Chapter Seven

Saturday

A/N: This is it guys only the epilogue to go after this. Which although I did say would be up at the same time as this, is not up now. Why? Because I didn't write a word on my holiday which is not what I planned. I was just too tired every night to write and if I had tried to force myself to it would have come out as crap so I'm glad I didn't. The epilogue should be up in the next week or so as well as a one shot for this story which will be a Charlie POV that was suggested by Anony and I loved it and had to write it.

I just want to say thanks to all of you guys that have stuck with me through this story, for leaving such kind words and what not. Really it means so very much to me, so thank you. I am quite sad to see this story end, I've so enjoyed writing it and so I hope you enjoy the last full chapter.

Death. You hear about it all the time. It's on the news, in the papers, mentioned in casual conversation. You understand how hard it is for the family, you see them grieving and you feel sorry for them. You make them food, send them flowers. Your heart goes out to them. But until it's the death of someone you love, someone you cared for you don't really know what its like. You have no idea what it feels like to be left behind. You can't comprehend that hurt.

I was hurting. And it felt endless.

I woke up slowly, my back stiff and sore from sleeping on the couch. My brain was foggy; all I knew was that I couldn't go into that room. I couldn't sleep in that bed. It was night time and I glanced over to the big armchair at my feet. Embry was still here, a magazine in his hands. I watched him turn a page before I shut my eyes. I wasn't ready yet.

I woke again and the room was bright. I was still on the couch and a hand was in my hair. I closed my eyes; the hand was strong and soothing. For a moment I could pretend it was her. I drifted back into unconsciousness, wishing it was her cool fingers touching me. I fell asleep before the ache in my chest could remind me it couldn't be. The third time I opened my eyes it was dark again. Yellow light stained the wall from the small lamp next to the TV. My dad was there, his face grave.

"Jake you have to eat son," he murmured, transferring a tray from his knees to the coffee table. I ignored the food. It wasn't food I wanted. I rolled over, turning my back on him and fell into sleep again. I wasn't ready. Voices roused me for the fourth time. They were all anxious and fast, words muttered under their breath so as not to disturb me. I didn't bother to try and figure out who they belonged to. I didn't care about the voices. I didn't open my eyes.

"He hasn't moved off that couch in nearly three days."

"He's grieving, leave him be."

"He needs to eat."

"Jake will eat when he's ready."

"Is Sarah still with Charlie?"

"Yeah but she's still crying. She keeps saying Dada over and over. Its not like her, she's normally such a good baby."

"She just misses Jake."

"When are you going back out on patrol?"

The voices faded away as I fell into the comforting numbing blackness again. I wasn't ready. Not yet.

The next time I regained consciousness my head was still foggy and I desperately needed to pee. I sat up carefully, almost tumbling off the tiny couch. The room was empty and the house was far too quite. I could hear the big plastic clock ticking from the kitchen. I glanced at the coffee table. A tray was set up with a bowl of cold soup on it and a post it note. I snatched the note off the tray, wiping sleep out of my eyes to read.

Jake,

If you wake up I have had to go home to get clean clothes. I'll be back by two thirty at the latest. Sarah is still with Charlie. Try to eat something and call me if you need me.

Dad.

I tossed the note back onto the table as I stood up slowly. My back was on fire. I stumbled down the hall and into the little bathroom. I all but sprinted to the toilet, leaning a hand against the cool tiles to keep myself upright. My legs felt weak and shaky as I flushed. I stood in front of the mirror for almost sixty seconds before turning on the tap to wash my hands.

My reflection looked shockingly pale underneath three days of unshaved growth. My hair was greasy and I needed to brush my teeth. My fingers gripped the sink as I remembered her walking into this room, standing in front of this mirror fixing her long hair and - stop it, my mind chided me, don't think about her. The tap squeaked when I turned the cold water off.

I shuffled toward the shower turning the water on as hot as it could go. I stripped off the crumpled clothes I had worn since Friday. I stepped under the scalding water and closed my eyes, my body swaying. Don't think about her; don't think about her, I chanted in my mind. I reached out for shampoo and opened my eyes, pushing the water off my face. I looked down at the bottle and dropped it with a gasp. It was strawberry body wash.

I turned my back on the red bottle grabbing my shampoo instead. I left the bottle on the shower floor when I was done. I couldn't stand to touch it. I needed clothes but I didn't have any. I eyed the dirty clothes hamper but I could see the sleeve of a white shirt that wasn't mine. I didn't want to touch her clothes. They would smell like her.

Wrapping a towel around my waist I decided not to bother. It wasn't like I would get cold. I made my way up the hallway but slowed to a stop outside the bedroom. Our bedroom. I reached out slowly and touched the handle with a finger. No not yet, not ready, my mind whispered. I lurched away from the door and stumbled back into the den, collapsing onto the couch.

My stomach snarled at me but I ignored it and the cold soup in front of me. My chest ached and my body shook but I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I hadn't cried since - don't, don't, don't, I all but screamed at myself. I dropped my face into my hands wishing I could just go back to sleep. Sleep helped. When I had been sleeping I didn't dream, I couldn't think, I didn't have to remind my self over and over to not think of her.

The quiet was getting to be too much, it thrummed in my ears. I snatched the remote from the coffee table and turned on the television. The first thing that came on was some cooking show. I quickly changed the channel before the ache in my chest intensified to the sports station and turned the volume up. I didn't actually see the TV, my vision blurring so that the people running around just looked like blobs. I settled down on my side and stared at the screen without taking in what was going on. This was almost like sleep.

I felt hollow inside. My chest hadn't stopped aching since Friday. I forced myself to not look away from the TV so as to not see the blanket she always used draped over the back of the arm chair. Or the pictures of us hanging on the walls.

Shadows crept slowly across the room but I didn't move. One game ended and another started. I heard the roar of an engine and voices outside. A key clicked as the front door opened. The car left again as Dad rolled into the room. He had a bag in his lap. He maneuvered his way closer to me but I didn't really see him, my gaze still trained on the blurry TV.

"Hey Jake," he said softly, stopping in front of me. I couldn't see the TV anymore now; dad's knees were in the way. He rummaged through the bag on his lap and pulled out an old pair of my sweatpants. He placed them in front of me. I didn't move.

"Do you want to eat something?" Dad asked but I shook my head. I heard him sigh and he grabbed the tray from the table and rolled out of the room. I sat up slowly and pulled the sweatpants on. They were black. I chucked the towel onto the arm chair as Dad came back in. He pressed a tall glass of water into my hand and I stared at it dumbly.

"You need to drink something Jake," he said gently, pushing my hand toward my mouth. I swallowed the cool water, draining the glass. I hadn't realized how thirsty I was until just then. Dad parked himself next to the couch and stared at the TV as I placed the glass on the table and lay back down. He didn't speak again until the game finished and a third one started.

"The funeral is tomorrow afternoon. Sam has organized a suit for you," Dad told me. I nodded against the couch. The word funeral stabbed at me like a blade. Don't think about it, don't think about her.

"You need to think of something you want to say," Dad continued. I could see him watching me out of the corner of my eye. He sighed again and reached out, his hand running through my damp hair. It was familiar and comforting. It must have been Dad who had been doing it before.

