A/N: Ok you guys I had a serious meltdown this week. I was writing away quite happily and I was going back over the other chapters of this story when I realized something awful. I whipped out my copy of New Moon to confirm said awfulness. There is a scene in chapter two in which Jake talks about Emily's chicken and being beaten with wooden spoons. When I wrote that I was one hundred percent certain it was a scene briefly described in NM (which I haven't read in over a year) and did not give it another thought. I was wrong. I was so very wrong. I have subconsciously plagiarized another work of fan fiction by an awesome writer. Yeah. This caused me to curl up into the fetal position and sob for at least three hours, followed by several stiff drinks and three huge Easter eggs. The story I accidentally plagiarized is by auderyii_fic and it's called The Movement of the Earth (you've probably read it but if you haven't go read it now. It's so freaking awesome). I was gonna change that scene but I decided against it because a) it's hard to edit already published stuff and b) just looking at that scene now makes me wanna vomit. I thought I'd just tell you guys and let you know that it killed me and my subconscious is very, very sorry.
Again I know nothing about babies or cancer treatments. Some things may be wrong as a result and I apologize. My only research tool is Google, which is not great but is better than nothing. Also any real living person or lyrics mentioned in this story are not owned by me. I thought I should just cover my ass there.
Also I am aware this chapter took quite some time to get up. There is a reason for that. I got an awesome new job (yay!) which has taken away a lot of my time to write (boo!). That being said I have three weeks off so I can write more. But I am also going on a road trip to Sydney in that time (yay!) and I don't know what my internet connection will be like and therefore do not know when the next chapter will be up (boo!). Life sucks some times. But I will definitely have the next chapter and the epilogue done for when I return so they should both be up by the 28th of this month by the very latest. If its not feel free to kick my ass. No really go for gold. Ok enough bitching lets get on with the good stuff!
Chapter Six
Friday
I awoke with a start and glanced at the clock. The numbers glowed a bright green telling me it was quarter past two in the morning. The baby monitor was lit up like a Christmas tree with Sarah hollering down louder than any baby should ever be able to scream. Taraja was right; this kid had one hell of a set of lungs on her. I forced myself to sit up, my whole body feeling disconnected. I had only had an hour an a half of sleep since I put Sarah down for the third time this evening.
"It's ok I got it," Bella groaned next to me, rolling over onto her back.
"Don't worry about it Bells," I mumbled at her, swinging my legs out of the bed.
"You've gotten up all night, it's my turn Jake," Bella yawned, sitting up.
"Yeah and you've only been home for four days. You need to rest," I told her standing up. I looked down at the bed and Bella frowned at me. She opened her mouth to protest but I cut her off before she could begin.
"I'm already up. Its ok, just go back to sleep," I soothed her. She gave up on arguing and flopped down onto the bed. I stumbled out of the room, pulling my sweats up as they slid down my backside. I pushed Sarah's door open and crossed it in a single step to the white crib. Sarah looked up at me when I appeared and her cries increased tenfold.
"It's ok, I've got you," I whispered as I picked her up gently. I held her to my bare chest and placed a hand on her diaper. She was as dry as a desert. I stifled a yawn and carried my crying daughter out of the room toward the kitchen.
"Alright it's coming," I assured her as I fished a clean bottle out from the cabinet. I grabbed the formula and the spring water from the same shelf but didn't bother to close the door for now. I made the bottle as quickly as I could without dropping Sarah, although my supernatural agility and speed sure did help. I flipped the hot water on in the sink and held the bottle under it, waiting impatiently for it to warm up. If you had told me a year ago that I could make a bottle for a screaming newborn in my sleep in less than two minutes I would have laughed at you and told you that you were insane.
Bella had wanted to breast feed but after the first few days the doctors had told her to stop. Sarah had gotten all of the protective stuff the OB's kept going on about that only a mother's milk could give in the first few days but Dr. Tikvah had told us it would be best if Bella got a dose of chemotherapy as soon as possible. And breast feeding while getting chemo is not a good idea. Bella had been torn, but I had pushed her. She needed the chemo and babies had survived on formula before. After almost ten months of no treatment, Bella got her first dose of chemo at the end of that week with me and Sarah there to support her.
Bella had had to stay in hospital for almost two weeks after her surgery and Sarah had gone home three days after she was born with me. We had visited Bella every day but when visiting hours were over and I was forced from her bedside I had to look after Sarah alone. I tried not to take it as a premonition. The first three days had been terrifying. Emily practically lived with me, showing me what to do but I was scared shitless that I would screw it all up somehow. After all, my daughter's life was literally in my hands when I carried her, what if I dropped her? Or gave her the wrong formula?
I shut off the tap and tested the bottle on my wrist. Sarah was still screaming at me as I left the kitchen and sunk onto the couch. I held the nipple to her mouth but she just didn't seem to want it. She looked up at me as if to say 'why are you doing this to me?'. Sarah's eyes were startling. We hadn't seen them until the day after she was born but when she opened them I fell even more in love with her. Sarah had Bella's beautiful milk chocolate eyes. They were identical in every way from the exact match of color to the love and trust behind them.
"Come on Sarah," I moaned, trying again with no success. Sarah squirmed away, determined to cry all night long. I sighed and placed the bottle on the coffee table, running a hand across my eyes.
"You're not hungry, you don't need changed. What do you want kid? I need some clues," I asked her. Sarah stopped crying momentarily when I spoke to her but as soon as I stopped her eyes screwed up and it started all over again. I stood up, pulling her back into my chest.
"Sarah, your killing me here. You're barely three weeks old and you're already killing me. I though I had to wait until you were sixteen to do that," I muttered. Sarah stopped crying again, like she was listening to me. I stood still for a second hoping it was over, but as soon as that thought entered my head the crying started up again in my ear. I walked her down the hall into her tiny room.
"Ok you want me to talk to you, I'm talking," I whispered and she grizzled at me. I placed a hand on the back of her head and walked around the nursery slowly. The baby monitor was still on and lit up, casting a soft pink light into the room.
"What talking is not good enough for you now?" I asked her. She whined again in my ear. I moved her away from my shoulder and into my arms like I had first held her in the hospital. She waved a balled up fist at me angrily. I touched her hand with my pointer finger and she grabbed onto it immediately. I smiled at her but Sarah just opened her mouth to grab another lungful of air to scream at me. I don't know why I did it but it just popped into my head.
"You say yes, I say no. You say stop and I say go, go, go. Oh no. You say goodbye and I say hello," I sang at her softly. She paused mid-scream and looked up at me. I rushed on scared that if I stopped for a moment the crying would start again. I rocked side to side as I sang.
"Hello, Hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello," I sung a little louder. Sarah had stopped crying completely and I shifted her, holding her against my chest again. I kept swaying from side to side, dancing with my daughter.
"I say high, You say low. You say why and I say I don't know, oh no. You say goodbye and I say hello," I kissed Sarah's head as I paused for a breath, her little hand still clinging to my finger, "Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello."
I heard a little noise from the hallway and glanced up as Bella stepped quietly into the room. Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears and her fingers to her mouth as she watched me. I kept rocking back and forth and Sarah started fussing so I continued, watching Bella watching me.
"Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello," I sung as Bella crossed the room. I lifted my arm so that Sarah wouldn't have to let go of my finger and Bella slid under it. Her pale hand came up brushing Sarah's face that rested against my shoulder. Bella swayed with us now, danced with us.
