Chapter Three
Tuesday
A/N: I want to say thank you to everyone who has commented or faved this story. Really it means so much to me that you are enjoying it. So thank you so much for taking the time to leave such kind words.
I'm going to apologize here. There is a Native American ceremony in this chapter and I'll admit I am not very well educated in the realm of Native American rites and rituals. So if I have put something in that is wrong or offensive please let me know so that I can fix it. I researched as best I could using the internet but I am unsure of how reliable the sites I found were. Again I'm very sorry if I cause offense to anyone, I'm a white chick from Australia so I am claiming ignorance.
Chapter Three
Tuesday
"Woo baby! Work that Popsicle!" Embry laughed, shoving a grape flavored icy pole into his mouth, grinning at Bella. Bella pulled the icy treat out of her mouth and scowled at him. I reached over and smacked him in the back of the head.
"What? She's talented!" Embry exclaimed, ducking my second blow with ease "You're a lucky guy Jake"
"Just because you're jealous," Bella teased him back, poking out a red stained tongue at him. Embry laughed with her and turned to me.
"See she doesn't care," he told me grinning impishly.
"Yeah but do you have to be so obvious about it" I growled back, fixing Bella's blankets, making sure she was completely covered. The drugs always made her so cold. I wished I could cuddle up next to her but the nurses wouldn't let me.
"Hey someone has to lighten your storm cloud mood" Embry mumbled from around his Popsicle.
I let it go and Bella popped the Popsicle back into her mouth. The chemo was giving her mouth sores and the ice always seemed to help them. She was sitting in a big blue chair, covered in bright purple blankets. Her skin was even paler than usual except for the two hot pink flushes on her cheeks and she was losing weight at a rapid rate. Her long hair was still tumbling around her shoulders but it was noticeably thinner. She looked like she had aged ten years in the past eight months.
The left side of her upper chest was bare, Bella's tank top strap pulled down to her elbow. The doctors had surgically implanted a catheter, just bellow her collar bone, so to reduce the risk of infection and each time Bella received chemo and they injected the drugs through this port. She refused to look at the IV lead that was pumping all those harsh chemicals into her body. Bella looked up at me instead.
"When are Charlie and Renee getting here?" she asked.
"I think at two or so. Charlie said he was gong to finish up at the station early to be here" I informed her. The strong smell of hospital grade bleach burned in my nostrils.
After Bella had told me about her leukemia we had quickly discussed between us how to tell everyone else. I didn't want to phase and accidentally tell the pack so we decided on sooner rather than later. I asked Billy if he could pull together a bonfire meeting so that Bella and I could break the news. We had Charlie come too. The only one who couldn't be there was Renee but she had since moved closer so that she could visit Bella on a regular basis.
When everyone had gathered I noticed Billy and Charlie were glaring at me. Charlie was almost purple in the face and I realized they thought I was going to tell them that Bella was pregnant or something. I wished. Anything would have been better than the truth. I let Bella speak. She insisted on being the one to tell everyone, so all I could do was hold her hand. I was amazed at her strength; I could barely function. We stood up and Bella spoke.
I don't know what I expected from them. I wasn't even looking at my pack, my family and my friends. All I saw was Bella. Her voice only quivered at the two words 'terminal cancer'. She spoke for a long time about how she found out about the leukemia, about how I had convinced her to go for chemo. She held nothing back. When she finally stopped talking her voice was strained. No one said anything. Charlie was the first one to break the silence.
"What do you mean by terminal cancer?" he asked. His voice was tight, frightened. Bella took a deep breath and squeezed my fingers.
"The doctors say I could survive up to five years but there is no cure," she paused and looked down "But Dr Tikvah says that its pretty far advanced. She said realistically I'm looking at only two years"
At this I had dropped down onto the sand next to Bella. This was the worst part. I felt Bella's hand in my hair. She was always comforting me and I hated it. I couldn't even pull it together to help her. I let loose a small groan, frustrated with myself, frustrated with the world. I glanced across the fire at Charlie. He was pale and his eyes were anxious. He kept dry washing his hands and opening his mouth like he was going to speak but he never did. He didn't speak until two days after the bonfire. Bella had said it was his own way of dealing with it.
Everyone then had started asking questions at once and Bella calmly answered them all. She was so strong, so brave. Her fingers never stopped their soothing circles in my hair. I let her talk and looked up at her. If she was this strong now then I knew she could fight this. I refused to believe there was no cure. There just wasn't one now, that didn't mean there wouldn't be one later. I pulled myself to my feet and Bella looked up at me with a small smile. If Bella could be this brave then so could I. I promised her I would stand by her and I would. I would save her. I would do anything for her.