"I know you are hurting Jake. I know what it's like to loose your wife. I know what it's like when it feels like your world had ended. But your not alone Jacob. You don't have to do this on your own." Dad's voice washed over me but it didn't really help. I didn't respond. I reached up pulling his hand out of my hair and held onto his fingers. I couldn't speak, my throat just wouldn't work. I gripped his hand tighter and he squeezed back.

"You'll be ok Jacob, you will get through this I promise you," Dad told me gently. He didn't let go of my hand. We stayed there all night, watching game after game and he never once let go of my hand.

I buttoned the crisp white shirt carefully. It itched against my skin. I was clean shaven and my mouth didn't taste of sleep for the first time in days. I shrugged into the black jacket. Sarah was sitting in her high chair in a black dress. Emily was trying to get her to eat but she wasn't having any of it. She reached out her little arms to me and I scooped her up, holding her tight against my body.

When Charlie had first brought Sarah over this morning I was frightened of her. I was actually scared of my daughter. I was terrified I would look into Sarah's eyes, her eyes, and break down. I didn't, but the ache in my heart that seemed like a permanent part of me now thudded painfully. Sarah hadn't cried once since she had gotten home but she kept asking for Mama. I didn't know what to do with that. Emily had gotten her ready as I had shaved. Hearing her little voice cry out Mama over and over almost broke me. Sarah was quiet now though as I held her, her little hands clutching onto my shoulder.

"We should get going, it's almost two," Charlie announced gruffly. Sam scooped up the car keys from the table and I headed out to the garage. I opened the back door to the Rabbit and strapped Sarah into her safety seat. The backseat had been replaced but I still imagined that I could smell her blood. Sam had appeared and folded himself into the driver's side. I couldn't drive yet; my brain was still in the clouds.

We drove to La Push's only graveyard slowly behind Charlie's cruiser. It was sunny today and I hated it. The sun had no right to shine on a day like this. I leant my head against the glass and closed my eyes for the remainder of the drive. It didn't help, the sun shone on my face forcing me to feel its warmth, making my world a light pink behind closed lids. The trip was silent.

When the car finally stopped I waited a few moments before getting out. I didn't look around as I closed the door and opened the back one. I undid Sarah's belt and pulled her into me, closing the door with my knee. Charlie's cruiser was parked a little further up and we walked toward it. Nobody spoke as we made our way around the thick line of green trees that hid the cemetery from the road. It felt strange to be outside after so long.

I could see people gathering up ahead, chairs lined up in neat rows. I didn't look at the white closed casket that was already in place. Colorful flowers bobbed in the gentle wind but they were just a blur of white and yellow. I sat down on one of the hard seats. People were milling around talking softly. Hands touched my shoulders, voices whispered condolences. I held Sarah tighter.

I didn't pay attention to the service. Some pastor I didn't know was up the front talking about how death was only one step in life or something. His words held no meaning for me. I glanced up at the coffin. She was only a few feet away. I could reach out and touch her if I wished. The walls my mind had constructed to block her out suddenly crumbled and she was everywhere.

She laughed when I stole food of her plate, calling me a pig. Her eyes crinkled just a little when she smiled at me. She sang badly when she washed her hair in the shower. She left books everywhere, dog eared and stained. When we walked she held my hand and always leant her head against my bicep. She still cut the crusts off her sandwiches. She clutched my shoulders, her nails digging into my skin when we made love. No one said my name like she did. I tore my eyes away from the casket. Charlie was talking now, dad by his side.

"She was the most you could have asked for in a daughter, she was the most loving, the most kind…" his voice washed over me soothingly. Charlie had tears on his face and the little piece of yellow paper in his hands shook. Dad had a hand on his fore arm, always there for support. Sarah wriggled in my arms and I moved her away from my body, placing her in my lap.

She looked up at me with her big eyes. Those eyes that had captured me so effectively when she was a newborn now pierced me like knives. She reached out a chubby hand to my face and I grabbed it in mine. She sighed and her body relaxed. I watched her little face as the sun played on it. She still didn't look like me, not in my eyes. I felt a hand shake my shoulder and I glanced up.

"It's time," Embry said to me gently. He reached down to Sarah, pulling her off my lap. She clung onto my hand and I had to use the other to gently pry her fingers away. I stood up shakily and Sarah started to cry. Embry hushed her but it didn't help. Emily appeared then taking Sarah from Embry trying to calm her. Embry pushed me in the direction of the podium.

I walked across the uneven ground toward it. When I reached the podium I clung to it as if I couldn't stand without it there. I stared down at the wood for a few moments before I remembered the paper in my pocket. I pulled it out and spread it on the podium. I couldn't recall writing on this bit of paper but my messy hand writing was scrawled across it so I must have at some point.

I looked up from the paper into the sea of faces. Everybody was wearing black. Some people were crying. Renee had her face buried in a handkerchief and her shoulders shook violently. Phil was rubbing her back. Others just looked lost. Quil was sitting in the second row looking like he had no idea how he had gotten there. Sarah was still wailing in Emily's arms, her little hands reaching out in my direction. I glanced back down at the paper on the podium.

"I-" my voice cracked. I hadn't actually spoken since Friday. I cleared my throat and it stung. The words on the bit of paper jumped out at me and I started to read the first line in a mechanical voice.

"Thank you for coming today. I first met Bella-" I stopped again. Saying her name for the first time made the ache in my chest swell. I swallowed hard against the pain and tried again.

"I first met Bella when we were both kids, in my dad's backyard. I think in that very first moment I fell for her, right then and there. Bella was-" my voice caught in my throat. That single word jumped out at me. Was. Past tense. I couldn't put Bella into past tense. Doing that made it too real. The ache in my chest took over, making every part of me burn. Too much, not ready.

The podium and the white paper with my messy words on it became fuzzy in front of my eyes. The fiery ache in my chest traveled north into my throat, setting it ablaze. The podium trembled under my hands and the wood splintered with the force my fingers used to hang onto it. Bella, my Bella. Miss you so much.

I could hear a strange noise but I couldn't figure out what it was. Warm arms were suddenly there, wrapping around my waist. The noise intensified. I watched the piece of paper with my words on it flutter off the podium with the wind. My throat was still on fire and I realized with sudden clarity that I was making the noise. Sobs tore from my throat and hot tears streamed down my face. This is too much. Bella, love you, my Bella.

"Its ok Jake, I've got you. Let go," a voice told me and skinny hands reached out, forcing my fingers off the podium. I looked down at Leah who grabbed my arm, guiding me away from the podium. Dad came up to us but Leah mumbled something to him and he returned to the rows of people in black. Leah was leading me away from the gathering of people, her hand on my fore arm gentle but strong. She sat me down on the grass and knelt in front of me. I could hear someone else talking into the microphone at the podium now.

I leant back against the hard marble of a tombstone. Leah reached into her pant pocket and handed me a tissue. I took it from her wiping my face. I noticed her eyes were red rimmed. Leah had been crying. If we had been anywhere but where we were I would have made fun of her. I took a shuddering breath and screwed up the soggy tissue. The noise I had been making had stopped.

Leah didn't say anything; she just shifted so that we were sitting side by side. I handed her back the tissue and she shoved it in her pocket. I heard a mechanical whirring and I turned my head to the left. Through a gap in the sea of black I could see the white casket being slowly lowered into the earth. I watched as it gradually disappeared. Bella, my Bella.