"You say good bye, and I say hello," we sung together. I glanced down at her in surprise, and the collected tears finally slipped down her cheeks. She stood on her tippy-toes and I lent down to kiss her mouth softly.
"Your mother would be so proud of you if she could see the man you grew up into," she whispered as she pulled away from my mouth. She wiped away the tears on her cheeks and leaned into my chest, next to Sarah. I leant my chin on the top of her bald head and swallowed back the hot feeling in my throat. Bella and I both started signing in unison again.
"Hello, Hello. I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello."
"Oh she's just adorable!" Renee squealed, as Bella placed Sarah in Renee's arms. Renee started cooing at Sarah, fussing with the pink coverall that Bella had dressed her in after her bath. Sarah looked up at Renee like a deer caught in headlights. It was so cute but I bit my tongue so as to not start laughing.
Billy and Charlie were here too, seated at the round dining table plowing their way through the pile of sandwiches Bella had made for them. Renee sat next to Bella on the couch making baby noises at Sarah. I was sprawled on the floor, running my fingers up and down Bella's smooth calf and trying to think of an excuse to leave. I had to be on patrol in twenty minutes.
"She looks just like you Jacob," Renee said to me, her eyes still locked on Sarah. I glanced up at her. Everyone said that Sarah looked exactly like me but when ever I looked at her all I saw was Bella.
"I told you Jake," Bella said with a smile, her fingers in my hair. I just shrugged. The first night in the hospital Bella and I had argued for twenty minutes about who Sarah looked more like. We had spent nearly an hour counting toes and comparing her skin color to mine before the arguing began. Bella had always said from the get go that me and Sarah looked identical but I didn't see it as much as everyone else. To me she was all Bella, just with black hair and darker skin.
"If you say so," I replied evasively. Bella snorted but I ignored it.
"Jake, go get your old man a beer," Billy ordered from the table. I pulled myself up onto my feet and rolled my eyes at him.
"What your wheels don't work all of a sudden?" I asked sarcastically, grabbing one of the tuna salad sandwiches off the table.
"Hey I'm a cripple," Dad teased and Charlie laughed at him. A knock at the door interrupted my chance to come back with something witty. I shoved the sandwich in my mouth and headed toward the door.
"What about my beer?" Billy yelled at my back but I just waved him off over my shoulder. The knocking was getting impatient. I hurried down the hallway and yanked the door open. Leah stood there with her fist in the air about to knock again.
"You took your time," Leah scoffed. She dropped her hand and shifted the suspiciously large handbag on her shoulder.
"What are you doing here?" I asked apprehensively, taking in her perfectly applied lipstick and tidy hair. She was even wearing perfume. Leah never wore make up, not that I could remember anyway.
"Hi Jacob! I've missed you too!" Leah exclaimed, her voice dripping with false enthusiasm. Yup still the same Leah underneath the new make up.
"Funny," I said dryly, leaning against the open door, my hand still wrapped around the door handle. Leah smiled at me but it was hardly sincere.
"I try. Seth called me. He said you had a kid or something," she explained, waving her hand dismissively as if I just happened to have kids all the time. I raised an eyebrow and waited for the real reason. Leah never gave anyone the full story. Even when she was in wolf form she was always able to hide enough from us so that we didn't really know her motives behind much. Embry said it was a girl thing, Sam said it was a female wolf thing and I just thought it was the way Leah was. Kind of like how Cullen couldn't read Bella's mind. None of that changed the fact that I couldn't figure out why Leah was apparently here to see my kid.
"What I'm not allowed to be curious?" Leah asked with a sigh.
"You hate kids," I pointed out.
"I never said that," Leah said with a grimace.
"Uh huh," I hummed disbelievingly. She sucked on her teeth for a moment.
"Ok I'm here to see Bella as well," Leah admitted, brushing an imaginary speck of dirt from her shirt in a show of nonchalance.
"You hate Bella and kids. What are you really doing here?" I asked, my suspicions growing. Leah and I had developed something resembling a friendship after the newborn battle. We weren't the kind of friends that car pooled together and had lunch every Wednesday, but we were friends never the less. Leah had never really made any attempt to get to know Bella. The snide remarks had stopped after Bella and I had gotten together but their relationship was definitely not warm and fuzzy.
"I told you I don't hate kids. And even though she can be a complete idiot sometimes, I don't hate Bella ok?" Leah said defensively. She looked up at me when I choked out a laugh.
"Really? I remember you telling me once that she was crazy, stupid and what was that last one?" I wondered aloud, my finger to my chin as I pretended to think hard.
"I've called her so many things it's hard to keep track over the years. Psychotic perhaps?" she offered with a grin. I glared at her but she didn't seem to find it intimidating in the least. Nothing intimated Leah.
"And yet you don't hate her? Seems like an odd friendship." I dropped my hand from my chin and resisted the urge to close the door in her face. Leah knew how to push my buttons and she enjoyed pushing said buttons far too much. Bella was not psychotic. Ok maybe she had been a little bit when she was dating the leech but that was solely due to circumstance. Anyone would be if they were in love with a bloodsucker.
"I never said she was a friend, I said I don't hate her. Kind of like how I don't hate Simon Cowell even though he is insane and a complete douche bag," Leah quipped, still grinning at me.
"You watch American Idol?" I mocked her. She lost her grin and tilted her head at me.
"It's a bunch of people making idiots of themselves on national television. What's not to love?" she explained as if it wasn't plainly obvious.
"That is true. Still doesn't explain why you're here though," I said, cutting through the petty crap. Leah took a deep breath and adjusted the huge bag once more. She twisted her slim fingers together and she dropped her eyes from mine.
"Bella and I have an understanding," Leah said carefully. I felt my eyebrows shoot up. Leah was a lot of things but cautious wasn't one of them. Something was officially up.
"An understanding?" I repeated slowly.
"Yeah," she said with a nod.
"Care to elaborate?" I asked with a frustrated sigh.
"Nope," she said, shaking her head now. I was about to start yelling at her but she cut me off before I could even get the chance to speak.
"I saw Embry before I came here; he said you'd need an excuse to slip out for patrols so I'm the excuse. You gonna let me in?" she asked, shoving her way past me without waiting for an answer.
"How are you an excuse? Unless you're here to annoy me into leaving. I have to say you're doing quite well so far," I sneered, closing the door with a snap.
"That's not it, although it is an added bonus. I'm going to pretend to go all gaga over your kid. That makes guys run for the hills right?" she said with false sweetness. Now I understood why she was all done up. Leah was dressed to impress and despite what she had said, annoy the crap out of me.
"You can't do gaga," I snorted.
"Oh really?" Leah asked with a smile that was nothing short of evil on her face. She turned away from me, striding down the hall. I took a second before following her even though I was pretty sure I was going to regret it.
"Hello boys and girls," Leah drawled as she made her way over to the couch and flopped down beside Bella. I expected Bella to look confused or at least surprised at Leah's random visit but if she was she didn't show it. I sat down on the coffee table in front of them. Renee had never met Leah before, leant forward with Sarah still in her lap.
"Hi I'm Renee, are you a friend of Bella?" Renee asked politely, sticking her hand out. Leah didn't take it.
"Of sorts," Leah replied, tossing a smirk in my direction. Renee didn't seem to know what to make of that and let her hand drop. No one spoke for what felt like hours, but in reality it couldn't have been more that sixty uncomfortable seconds.