A shrill beeping brought me roughly out of the past. One of Bella's machines was flashing. I heard quick footfalls and a slim African American woman came into the room smiling at us. Her name was Taraja and she was Bella's nurse. Every time Bella came in for treatment Taraja was there. She was an angel I swear. The first time we had come for Bella's chemo she'd had gone out of her way to make us feel comfortable. She was like a friend now more than a nurse and was definitely on my Christmas card list.
"Are you feeling ok Bells?" Taraja asked, stabbing her fingers at the loud machine. It stopped beeping but the noise still rung in my ears. Taraja reached out and touched Bella's face. Bella nodded. I noticed the blush was still there. She was flushed and her eyes were bright. She noticed me watching her and Bella smiled at me, always trying to reassure me that she was fine.
"Your temperature is up a little, are you feeling sick?" she asked gently. I pried the Popsicle from Bella's fingers and chucked it in the trash. Bella grabbed my hand. I watched the bracelet I had given her with the wooden wolf pendant ride up her arm. Bella had lost so much weight we had had to get some of the links taken out of it so that it wouldn't slip off her wrist.
"Just a little bit more nausea that normal" Bella admitted. Embry grabbed the big purple bucket from under the chair and pushed it into my hands incase Bella suddenly threw up. The chemo was really battering Bella's body. Every day she seemed a little bit worse but she never once complained. It was killing me but I kept a smile on my face and rubbed my fingers against her cold palm. I would be strong for her. Taraja fiddled with all of the instruments around us.
"Ok well I just got off the phone with Dr Tikvah and she should be here in a few minutes. She just paged up from the front desk to say she had arrived from Seattle," Taraja explained as she checked Bella's IV port. Taraja stayed for only a few more minutes, making sure all of the machines were doing their jobs before the little black pager at her waist started beeping and she had to leave in a rush.
I reached up and stroked Bella's forehead and she closed her eyes. Dr Tikvah was supposed to be coming to tell us how Bella was reacting to the chemo. She had had a bone marrow biopsy two weeks ago and the results were in. I felt bad for Bella having to go through that again.
Everyone in the pack had had one to see if we matched with Bella and recovering from it was a bitch, even with super fast healing. We had only submitted to the test though after the Elders had given it the all clear from one of the local doctors who was in the know about our furry sides. I was going to try even without their permission but I waited to see if they would reject the idea first. A bone marrow transplant would have been much more beneficial for her than just chemo alone. None of us matched but the doctors weren't surprised. Apparently a match out side of family members is like winning the national lottery. Charlie and Renee didn't match either. Bella was now on the Bone Marrow Transplant list.
"Jake I think I'm gonna puke," Bella groaned and I quickly shoved the purple bucket under her nose. I held her hair back from her face as she threw up into it noisily. Embry winced as the vomit thundered against the bottom of the bucket. When she came back up I pulled the bucket out of her hands and handed her one of those pre-tooth pasted toothbrushes and a bottle of water. Bella groaned and closed her eyes, brushing her teeth lazily before spitting out the foamy water into the puke bucket. I snapped the lid on the container and shoved it under the chair with my foot.
"Sorry," Bella said quietly, her eyes still closed.
"Hey it's ok, but you know I expect you to do the same for me," I teased her and she smiled "I mean it. I'm gonna party tonight and you better be there to take care of me in my drunken stupor"
"You can't get drunk" Bella giggled opening her eyes and grinned at me. Just the reaction I was going for. When she smiled it was like she was healthy again. Her eyes lit up, hell her whole face lit up. And for a moment I could pretend we were just hanging out at first beach, lounging around on our tree and not in Fork's Hospital.
"That sounds like a challenge to me. Have you tired any of Leah's 'werewolf strength' bourbon?" I replied. I was just about to explain in depth my awesome plan to create a league of drunken werewolves when a small knock on the door interrupted us. I looked over my shoulder as a small, dark skinned woman came into the room. Her hair was a deep brown, almost black and her pale green eyes were always steady and reassuring behind her wire rim glasses. Dr Tikvah had arrived and with her arrival all of the momentarily happy feelings vanished. My anxious and worried mood came flooding back in an instant.
"Uh I'll just head down to the cafeteria. You guys want anything?" Embry asked standing quickly. Bella and I both shook our heads and Dr Tikvah sat in Embry's abandoned seat. She waited until the door closed behind Embry before greeting us in her soft whispery voice. It was a good thing I heard so well otherwise I would never understand her. I had never heard Dr Tikvah speak any louder than a murmur.
"Bella, how are you feeling today?" Dr Tikvah asked, eyeing the silver metal chart which Bella's name had been stamped on the top.
"Really good" Bella said quickly and my eyes narrowed at her. She mouth the word "What?" at me and I sighed. It was time to be the bad guy.
"Her nausea has been a lot worse and she's really fatigued. It's hard to get her to eat anything because of her mouth as well so she's lost a fair bit of weight since we last saw you" I said in a rush. Dr Tikvah smiled at me over her glasses and wrote something down on Bella's chart. Bella didn't feel quite as happy about my truthfulness.
