In a few days the pain in my shoulder had melted into a dull throb. I was well enough to walk around the building which was strange. The last time I had been on this God forsaken island Murdoc had hardly let me out of my room. Now he would greet me in the halls, let me sit on the beach, and hang out in the recording studio when he was editing. If it had been three months earlier I would have scoffed at the opportunity to sit in with Murdoc while he was editing but I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know what was going on not only in his head but in mine too.

2D had gone to bed early complaining of a headache, at first I curled up next to him and tried to sleep myself but as he drifted off to sleep I became more and more awake. I could hear the thumping of the bass through the ceiling; it felt like it was calling me. So I placed a guilty kiss on 2D's forehead and snuck out of the room.

Murdoc looked surprised when I knocked on the door. He looked comical in the big headphones. I forced back a smile.

"What are you doing here, luv?" He asked, his finger frozen on an unknown button.

"Uh…couldn't sleep." I replied quickly. I wasn't entirely sure if it was a lie. It was true, I hadn't been able to go to sleep but that was because I was too wrapped up with confusing thoughts of Murdoc.

He smiled at me and then turned back to his editing. Silently I crept toward the chair next to him. My heart was racing as well as my mind. I was trying not to think too hard about what exactly I was doing. Murdoc didn't even give me a second glance when I sunk down next to him but I saw his body stiffen.

"W-what are you doing?" I asked.

Murdoc sighed and pressed pause on his fancy control board. He turned to me, trying to look stern but I could see that he was secretly excited I was so close to him. He leaned toward me, again in an attempt to be angry. It made my heart kick into hyper gear.

"I'm working, luv. Can I help you?" He whispered.

A shiver worked its way down my spine. It terrified me. Once I used to be completely disgusted by this man and now…now I was strangely attracted to him. I forced myself to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Murdoc was looking at me expectantly. I had to answer him.

"I think something's wrong with me." I murmured back to him.

His brow furrowed and instantly he was worried about me.

"Is it your shoulder? Is it infected?" He asked, his hands fluttering around me, not sure where he should do.

I rubbed my fingers over my forehead. All this drama was giving me a headache.

"No, it's not my shoulder." I muttered. I couldn't look at him. I just began playing with my fingers in my lap. He reached out and took hold of them. There was an electric shock that ran through my body from my fingers all the way to my toes. Murdoc pulled his hands away quickly; I hadn't been the only one that felt it.

"Well, what is it luv?" He asked, reaching out as if to tuck a piece of hair out of my face but thinking better of it.

I found myself reaching out toward him. My fingertips brushed his jaw and he jerked away. I felt an ache in my chest and realized with a surprised jolt that I was hurt that he didn't want me to touch him. I pulled my hand back down to my lap and stared at it.

"Sorry." I muttered.

I could feel him staring at me but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I thought maybe after a moment or two he would give up and go back to editing. I would then slink back out of the room and back to 2D and try to forget what was going through my head. So I was surprised when I felt his fingers on my chin, pulling my face back to his.

"Hey, are you ok?" he murmured, not even restricting himself to tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes and wished I could figure out what was going through my head.

"I don't know anymore." I muttered.

When I opened my eyes they locked with his. There was a long moment where time froze. His hand remained under my chin. My heart was thumping erratically in my chest. His breathing became heavy and I saw his eyes dart to my lips. I knew what was going to happen and before I would have been repulsed by the idea of kissing Murdoc, though I had done it once before, but now it seemed almost…pleasant.

"Elle," he whispered, his breath snaking over my face. "I really want to kiss you luv."

I sighed, "I know."

He groaned and pulled my face to his. His lips closed over mine and I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. Had he kissed like this the last time? Or had he been practicing? I felt his hands slide down my body and grab hold of my legs. Quick as a flash he had me out of my chair and into his lap. My mind turned off and just fell to the persuasive sensuality of Murdoc's lips sliding down my jaw line to the base of my neck.

I could really get lost in this man, I found myself thinking as I buried my fingers in his graying hair. I could hear him groaning as his hands trailed up and down my sides, his fingernails counting every one of my ribs. Gasping I brought his lips (which were currently worshipping my collar bone) back up to mine.