"Would you like to hold Sarah?" Bella asked, pulling Sarah out of Renee's hands. Leah dumped the handbag on the floor with a thud and allowed Bella to transfer my daughter into her lap. She held Sarah with surprising ease and a strange look on her face. I had half expected her to not even want to touch Sarah despite what she had said at the front door. Instead she held my daughter as comfortably as if she had dealt with babies all of her life, her face looked almost sad. Leah's long fingers stroked Sarah's cheek and Sarah turned toward the touch, her huge brown eyes looking up at Leah with total trust. Leah's eyes met mine and I swear for a moment I caught a look of something more, something envious.
"She is pretty fucking cute. Which is surprising seeing as she sprung from your loins," Leah said flippantly, her eyes still on me. Renee made a strangled sound at Leah's casual use of the f-word. Leah looked down at Sarah again and her face softened slightly, some of the sadness and bitterness leaking out of it.
"That's one way of putting it," Charlie said gruffly, pulling himself out of his chair at the dinning table. Leah nodded absentmindedly.
"Yeah it is isn't it?" she half whispered, running her fingers over Sarah's face again. Billy had rolled over from the small table, with Charlie behind him. Leah scooped up Sarah and gently handed her back to Bella. As she handed her back Leah bit her lip and Bella nodded. I think I was the only one who saw it.
"So what brings you back down to La Push Leah?" Dad asked, parking himself next to me on the coffee table.
"Yeah Leah what brings you back to La Push?" I mimicked sarcastically. Leah ignored me, turning toward my father.
"Seth called to tell me all about the little bundle of joy," Leah said with a smile, sounding shockingly sincere. I narrowed my eyes at her. I didn't buy it for a second.
"She's a miracle," Renee cooed, her entire focus on Sarah who was starting to nod off.
"We were just saying how she looks just like Jake," Bella told Leah.
"Not too sure that'd be a good thing," Leah said with a laugh.
"Thanks Leah," I growled. Leah shrugged and smiled at Bella, the picture of innocence.
"Just saying. I think she looks more like you Bella," she said, reaching out and brushing Sarah's jet black hair back off her face. It stuck up in a million different angles, making Sarah look like she had just stuck a knife in a toaster.
"Really? Everyone else says she looks like Jacob, except for Jake of course," Bella said with a little frown. Bella had argued with me every time I had said Sarah looked like her and with Leah she just lets it slide. Leah is scary though, my mind reminded me. Yeah wasn't that the truth?
"Is that so?" Leah asked with way too much interest, glancing back at me. I met her stare evenly. There was no way I was showing any sign of weakness, not while Leah was acting so fishy. Leah looked away first, her features almost guilty for a split second. Her face was back to barely concealed glee so fast that I was sure that I had imagined it.
"What's in the bag?" Bella asked none too subtlety. Something was going on between these two and I was desperate to know what. Leah was a schemer; nothing good could come out of this. I bet if I had read my horoscope today it would have read something along the lines of great misfortune and humiliation are sure to befall you today.
"I was cleaning out some old junk in mom's attic and I found this," Leah explained pulling what looked like an old photo album out of her bag. She dumped it on the table next to me with a bang. Sarah jerked awake with a start.
"This should settle the great debate," Leah explained as Bella soothed Sarah. Leah flipped open the front page and shuffled through the album until she found what she was looking for. I started down at the pictures of a baby dressed in green shorts and a white shirt, spaghetti sauce all over his face. After a moment I realized that it was me I was looking at. I had never seen this picture before.
"Is that you Jake?" Charlie asked staring at the small photo on the page.
"Yeah I think so," I replied with a nod. Why did Leah have baby pictures of me? That didn't make any sense at all.
"That is you Jacob. Sue had these?" Billy's voice was surprised, and he reached out, pulling the photo album closer to him. He flipped the page slowly and I saw a bunch of pictures that I recognized, but more that I didn't. Rachael and Rebecca running around the Clearwater's back yard. A seven year old Leah holding a toddler version of Seth covered in make up. Pictures of me sitting on the beach with dad next to me, our faces stained orange by fire light. There were even some of Bella from when she was little and Charlie would bring her round. I pulled a picture out of the album. It was of me and Bella sitting in a dingy next to Charlie, both of us holding those little kid's fishing rods. I had my arm around her shoulders and we were both smiling at the camera. Bella's two front teeth were missing.
"Yeah from when we were kids. She told me her and Sarah used to always make copies of each others pictures incase the other lost them or something," Leah explained as I passed the picture in my hand to Bella. She smiled at the photo.
"I haven't seen these in years. That's the twin's first day of school," Dad exclaimed in pleasure, pointing to a picture of my sisters packing up knapsacks that looked far too big for them. My mom was standing behind Rebecca, pulling her hair into a pony tail.
"I think there are even a few naked ones of Jake in here somewhere," Leah said, pulling the album toward her.
"What?" I gasped as Leah pulled a photo from the album.
"Ah ha here we go. Naked Jacob," Leah said with a smile, the evil one from before. She flipped it around so we could all see. I was sitting in the bath (without any bubbles mind you) with a flowery pink shower cap on, one of my sister's Barbie dolls in hand. I couldn't have been more than three. I felt my face flush.
"No way," I yelped reaching out for the photo. Bella pulled it out of Leah's hand and showed Renee. The simultaneous cooing almost did me in on the spot. Billy and Charlie had started laughing at me.
"Oh Jacob you were so cute when you were little," Renee gushed.
"Yeah I wonder what went wrong. Oh look another one!" Leah sighed happily pulling another photo of me out of the album. This time I was standing on first beach without any clothes on, just baby blue floaters around my arms. Why did parents have to take pictures of their children without any clothes on?
"Sarah and you totally look the same, look at that," Bella giggled, pointing from the photo in Leah's hand to Sarah in her lap, who was sleeping right through her father's humiliation.
"Ok that's it I'm outta here," I said, jumping to my feet. Charlie and Dad were laughing even harder now.
"Oh don't be such a baby," Leah teased.
"Give me that," I snatched at the photo in Leah's hand but she pulled it out of my reach. She may not be phasing anymore but she was still fast as hell.
"Now, now play nice," Leah scolded mockingly, shaking her finger back and forth at me. Leah turned to Bella an excited look on her face.
"You know I've seen these professional baby picture setups they have at the mall. You should get a picture of Jake and Sarah together. They even have matching outfits!" Leah said, reaching into her bag again and pulling out a shiny brochure.
"Really?" Bella asked a smile stretched across her face from ear to ear.
"Oh yeah. Look at the catalogue. There are heaps but I think you should go with Peter Pan and Wendy," Leah laughed looking over at me; flipping the brochure open "I think Jake would look great in the green tights."
"Oh my goodness that is adorable! You have to do that," Renee squealed. Charlie and Billy sounded like they were going into cardiac arrest with all of the wheezing and choked laughter. Dad even had tears streaming down his face.
I glared at Leah, too angry and embarrassed to even argue with her. I stormed out of the room in a huff Charlie and Billy's laughter increased with every step I took. I knew it was childish but I couldn't help it. At least I had an excuse to leave for patrols.
"That was a bit of an overreaction," Charlie wheezed out between laughter.
"Better hope temper tantrums are not a genetic trait," Leah replied. I slammed the front door but I could still hear them laughing behind it.
"Do we have to listen to this crap?" I moaned throwing the jumble of Christmas lights onto the coffee table. Christmas lights were evil. I had been trying to untangle them for over thirty minutes and I was about to give up and go to the store and just buy new ones. Bella shot me a look from the other side of the room.
