said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean."
"Acting like this operation is no big deal and then spending all that time chatting up my daughter and me. I've done the same kind of thing a thousand times," he told her accusingly. "It's not gonna work on me! I'm sorry you wasted your morning, but I am not having this surgery today." He winced, his outburst having caused his ribs to remind him that they needed time to heal.
Teddy shook her head and said, "I'm sorry if you're confused, but I'm not tryin' to make you . . ."
"Oh, come on, Doc!" Elliot interrupted in disbelief. "What was all that about if not to lull me into a false sense of security so you could come back and browbeat me into letting you operate. If you're not gonna tell me about all the people waiting on me in the OR and all the money already spent preparing everything, then why waste all that time talking to Maureen?"
Teddy shrugged, turning her palms up as if to show she was hiding nothing up her sleeves. "Because I'm a sociable creature who likes talkin' to people," she suggested. "Because if you're not gonna have the surgery, I have nothin' better to do until lunch. Because I remember what it was like to be that age and have the whole world to explore. Hell, I don't know why I wanted to talk to her, maybe just because she's a nice kid!"
She sat up in her chair and then leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and interlacing her fingers.
"I did it because having her trust me to take good care of you is as important to me as having you trust me to take good care of you."
Elliot met her intense gaze for just a moment, and then he looked away and frowned.
"Why did you want to talk about my other kids, then, if you weren't playing me?"
Sighing, Teddy said, "Because I can tell you're under a lot of stress, and I wanted to calm you down before I sent you home."
She watched him closely for a minute as he sat there and sulked. He didn't seem especially upset, just annoyed, and very uncertain. Sensing that he was looking for a reason to either trust her or send her away, she made up her mind to give him a good reason to trust her.
"Elliot, look at me," she commanded gently. When he didn't respond, she added urgently, "Please."
Leaning forward and meeting his burning gaze with a sincere, open expression, she said, "Believe me when I tell you I do understand what you are goin' through. Doctor Dombrowski knows that, and it's why he consulted me about your hand."
She could tell the moment he understood what she was saying because he blinked and the glower was replaced by a compassionate expression.
"Did they get the guy who did it?"
She leaned back and shrugged. "Yes and no. You're not quite old enough to really know what it was like to prosecute . . . that kind of thing thirty-five years ago, especially in rural areas, but you've probably dealt with people who still have that same sort of mentality.
"He was the captain of the boys' basketball team, the only guy in school who was tall enough to go out with me without lookin' like one of the seven dwarves, except for my own kinfolk, that is. Nowadays, they would call it a date rape. He didn't leave any marks, so it would have been strictly he-said-she-said, and given our relative social positions, folks would have been more likely to believe what he said.
"I told my aunty, she told my daddy, and he beat the livin' hell out of the boy. He missed most of his senior basketball season, which probably cost him a couple of scholarships because he was good, and his family declined to prosecute Daddy because that would mean makin' the rumors about what he did a matter of public record. I was smart enough to realize that was more justice than I could have expected from the courts, and that was the end of it."
She waited several moments to see if Elliot wanted to say anything. When he just dropped his gaze and started playing with the wrinkles in the sheet, she continued.
"I'm not goin' to try to coerce you into havin' this surgery when you're not ready. We have several days before we need to worry about the delay compromisin' your recovery. Until then, I think it's more important for you to just trust me."
This time, she waited for a response. After a minute or so, he seemed to just relax all at once, sighing quietly and slumping slightly. "What do you want from me?" he asked.
"Tell me what you're afraid of," she said gently.
"It's so hard to talk about," he told her, "I don't know if I can."
"I know," she assured him, "but if you can articulate your fears for me, I promise I will do whatever I can to make things easier for you."
She waited quietly for several moments before he answered.
"You're so helpless," he said. "I can't take the thought of being so helpless."
There was another long pause and then he continued, "I couldn't do anything to save myself when I was attacked. He incapacitated me and tied me up, but, worse than that, someone else was counting on me, and I couldn't save her."
He fell silent again. Teddy didn't say a word, but she did place her hand over his again. He looked down, and was oddly comforted to see that her strong, capable hands were slightly larger, if a bit more slender, than his own. He looked up at her and saw nothing but compassion in her eyes. Then he looked away again, his emotions too intense to talk about if he had to watch her reaction to them.
"Anybody can do anything they want to you when you're out like that," he explained in a near whisper. "I'm not ready to make myself that vulnerable, not again."
Gently, she took his hand in both of hers. "Knowin' you're in a hospital where no one is gonna hurt you isn't enough, is it?"
He shook his head, not able to speak.
"That's because knowin' somethin' in your head and feelin' it in your heart are two completely different things."
He nodded, understanding what she was saying.
"Elliot," she said softly and waited until he would look at her again. "I promise I won't let anythin' happen to you," she said. Then she asked, "Would it help if I stayed with you from here until you woke up in your own room after the surgery?"
"You'd do that for me?" he asked in surprise.
"Sure, if that's what you need."
"You wouldn't leave me alone when I unconscious after the operation?"
"Not if you want me to stay," she assured him.
Then she waited in silence. Elliot had to make this decision for himself, without any pressure from her.
"Is it too late to get this over with today?" he asked, finally feeling the courage of one who knows he has friends behind him.
"Let me check your pressure first."
There were a few quiet minutes between them while she took her readings. Then she made a note on his chart saying, "Those are the numbers I like to see."
She returned the equipment and the chart and told him, "I'm gonna to send your daughter back in, call my team back to the OR, and speak to your wife when she returns. Then I'll be back here to walk you through it, start to finish. Ok?"
He nodded and gave her a grin that was partly amused and partly sarcastic, but mostly grateful. "You're better than I thought," he said. "You definitely should have been a cop."
Teddy winked at him and said, "I really have no idea what you mean."
Author's Note: It's a little late to say Happy Valentine' Day, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Please, send me a late Valentine and drop me a short review. Thanks!