"Traitor," she groaned and stick her tongue out at me. I noticed the red stain from the Popsicle had faded away completely. The doctor cleared her throat and I turned toward her.
"I had been expecting as much. I see you've still got a low grade temperature" Dr Tikvah said more to herself than anyone else. She stood up and hung the silver backed chart on the bottom of Bella's chair.
"Is that bad?" I asked as Dr Tikvah studied the machine that had been beeping before.
"Well its not bad, but its not good either. I think Bella may have picked up a slight infection," Dr Tikvah explained "and of course with the chemo and the type of cancer Bella has, it's hard for her body to fight back against any kind of disease"
"I don't really feel that much worse," Bella explained as Dr Tikvah abandoned the machines.
"I'm not that worried about the infection for now. Have you been feeling any aches and pains in your joints?" Dr Tikvah asked, running her slim fingers over the knuckles of Bella's hands, checking for swelling. Bella shook her head no.
"How about general pain or stiffness?" the doctor asked, glancing up at Bella over her glasses. She pulled on a pair of white gloves and gently prodded the IV port in Bella's chest.
"I have been a little sore," Bella admitted biting her lip, wincing a little at Dr. Tikvah's examination.
"Sorry. I will check your meds and see if we can't find something for you to ease your pain. I did however get your bone marrow biopsy report back this morning" Dr Tikvah said gently, looking from Bella to me and then back to Bella. I waited patiently. Dr Tikvah removed the gloves with a snap and took off her glasses, sliding them into her coat pocket. I was grateful that she was able to come all the way to Forks for us. Bella and I had originally though we would have to move to Seattle to start treatment but Dr Tikvah said she would be happy to travel to treat Bella. She had gone well above and beyond the call of duty and was yet another person on my Christmas card list.
"How does it look?" Bella asked, twining her fingers with mine. I kissed her cool hand gently, the scar of the bite mark on her hand still as prominent as ever and it glowed slightly in the florescent lighting.
"Unfortunately not as good as I was hoping," the doctor said gently. I sighed and kissed Bella's hand again. We could never catch a break with this; we seemed to get nothing but bad news. It was like the cancer was always one step ahead of us.
"Your bone marrow biopsy has shown some benefit from the chemotherapy but not as much as I would of hoped. It is definitely helping but its not helping enough" Dr Tikvah's voice was next to me now. I watched as she sat down again.
"So do we up the dose or something?" I asked.
"I think that at this time that would be unadvisable. I know you are hoping for a cure Jacob but at the moment we are not seeking a cure, we are only trying to keep Bella as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. If we 'upped the dose' I do not think it would befit Bella in the long run, but may only heighten the side effects of the chemo'"
"But something could come up, a drug trail or what not," I insisted. I always felt like I was fighting with Dr Tikvah when it came to this. I knew she knew more than me but I had to hope something would come up in the future and the doctor was more concerned with the right now. She nodded at me.
"That is true a drug trail could happen but there is no guarantee that one will or that it will be effectual. Of course if something does come up that is suitable we will certainly try our best to get her into such a program, so long as you are agreeable Bella. But, unfortunately, at this moment in time Bella's condition is still terminal" she said so quietly I could hardly hear her. I felt pressure on my fingers and looked up at Bella. She smiled at me weakly.
"So how much time are we looking at before the big departure?" she asked jokingly. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep in the groan that wanted to escape.
"Looking at your recent test results, and if you did not succumb to any major infections like pneumonia, I would say maybe ten months to a year"
I could hear a buzzing in my ears. Ten months? I watched Bella nod and say something else to the doctor but I didn't hear what it was. Ten months. And those ten months wasn't even a sure thing. Any thought of a miracle pill that would fix Bella was slowly leaking out of my brain. Realization suddenly hit me that Bella was going to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had never felt so helpless in my life.
Dr Tikvah was still talking, explaining about counseling and grief services that the hospital offered but her words seemed far off. Bella was nodding though and making all the right social noises so I let her run with it. I didn't want a grief class, I wanted to fix Bella and I had been suddenly forced to realize that I wasn't going to be able to fix her.
When I had first won Bella's heart I had promised myself two things. The first would be that I would always protect her. Of course at the time I was thinking of protection from vampires or her own two feet. I had never considered a disease would make me break my promise. The second promise was that I would always make strive to make her as happy as she made me. And recently I had promised to stick with her through all of this. But I didn't know what to do now. I had always hoped for a cure, never really believing that I would loose Bella.
Dr Tikvah was standing now. I felt her little hand on my shoulder. I nodded in her direction as she left the room and turned back to Bella. She was still smiling at me, still rubbing my hand reassuringly. Neither of us spoke. Suddenly I couldn't take just sitting next to her, it just wasn't enough.