"Don't curse in front of the baby Jake," she scolded me, waving her hand at Sarah who was next to me, having the time of her life in one of those swinging chairs. Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer was playing on the TV and I had heard it at least three times already this evening.
"Bells, she's four months old. She doesn't know what a curse word is. She doesn't know any words, do you Sarah?" I asked her. Sarah laughed at me and I took that for a yes. I looked over at Bella smugly and she rolled her eyes.
"Besides Leah gets to swear in front of her. What's up with that?" I grumbled, tugging sharply on the string of lights. I accidentally snapped the cord and quickly shoved it out of sight before Bella could see. I still hadn't figured out what all of those looks had been about with those two the other month.
"That's just Leah. She swears," Bella muttered, kneeling next to the Christmas tree, sorting glass baubles by color. Red on the left, gold on the right.
"I curse too you know," I told her, rolling the Christmas lights up into a messy ball and shoving them back into their box. I was buying new ones I decided, even if I hadn't just destroyed that set.
"Don't put them away we have to put them on the tree," Bella sighed, crawling her way over to me carefully so as to not crush on the ornaments that were scattered about the room. I pushed some of the decorations near me out of the way so that her path would be clear.
"Thanks," she mumbled, settling down on the floor next to me. She pulled the broken Christmas lights out of the box and glared at me.
"You broke them?" she exclaimed, holding up the snapped cord as evidence.
"Accidentally Bells," I admitted sheepishly.
"Great now we are going to have to buy more and you have to put the lights on first or other wise it just doesn't look right," Bella groaned, dropping her head into her hands and the lights into her lap.
"Hey, its just Christmas lights, we can get more," I told her, rubbing her back with my hand. She kept her head in her hands. I glanced over to Sarah as if she could help me but she was consumed with trying to find a way to get her foot into her mouth.
"But these were perfect! They matched the decorations exactly and they were the last set in the store!" Bella wailed, her voice muffled by her hands. I pulled the lights out of her lap and tossed them onto the coffee table.
"Bella, don't worry about it. Christmas will be fine even without perfect lights," I soothed. Bella shook her head a mumbled something that sounded like 'ruined' and 'stupid werewolf strength'.
"Why are you getting so worked up over this?" I asked desperately, reaching over with one hand to pull Sarah's foot out of her mouth. Bella hands dropped into her now empty lap and she watched me fix Sarah. She wrapped both arms around my waist and rested her head on my chest.
"I just wanted it to be perfect. I hunted everywhere for the right stuff so it would look good and I was so happy when I found those lights. I just wanted it to be wonderful and amazing because it could be the only Christmas I get to spend with her," she whispered. I closed my eyes for a moment and cursed myself for my stupidity. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it earlier.
"It could be my last Christmas with you," Bella continued and my eyes snapped open. I pulled her back away from my chest and she hung her head. I cupped her chin forcing her to look at me. She wasn't crying but that was worse than if she was. Instead she looked so miserable, so gutted at the thought that this might be our last Christmas. Lately our whole lives were beginning to revolve around possible lasts.
"Don't say that," I whispered.
"It could be though," Bella said softly.
"Even if it is lights wont make a difference. Just don't say that," I told her. Bella pulled her chin away from my hand and grabbed the lights off the table again. She picked at the ripped cardboard packaging for a moment, biting her lip so hard I was worried she was going to chew it right off.
She was thinner again, never regaining the weight she had put on before the pregnancy. Dark circles under eyes marred her perfect porcelain skin even though she slept more than ten hours a day. She could hardly ever stay awake; everything exhausted her especially looking after a demanding four month old child. And it was terrifying. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders again, ignoring the way her shoulder blades dug into them.
Bella had every right to worry. Her time was expired and according to the doctors she could go downhill at any moment. I refused to think about it but we both knew slowly but surely Bella was getting worse. We both saw the signs of her getting weaker, sicker, but neither of us spoke about it aloud. Looks had been enough, but apparently they weren't anymore.
"Bells I know you are worried and I am too. But even if this is your last Christmas it wouldn't matter if we didn't have the stupid lights or a tree or presents or any of that stuff. All that matters is that were all here together," I said gently. Bella stopped picking at the box and looked up at me.
"That was really corny you know," she said with a little smile.
"Yeah I know," I conceded "but still true."
"You asked me on our honeymoon if I was scared to die," Bella said quietly after a few moments.
"You said you weren't," I whispered, kissing her temple gently.
"I know."
"Are you now?" I asked against her skin, frightened of the answer. Bella had been the rock through out this. I had gotten better but she handled the whole thing with much more ease than I ever could. I don't know if that was because her life had been threatened so much when she was younger that she had just gotten used to it or if because she was a stronger person than I was. Then again if it had been the other way round and I was the one dying I wasn't so sure she would be so calm. Maybe it all just came down to circumstances, but either way if Bella was scared now I didn't know how I would be able to handle that. I wasn't sure I could help her through that when I could barely help myself through it.
"No but I just wanted to tell you…I mean I wanted to say…I don't know how to word it right," Bella huffed out a sigh of frustration. I felt a wave of relief at knowing that Bella's strength was not crumbling away. I would have hated for her to turn to me for help and not be able to give it to her.
"Its ok, take you time," I told her, my fingers absentmindedly drawing circles on her upper arm. She was frowning in concentration, over thinking as always. I kissed her forehead and the frown lines disappeared, if only for a moment.
"I know you are scared Jake. But I don't want you to be. I'm not scared so you shouldn't be either," Bella said her voice soft but strong. She was looking at me the same way she did when she first told me she had cancer; determined.
"I can't help it Bells. I don't understand how you can't be scared," I admitted with a twinge of guilt. Bella insisted I helped her just by being there but it still felt as if I should be doing more.
"I don't see the point in being afraid of the inevitable. I know I'm going to die and I don't want what little time I have left to be marred by fear. I don't want fear to ruin your time left too. I hate that you feel bad about it. So don't ok," she said, shifting her body a little, climbing into my lap. I pulled her closer to me, loving the way she melted into my body.
"I'm trying," I whispered.
"I know," she whispered back, pressing her lips against mine. The kiss was short and bittersweet. Bella fingers were trailing over my back and mines mimicked hers, trying to remember every curve, every line. The heavy air between us was broken by a gurgling sound. We both glanced to our left and saw that Sarah had managed to pull both of her feet up and was happily sucking on her toes. It broke the mood successfully.
Bella and I both started laughing as Bella pushed the button to stop the swing moving. She pulled Sarah out of the swing with ease and settle back into my lap. Sarah smiled at the both of us, waving her hands in the air. Jingle Bells Rock was playing on the TV now.
"There is one thing I am scared of Jake," Bella admitted as she wiped the drool off Sarah's toes with a scrap of spare wrapping paper she had found on the floor. I didn't ask her what it was I just waited quietly looking from Sarah to Bella and back again. Bella was staring at Sarah's smiling face intently.
"I'm scared she won't remember me," Bella said sadly looking away from Sarah's face to mine.
"I won't let that happen," I assured her, even though I was unsure of how I would fulfill that promise. But I knew what it was like to forget things about your mother; I wouldn't let that happen to Sarah. I may not be able to let go of my fear of Bella dying the way Bella could but I could at least make sure our daughter remembered her.
"How?" Bella asked her voice barely above a whisper.
"I just won't. She won't forget you," I assured her vehemently, "she will know all about you. I will tell her everything. She won't forget you."
