Chapter 5 – Stand Still, Look Pretty
I remember waking up and shaking in pain. I remember the whiskey and how the first sip burned my throat. Then my world went black again.
The room's still out of focus as I regain consciousness. I'm laying down, that much I know, but I can tell it's not the dark walls of my room. A soft melody reverberates in my ears, immediately soothing the pain I feel.
"You are the strength, that keeps me walking. You are the hope, that keeps my trusting. You are the light, to my soul. You are my purpose, you're everything. How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you? Would you tell me, how could it be, any better than this?"
I let the lullaby course through me, becoming part of my blood as it pumps through my veins. This must be what heaven's like. "You're awake," she whispers as she feels me stirring.
"Please don't stop singing," I beg.
She continues, wrapping my trembling body in her fleece blanket. "Cause you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything, everything. You're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything, everything. And how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you. Would you tell me, how could it be, any better than this? Would you tell me, how could it be, any better than this?"
The tune fades away, but I continue to lie there, breathing in the scent of her through the fabric, half expecting her to continue with another song. "San what's wrong?" she hesitantly breathes.
"Nothing," I say as I pull my legs into a fetal position. "Nothing," I repeat, more for myself than her.
"You're obviously hurting."
"I just had a little too much to drink."
"The fact that you were drinking on a Monday night is proof enough that there's something going on. You're hiding something from me San, and I'm worried about you." Anyone who thinks Brittany is oblivious to the world around her should listen to the way she talks to me.
"How did you find out by the way?" I ask, avoiding her questions. "How did I get here?" I motion to the room around me.
"You don't remember?" My silence proves my embarrassment at the fact. "You called me about some party and I could tell you were already drunk because your words were slurred. When I came to see if you were okay, you were passed out on the floor." I cringed at the thought of her seeing me like that. "So, not wanting your dad to come home and find you, I carried you to my car and brought you here so I could look after you." She paused, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. "San what party were you planning on going to that trashed?"
"I don't remember." There was no party last night. I knew the party I was referring to in my drunken stupor was the back to school rager freshman year.
"Can you stop lying to me? I don't lie to you." Her words are harsh, but I know it's because she truly cares.
"I can't tell you."
"Can't or won't."
I begin to cry and involuntarily pull myself closer to her. I could feel myself slipping away and I needed her to hold on to. "Can't."
"San."
"Just hold me please…please…and never let go." Not only did she embrace my tiny frame, she began to shower me with kisses; my forehead, cheeks, the top of my head, my nose.
"I'm right here," she whispered. "Nothing you could say or do could change that."
"That's not true."
She pulls my head in her hands and forces me to make eye contact with her. "Try me."
"I…" and with that her phone is going off, and I can tell by the ringtone who it is.
xxxxx
"You didn't have to do that," Quinn's voice rang in my ear as she saddled up next to me in the hall.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I smirk.
"Well thank you S," she smiled.
"Listen, I did what was necessary okay."
"But you'll never be able to rejoin the squad now. She's so pissed she had us all do 50 wind sprints, and that was just warm-ups."
"I'll be fine," I retort as I retreat down the crossing hallway.
xxxxx
"Did you hear?" Tina asked.
"Hear what?" Mercedes looked toward her as she washed her hands.
"Brittany and Artie broke up."
"When?"
"Like five minutes ago."
"Why?"
"No clue. Someone said they heard something about Santana."
"Maybe she manipulated Artie into thinking that if he had sex with her his legs would start working."
"I guess even her best friend isn't safe from her games."
The two girls left the ladies room snickering, obviously they had failed to check if anyone was in the stalls. I stood frozen, stunned by what I had just heard. I took out the flask I had been carrying and took a swig.
xxxxx
I didn't hear much more about the topic the rest of the day, but by the time I needed to be in the choir room for glee rehearsal, I was more than a little tipsy. Which actually was a good thing because as I entered the room, more than half of them displayed some very hateful looks directed toward my general vicinity.
"What?" I shrug, trying to sound as sober as I could.
"Don't act like you didn't do anything," Kurt sneered.
"We all know," Mercedes added.
"It's not like you haven't already proven you're the class harlot," Rachel concluded.
"I can't believe you broke them up," Sam countered.
"Whatever, you guys don't know shit." I turned to walk back out, but was stopped as Brittany appeared in the doorway. She saw the hurt written on my face and immediately questioned what was going on. "Apparently I fucked your boyfriend," I utter before walking past her.
xxxxx
I sat on the bleachers over-looking the football field, bringing the flask to my lips. I didn't acknowledge her presence as she sat down next to me, instead deciding to take another sip.
"I'm sorry."
"Is it true?" I ask between sips.
"Yes. I wish you'd stop drinking." I turned to look at her. She was beautiful, perfect really. What does she even see in me? "Babe, please tell me what's going on," she pleaded, and with those simple words my heart shattered.
"I want to, believe me….I'm just so scared."
"I love you okay. Everything about you. Flaws and all." Her smile grew as she squeezed my thigh.
"I'm a train wreck in the morning, I'm a bitch in the afternoon. Every now and then without warning, I can be really mean towards you." I begin to express myself the only way I know how, through song. I ungracefully stand in front of her and continue, "I'm a puzzle yes in deed, ever complex in every way. And all the pieces aren't even in the box, and yet, you see the picture clear as day."
A tear escapes and slides down my rosy cheeks. "I don't know why you love me, and that's why I love you. You catch me when I fall, accept me flaws and all, and that's why I love you."