I stood up and lent over her big blue chair and kissed her. She wrapped only one arm around me so as to not tangle up her IV and kissed me, her fingers gripping my shoulder, her mouth hot and supple under mine. She tasted like peppermint toothpaste. I traced my hands down her delicate neck and over her slim shoulders. I tucked one hand under her back and pulled her into me, burying myself into her a much as I could. Our cheeks were wet but I wasn't sure which one of us was crying. Maybe we both were. Neither of us heard the door open.
"Hey can't you kids hang a sock on the door or something to give me some warning," Charlie's voice groaned, startling us out of our embrace. I spun around as felt my face go red as Charlie came into the room with Embry behind him (carrying no less that five bags of potato chips too). Charlie was holding a big bunch of flowers with a sparkly purple "get well soon" card tucked into them. Charlie always brought Bella flowers, even if she was only in the hospital for a few hours. Bella wasn't embarrassed by it anymore.
"Hey lovers!" Embry teased throwing a bag of chips my way. I caught it effortlessly. Embry flopped down on his chair and popped open a packet of chips. Charlie placed the flowers on the little table next to Bella's chair. I dropped my chips on my empty chair. Renee was still in the door way. She looked frightened, gripping the door frame as if it would save her life.
"What's going on?" She asked quietly, looking from my wet face to Bella's. Bella reached out a hand and Renee hurried over, twining her fingers with Bella's. I stepped back and watched Bella explain what Dr. Tikvah had said. She kept stroking Renee's hand, touching her father's fore arm, always trying to comfort everyone. With sudden violent force I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't take this anymore.
"Embry," I whispered too quietly for the three humans in the room to hear. He looked up at me and I signaled for him to follow me outside. Once we were out of the little room I rested my forehead against the wall and closed my eyes. The cold plaster felt good against my face. I could feel my shoulders shaking. The too-clean stench of the hospital was still bothering me. I felt trapped and all I wanted was to flee but at the same time I felt so guilty. I was supposed to be here for Bella and I couldn't pull myself together for her.
"Do you need to take off for a bit?" Embry asked me. I opened my eyes in surprise, but shook my head.
"I can't leave her" I said, my voice sounding dead and lifeless. I turned around and lent my back against the wall. I felt Embry's hand on my shoulder.
"She would understand why you needed time alone. Go on, I'll tell her something came up with the pack. Go run it off." I shook my head again but Embry pushed my shoulder gently.
"Emily and Rach texted me before. They were planning on coming round to your place tonight so I'll get them to come over earlier and keep her company. She won't be alone Jake and I'll call you if anything comes up" Embry's vice was soft, persuasive. Slowly I nodded my head. I turned down the hall as I heard Embry open Bella's door. I just needed a few hours. Just a few.
I didn't bother phase. I walked into La Push, ignoring the light rain. I don't know how long I wandered aimlessly but it was night before I looked up from the pavement under my feet. For a moment I was disorientated. I could see a small building in the distance but I didn't realize what it was until I got closer and saw the blue roof. La Push tribal school. I hadn't been here in years, since I just barely graduated.
I jumped the low brick fence and strode over to the little play ground for the younger kids. I sat down on one of the swings and just stared at my knees. I didn't know what to do. I was always confident, sure in what I was doing, where I was going and who I was. Now I didn't know anything. All I had now was guilt and hundreds of unanswerable questions. I rested my forehead on the ice cold chain of the swing. I could just pick out the sound waves breaking on First Beach. The night wasn't quite though. I could see the orange glow of a near by bonfire and hear shouts and laughter. I was surprised anyone was out in the freezing late winter night even if it was a friday night. I wasn't cold of course but if my steaming breath was anything to go by, then the kids down on the beach had to be frozen.
I felt so guilty for having to leave the hospital before Bella's treatment was done. I knew Embry was right and that Bells would understand why I had left but that didn't ease my conscious at all. I scrubbed my toes against the asphalt and the swing squeaked as it moved. All I could think about was Dr. Tikvah's words. Ten months. Ten fucking months.
How was that fair? If she got her ten months she would only be twenty four years old. I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes with force, fireworks exploding behind my eye lids. My brain kept repeating those two facts. Ten months, twenty four years old.
I had barely had five years with her and it wasn't enough time. I needed Bella, she was everything thing to me. I couldn't picture my life without her by my side, teasing me, playing with my hair, sitting in the passenger seat of The Rabbit telling me to slow down. How would I knot my ties? Bella always did that. I smiled at the memory of Bella standing on one of the dining table's chairs, her deft little fingers pulling the tie tight for Rachel's wedding. Even standing on the chair I had had to stoop a little for her. She had giggled and called me a giant. I had told her it wasn't my fault she was abnormally short.