"I'm sorry about Bella," Leah whispered on my right. I ignored her; I couldn't look away as the white coffin sunk underground. I watched as the colorful flowers on top of the casket disappeared. She was gone. Leah was still speaking to me but I couldn't really make out what it was that she was saying to me. I felt lost. I felt alone.

Leah nudged me and I glanced over at her. She motioned for me to stand up and I gingerly climbed to my feet. The sea of black was heading toward us now, wiping their eyes and holding hands. I could hear the hideous noise of shovels and dirt pattering onto the lid of the casket. The thundering soil echoed in my ears as it slowly covered her.

"I'll stay here if you want Jake. You don't have to do this alone," Leah told me and I nodded at her. She didn't know I was already alone. People filed past us and they touched me again, said words like 'we are sorry for your loss' and 'she will be dearly missed'. They meant nothing to me. They were just words and empty ones at that. But I felt a tiniest bit better knowing that Leah stood next to me throughout it even if it didn't ease the gut wrenching loneliness.

Finally the throng dispersed and all that was left was a few pack members and Bella's parents. I wandered toward the fresh grave, the dark soil like a scar amongst the perfectly manicured green lawns. I didn't look at the tombstone. Emily still had Sarah in her arms but she was no longer crying. She looked like me, lost and alone.

Phil walked a distraught Renee away from the grave toward the cars behind the thick line of trees. Charlie was still sitting on one of the chairs with Dad next to him, staring off into space. Sam approached me and I felt Leah's heat leave my side. But not before she whispered into my ear to call her if I needed anything. I watched her dart across the green grass toward the car park.

"Do you want to leave yet Jake?" Sam asked softly. I shook my head at him. I wasn't ready to leave her yet. I hadn't said good bye to her. Charlie heaved himself up from the chair and staggered away toward the cars.

"Can you look after Sarah for me for awhile? I'll pick her up later tonight," I told Sam, my voice monotone and lifeless. He nodded and left me quickly. Dad appeared at my side but said nothing. He reached out, touching my arm gently for a moment before allowing Quil to push him back toward the car park. I closed my eyes and waited until the last car left and the sound of engines faded away.

I slowly opened my eyes and forced myself to look down at the white tombstone. The engraving was fresh and neat. My eyes scanned her name and the slumbering pain in my chest roared back to life.

Isabella Marie Black

Beloved wife, mother and daughter

Who was taken from us far too soon.

09-13-1987 – 05-04-2012

My eyes traced her name over and over. I sat down on the grass in front of the headstone but was careful not to touch any of the disturbed earth. A wolf had been carved on to the stone above her name. It was howling. I stared at her name for what felt like an endless amount of time. People in uniforms appeared and folded up the rows of chairs and hauled away the podium I had broken down at. I paid them no attention and they left me alone.

I could still see her. I could still see the way she laughed with me as clearly as if she was sitting next to me now. I thought of the way she had battled her cancer bravely, the way she was always reassuring me, always comforting me. I remembered how she held Sarah in her arms for the first time and the look of wonder on her face. I recalled the feeling of bittersweet joy when I married her down on first beach less than two years ago. I remembered playing with her as a child, trekking around my back yard together getting covered in mud. I could hear the way her breath had rattled when she told me with her last breath that she loved me. Her final word had been my name.

The sun slowly started to sink but still I didn't move from my place. I didn't want to leave her just yet, I wasn't sure I would have the strength to come back again. I took the itchy jacket off and tossed it onto the grass. My hands came together, fingering the gold band on my wedding finger. Touching the warm ring on my hand made my heart clench painfully.

"I miss you Bella," I whispered to the white tombstone, "it's only been four days but it feels like a life time. I don't know how to function without you."

I stopped suddenly. I didn't know what else to say. That I was glad she was no longer in pain? That she had gone onto somewhere better and that I would take comfort in the fact that she would always look down on me? I didn't believe that. She couldn't hear me, she couldn't see me. I was alone.

"Why did you have to leave me?" the words tore themselves from my throat. I wiped away the tears on my face but they kept falling relentlessly. The last light of the yellow sun disappeared then, the sky all pink and purple. It was beautiful but all I could think was that Bella was missing it. She would miss so much. Sarah's first day at school, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and pack antics. She was taken much too soon, far too young. Miss you so much Bells.

I turned my face skyward and watched as the sky slowly got darker, the lavender and pink bleeding out of it and little white stars pricked the heavens. The moon was new and finally the sky reflected my mood. The moon shouldn't be shining on a night like tonight, unlike the sun that had brazenly burned at my skin.

I stood slowly, my knees stiff. They cracked loudly as I stretched out to my full height. The grave yard was full of shadows now but I could still see her name as clearly as if it was midday. The cool wind shifted then blowing into my face and I caught the unmistakable burning sweet smell of a vampire. I should have turned and searched out the invading predator, I should have destroyed it for being on our lands when it had no right to be, but I didn't. I was too dead inside.

I caught a glimpse of unnaturally white skin and recognized the scent as it moved closer. I turned my head slightly as Edward Cullen stopped next to me, his eyes on the headstone, scanning her name repeatedly as I had done all afternoon.

"You have no right to be here leech," I told him, trying to sound angry but I couldn't quite manage it. Small things like treaty lines and ancient promises didn't seem important now that the love of my life was lying six feet under.

"I know, but I had to see her," Edward muttered, his voice strangled and pained. I glanced down at his face and it was the same one, the burning one, from the hotel lobby.

"Alice, she saw this but I thought I had time," he mumbled. His clothes where dirty and stained and his hair was full of leaves. I didn't care about him. I didn't care that he was there. I looked back down at the fresh dirt again.

"Was she in pain?" Edward whispered.

"No," I replied but I didn't show him. Her last moments belonged to me. I concentrated on the engraving of the wolf, the graceful way it stood with its front paws on a rock, its head thrown back.

"I was too late, I thought I would get here in time but I was too late," Cullen moaned, dropping to his knees. He buried his face into stone hands and was as still as a statue. I stepped away from him. I didn't want to be here with him. I didn't want to say good bye with Cullen here to taint it. I turned my back on him, walking toward the forest line.

"I could have saved her," Cullen's voice was quiet, tortured. I stopped dead. The missing anger I hadn't felt suddenly flooded my veins. All I could see was Bella smiling at me in my oiled stained t-shirt, her warm fingers on my face. You make me so happy Jacob, you saved me, she had told me.

I spun on my heel, Edward was still on his knees but his hands were on the grass now, fisting it, ripping it up and making more scars on the green earth. The wolf in me howled and snapped. He is on our lands, he is evil, he wanted to change her, destroy it.

"You couldn't save her, I did. I saved her," I growled at him. The world became a red haze and heat flowed down my spine. My body shook with the urge to phase. You saved me, her voice whispered again in my mind. I slipped the golden ring off my hand and shoved it into my pocket. Even in my fury I remembered to save that. Edward pushed himself up onto his feet and glared at me.

"You call that-" he pointed at Bella's grave "saving her?"

"She said it herself bloodsucker. It was me who made her happy; it was me who saved her!" I all but roared at him. Cullen's face was a brutal twist of fury and the obvious desire to destroy me. He didn't have a hope. I would kill him; I would scatter his ashes into the wind before he even touched me.

"She's dead because of you!" he snarled at me, losing all remnants of humanity "if had stayed with me she would be alive. You killed her. Bella is dead because of you Jacob Black."