"You promise?"
"Yeah I promise."
"Can I hold the baby?" Claire asked shyly.
"Only if you sit down first," Bella told her and Claire scrambled up onto the log next to Bella. We were at the beach having a bonfire for New Years Eve. The whole pack was here as usual, all of them loud, rude and kicking up a fuss.
I was sitting next to Emily on the other side of the bonfire watching Bella show Claire how to hold Sarah properly. Terry was sitting at Bella's feet with a bunch of army men. He kept tugging on Bella's jeans showing her all of the little figures. Bella smiled at him and listened to each of his very long and in-depth back story he had made up for each solider.
"She is really good with kids," Emily said to me.
"Yeah she is," I agreed. Bella wrapped the blanket around her shoulders a little tighter and helped Claire adjust Sarah in her lap.
"What have the doctors said? Does she have much more time left or…" Emily trailed off. I glanced over at her. She was chewing on her finger nails of her scarred hand, her other hand in Sam's who was pretending to ignore us, letting us talk privately. Well as privately as we could seeing as nearly everyone here had super hearing.
"They are surprised she is still going. We don't really know how much time we have left," I told her. I didn't say aloud that in all reality Bella could die tomorrow. Every morning when I woke up I always rolled over and made sure she was still breathing. It was excruciating not knowing when it would happen but at the same time I was thankful I didn't know. Because every day I woke up and Bella was still breathing was another day that we could spend together.
"It's good that your work is letting you stay home," Emily said, letting her hand drop from her mouth. I nodded in agreement. Dowling's had allowed me to stay home with pay given our circumstances. I had to give up my next few years of paid leave but I didn't care. It was worth it.
"Bella is scared Sarah wont remember her," I said quietly.
"I can understand that," Emily said, her voice strained "if it was me in Bella's position I would want Terry to remember me."
"I promised her I wouldn't let Sarah forget and I don't know how I'm going to do that. People can't remember things from when they are babies," I muttered hopelessly. Emily didn't respond for awhile and I thought she wasn't going say anything more. I glanced over the fire at Bella who had let Terry climb into her lap. She smiled at me over his head.
"That's not always true," Emily said slowly.
"What do you mean?" I queried, tilting my head round to see her face in the fire light. She sighed gently, pushing her hair off her face.
"My grandma died when I was eight months old but I swear I can remember her. Not completely mind you but I remember her eyes and her soft fingertips on my hand. It's not much but I remember her," she told me, her face screwed up as she tried to remember her lost grandmother.
"Do you think Sarah might do that?" I breathed looking back over the fire. Sarah was reaching out toward Bella now, and she shifted Terry onto the log next to her, scooping up Sarah slowly. I saw a look of pain flash across her face but she bit her lip and wiped it off from her features quickly. She had been doing that a lot lately, hiding the increasing physical pain she was in. I didn't know if she knew I knew she was hurting more than she let on. Sarah snuggled in Bella, a happy smile on her face.
"From the way that little girl loves her, yeah I do. It's not the same as having a mother but it's better than nothing," Emily's voice was mournful as she watched Bella fix the top button of Sarah's coat that had worked its way open. A loud bang sounded overhead and the beach lit up a bright green and pink as the first of the fireworks went off.
She was right. It was not the same as remembering a loved one but it was better than not remembering anything. It was hope.
Our lives may have been filling up with lasts but there were firsts too. Sarah said her first word at six months old. Bella was feeding her in the highchair at the dining table and we were talking over dinner. The day had been nothing special so far until Sarah looked right at Bella and said a single word.
"Mama," she cooed. Bella and I both fell silent. Well Bella did, I choked on my steak.
"Did she just speak?" Bella asked not taking her eyes of Sarah.
"She said mama," I confirmed looking at Sarah with awe. Sarah laughed at us, squishing her hands through the pulverized peas that Bella had been trying (unsuccessfully, I might add) to get her to eat. She had no idea of the stir she had just caused.
"Mama," Sarah said again, holding out a pea covered hand. After the initial shock had worn off Bella had curled up on the couch with Sarah for over an hour. She had tears running down her face and Sarah clung to her happily. She said mama over and over again, her little hands never once letting go of the front of Bella shirt.
She started crawling not long after that and damn the kid was fast. Sam had warned me that once a kid starts crawling you will never have a moment's peace and he was right. Sarah was determined to explore the world and she was a regular escape artist. Bella had invested in baby gates one day when I was out on patrol and I just about broke my neck stumbling over the one at the garage door when I came home in the middle of the night. Bella had said I should have been able to see it given my heightened sight. I had told her it was hard to send a text message and watch out for random baby gates at the same time even if I was a werewolf.
Sarah took her first steps at ten months clinging onto my finger tips. Bella had caught her when she stumbled, laughing with her. Seeing Bella kneeling on the summer grass of our backyard, Sarah shrieking happily in her arms made my eyes prickle. This might be Bella's last summer but at least she was there for Sarah's first.
My knee bounced nervously and Bella's slim, pale hand reached out, resting on it. I stopped bouncing my leg and Bella gave me a small smile. It felt strange being somewhere with Bella but without Sarah. Leah had offered to baby sit for us and we had dropped her off at Sue's place early this morning.
The door behind us clicked open and Dr Tikvah walked into her office. She smiled and greeted us in her whispery voice before sitting down behind the glass desk. Bella's medical file was n her hands and it was thick.
"How are you two? Adjusting well to being parents?" she asked us as she flipped open the file.
"It's different," Bella said with a smile. Dr. Tikvah smiled back and pushed her gasses up her nose, studying Bella's face. She glanced down at the notes for about thirty seconds, tapping a pen in her hand against the paper.
"You're looking quite well considering," she noted, closing the file gently "How has your pain been?"
"It's a little bit worse," Bella admitted. A little bit was an understatement. I had caught her the other day with her face screwed up and her arms wrapped around her middle in the kitchen. She had told me it was fine, that it happened all the time but was determined to get her to the hospital. She wouldn't let me take her to the E.R but had agreed to schedule a time to see Dr. Tikvah as soon as possible, even though that had meant driving up to Seattle.
"And the fatigue?" Dr. Tikvah continued, standing up and coming around her desk. She leant against the desk in front of us, bringing the pen to her mouth.
"She been sleeping a good twelve hours a day," I told her.
"Is that because of the chemo or the leukemia?" Bella asked.
"Its both. The chemo batters your body and takes a lot out of you. But your leukemia has progressed into its final stage. Your body is trying to fight the leukemia and deal with the harsh chemo at the same time so it's not uncommon to find someone in your position sleeping that much," Dr Tikvah explained.
"But she got better before, can't she get better again?" I asked threading my fingers through Bella's on my knee. Dr. Tikvah shook her head at me.
"The fact that Bella is in this room just now talking to me coherently and without crippling pain is in its self a miracle. But the test results show no improvement."
"The chemo isn't working anymore?" Bella asked her voice small.
"Chemotherapy buys time but the longer you use it against a terminal illness the less time you buy. When you first started it gave you two years but now…Bella in reality you should have passed away ten months ago. You should not have survived this long according to the tests."
"Well if the tests are wrong about that maybe the tests are wrong about there being no improvement," I countered hotly, ever the optimist.
"There not," Dr. Tikvah assured me, her voice hard.
"But you just said that-" I spluttered my voice growing louder with anger.
