Chapter 1- See I'm Smiling

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"James Michael, get down here right now!" Elise yelled up the stairs of our townhouse.

Elise and I had really made a life four ourselves and "our" son James. I had gone back to school, and now taught theatre at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts. Elise now worked for Scholastic, and loved every minute of it. We had moved from our small two room apartment to a three story, four bedroom, townhouse. This all happened about two years after I had James. Elise and I had stopped fighting off our feelings for eachother and just let things happen. Since then, we had been in a happy, monogamous relationship. James has grown up calling Elise, Mama, and me, Mommy.

"What Mama?" James asked, coming down the stairs.

"What have we told you about leaving your shoes by the door?" Elise asked him, pointing to the shoes left in the foyer.

"You said I shouldn't leave them there because someone could trip." James replied, looking down at his feet.

"Yes, so why did you leave them there?" I asked, looking at my son's guilty face.

"I forgot. I'm sorry Mama. I'm sorry Mommy." James replied, picking up his shoes.

"It's okay baby, but you need to be more careful. Especially now that Mama has your baby brother or sister in her belly." I stated, picking James up. He was getting to big to hold.

"Would it hurt my baby brother or sister if she fell?" James asked, innocently, his blonde curls falling in his face as he spoke.

"Yes it would." I replied, simply.

"Then I'll be careful! I promise." James proclaimed, hugging my neck.

I smiled at him and kissed his forehead. James was my life. Every time I saw him I could not help but smile. He looked a lot like Jamie though, and even though I was over Jamie sometimes that reminder brought back memories I would rather forget. I did see a lot of myself in James too. He had my ears and my nose. He also shared my love for music and theatre, even at such a young age. Elise and I agreed to get him guitar and singing lessons. He is a natural at singing, but Elise and I didn't think it would hurt to get him lessons.

"James, why don't you go get ready for your lessons?" I asked, putting him down.

"Ok, Mommy." James replied, running up the stairs to get his music books and guitar.

"James is really something." I stated, walking over to sit beside Elise on the couch.

"Cath, I really need to tell you something so you don't end up with a shock later." Elise said, catching my eye.

"What is it?" I asked. Elise and I were always brutally honest with each other, so whatever she had to say would be important. Her tone was what worried me. She sounded a bit afraid of what she had to tell me. What could it possibly be that she was so afraid to tell me?

"Jamie's in town, and he's doing a book signing and talk at the bookstore next to James' music lessons." Elise replied, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Oh god, what do you think I should do?" I asked.

"Well, Cath, his book is about your marriage to him. I think you should try to talk to him before or after the signing. He does have a right to know about James, even if he never answered any of your calls." Elise replied, as she gently brushed stray strands of hair out of my face.

"You read his book?" I asked softly. I wasn't angry. I was upset though. I was upset that Jamie wrote about something so personal to me, and didn't even think to ask me if it was okay. Now, the whole world could read about my marriage that fell apart.

"I had to. My co-worker started talking about it and I had to read it. I wanted to be able to warn you about it so that you didn't hear about it from anyone else. He used different names in the book, but anyone that knows you well, and knows you were married to Jamie at one point could easily figure it out. However, I wouldn't worry too much Cath. He showed both his side, and your side. He actually made himself seem more of the bad guy than you. He blames himself it seems." Elise told me in response.

"So you think I should try to talk to him?" I asked. This situation made me a nervous wreck.

"Yes, at least tell him about James. James deserves to know who his father is." Elise stated.

"Your right and James has begun to ask about his father lately. Pretty soon I'm not going to be able to just brush it off." I said.

"I'll have dinner ready for when you come home. I'll be prepared for if Jamie happens to come home with you and James." Elise told me.

"Alright, I love you. Be careful making dinner, and call me if you need me." I stated, as I walked over and kissed Elise.

"I will, and Cath, I'm pregnant not crippled. I can make dinner without hurting myself or the baby." Elise said, as she pushed me toward the door where James was already waiting.