My shoulders were shaking, the swings chain cutting into them painfully. What if I started forgetting things about her like the way she smelt or the exact color of her eyes? What if I woke up one day and couldn't recall the sound of her voice or the way her eyebrows came together when she was concentrating hard on grading school papers? I didn't want to forget her. I didn't want to lose her. Ten months, twenty four years old.
I felt a sudden surge of anger at myself. I wouldn't let myself forget, how could I even think such a thing? I couldn't sit still any more and I jumped up from the swing, removing my hands from my eyes. I ignored the fact that they were wet, wiping them on my jeans. Ten months, twenty four years old. I stalked back and forth across the schools concrete play ground, pulling my hands through my hair. I felt like screaming, I felt like destroying something. I swung my fist out as I passed the playground's metal slide. I felt my knuckle crack and stared in dissatisfaction at the fist shaped indent.
Something in me snapped. I couldn't remember ever being so filled with rage since the time I first phased. My body trembled and I slammed my fist into the metal slide again, ignoring the pain shooting up my hand. It wasn't fair! Why did this have to happen to us? Why her and not me instead? Ten months, twenty four years old.
I beat at the pulverized metal, ignoring the shrieking sound it was making. I didn't care that someone would find the slide, destroyed with hand shaped gouges in it. I didn't care that I was dangerously close to phasing less than a stones throw away from a party of intoxicated teenagers. All I cared about was the fact that I was losing one of the most important people in my life and I was powerless to stop it.
I became aware of people cursing and a loud smashing noise. I stopped my assault on the playground equipment and glanced over my shoulder, toward First beach. Some kids from the party were on the far side of the street now. Someone had dropped a glass bottle, shattering it, and the others were laughing at them. One of the kids in the group saw me and called out.
"Hey! School's closed you know!" the drunken voice slurred. The group laughed. I turned away from them, taking a few seconds to pop one of my broken fingers back into place with a snap. I heard footfalls and someone scramble over the low brick wall. Girls were laughing; someone called someone else a bitch. Please just leave me alone, I thought knowing I was too wound up to even try to act calmly.
"Hey, buddy! School is finished!" the voice was closer now. I turned around flexing my hand. It was completely healed now just with a small lingering pain in the joints. A young guy staggered toward me, he looked like he was only about sixteen and vaguely familiar. As he got closer I realized why. It was Colin's younger brother but I couldn't recall his name. I turned away from him striding off toward the tree line.
"Hey come back!" Colin's brother yelled out. I felt a hand on my arm but I shook it off.
"Piss off," I growled at him. I didn't want to deal with them just now. I wanted Bella. Ten months, twenty four years old. I felt like I was going to phase at any second and my hands shook. I took a deep breath. I hadn't felt this out of control since I was sixteen.
"We are having a party you should come hang out!" the kid was way too happy and way too drunk to hear the anger in my voice.
"No," I spat at him, lengthening my strides. I was only a few hundred yards from the trees. Just hold on until then. Ten months, twenty four years old.
"Hey just chill man. It's gonna be fun. We got lots of girls and drinks," he panted, taking three steps to match my one. This kid was killing me. I spun on my heel to face him.
"I said no. Back off kid," I threatened. The kid blanched for a second before holding up his hands. He laughed at me and I glanced over his shoulder. His friends were climbing over the wall now, stumbling toward us.
"Hey that's cool. If you wanna be a chicken shit I'm not gonna stop you," Colin's brother said with a laugh. I know I shouldn't have risen to the bait but I couldn't help it. I was still on edge, still thrumming with an all consuming rage. Ten months, twenty four years old.
"What did you call me?" I ground out, clenching my fists.
"You heard me I said you're a chicken shit." The kid taunted. I found myself not caring again. Not caring that this guy was only sixteen and I outweighed him by more than a hundred pounds. Not caring that he was a weak human and I was supernaturally strong. I didn't give a shit what the consequences were as I pulled back my fist and snapped it back into his smug, arrogant face. He dropped to the floor, blood streaming out his nose, his skull bashing against the concrete. I heard a female scream. I didn't care. Ten months, twenty four years old.
The kid was groaning on the floor when the girl that had screamed came running up dropping to her knees next to him. I stumbled backwards. Someone had a cell phone out calling 911. I knew I should leave but I stared down at my hand with the kid's blood smeared over my knuckles. Shit, what had I just done? Shit!
"Why the hell would you punch him?" a voice screamed at me. I looked down and the girl who had run over to Colin's brother had propped his head into her lap and was glaring at me. I couldn't answer her. The whole group was here now. A guy was yelling at me but I couldn't make sense of the words. Hands shoved at me but didn't move me, they couldn't move me. Colin's brother's eyes were closed but I could see that he was still breathing. The strong sound of his heart told me he was only unconscious and that I hadn't accidentally killed an innocent teenager. Red and blue lights flashed in the distance and I knew I should run for it but my feet wouldn't move.