"What would happen if I went off chemo? Would I loose a lot of time?" Bella interrupted me. I turned to face her, surprised. Bella couldn't be serious, she could not stop chemo.
"The chemo isn't really helping you that much anymore Bella. Yes every time you do have chemo it buys you a little bit more time. But we are talking days not months now. Eventually it won't give you any more time at all," Dr. Tikvah explained slowly.
"How many of my symptoms will disappear if I stop treatment?" Bella asked completely focused on the doctor. I had no idea she was considering stopping chemotherapy and the idea shocked me. Knowing Bella this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. She had been thinking about this for awhile.
"The nausea should lessen as well as some of the tiredness. If you decide to stop we can give you more pain medicine as well to make you more comfortable," Dr Tikvah said and Bella nodded, that determined look back on her face.
"I want to stop chemo."
"Bella you can't," I gasped, turning in my chair so I was facing her. She turned toward me too, snatching both of my hands up in hers.
"Jake, I don't want to spend my last days feeling like I'm going to throw up every where. Or be too tired to see straight. We are at the end of the road here; I don't wanna spend it hunched over the toilet," she told me, her voice sure and rock steady. I shook my head like I had water in my ears.
The fact that Bella had gotten better before on our honeymoon seemed to me that the chemo was working. Dr. Tikvah was so sure that it wasn't but she admitted herself that test results could be wrong. If they had been right in the first place Bella shouldn't have been alive just now. I looked up at Dr. Tikvah.
"Will stopping the chemo take away some of her time?" I asked her, my voice hoarse.
"Maybe a few days. But really Bella could pass away an hour from now chemo or no chemo. There's no way to be sure, but no I don't think it will take away a significant amount of time." I nodded at her turning back to Bella.
"Please Jake. I want to be able to spend as much time with you and Sarah feeling better, feeling human," she pleaded.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" I asked, squeezing her fingers with mine. I hated the idea. I didn't want to give up just yet and that's what it felt like. But I didn't want Bella to suffer either. I was caught between a rock and a hard place and I didn't know which was worse of the two.
"Yes," Bella responded her eyes blazing. Bella agonized over decisions but once she made them she followed through. If she thought this was best maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Lose a few days but gain a few more in which she would feel better. It was a horrible thing to have to weigh up.
"Fine," I gave in, hating myself for it. But I had promised Bella I would stand by her, support her. And that's what I would do.
"She sleeping," Bella sighed as she slipped back into bed. Sarah was sleeping through the nights now but she still woke up every now and then. I rolled onto my side and pulled Bella into my body. It had been a month since the meeting with Dr. Tikvah and Bella had given up on chemo.
She was somewhat better. She stayed awake a little longer; her nausea had faded as had her pain. But the anxiety I felt every morning to see if she was still alive by my side had increased dramatically. She had asked me once if I had been mad at her for stopping the chemo and I had told her I wasn't. It was true, I wasn't mad. But I was scared. Reality was closing in and days seemed to breeze by much too fast.
"Was she ok?" I asked her, my fingers walking down her back.
"Just hungry," Bella assured me, wrapping cool arm over my side "Her first birthday is coming up soon. I can't believe she is nearly a year old already."
"I know I reckon we should leave Quil in charge. He's pro at fixing up girly parties," I joked.
"I going to be there," Bella murmured, raising her head from my shoulder to look at me. The moonlight pouring in from the window highlighted her pinched face. I ran my fingers over her cheekbone, and she closed her eyes a single tear escaping.
"You will be," I told her, wiping away the tear. I had gotten so used to the anxiety that the new knots in my stomach went almost unnoticed. She bit her lip, her chocolate eyes opening.
"I hope so," she whispered.
"There's no hope about it. You will be there Bella," I said, my face hard. Bella would be there, she would make it. The anxiety I had seemed to fade a little as I spoke. I didn't know how I knew but my gut did. My gut was normally right so I trusted it.
"You think so?" she asked and I nodded at her.
"I know so."
"What makes you so sure? I might not even make it to tomorrow," she asked, her breath catching a little. I held her tighter, kissing the top of her head.
"Because I'm here, I won't let anything bad happen. You will be there," I promised, bending my neck and kissing her sweet mouth once. Her arm trailed up my back and round my neck, holding me to her. She kissed me again, her mouth needy. We broke apart our breathing rough.
"You will be there Bells," I repeated, kissing her cheek "you will be there."
Terry ran past me screaming excitedly. He was jumping up and down like a lunatic, Sam chasing him around my back yard. Terry was fast but not fast enough. Sam grabbed him round the waist and hoisted him up over his shoulder. Embry appeared at my side, snickering.
"What did you do?" I asked him, watching as Terry struggled to get out of Sam's grasp. Sam dumped him down next to Emily and started to tell him off but Terry wasn't paying attention. Normally Terry hung on Sam's every word. Sam pried a crushed up bag out of Terry hands and he started to pout. I sensed a temper tantrum on the horizon (I was actually starting to wonder if I had a sixth sense when it came to temper tantrums. I had predicted more than a fair share of Sarah's).
"I gave him about five packets of pop rocks," Embry said with a laugh. I glanced at him with an eyebrow raised. Embry was giggling like a little school girl watching Sam try to calm down his hyper four year old. Sam looked up having caught the comment and glared at Embry across the yard.
"So you have a death wish," I concluded.
"Hey it's a kiddies party I have to get my kicks some how," Embry told me gesturing around the yard at all of the bright pink decorations. Quil and Bella had gone nuts setting up Sarah's first birthday party. Baby pink balloons hung from the trees and tables set up had bright pink and purple table covers. The food was mostly gone already seeing as the majority of the guests had a supernatural appetite.
Charlie was sitting next to Renee and Phil with a hot pink party hat on. Dad was next to him, his hat in his lap, refusing to wear it. Paul had two on his head looking like a demon. The only reason he was getting away with that was because Rachael was so heavily pregnant she couldn't swat them off his head.
Leah was with Seth and there were both picking on each other, the comments getting progressively nastier. Leah was trying to persuade Seth to give up phasing and go to college but Seth wasn't having any of it. Seth had been thinking abut college a lot lately and I had meant to talk to him myself about going. But life had been more than a bit crazy and I hadn't had as much time for the pack as I should of.
Bella was set up next to dad. Emily and Sam had brought the big chair from their house over again and she was rugged up in it. She was getting exhausted just from walking across a room but she was smiling and happy today. Sarah was standing in front of her, her little hands using Bella for support.
"Hey man when are we having cake?" Jared asked, appearing at my side. At least that's what I think he said seeing as he has just shoved half a burger in his mouth.
"Oh shit! Cake!" I yelped jumping up from my seat. I was supposed to have brought the cake out ten minutes ago but I had been distracted by a pop rocks induced temper tantrum.
"Want some help?" Jared asked eagerly.
"Yeah right. If I let you near that cake you will stuff it all down your throat before I even get it out the door," I scoffed. I headed inside, Embry falling into step beside me. I shoved a bunch of plastic wrappers and empty cups off the kitchen work top and pulled the pink cake out of the fridge. Bella had written 'Happy First Birthday Sarah' across it in her neat writing. Embry ripped the big number one candle out of its packet and stuck it into the icing in the middle of the cake.
"That is so not going to be enough cake for everyone," he observed as I fished around for a lighter. The cake was huge at least three times the size of a normal cake but I knew he was right.
"Yeah well it'll have to do," I muttered, pulling out a blue lighter from the utility drawer "You only get one piece."