I didn't respond to that. I couldn't. I lost Jacob and I gave into the anger and I became the wolf. Clothing ripped loudly as I fell forward on four legs. I saved Bella, I saved her! I pounded toward him, my world filled with hate and anger and pain. I saved her!

We slammed together with a noise like thunder. He was fast but I was faster. I forced him to the ground and a marble hand came up, smashing into my nose. I felt it break and I yelped in pain. My mind was quiet, no one else was phased. Good, this was my fight. I would finally get to destroy Edward Cullen. I reared back lashing out with sharp teeth and grazed his side ripping the expensive fabric of his shirt. Edward spun quicker than my eyes could follow and rushed at me again.

"It's your fault!" he screamed at me as a stone cold arm smashed into my front right leg. I felt it break but paid no attention. It would heal eventually. I let go of the last parts of Jacob and became the wolf solely, letting instinct take over. I rammed at him, making him stagger backwards and my strong teeth caught hold of his white hand. I bit down hard yanking to the side. With a metallic screech Edward's hand was ripped from his arm. It clawed disturbingly in my mouth and I spat it out. I growled at him so loudly it was like a roar. He staggered back holding onto the stump of his arm. I didn't give him time to recover and rushed at him again.

A cold hand reached out, twisting my broken paw painfully. It gave out under me and I smashed into the ground. I rolled onto my back as Edward appeared in front of me his frozen legs clenching around my ribs as he pulled back his hand to smash into my face. I felt ribs break under the pressure from his thighs. I snapped my jaws at him, catching onto his destroyed arm, pulling his forearm away from the elbow. Edward howled in pain, rolling off my body. I struggled onto my side, my breath wheezing. I coughed up dark blood, unable to breathe properly but I didn't let that stop me. I tossed aside Edward's forearm.

He was on his back, his hand wrapped around his mangled arm. I placed a heavy paw on his chest and his body sunk a little bit into the ground with my weight. I saved her, my mind screamed at him. You did nothing but hurt her, I fixed her, I made her whole, I saved her!

"Then finish this. Save me a trip to the Volturi and end it now," Cullen spat at me, not attempting to get away. I growled at him again leaning forward, taking his neck in my teeth.

"Yes end it," Edward whispered his voice still full of hurt. I was happy to oblige him when I saw the white tombstone out of the corner of my eye. Bella's name burned into me. My teeth tightened but I couldn't do it. Bella wouldn't want this; Bella would never have forgiven me if I killed Edward even if she no longer loved him. I let go of his neck reluctantly and staggered back away from him, limping on my broken paw.

"You have always wanted to kill me and now, with the treaty broken and the perfect excuse you back out?" Edward hissed, still on his back. I turned away from him, searching through the scraps of destroyed clothing until I found what I was looking for. Gently I scooped up my wedding band with my tongue, holding it in my mouth until I would phase back. Edward's severed hand crawled sickly across the ground of its own accord.

She wouldn't want this, I told him coldly, if you want to die it's your own business. Go to Italy let the bloodsuckers there end your pitiful life. But I will not kill you. Bella would never forgive me for that. I turned back toward him and he was sitting up now, his face still in flames.

"Bella is dead," Edward groaned and his words were needy, "I don't want to live without her. So kill me Jacob."

No, I hissed at him, you will leave here and never return Edward Cullen. If you do my pack will hunt down your family and we will destroy them. All of them. But we won't destroy you. She would hate me for that. But you can live with the pain. You can live with the pain of knowing you killed your family. You can live with the pain of knowing she's gone and her last words were that she loved me and not you. You can live with the pain of knowing that I saved her when you never could.

I didn't bother to wait for a response. I turned my back on him again and dashed into the forest. My instincts screamed at me to turn around and destroy the threat to the tribe but I ignored them. He wasn't worth it.

I didn't see Cullen as I dashed through the mossy trees. I lost myself to the steady thumping of my paws on the damp earth. My front paw had mostly healed, only a small twinge of pain shot up my leg with each step. The forest was silent and so was my mind, at least from other pack members. I gave into the pain, the burning ache in my chest, the loneliness, the hatred and all consuming rage and just ran. I ran until the sky started to lighten again and exhaustion threatened to take over. I forced my body to run until it couldn't anymore and I stumbled into a clearing.

I recognized this clearing instantly. The fallen tree I had knelt at was still on the ground. The heavy weight of loss and hatred filled my soul. I knew that the council would be furious if they discovered that I had left a vampire to walk free after invading tribal lands but I didn't care about that. I did what Bella would have wanted. If she had known I had killed Edward she would have been horrified, so I had held back for her even though I knew it was wrong.

I stopped under the low lying branch of the fallen tree and dropped my ring out off my mouth. It glinted in the early morning light and it hurt to look at. The pain of her absence was still burning me and I couldn't take it anymore.

I threw back my head and howled into the early morning. I howled because I had been unable to give into desire and rip Edward Cullen to shreds. I howled for Sarah who would never have the chance to know her mother. And I howled for me, for my loss and the fact that I would have to continue on for my entire long, drawn out life without Bella by my side.

Somewhere off in the distance a real wolf heard my pained cries and howled back.

I heard the front door shut softly and footfalls make their way up the hallway. I glanced toward the hallway as Leah came round the corner. She leant against the wall and just looked at me. I turned my head away and went back to twisting my wedding band round and round on my finger.

"So you had the perfect opportunity to kill Edward Cullen, your personal mortal enemy, and you didn't take it?" Leah asked trying to be gentle but her normal sarcasm was still present. She must have spoken to Quil and Embry. They had woken up when they heard me howling yesterday morning and had come running, thinking there was an emergency. I had been right. When it got out that I had let a vampire go free after invading our territory, the Council had been pissed. It was let go because they decided that I must have been 'mad with grief'. I didn't try to tell them otherwise. It was none of their business and they wouldn't understand anyway.

"Yeah pretty much," I mumbled shifting my body to sit on my hands to force myself to stop playing with my ring. Leah didn't say anything for a long time and I didn't try to fill the silence. Sarah was sleeping in her room. The baby monitor lit up on the coffee table as she sighed in her sleep.

"I was going to do this earlier but Billy said to wait," Leah told me. I looked back up at her and she was twisting around behind her, picking up a medium sized heavy wooden chest. She stepped into the room and sat down on the couch next to me, pushing the baby monitor out of the way and placing the chest in front of me.

"What is this?" I asked her, but didn't touch the chest. I had never seen it before but it was making me nervous. I could smell Bella's soft scent on it, but it was fading.

"Bella and I had an understanding," Leah said gently, "she asked me to do this for her and at first I said no, even though I kind of put the idea into her head to do it. We weren't exactly friends or anything. I couldn't figure out why she was asking me. But she persuaded me and I eventually said yes. She asked me not to tell you until after."

"I don't understand," I said shaking my head.

"You will. Don't open it now, do it alone," she assured me. I ran a finger along the smooth wood that smelt faintly of Bella.

"You know I didn't like Bella at first," Leah continued quietly, "I thought you could do way better than her. But I was wrong."

"You were wrong?" I scoffed and felt my face stretch in an unfamiliar, painful way. With a shock I realized I was smiling. I quickly let the smile fall from my face. It felt wrong to smile when Bella hadn't even been gone for a week.

"Yeah I was. She was a brave woman, worthy of respect. She loved you and she deserved you," Leah told me, standing up. She reached out, squeezing my shoulder before turning away. Just before she left the room she glanced back at me over her shoulder.