I felt separated from my body as two cops strode across the school playground toward us, paramedics rushing to the kid on the floor. I didn't wake up again until I felt the cold snap of handcuffs. I was in so much shit.
"Black!" a sharp voice called out startling me into consciousness. I sat up slowly and rubbed my eyes. The plain white walls slowly came into focus and the last four hours came rushing back in startling quality. A surge of uncontrollable anger, the cold swing seat, taunting voices and red and blue lights. I glanced to my right and looked through the pale blue bars of La Push's lock up at the male officer on the other side. I recognized him instantly as the one who had arrested me. I was certain his last name was Von; he was good friends with Charlie despite being from different precincts.
"The victim has dropped the charges" Von informed me and I winced at the word victim.
"Is he ok?" I asked my voice hoarse from sleep.
"He's got a broken nose and is a little shaken up but he will be fine. Luckily for you," Officer Von said glaring at me.
"Does this mean I'm free to go?" I asked, not moving from the metal bench I had fallen asleep on.
"Soon. Your father is filling out your paperwork with Sam Uley. We can't release you until he is done," the cop explained. Sam was picking me up? I groaned internally. Sam may not be Alpha anymore but that didn't mean he wouldn't hold back to rip me a new one. I nodded at the officer and he left me alone.
I knew I shouldn't have punched that kid. Why had I been so stupid? At least he was ok but still. I couldn't believe how out of control I had felt. All I felt now was regret. I stood up from the metal bench and stretched out my back, listening to it crack. The four short hours on the bench hadn't done me any good but it was less than I deserved. I wondered why the charges had been dropped. Colin must have talked to his mom, persuaded her to drop them or something. I heard echoing foot falls and glanced toward to front of my cell. Bella came into view and she stopped at the bars, curling her little fingers around them.
"Bells?" I said in disbelief. I crossed the short distance and stopped in front of her. Her face was even paler against the white walls and her eyes were narrowed dangerously. She was mad.
"So you beat up a fifteen year old kid?" Bella asked her voice quiet.
"I thought he was sixteen" I replied, evading the question.
"And that makes it better?" Bella asked vehemently, her voice rising sharply.
"Of course not! I didn't mean it. I just…lost control" I mumbled. I wrapped my hands round the bars, over hers. Her fingers were lukewarm against the icy cell bars.
"Well because you lost control, Colin's brother is in hospital. What were you thinking Jacob?" Bella's face had gone from anger to disappointment. Surprisingly it was worse than her fury. Her eyes were sad now and when she looked at me now I could see that disappointment in her eyes. It stung me that she was disappointed in me. I had never seen her like this and it made me feel like a complete asshole.
"I wasn't," I confessed. Bella looked taken back by my words. She shook her head and pulled her hands out of mine, crossing her arms over her chest. She stepped backward and ran her fingers through her thinning hair.
"I think you need help" she whispered.
"What do you mean by help?" I asked, confused.
"You're not handling this Jake," she said gesturing to herself. Oh.
"I'm handling it fine" I insisted. I reached out to her from between the bars but she just stared at my outstretched hand blankly.
"No your not. Have you seen yourself lately? I barely recognize you. The Jake I knew would have never hurt someone like that," Bella said her voice so quiet and sad. She bit her lip and looked at me as if I was a stranger. It took me several tries before I could speak.
"I'm still the same person Bells," I insisted, leaving my hand outstretched. She didn't take it. My mouth felt dry and I swallowed hard.
"Are you sure about that?"
The truth was I wasn't sure. The last eight months from the moment Bella told me about her leukemia I had felt lost, helpless. I wanted so badly to be there for her to comfort her but instead I ended up lashing out at a child. Why had I been so stupid? I pressed my face against the bars of the cell, cursing myself.
"It's ok to need help Jacob," Bella said interrupting my thoughts. I knew she was right but the thought of admitting I couldn't keep it together for her when I wasn't even the one who was dying was too much to bare. I couldn't do it.
"I don't need help, I need you. Bells I know I've been out of it but I'm trying my hardest. I mean I want to be there for you I just…I don't know what I'm doing anymore," I spluttered, stretching out my fingers toward her again. She stared at them for a second before placing her hand in mine. I traced her palm with my fingertips. We didn't speak for several minutes, we just looked at each other, eyes tracing each others faces.
"I'm so sorry Bells," I whispered, gently pulling her closer. I traced my fingers up her arms and her hands snaked through the bars to rest on my chest. I bent down and kissed her cheek, feeling the heat of a blush under my lips.
"I mean it, I'm sorry. I was an idiot" I whispered again, kissing her temple and forehead. I felt her brows rise under my mouth.
"What do you mean was?" she asked sarcastically but I could hear the laughter in her voice.