"No fair!" Embry whined watching as I flicked the flame over the candles wick. It caught quickly and I picked up the cake.
"What time do you need me here tomorrow?" Embry asked as I walked past him with the cake, making my way to the back door. Embry was coming round to look after Sarah for an hour while Dr. Tikvah came round. She had told us that Bella's pain was becoming too difficult to manage with pills alone. She was going to set up a morphine drip in the morning.
"Um about ten I guess," I mumbled, swallowing hard. I didn't want Bella to go onto a drip. From what Dr. Tikvah had explained it seemed to be that once a drip was in place the patient normally didn't survive for very long after wards.
"No problem," Embry said gently with a nod. He reached out, patting my shoulder a moment as if he knew what I was thinking. Embry was my best friend so odds were he probably did. I cleared my throat.
"Go ahead will you and start singing?" I asked, nudging him with my elbow.
"Why can't you do it?" Embry asked, looking terrified. It made me smile for a brief second.
"Because I can't sing just go," I encouraged him. Embry went out the back door and I leant against the hallway wall for a moment. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm my self. When I heard Embry's voice sing out (badly) I pulled myself together and walked out the door.
Bella had Sarah on her lap and she was holding Sarah's wrists, making her clap. Bella grinned up at me as I placed the huge cake on the little table in front of her. I scooted around and knelt on the damp grass next to Bella's chair. Bella lifted Sarah up to the candle and we lent forward together to blow it out for her once the singing had stopped.
"Make a wish!" Renee cried out, snapping a photo at the same time. Bella's hand crept out grabbing mine and squeezed hard. I closed my eyes as we blew out the candle and I made my wish. I wished for Bella to be happy in the time we had left. I wished for Sara to remember her. I wished for just a little bit more time together, even if it was only just a few more days.
Everyone was clapping and cheering and I opened my eyes to see Quil had appeared with a stack of paper plates, pink of course. He handed me the knife and I started to cut up the cake with my free hand, my other still in Bella's. Sarah got the first slice and she smashed her hands into it, baby pink icing going everywhere. I laughed at her, kissing the top of her head.
Bella was still smiling at me, a long arm wrapped around Sarah's waist. I kissed her smiling mouth and her face was full of light. Full of happiness. Maybe one of my wishes had come true already.
"I made it," she whispered, hugging Sarah closer to her chest.
"I told you you would," I teased.
I sat next to my bed watching the steady rise and fall of Bella's breathing. Dr. Tikvah had just left and the morphine drip was in. I could hear Embry babbling at Sarah from the front room. I reached out, holding Bella's hand but she stayed asleep. Dr. Tikvah had warned us that because Bella was not used to the morphine she would probably sleep a lot more for the first few days. She was coming back tomorrow to make sure the dose was ok.
There was a soft knock on our bedroom door and it opened with a loud squeak. Charlie shuffled into the room. He heaved a deep sigh and undid his gun belt, placing it on the bureau. He sat down on the edge of the bed, across from me, and took Bella's other hand.
"How long has she been asleep for?" he asked, is voice tight and gruff. It was hard for me to see my wife like this and I knew it had to be just as hard for Charlie to see his only child clinging to life. Charlie reached up, pulling Bella's head scarf off her forehead and folding it neatly on the bed. His hand returned to hers, but the other gently stroked her bare skull.
"Only about five minutes," I told him. Charlie nodded, his fingers moving slowly over Bella's smooth skin.
"You know that's the only thing she got from me that you could see," he said, not taking his eyes from Bella's face.
"What is?" I asked, confused.
"Her hair. It was exactly the same color as mine. Bella's more like me on the inside but on the outside that was from me. Mostly she just looks like Renee," he replied his face was unreadable. I could barely remember what Bella looked like with hair anymore.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, unsure of what else to say. Charlie nodded again and we sat in silence for a long time. I lifted Bella's hand to my face and closed my eyes, holding her palm to my cheek. Her heart beat flickered against my skin. Charlie cleared his throat and I glanced over at him. He was watching me and his face was sad now.
"You know when Cullen left her and she fell apart I just about lost my hair trying to figure out how to help her. But you fixed her so effortlessly. You held her together when I couldn't, when she couldn't. And again through out all of this you stuck by her. You've kept her going," Charlie told me. I shook my head, placing Bella's hand back on the bed gently.
"I could have done more," I insisted. I glanced down at Bella and was thankful she was asleep, thankful she was relaxed. As much as I hated the new morphine drip, it took her pain away.
"What could you have done?" Charlie asked his brow furrowing.
"I don't know," I whispered truthfully. No one had asked me that before. I thought about it a lot but when said aloud I didn't know what more I could have done. Maybe just wished there was something more. Then I wouldn't feel so helpless.
"You did everything right. You made her happy Jake. You're a good man. I'm proud to have you as my son in law," Charlie continued, turning back to face Bella.
"Thank you," I said roughly. Charlie nodded once but didn't look at me. Bella moaned in her sleep, too quiet I was sure for Charlie to hear but I could make it out.
"Jacob, my Jacob," she murmured and I felt my heart twist cruelly. With sudden force I couldn't stand being in this room for a second longer. I needed out. I needed air.
"I'll be right back I just need a moment" I gasped at Charlie and he nodded again.
I stood up quickly and left the room as quietly as I could. I slipped into the bathroom, jumping through the window so that I didn't have to face Embry on my way out. I made my way across the back yard which still had a few streamers and half deflated balloons floating about.
My eyes stung as I wandered through the mossy trees Bella's voice muttering my name echoing in my mind over and over. I stumbled into a clearing, weak grey sunlight filtering through a hole in the forest's canopy. The hole was caused by the large tree that was now on the ground in front of me, probably knocked over in a recent storm.
I dropped to my knees in front of the fallen tree and rested my fore head against the rough bark. I gave into the ache in my chest and felt my whole body shake as I sobbed. I slammed my fist against the tree and the wood splintered. I pushed my face away from the bark and kept my hands on the tree. I looked up at the sky through the hole as saw the smallest glimmer of blue sky between grey clouds.
My whole body burned. I couldn't stand this, it was just too much. Hot tears streamed down my face as I started at that blue patch, my mind feeling oddly blank and full of information at the same time. She was going, and there was nothing left to do. I swallowed hard, my breath shaky.
"Bella, my Bella," I croaked out to the sky. Once I spoke the words started spilling out of me and I couldn't stop them. I didn't really try.
'I don't know if the spirits are real or if there is a God or not. I think there must be seeing as I am not exactly human," I muttered to the blue patch of sky "but if there is please, please don't take her yet. I need her, we need her. Don't take her yet. Please, not yet. I'm begging you to give me just a little bit more time."
My voice broke then and I took a shuddering breath. I dropped my gaze from the patch of blue sky. I wiped my wet face with a hand. My other hand gripped the fallen tree tightly; bark scraping into my knuckles painfully.
"I don't want Sarah to have to carry a picture of Bella around in her wallet to know what her mother's face looks like," I whispered desperately "and I don't think I have the strength to let her go when I need to."
The ache in my chest didn't let up. If felt like it was apart of me now. Maybe this was what Bella had felt like before I fixed her. But who would fix me when Bella was gone? Would I always ache now?
"I don't want to lose her, please," I begged before I couldn't continue anymore, my throat was just too tight. I turned around, resting my back against the tree. I glanced up again and the blue sky was gone now. I wrapped my arms around my knees and for the first time in a long time I felt truly alone.