"I didn't look inside but I know what's in there. I'm so sorry that you lost her. She didn't deserve that and nor did you or Sarah. But don't be afraid to let go of her Jake. You don't have to do it now, or next week or a year from now. But she would want you to be happy. Don't be scared to be happy again," she said with a sad smile. I watched her go, the front door closing with a snap and the motor of her car starting up outside. I waited until she was gone before opening the Bella-scented chest.

Inside smelt even more like Bella and I almost slammed the chest lid shut right away. I peered inside carefully as if something would jump out and attack me. The first thing I saw was a photo album. I pulled it out and opened the front page. Bella's curly writing was scribbled across the first page.

Jacob,

I filled this scrapbook with our memories so that you can always look back and remember. I know you are scared you will forget and so now you won't. Any time you feel like your memories are slipping you can come back here and I will be waiting for you. I love you.

Bella.

I ran my fingers over her name for a moment before turning the page. Shiny photos covered every page; some of them cut up and arranged in a collage, other pages had only one picture per page. The first page was me and Bella as kids. The picture of us in the boat I had pulled out of Leah's album was right in the middle. But there were others too. Me and Bells making cookies at Charlie's house, both of us down on the beach at the tide pools. Bella in a yellow party dress holding my hand at the twin's seventh birthday party.

The next few pages were full of pack pictures. Bella and me at a bonfire with Quil next to us and we were all making faces at the camera. Paul and me with our mouths full of food and Bella laughing at us. Bella standing in Emily's kitchen trying to make dinner while Jared was sneakily stealing a muffin from behind her back.

Pictures of us from the early years of us dating were next. Bella driving her truck and flashing me the finger as I took her picture. Bella and I washing the Rabbit in my old garage. Both of us laughing at her Dad's house when we went over for Thanksgiving. Bella holding a big box with my messing writing on it, unpacking plates in our kitchen from when we first moved in.

Then there was our wedding. Bella in white standing on the beach. Me and her kissing after my father pronouncing us man and wife. Both of us dancing at near the bonfire that had been lit after the main ceremony. Honeymoon pictures followed and I felt myself grinning again at the picture of us on the teacups. There was one of us at the hotel about to have dinner that a waitress had taken for us.

And finally there were pages and pages of us together with Sarah. Our first Christmas with wrapping paper everywhere. Sarah with her hands covered in food and the rest of it on my shirt. Bella and Sarah grinning at the camera. Sarah's first birthday party with us blowing out the candle for her, making a wish.

I shut the scrapbook softly and held it to my chest for a moment. I inhaled the addictive scent of Bella that wafted up from the pages. I placed it gently onto the coffee table and pulled out little mementos that were scattered around the chest. Bella's Mickey Mouse ears were there as well as a coaster from the hotel we had stayed in. A newspaper clipping had been laminated and I read it quickly. It was our wedding announcement from Fork's local paper. I found a small plastic hospital bracelet with Bella's name on it and her favorite purple head scarf.

I found a small woven bag and recognized it instantaneously. I had given Bella this as her graduation present. I pulled the strings apart and turned it upside down in my hand. Bella's wolf pendant bracelet I had made for her tumbled out and a small note. My chest ached painfully at the sight of the bracelet. I was sure she had been buried with it. I picked up the small note.

Jacob,

Please give this to Sarah when she is old enough. I want her to have something of mine against her skin, something that meant so very much to me. I love you.

Bella.

I felt my eyes heat at her words but I blinked back the tears that were threatening and carefully placed Bella's bracelet and the note back into the woven bag. I placed it on top of the album. I felt stiff cardboard when I put my hand back into the chest and pulled out a thick stack of envelopes. I couldn't hold back the tears as I read the front of each.

Happy Second Birthday Sarah, Happy Third Birthday Sarah, Happy Fourth Birthday Sarah…

There were twenty birthday cards all of them sealed. I didn't open them. I wiped the tears off my face as I put the cards aside. That was so Bella, making sure Sarah knew each birthday that she loved her, that she thought of her. Bella, I miss you, I thought, I wish you were here to give those cards to our daughter.

I reached into the chest of treasures and pulled the last items out. It was a small stack of DVDs all of them marked with Bella's handwriting. One had Charlie's name on it, another had Renee's. One more had Sarah's name on it as well as the words Happy Sixteenth Birthday so I assumed Bell had meant for Sarah to watch it for the first time then. The last disc had my name on it. I set aside the others and stared at my name written neatly across the disc. I wiped my face again and hauled myself off the couch, crouching in front of the TV. I fiddled with the settings and pushed play on the DVD machine, my heart thudding loudly in my ears.

The screen fuzzed and then Bella was there. I felt my breath leave my lungs in a big gush as she smiled at me through the screen. She was so aching beautiful, her long brown hair tumbling down her front. She was wearing her wedding dress and I realize this had been filmed inside the white tent that had been set up on the beach.

"Is it on?" Bella asked looking above the camera. I felt more than heard the strangled sound I made at her voice.

"Is the little red light blinking?" Leah's voice asked off camera. Bella nodded and smiled at me again.

"Then it's on. I'll be outside and I'll make sure no one comes in ok?" Leah asked and Bella nodded again. Bella waited a few moments before looking back at the camera, a wonderful rosy blush staining her cheeks.

"Hey Jacob," she said her voice full of sunshine and happiness; "Leah is letting me borrow her camera and has promised me she is going to help me make all of these videos so I hope they work. This was all really her idea so tell her thank you for me; I never would have thought of it myself. I'm a bit nervous talking to a camera so you better not be laughing at me." I started up at the TV unable to tear my eyes away. The world could have gone up in flames around me and I doubt I would have noticed. I could hear my breath coming in fast little pants like I was hyperventilating.

"So it's our wedding day. Gosh I never thought I would be saying that at twenty three," Bella said with a laugh and I closed my eyes when she did. Her laugh was amazing; it sent shivers down my spine. The ache in my chest didn't burn so bad now. It was as if her laughter had chased some of my pain away. I opened my eyes to her smiling face when she started to speak again.

"You are waiting out there for me and even though I never thought we would get married this young I always knew it would be you I would marry. I can't wait to get up there and become your wife Jake. You make me so happy and I hope I can give you some of that happiness in return. I love you so much Jacob."

Bella smiled and blew a kiss to the camera. The screen fuzzed for a second before Bella came back onto the screen. The background was different now. I immediately recognized our hotel balcony from our honeymoon, where we had made love that cold night. The camera was shaky and I guessed she was holding it out in her hand.

"Hey Jake. You have run down to the lobby so I have to be quick so you don't catch me," she giggled with a sneaky grin, "I am loving all of this time with you on our honeymoon. I loved it when went to that restaurant the other day and they called me Mrs. Black. I love you so much Jake and…oh crap I think your coming back! I love you Jake!" Bella blew another kiss at the camera with a huge grin on her face before the screen crackled again.

The next time she appeared she was in our bedroom, cross legged in the middle our bed. I raised myself up on my knees, my fingers tracing her beautiful face through the TV screen. She smiled and waved at me and this time her hair was gone and the hard bump was protruding from her belly.

"Hey Jacob. I can't believe I am five months pregnant already," Bella sighed happily, her fingers running over her belly. The picture of Sarah waving was already on the wall behind our bed. It hurt to see that room, even though it was an old image of it. I focused solely on Bella, on her glowing face and smiling eyes.

