Thoughts That Count

Episode 5 Part 4

Ezra

When we left the bar I was still feeling uncertain. Although she didn't show it, I could tell Aria knew something was off. And something was. We were. Maybe Hardy had been right.

I was skeptical about her coming back to the apartment, but ten minutes later I was unlocking the door with her hovering behind me. I shut the door behind me and continued to think silently. How could this all seem so wrong all of a sudden?

"So are all college boys like the ones in that bar?" Aria asked lightheartedly as I dropped my keys on the table and shirked off my jacket, "Is it possible to say hello to a guy without putting them in a headlock?"

"Well maybe when you go to college, you'll find out for yourself," I said tonelessly. I still hadn't looked at her directly since my conversation with Hardy.

"Okay, stop," She said, suddenly dropping the "it'll blow over if I ignore it" act and causing me to look into her eyes.

Her eyes. They were so confusing. What did it mean that I fell apart when I looked into them? What did all of this mean? The bars, the classes, the apartment, the fights, the assignments… all mixed together. It made my head spin.

"Did Hardy say something?" I turned away again as soon as she spoke, walking across the small room, "About us? Or about me?" she questioned.

"No," I lied over-sarcastically, "Why would he? I was just having fun, in a bar, with a high school student," putting it together like that made the sarcasm itself sound like more of a joke than the actual words. This was… insane.

"You make it sound so awful."

"Well maybe it is. If you think about it-" I retorted, sinking onto the couch.

"Why?" she demanded. "Was I acting like a high school girl? Did I do anything to embarrass you?" I looked away, trying to find my bearings. I was torn between her words and Hardy's, echoing in my head, "Look, have I ever done that?"

"No, Its not about that," I told her, trying to decipher what it was about Hardy's words that had made me feel this way when I had been so ready to refute them as he spoke.

"Okay, then what is it about? I mean is it Hardy's problem, or is it yours? Where did this come from?" She asked softly. I could tell she was searching for me to meet her eyes, but for some reason as much as I wanted to in that moment, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to look up at her and take her hands and say that I was acting stupid.

"Age is never an issue when we're together," She added.

"When it's just the two of us. But when we're out in the world, people notice," I jumped. I felt so bear. That's why I was so afraid. This, with her, suddenly didn't feel safe like it had in my car. It felt… terrifying.

"No, Hardy noticed. Look, he's your friend, and if you're okay with it, I really doubt it's going to bother him."

"Aria let's get real. In theory, we are a lot more wrong than we are right," I told her. There was no more denying it. We couldn't live in the world of fantasies and romances anymore, not with the outside world involved. The real world, a world that wasn't just the two of us.

"You wanna be real? Forget about theory," she insisted, eaning forward to look me in the eyes, "What does it feel like? When we're together?"

I scoffed and looked away again, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans as I searched for an answer, "Good," I stood up, wracking my brain for some other answer than the truth, one that went along with my conscience. But I couldn't bring myself to one, "It feels right."

I sighed, and finally stopped hiding, pouring out what I really needed to say, "I want to be with you. I want'ta hang out in a bar, introduce you to my friends, s-split a plate of fries like everybody else, but I don't think we can do that," Everybody else… they were there around me, but she… she was… "When I'm with you, I don't care about anybody else."

"What? So are you talking yourself into this or out of it?" She asked with frustrated confusion.

Was I? "Yes! … N-no… Maybe…" I spat out with no direction. Which answer meant I wanted her here? Which answer meant I was also confused?

"So, let's review," She stood up from the arm chair across the sofa and I rubbed my neck, trying to find out what was making the lump rise in my throat, "Look, we're here now. And its just the two of us," She took my hand and her eyes shattered me into a million confused pieces again, "And its feels good. So let's not care together."

She placed her warm hand on my cheek and pulled my down to her lip. As we kissed, all of the pieces came back together.

It was just the two of us, and it felt good…