"It won't be long now," Dr Tikvah whispered to me. Our house was full, every pack member, council member, friend and relation possible packed into the den/dinning room area. I held Sarah in my arms and stood outside our bedroom door. Dr. Tikvah was next to me, her little hand resting on my fore arm.
I felt the odd combination of being numb and hyper aware of my body at the same time. I could see Dr. Tikvah in front of me but her hand on my arm seemed far off. I was aware I was trembling but I couldn't feel it. I only knew because the world was shaking around me. I had been preparing for this moment for what felt like a lifetime but now that I was here I didn't know what to do. I held Sarah tighter, trying to draw some comfort from her little body.
"Dada," she cooed in my ear, her arms went round my neck trustingly. I knew she didn't know what was going on but I swear when Sarah spoke then there was a forlorn tone to her voice. I held her tighter.
Our door squeaked open and Charlie stumbled out, his face red and blotchy. He didn't acknowledge me, just headed out toward the front room. Dr. Tikvah's hand squeezed my arm, pushing me toward the door. It took me a few moments to remember how to move my legs. I entered our room slowly, closing the door behind me with a quiet snap.
The bright light streaming in the windows felt out of place with the situation at hand. Sunlight fell on Bella's face, lighting up her features. I felt my throat close. The morphine machine beeped in the corner, the little tubes stuck in her arm, taking away her pain. It had only been a week since it had been set up. I stepped toward the bed, the floorboard groaning under my eight as I did.
Bella opened her eyes at the noise and gave me a small, sad smile. I knelt down on the floor next to our bed and placed Sarah in Bella's arms. Sarah was quiet, her big eyes wide. She clutched onto Bella's hand.
"Mama," she mumbled. Bella kissed Sarah's cubby cheek, a little tear falling from her eyes.
"Mama loves you Sarah," she whispered into Sarah's skin. Her every breath was labored, rattling in her chest. Her hand came up resting on my cheek. I turned my face, kissing her palm. It was warm, alive.
"I love you Bella, I love you so much," I told her, reaching out with my other hand to touch her face. My heart was pounding in my chest, my eyes darting over her taking everything in. She didn't have a head scarf on and she was wearing an old shirt of mine I used wear to fix up The Rabbit. The collar was frayed and it was oil stained. She said she liked that shirt the most because it reminded her of all the time we spent together when we were younger.
"I love you too Jacob," she whispered back, the sad smile still on her lips. My heart ached at the sight. I wished I could steal her away from this nightmare. Just run away with her and Sarah to somewhere where there was no cancer, or pain or death.
"I'm cold Jake," she breathed and I climbed onto the bed with her, Sarah in between our bodies. I pulled her closer. She shivered against me even thought she felt warm to my touch. She kissed my chest, my neck and her lips burned.
"You always keep me warm," she breathed, her head on my shoulder.
"I promised you I would," I murmured gazing down into her eyes.
We started at each other, drinking in each others features. Her face was flushed with fever, giving her the false impression of health. Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears. Her perfect mouth parted, straining for every gulp of air. I lent forward kissing her lips, tasting her strawberry taste that was uniquely Bella. Her fingers danced over my face.
"Thank you," she sighed. Her breathing rattled again and I slid down the bed, pressing my forehead against hers. She kept one arm around Sarah and the other snaked around my neck. She kissed me again, so softly I barely felt it.
"Bells," I moaned against her lips. My hands were tight on her arms, arms strong around her back, holding her to me. I needed to feel her. My body shook as I tried to keep the sobs inside me. I didn't want my last look at her to be blurred by tears.
"I'm not afraid with you here, I'm never afraid in your arms Jake. Thank you," she choked out. I bit back a moan. In my minds eye I could see everything we had done together. The way she laughed when I brushed that ticklish spot under her ribs. How she had screamed happily on the tea cups at Disney Land. The way her voice sounded when she had moaned my name in my arms. I didn't want to give that up just yet. We still had more memories to make.
"Don't go," I begged her, swallowing hard against the hot lump in my throat. She shook her head at me, smiling still. Even now she was always trying to make everyone else feel better, trying to lessen their pain. It was so Bella.
"I have to. You've been with me every step of the way Jake and I love you so much for it. I can't put into words how much I love you," she told me, her heart stuttering as she spoke "You make me so happy Jacob. You saved me."
I think my heart broke then. I had always wanted nothing more than to make her happy. She knew it, she said I saved her. I kissed her mouth again desperately. She gasped against my mouth and I pulled back slowly. The sunlight on her face made her eyes sparkle and she was so beautiful and I loved her so much it hurt.
"Do you remember when we walked on the beach and I told you the tribe's stories for the first time," I asked her, my thumb gently tracing her cheek bone. She leant into the touch, closing her eyes.
"Yes, I remember," Bella said with a nod. She opened her eyes again and all I saw was love and trust. She wasn't afraid. She was ready. She was strong. I hoped I would be too. I took a shaky breath and continued.
"I thought you were the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I couldn't believe you were talking to me," I said, choking on the words "I didn't know it then, but it was when I first fell in love with you,"
I could still see that day, the way she fluttered her eyes at me, leant into my body. She was gorgeous with her deep red brown hair and smiling eyes. I remembered loving her from my childhood but that day it had shifted. It became something more. And it had never changed since that day. Bella owned my heart.
"Me too Jake," Bella whispered, her hand tightening on my neck.
"Really?" I asked, surprised. She nodded again and when she smiled now it wasn't sad, it was happy. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Love you so much, my mind whispered.
"You are exactly right for me Jake. It was as easy as breathing with you, it always was. You are my soul mate," she explained, pulling my mouth to hers again. We broke apart far too soon. Bella's breathing was even harder now, her chest heaving. We had spent the last few years counting every minute of time together and now her time was up.
"Look after her," she told me, her fingers stroking Sarah's hand which still held onto hers. She closed her eyes, her heart beat fluttering for a second. I felt panic rise in the back of my throat like bile.
"Bella," I moaned urgently. She opened her eyes, lazily and smiled at me again. Her heart was slowing down and my eyes prickled.
"Show her my cook books; I don't want you to be hungry. Teach her everything Jake. Take care of her for me," she muttered quietly. Her fingers were getting weaker around my neck. No, not yet, please not yet, my mind begged.
"She won't forget you. I promise you she won't. I won't let her forget you Bells," I promised her, holding her tight, covering her face in tiny little kisses. Please don't go, love you Bells, my mind thought over and over.
"I love you Jacob," she breathed, her fingers still so warm against my skin. I kissed her mouth once more and I poured my soul into it knowing that it was our last kiss. I showed her every part of me in that kiss, every part of me that loved her, that needed her so desperately. And she kissed me back, her heart and soul in it too, telling me without words that she loved me. I didn't want to stop kissing her. I knew what would happen when I did.
"I love you Bella," I whispered against her mouth, taking one last look at her face to last me a life time. She closed her eyes, a single tear slipping down her face. The little smile was still there, still beautiful. Her heart faltered again, then once more and finally stopped. I wiped away the tear that she couldn't feel anymore and in that moment Sarah began to cry. My sobs finally broke free and I crushed Bella to my chest. I kissed her face, her skin still deceptively warm.
"I love you Bella," I whispered into her deaf ear "I love you."
After a long three year battle she finally lost. Charlie lost a daughter, Sarah lost a mother, and I lost the other half of my heart. My wife, my soul mate, my Bella, died in my arms on a Friday.