"You have been so supportive and I know you are going to be such a good father to our little girl. I can't wait to be a family with you Jacob. I'm looking forward to Christmases together and birthday parties," Bella broke off with a sad smile and glanced out of the big window on her side of the bed, "but if I'm not there for many I know you will still make them special for her. I know you will look after her for me." Bella looked back to the camera and her face was full of love.

"Jacob I love you," she said again. I felt my heart clench and the tears that had started falling when I first saw the birthday cards for Sarah were still making tracks down my cheeks. I didn't bother to wipe them away any more I just let them fall.

"I love you too Bells," I whispered as the screen flickered again. This time she was in Sarah's nursery, sitting in her old rocking chair with Sarah in her lap. She had a photo in her hand and a bottle in the other, feeding Sarah while rocking gently.

"Hi Jake," Bella said softly so as to not disturb Sarah. She was looking sicker now, her cheek bones sharp and pointy but she was still smiling, still beautiful. I swallowed hard my fingers still tracing the screen, touching the glass as if I could reach through it and touch her. She looked down at the photo with a smile and turned it around so I could see it too. It was the one of us fishing, the one she had put into the photo album.

"I remember when this was taken. You were holding me so I wouldn't be scared of the fish when Charlie and Billy reeled them in. It helped you know. I'm never scared when I'm in your arms Jacob," she whispered, looking down at the photo again with a little smile. She chuckled and looked back up at the camera.

"I'm sorry for letting Leah embarrass you like that. You're off on patrol just now and I suspect you're going to be in a very bad mood when you get back, but it was the only way I could think off to get you out of the house earlier today. You're so hot headed sometimes but I love that about you." Bella grinned at me and Sarah finished her bottle on screen. Bella expertly moved Sarah to her chest, placing a little cloth on her shoulder and patting her back gently.

"You are so good with her," she whispered, still grinning at me, "when I found you singing to her I swear I felt my heart swell. You are such a good father and she's blessed to have you as a dad. I know you'll always be there for her and will always protect her." Her smiled dropped away and she sighed.

"I'm worried about you though Jake," she confessed her features frowning into her over thinking face, "I'm scared about what you will be like after I go. I don't want you to be sad and I don't want you to suffer. Don't let my leaving pull you down. I always thought of you as being like your own sun; don't let me leaving ruin that. Be happy, fall in love again. Live your life and don't let memories of me hold you back. I only want you to be happy Jacob. You deserve it. I love you Jake."

The screen flickered again and my heart raced. I was scared it was over, scared there was no more. It took longer than usual for the next images to appear. Bella was much sicker now. These images couldn't be more than two weeks old. She was in the back yard and it was all decked out for Sarah's birthday party.

"Hey Jake. You've gone to pick up Billy so I thought I'd squeeze another quick video in while I could. I can't believe I've made it to Sarah's first birthday. You said I would but I was so scared I wouldn't," Bella's voice was weaker than any of the other recordings and her face was so thin it was frightening. When we had lived through this the procession of her illness had been slow and you sort of got used to it. But seeing her going from so healthy and energetic on our wedding day to frail and pained from less than a fortnight ago in the space of ten minutes made it hit home just how much she had suffered in her fight.

"I love you Jacob. I love you more than you will ever know. You have made me happier than I can ever tell you. I chose right all those years ago. You are my true soul mate Jake," Bella continued, smiling at me as always, "I love you Jacob."

The screen flickered and then her smiling face was gone, just a blue screen in its place. I stared at it unable to believe it was over. The DVD player ejected the disc. I started at it for a long moment before reaching out for it. I carefully returned it to the plastic case and snapped it shut. I hugged it to my chest. The ache there had lessened; the pain of her loss was not so strong. Bella always knew how to fix something. She always knew what the right thing to do was.

I didn't play the DVD again even though I desperately wanted to. I would save this, save it for desperate times when I couldn't stand it another second longer. A weight was lifted from my shoulders. Bella had ensured that I would never forget her voice or the way she smiled. I though on what she had said about wanting me to be happy. I didn't know if I was happy now but I was definitely less miserable.

I heard a cry through the baby monitor and looked over my shoulder at it. I set the DVD down on the table and thought to myself that I had to thank Leah for helping Bella organize this. I finally knew what all of those looks had been about.

"Dada," Sarah hollered down the baby monitor and I hurried away from the den. I stepped into her room and scooped her out of her cot. She clung to me, big wet tears escaping and streaking down her face. I wiped them away gently, before wiping my own wet face with a hot hand.

"It's ok Sarah, Daddy's here," I told her, rocking from side to side. I kissed her cubby cheek and slowly walked out of the room with her. She was still hiccupping big wet sobs. I was planning to make my way back to the den when the door handle to the bedroom glinted in the late afternoon light. I stopped outside our bedroom. I waited for the feeling of dread to come rushing back like it had whenever I had been near this room in the past week but it didn't. Maybe I was ready.

I held Sarah a little tighter; still telling her it was ok and that I would look after her as I gripped the handle to our room. I took a deep breath, steeling myself, and slowly turned the handle, pushing the white door open. I left it fall open but didn't step in right away. It looked exactly the same as the last time I had been in here with Bella and Sarah.

The ache in my chest burned but not as strongly as before and after a moment I stepped inside the room. I shushed Sarah gently as I looked around. Bella was everywhere. Her scent invaded my nostrils from the neatly made bed. Her jewelry glinted from the open jewel box on the bureau. The book she had been reading was still on her side of the bed, the spine cracked and it rested flat and open on the table, holding her place forever.

I took another step forward to the bed that had haunted me. The bed she had died in. I sat down on it and after a moment I curled onto my side, swinging my feet up onto the bed. I lay on my side and held Sarah to my chest. She was no longer screaming and her eyes were closed but tears still leaked down her face. Tears were falling down mine as well. I rested my head on the pillow and glanced over at Bella's empty side. I closed my eyes and held Sarah tighter, breathing in Bella all around me.

I lay there holding my daughter in my arms, making sure she was safe. Sarah's breathing slowly evened out and she fell back into sleep, snuggling into my body. I loved Sarah so much and her being there was such a comfort to me. I kissed her head gently. The aching burn in my chest was vicious but I was able to think around it now. It no longer consumed me.

"I love you Bella," I whispered into the pillow as I felt my body relax for the first time since she had died. Buried in her scent, with our daughter in my chest I slowly drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face.

The ache in my chest was always there, some days worse than others. Life without Bella was agonizingly hard. Sometimes I though I saw her in the most random of places. Like last week when I was doing the grocery shopping with Sarah. I had been looking at milk trying to decide which of the twenty different types to buy (why is there more than one kind anyway?) when a woman with ivory skin and deep brown hair walked past in my side vision. When I turned she was gone and I walked around that shop at least five times but I didn't see her again. My heart had burned the whole way home after that.

Another time I was driving past Fork's High, which was painful at the best of times anyway, when I was sure I saw Bella step out from the side walk onto the side of the road, waving me down. I had slammed on the breaks, skidding the Rabbit a little; glancing around warily for the short pale figure I was sure I had seen. She was no where to be found. It wasn't until the cars behind starting honking at me before I stopped my frantic search for her and managed to calm down enough to drive away.