"Ok fair call" I responded, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. I cupped her face with my hand and tilted it upward so I could see her. I memorized her face, burning it into my mind, forcing my self not to forget.
"Am I forgiven?" I asked, tracing her jaw with my fingers. I felt her heart speed up a little and I smiled at her. She was so beautiful.
"On one condition," she said softly. I waited patiently my fingers never stopping in their quest to memorize her. I traced her chin, her cheekbones and her fore head. She closed her eyes and sighed. I ran my fingers over her lips and she kissed each finger tip lovingly. She opened her eyes and her pupils were dilated, full of love.
"Promise me you will talk to someone about this. It doesn't have to be a doctor or therapy group. It can just be me or your dad. Anyone. But Jake you have to deal with this, you have to talk about it," she demanded gently. My fingers stilled on her neck.
"Would that make you happy?" I asked.
"Yes," she said simply. I thought about it for a moment. I only had so much time left with her and I wanted her to be happy for as much of it as possible. I could sacrifice my pride for that couldn't I? I wanted her to be happy, I always wanted that. As long as I could remember I had loved this woman in front of me. An idea dawned on me and I couldn't help but to grin at her.
"Ok but I have my own condition" I stipulated.
"What is it?" she asked innocently. I lent down and kissed her cheek. I made my way along her face, kissing every inch of skin I could.
"Marry me," I whispered in her ear. I heard her sharp intake of breath and smiled against her hair.
"What?" she asked breathlessly, her hands fisting my shirt. I pulled back and grinned down at her.
"I said marry me. It's hard for me to ask for help you know that, so I should get a reward for it. I think marriage is an acceptable reward don't you?" I teased gently.
"Are you serious?"
"Deadly serious Bells. You mean the world to me. I always knew I would marry you even when I was little."
"Really?" she asked with a small smile.
"Yeah I told my mom about it and everything. She used to tease me about it," I admitted feeling my face flush a little. She chuckled at that.
"So what'll it be? I know you like romantic stories and stuff so do I have to get on one knee or something?" I joked. She giggled and shook her head at me.
"Yeah because this is so romantic, a proposal in jail!" she scoffed
"Hey it's original! Marry me Bella," I said again. Bella sighed and smiled at me. Then she said one word that made me feel whole and happy for the first time in eight months
"Ok."
I stood on the beach feeling odd to be wearing enclosed shoes there for the first time in a long time. Our white tree was behind me and Embry and Quil were on my right. I couldn't decide which one of them should be my best man so I had given up and asked both of them. There were no seats and a small crowd of people had gathered in front of me, half of the left half on the right in a roughly circular layout. The whole pack was here of course, as well as a few close friends of Bella's and our parents. Angela Webber waved at me from the third row on the left side of the gathering. I waved back nervously. Taraja and Dr Tikvah were here too, standing next to Renee and Phil.
I could hear Terry cooing in Sam's arms. Paul was standing next to Rachel who was already dabbing her eyes with a white handkerchief. Surprisingly Nadia was still in the picture and she rushed up the front to pin a yellow flower to the front of Embry's jacket. I stood directly due north and Dad was behind me at the front of the congregation of people. Even though I was technically the Chief of the whole tribe (crazy traditions) I couldn't marry myself so Dad was filling in for me. Everyone was talking quietly and I glanced up at the steel grey sky hoping it wouldn't rain. The sun shone weakly on us and I felt the feeble spring warmth try its best to touch us.
"You have the rings right, you didn't forget them as well?" I asked Embry as Nadia smoothed the front of his jacket down. Embry kissed Nadia before she rushed back to her place in the crowd. Nadia stood next to Leah, who looked happy for the first time in along time. I hadn't seen her in some time and made a mental note to talk to her after the ceremony. Leah and I had become good friends (much to everyone's surprise) and I was glad she was here.
"Of course I remembered them" Embry scoffed with mock offense.
"Hey I'm just checking," I said holding my hands up in surrender. Embry punched my shoulder but I didn't let myself wince even though it hurt like a bitch. I couldn't believe that only six weeks after I had asked Bella to marry me that the day was already here. Emily was a gift from the spirits I swear. When we had told everyone Emily had jumped right up and offered to organize everything as a wedding gift and we were more than happy to oblige. I shifted the light blue blanket on my shoulders so that the material wouldn't make my neck itch.
"Are you nervous?" Quil asked me and I shook my head, even though that wasn't exactly true. Nothing had ever felt more right though, I just hoped I wasn't going to stuff up the ceremony. I glanced over the heads of the crowd at the small white tent which was closed. Bella was behind there. I knew it would only be moments before the ceremony started. Bella and I had decided to go with a mixed ceremony, neither full Quileute or completely western either. I fiddled with blanket again and glanced over my shoulder at my dad. He grinned at me and shifted in his wheelchair. His calm nature soothed my nerves some what. He was in his full ceremonial outfit although the majority of others were in suits and ties including myself. I heard the crowd hush and turned too look toward the white tent. Emily came out first as Bella's only bridesmaid, her pale strapless yellow dress making her russet skin glow. She was beautiful even with her scars. Emily stopped in front of me and kissed my cheek before moving to the left. I glanced back to the white tent and what I saw took my breath away.