"Oh Satan Elle." I heard him whisper in one of the few moments we weren't preoccupied with each other. "Sweet Satan I love you."

I heard his words through a thick fog but they quickly pulled me back to Earth. His hands were working their way under my shirt. My hands were tangled in his hair. His eyes were closed, a look of pure ecstasy on his face. He was still in that place, trapped in sexual tension and lust. I was free falling from that paradise into those three simple words.

"What did you say?" I asked, pushing his face away from mine.

His half-lidded eyes gradually opened back up. That goofy grin quickly fell off his face. He stared at me terror-stricken at what had just slipped out of his mouth.

"What did you say?" I repeated.

"N-nothing luv." He said trying to play it off. Quickly he swooped in and placed a wet kiss on the base of my throat. He was trying to distract me but I wasn't buying it.

"You love me?" I whispered to him. It was a confused whisper. After all, we hadn't seen each other for five years and in the small amount of time we had seen each other I had made it pretty clear I thought he was a monster.

And yet here you are, in his lap, snogging him senseless. The voice in the back of my head chimed in.

Murdoc stared at me conflicted. He could deny it and risk me getting angry at him for lying or he could admit it and risk his feelings not being returned. Suddenly he couldn't look me in the eyes any more. He pulled his exploring fingers out from under my shirt and played, uncomfortably, with the hem of it.

"I-I think I do, yeah." He murmured. "I have no idea how it happened but it just did."

I sat back and ran a hand through my tangled hair. Oh Jesus what had I just done? I felt myself pushing away from him. I pulled his hands off of me and stumbled away from him.

"This was a mistake." I said, feeling the rush of tears clog my throat. "I'm sorry."

I turned and sprinted toward the lift. I needed to get away from him. I needed to think. I needed the ocean. I needed Noodle.

When I reached the beach I sat down at the edge of the water and let myself cry. I cried for 2D who would never have any idea that I had done what I had just done, I cried for Noodle and Russel who were too far away to help me, even though I could see his big dome just off in the distance, I cried for Murdoc who was only dealing with the loneliness of living on an island made of plastic in the middle of nowhere, and I cried for myself because honestly, I should have been able to figure out what I wanted by now.

I cried and cried and cried until there were no more tears left and then I lay down and looked up into the stars. They twinkled down at me, smiling as if there was nothing wrong but I knew better. I had just made out with a man that I had sworn up and down I would never even consider getting within three feet of while my boyfriend was sleeping just a few floors below. I closed my eyes against the pain of an aching heart and let myself drift into the inky land of sleep, wishing that everything would be better when I woke up but knowing that it wouldn't be.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, they made out! And I am oddly happy about it because they are oddly almost cute. I must need serious help.

So today was my first day of school. Yikes. It wasn't so bad other than the fact that I have a zero hour AP US history class that I need to be at by 7:00 every morning or else I get a tardy and then a detention and then an ISS or something radical like that. Yeah. Ouch. But the teacher is pretty cool so I'm not too worried.

Something interesting about my night last night: I had this super adorable dream where I was pregnant with a teacher's baby. Let's call him...Spence. Yeah I had this dream that we were all lovey-dovey and we were at this resteraunt being exactly the kind of thing that I hate (PDA-y) but loving every minute of it (I'm such a hypocrite) and then we got a table in the back of the restaurant and he leaned over and put his hand on my stomach and smiled this big excited smile because he was going to be a daddy and it just warmed the cockles of my heart. But 1) I am not in love with this Mr. Spence and 2) he has never taught any of my classes so the fact that he was the daddy was really weird.

I looked it up on dream dictionary, the fact that I had a dream about a teacher suggests that I need guidance or knowledge and the fact that I had a pregnancy dream means that I'm anxious about a new chapter in my life. So I just started my junior year in high school, I'm a little nervous about that. Maybe I should seek out some guidance or knowledge or something.

Anyhoo, I'd thought you'd be interested in it. If not then leave a comment and stay classy. :)