But some days I could make it to lunch time or early evening with out remembering Bella with just dull throbbing around in my chest. This was a good thing while it lasted but was terrifying when it ended. Because when I realized I had been walking around and had forgotten her, the pain in my chest was at its worst. It almost crippled me, my breath coming fast, my heart racing and my vision blurry. It was always after I forgot her that I needed to watch the DVD again. I had promised myself I wouldn't forget her.

But as the months drew on it became the case more often than not to forget her, until I was sure I had seen her out of the corner of my eye and the pain came flooding back. But I was distracted a lot too. Just like my dad and Leah had promised I wasn't alone. Emily looked after Sarah when I was at work and invited me round for dinner often. Dad was around a lot more too. Even Rebecca had come back to La Push from Hawaii for a week and just hung out with me. Rachael had come over too with Paul and their little boy, who slept the whole time and looked just like Mom. And Leah was more of a friend than ever, although we still were not doing Wednesday lunches.

Some of the worst times were when I was phased. The guys would try to hide what they were feeling but its hard when everyone heard every fleeting, meaningless thought. And under every under current of any conversation there was uneasiness. No one wanted to bring up Bella and I didn't want to hear them tell me they were sorry about what had happened. But every now and again a thought of sympathy would slip out. The guys would tread around such thoughts warily out of respect to me and I would ignore it. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

After that first night of sleeping in our bed with Sarah I hadn't been able to stomach going back into the room. Even after reading her words and watching her video I still couldn't get back into that bed. I had moved my small bed from my father's house not long after that and set it up in Sarah's nursery. It was cramped and I was far too big for the tiny single mattress but I was much more comfortable.

I had given the DVD that Bella had made for Charlie to him the day after I had watched mine. I drove down in Bella's truck and left it at his house. I couldn't stand to see it on the curb everyday. I didn't stay with him when he watched it but he came over the next day with a six pack. We didn't say much just sat in front of the TV and drank. Just as he was getting up to leave he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently.

"Thank you Jake," he mumbled his voice thick and heavy and I nodded at him. He asked for Leah's number so he could thank her too. I scribbled it down on the back of a receipt and he shoved it in his pocket. He gave me one more look, his face expressionless, before turning away with a sigh.

Slowly I started to pack Bella away. It was just little things at first like, removing her body wash from the shower and taking away the books that were lying around when I found them. I eventually moved onto bigger things like folding the clothing from the hamper up and placing it carefully into bags which I kept in the garage. But every now and then I would find something special and add it to the treasure chest she had left me. Her favorite necklace went into the chest as well as her tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet. And old picture of us I found in a drawer from my prom had gone in as well.

Sarah grew bigger and bigger each day. She was back to her smiling and happy self most of the time. She had learnt new words and her favorite one was 'mine'. She always snuggled into me when I held her and I loved her so much that sometimes, when I was just concentrating on her, she erased the burning aching of Bella and replaced it with the warmth and love of Sarah. But every now and again she would look at me in a way that was so much like Bella that I felt like I was choking. It was worst when she was in a bad mood. She would stare at me sadly and ask for Mama over and over again. It had pushed me over the edge the other day.

I was trying to get her fed as fast as possible. I had to get her to Emily's place and I was already late for work. I was really starting to resent working at Dowling's because every time I came home oil stained it would remind me of Bella lying in our bed, gasping for breath. I let loose frustrated sigh as Sarah spat out her breakfast.

"Come on Sarah. Please just eat," I moaned, wiping her mouth with her bib.

"No," she said with authority. No was another favorite of her new words. I scooped up another spoonful of soggy cereal and held it to her mouth. She squirmed away, pushing the spoon from her face with a small hand.

"Mama!" Sarah wailed at me with big tears falling down her face as I tried again. Sarah's hands pushed me away once more and I couldn't control my frustration. I dropped the spoon into the bowl and cereal splattered all over the high chair counter.

"Mama's not here Sarah! I can't do anything about it, just eat dammit!" I growled at her. Sarah stopped crying and looked at me with wide, frightened eyes. I realized how loudly I had yelled and watched as Sarah's face screwed up again and her cries were even louder.

"Mama!" I felt so guilty looking at my daughter's frightened face. I had scared her; I had never scared her before. I stood up quickly, shoving the uneaten breakfast aside.

"Sarah I'm sorry," I said gently as I pulled her out of her chair. I tried to cuddle her to my chest but she pushed away from me with her little arms. It broke my heart. I had gotten her to Emily's but she had sobbed and hiccupped the whole way there.

But on the days that she smiled at me and pulled on my hair whispering 'Dada' in my ear were the best days. Her happy smiling face always dulled the burning ache in my heart and I loved her even more for it. But watching her smile and giggle as she raced around our house on short legs made me feel just a little uneasy.

I would always remember Bella's words at moments like these, when Sarah's face was full of light. Live your life and don't let memories of me hold you back. I only want you to be happy Jacob, she had told me. I wasn't as miserable as I had been in the first few weeks after she had gone, but was I happy now? Watching Sarah laughing and playing I knew that she was happy. But was I?

I still burned for Bella. I still felt alone when not surrounded by the pack or family. There was still a space in my life that wasn't filled, a Bella shaped space. And I wasn't sure I wanted to fill it with something or someone else that wasn't Bella. I was scared that if I did it would mean that some how I would love Bella less. I wasn't as distraught as I had been but I wasn't happy either. Not yet.

I cleaned the dishes quickly, glancing over at Sarah in her playpen every ten seconds or so. She was bashing away at one of those xylophone things and loving every second of it. I thought perhaps it was a little too young for her but it was her favorite toy and I couldn't bring myself to take it away from her. She caught me looking at her and waved at me. I gave her a small smile and waved a soapy hand back and she giggled, smashing the xylophone again with the wooden mallet.

I placed the dishes on the drying rack and made my way out of the kitchen and into the den making sure to ignore the big calendar hanging on the wall. I didn't need the calendar to tell me what the date was. I knew what it was, everyone knew what it was and everyone had been trying to call me. I had eventually ripped the phone cord out of the wall to stop it ringing.

Sarah had turned two eight days ago. We had had a party but not in the back yard. Emily had let me set it up at her house and I was grateful. I had been dreading today. It was on this day that exactly one year ago Bella had died in the small bedroom just a few feet down the hallway from where I now stood.

I had managed to make it back into that room and sleep in there but I was plagued by nightmares or soft skin and ragged breath. Even the old nightmares of the car crash had come back for awhile. The nightmares had gotten worse two weeks ago when I realized what the date was. I had moved back into Sarah's nursery again, but it didn't feel permanent like it did before. But I couldn't be in that room today.

"Up!" Sarah commanded with a laugh and I reached down tucking her into my body. Her little hand rested on my cheek and she smiled at me. I smoothed down her wild black hair and smiled back, although it felt a little forced. My stomach was full of butterflies and I kept licking my lips nervously.

"Are you ready Sarah?" I asked her, grabbing the black bag of supplies off the dinning room table and slinging it over my shoulder.

"Sarah ready," she told me, as I snatched up my keys. I carried her out to the garage and opened the back door. I put her in her car seat and she pulled on my chin length hair as I did up the buckles.

I got in the front and took ten full seconds to just breathe. I felt nervous and I knew that this would be hard. If I hadn't had the gut feeling that I had to do this, I wouldn't be. But something was telling me I had to. This was basically asking for pain. I glanced in the rearview mirror at Sarah. She was babbling to herself and looking out the window, her face excited. She loved going for rides in the car. I was convinced she would grow up to love cars as much as I did.