Bella was wearing a simple white wedding dress that reached her ankles. Her dress had spaghetti straps that were hidden under the light blue blanket that was over her shoulders which matched mine. The dress was made of some floaty material and although the skirt hugged her hips and flared out only a little at her thighs, wisps of fabric attached at the hips were caught in the wind. She moved slowly, her hand on Charlie's forearm as he guided her toward me. She wore no shoes and her hair was loose, glinting red in the pale sun. She only wore one piece of jewelry which was the wolf bracelet I had made for her years ago. The only sign of her illness was the small white bandage on her chest, covering her catheter port. She was beautiful beyond description.
Bella's eyes never left mine as she walked toward me. I couldn't wait for her to reach me and I stepped forward reaching out my right hand. Charlie stopped in front of me. He took Bella's hand off his fore arm and placed it mine but didn't let go of our joined hands.
"You look after her Jacob," he said quietly, his eyes burning into mine. I nodded at him seriously and Charlie squeezed our hands once more. Charlie kissed Bella's cheek before letting go and stepping back. Bella and I turned to face my father but I didn't see him. All I could see was Bella. I heard the click of a lighter and moments later I could smell the soft scent of burning sage.
"Hey," I whispered to her. I could feel a goofy grin on my face and she smiled back at me.
"Hey" she whispered back. Dad cleared his throat and I turned to look at him. He had his arms spread wide and his voice was deep and sure. It always amazed me how my dad could transform before my eyes into such a commanding presence when it came to matters of the tribe. His voice was powerful when he spoke.
"Friends, family we have gathered here today to witness the joining of these two people, whose love for each other has shown no bounds. They wish to be tied together before you all as a symbol of their love, respect and kindness for each other. They seek to come together as one to always support the other in good times and the bad and always with love and companionship."
My father's strong voice continued the ceremony but I barely heard a word. All I saw was Bella. Her smile, her chocolate eyes and the ever present pink blush. She looked so full of life. It wasn't until I felt Embry's hand on my shoulder that I looked up. He pressed a band of gold into my palm. I reached for Bella's left hand and repeated after my father.
"Let us take the first step to provide for our household, a nourishing a pure diet, avoiding those foods injurious to healthy living. Let us take the second step to develop physical, mental and spiritual powers. Let us take the third step to increase our wealth, by righteous means and proper use. Let us take the fourth step to acquire knowledge, happiness and harmony by mutual love and trust. Let us take the fifth step so that we will be blessed with strong, virtuous and heroic children. Let us take the sixth step for self-restraint and longevity. Finally, let us take the seventh step and be true companions and remain life long partners by this wedlock."
At the last word I pushed the small ring onto Bella's wedding finger. Bella took the second ring, which was passed to her by Quil, and repeated the same vows, pushing my ring onto my left hand. I smiled at her and kissed her left hand gently and she blushed a wonderful pink.
"Now we will remove the blue blankets, letting go of all of your past sorrows so that you may walk into your new life happy and compete," Billy announced after we had exchanged rings. I bent my knees a little so that Sue could remove my blanket and glanced over at Renee undoing Bella's. Technically Dad was supposed to do this but Sue was like a mother for me after my mom died and if felt right for her to be there. Sue took the large white blanket from my dad at wrapped it around mine and Bella's shoulders, tucking each end under our arms. I'm sure it looked funny with me being so tall and her being so short but I didn't care. I held Bella's hand and she grinned at me and god she looked so beautiful.
"The trails of marriage are difficult ones and only those who are strong in heart, mind and soul will survive it. Only together will you grow stronger and wiser. With the removal of your past sorrow and rebirth of you both as a couple, united and strong together, I am very pleased to announce that you are now husband and wife. You can kiss her now son," Dad said with a smile. The crowd of people laughed and clapped at the announcement.
Bella's hand came up and rested on my shoulder. I lent down and wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her to me, lifting her off her feet. I kissed her with my entire soul, pouring all of my love into that kiss. She kissed me back and for a moment the sounds of our cheering family drifted away. Time felt endless as I kissed the woman I loved. I didn't know where I ended and she began but that didn't matter.
It didn't matter that the white blanket was slipping from our shoulders or that the wind was cold. It didn't matter that I was a werewolf, destined to forever be a warrior to protect my tribe. And it didn't matter that in all likelihood I would have less than a year of married life. All that matter was in that moment we were happy. We were whole.
"I love you Jacob," she whispered against my lips.
I married the woman of my dreams on a Tuesday.