I started the engine and backed out of the garage. I didn't turn on the radio for the short trip, just listened to Sarah talk. Every now and again she would say 'Daddy' and I would glance up at her through the mirror with worry. But she was always fine, always smiling.

I pulled into the gravel car park and killed the engine. The sky was grey today; a huge storm was brewing off the coast. I pulled the keys out of the ignition and swallowed hard against the heat in my throat. I hadn't been here in a year, and I didn't want to be here now but that feeling was still pressing at me.

I got out of the car slowly and pulled open the back door. Sarah's smile was gone almost as if she realized where we were. She watched me as I undid the buckles to her chair. She reached out, touching my face gently. I looked up into her eyes that were so like Bella's.

"Miss Mama," she told me softly. I felt my breath catch and unclasped the last buckle quickly, pulling her into me again. She pressed her little face into my neck, her small hands clutching my shoulders.

"I know sweetie," I whispered, holding her tight "we are going to see Mama."

I locked the car and made my way down the green grass, walking around the heavy line of trees until the rows of headstones came into view. My heart thrummed wildly in my chest as the white one that I had only seen once but was burned into my memory jumped out at me.

I slowed right down as I made my way up to the row of head stones. I stopped in front of hers and Sarah twisted around in my arms to see why we had stopped. She looked back at me and I sat down on the grass like I had last time.

"Mama?" Sarah asked me and I nodded at her. She turned in my arms looking at the white stone. I knew she was young but I couldn't help but to wonder if she some how knew her mother was only a few feet away from her.

Sarah wiggled out of my grip and I let her crawl out of my lap. She took a small step before squatting down on the ground next to me and pulled up a little handful of green grass that covered Bella's grave. She looked at it in her hand before holding it out to me. I held out my hand and she put the grass in my palm.

"Mama," she said again and I nodded at her. Sarah sighed and sat down on her bottom next to me. I wrapped a big hand around her shoulders and held her to my thigh. We didn't move for a long time. Sarah started to doze off so I pulled her into my lap again to keep her warm. I couldn't help but to remember the fight I had had with the blood sucker the last time I was here. I had never seen Cullen again after that night.

I traced Bella's name with my eyes as I had done before. The last few days her words had been haunting me. She wanted me to be happy and I wasn't sure I could be without her. The ache was still in my heart and I was starting to think it would never go away.

But at the same time I was glad the hurt was still there. I didn't want to lose Bella anymore than I already had. I didn't want to say good bye to her, to our memories and how I feel for her. I was still scared that if I became happy I would love Bella less somehow. It was almost as if the continual grieving for the loss of her was the only way I could show I still loved her.

When Bella had been in my life the world felt full of possibilities. I felt like there was nothing we could accomplish together. She would always support me and I her. But after she had passed my life left bleak. I had my friends and family but it wasn't the same. There was no one there breathing next to me at night or a loving hand holding mind when I walked down the street. The gap that Bella had left behind was monumental. And I had no idea how to fill it.

I had loved Bella for almost every moment of my life that I could remember. She was the only girl I saw when I lay in my bed as a teenager, wishing she was mine. She was always in my thoughts when I was growing up, hoping she would visit Charlie each year so I might see her. She was my other half. I didn't want to replace her; I didn't think I could even if I wanted to. How could I find another Bella?

I closed my eyes so her name wouldn't stab at me any more. I didn't want another Bella, I wanted my Bella. I felt hot tears prick my eyes and I wiped them away quickly. I opened my eyes, looking away from the head stone, blinking rapidly.

Even now when I was technically able to function without her in relative calm little things would set me off. I would see a woman in purple and remember it was her favorite color. I would find an old shirt of hers and remember what we had been doing when I had seen her wear it last. Even though most of Bella's things were packed away now or given to family and friends who wanted something of hers it didn't take much to remind me of her and set off the throbbing in my heart.

I felt Sarah shift and I glanced down at her in my arms. She was sleeping soundly, her little chest rising and falling evenly. I watched the wind play with her silky hair and marveled at how long her eyelashes were. I gently touched her little face, my little piece of Bella that was still here.

That last thought struck my suddenly. Sarah was part of me but she was part of Bella too. Maybe I didn't have to replace Bella to be happy like Bella had wanted. Maybe I already had the piece of Bella that was missing from my life in Sarah. The thought made my chest throb again but I thought it over for a moment. Sarah was remarkably like Bella.

She held her self in the same way and their laughter was identical. She was shy and quiet until she got to know someone, always hiding her face in my shoulder when ever we met someone new. She blushed all the time although her darker skin did make it less obvious. But there were sometimes when Sarah would look at me and it would take the breath out of my lungs by just how much she reminded me of her mother.

So maybe I had it wrong. Maybe Bella had got it wrong too in saying I needed to fall in love with someone else to move on from her. Maybe I was supposed to fill the Bella shaped hole in my life with the Bella that was there in our daughter. Sarah was what would make me complete. Sarah could make the ache go away when she laughed and smiled. Wasn't that proof that she should be how I showed my love for Bella? By loving Sarah and by making her happy? I clutched Sarah to my chest and she woke with a start. She wrapped her arms round my neck.

"Daddy," she mumbled into my skin. I kissed her little face, pressed my lips to her forehead.

"I love you Sarah," I told her, pulling back and looking down at her face. She smiled at me and touched my cheeks again. I couldn't describe the feeling of absolute love I felt for my little girl. It was overwhelming. It was similar to the loved I had for Bella, but different. I had fallen in love with Bella when I met her. I had loved Sarah since before she had even been born.

"Love," she echoed and I smiled with her. I stood up and glanced down at Bella's headstone. Her name didn't pain me like it had only a few minutes ago. I rested my cheek against Sarah's head listening to her heart. It was strong and steady and reassuring. I didn't know for sure if this would work but if felt right. The gut feeling that I had had for the last three days to come here eased off.

As I shifted Sarah the grass she had pulled from Bella's grave and gave to me fell from my hand. I watched the wind snatch up he little green blades, tossing them about the cemetery. The hollow, lonely feeling that had been my constant companion since the day Bella died began to ebb a little. My shoulders felt less weighed down, my heart a little less heavy. Maybe I had found a way to love Bella and still move on. Maybe I wouldn't have to say goodbye to Bella, I could just keep loving her, only in a different way.

I felt my body relax suddenly and I hadn't realized how tense I had been. Had I been this way for a year? It seemed likely. Sarah pushed away from my chest and gazed up at me. I traced her straight nose with a finger. I caught a movement in the corner of my eye glanced toward the thick trees of the surrounding forest.

I saw a glimpse of white fabric, the shimmer of brown hair that flashed red in the sun. I turned my face from it and kissed Sarah's head again. The ache in my chest was gone. I felt the whisper of cool hands on my arms, the remembered sweet scent of her skin.

"Be happy," she breathed in my ear, her voice so soft and so sweet.

"I will be Bells," I whispered back, "I will be."

I turned from her grave, holding our daughter in my arms and with every step I felt lighter, I felt happier. I was ready now. I could let Bella go. I stepped into my future, wounded but no longer bleeding, uncertain but no longer frightened, a widower but not alone, and decided to live for our daughter on a Saturday.