I can see tears welling within her gorgeous orbs, threatening to spill over at any minute. "I'm a peasant by some standards, but in your eyes I'm a queen. You see potential in all my flaws, and that's exactly what I mean."
I grab her hands in mine and pull her to stand with me. "I don't know why you love me, and that's why I love you. You catch me when I fall, accept me flaws and all, and that's why I love you." I lean in and kiss her passionately, our tears mixing against our grazing cheeks.
"And that's why I love you," she whispers and kisses me again.
xxxxx
The song "Sex and Candy" is playing on repeat in my mind as her lips leave traces of saliva down my neck, because that's exactly what I smell. My hand ruffles her hair as she continues downward on my torso, kissing the piece of skin visible between my shirt and jeans. I let out a low moan as her fingers tug at the hem of my shirt.
"Wait," I breathe.
"What's wrong?" she pants.
I want this more than anything, but I'm not ready for her to see my secrets yet, the ones scarred across my skin. "Turn off the lights," I suggest.
She obeys quickly before removing her own shirt, rejoining her position on top of me. Her long, silky legs straddle my hipbones, and I reactively thrust toward her. She gently slides my shirt over my head and discards it on the floor. I pull her into me, afraid that if she's left to stare for too long, my scars will glow in the dark for her to read like a novel. Our tongues dance for each other, tasting the core of one another. Her hands cup my breasts and I can't help but groan for more.
She instinctively kisses her way down my jaw line and neck, pausing as she licks the underside of each breast. Her tongue happily plays with each nipple, and I can feel them grow hard within her mouth. I tangle my hands in her golden locks, urging her to continue. My stomach flinches at her kiss and a small giggle erupts from within her.
She softly kisses the crease of my pelvic bone as her hands play with the top of my pants. I lift my hip as they are pulled from me, discarded next to my awaiting shirt. I feel jolted to life as her tongue makes its way between my legs. Her fingers frame the heat of me, granting her full access to take complete control over me.
My body goes limp within her grasp, giving myself to her completely. As a wave rolls through my body, I grab onto her, praying for some type of grounding, as I feel so light and free. She kisses her way back up my body as I lay panting beneath her. She pushes a sweat-soaked bang off my face and kisses my temple.
"You're fucking amazing," is all I can manage to breath as she slides next to me, pulling me on top of her so she can wrap her arms around me. She shakes her head and I continue to repeat it until she's kissing me hard.
We lay intertwined for a while as I come down from my high, her fingers scrawling small circles on my back. "San, does this mean we can be together?" I freeze and she feels it. "I mean since Artie and I are done, and we love each other and stuff. I was just…"
"I can't. Not yet."
"Why?"
"Because we don't have to be public for our relationship to be real. Why does everyone else have to be involved?"
"That's not the point. I just want to be able to do coupley things with you." She sounds defeated.
"We can do those things here," I smirk as I kiss her playfully, hoping to change the subject. She feels my need for deflection and respects me enough to kiss me back.
xxxxx
Eyes are fixed on me as I enter school, which isn't anything new, except for the fact that they're smiling, and laughing, and I think even pointing. Some even have shocked and disappointed facial expressions and I can't help but walk a little quicker toward the choir room. Maybe word really did spread about Artie and I, which is just gross by the way.
"What the hell is going on? Artie and I didn't do anything," I question as I make my way into the room. However, not only are they all staring at me as well, I notice Brittany sitting with her head cast down toward the floor.
"We know," Rachel began.
"Know what?" Anger seeps within me.
"There are pictures all over the internet." My eyes look toward Brittany and then it hits me.
"I…we…" but words fail me. And instead I'm fleeing as fast as I can. I run out of the room and down the hall, past the leering stares and snide comments, and out to my car. I waste no time in getting the hell out of there.
I fling my door open with enough force to knock a picture off the adjacent wall. I drop my belongings to the floor as I sprint to the bathroom. The liquor I stashed weeks ago is still behind the towels in my closet, and I eagerly down an eighth of it before craving something more. I can't remember where I put the blade after the last incident, so I search for a different instrument, but nothing appears.
I happen to steal a glance at myself in the mirror, mascara running in streaks down my face, my eyes bloodshot, my cheeks burning with fury.
I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself
The song leaks from my lips as I hate the person staring back at me.
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over
The liquor sloshed within the bottle in my grasp as I brought it to my mouth and drank heavily, allowing it to burn its way through my bloodstream.
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
I was so fucking tired of trying to be the perfect head cheerleader. I was so fucking sick of trying to fulfill a role that I had been cast in. I was so fucking done with being this hallow, shell of a person.
Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it
I watched my reflection as the words trailed off my tongue and into the empty room. The liquid no longer burned as it made its way down my throat. Instead it offered a sense of release. Of comfort. Of nothing.
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
I threw the now empty bottle at the disgusting image of myself, shattering the mirror into shards of glass that began to litter my bathroom.
"San," I heard as I brought my heavy hands to my head to rub at my temples. I was starting to hear things as I began to get very dizzy. I felt myself lose my balance and begin to fall, but instead of hitting cold, hard tile, I landed on warm flesh.
"San," came the voice again, and I realized I wasn't imagining things as her arms wrapped around me. It was then I wondered how long she had been there, was she waiting outside listening to me sing and slowly self-destruct.
"Brit…" I questioned hazily.
"What's going on?" her voice laced with panic.
"N…nothing," I slurred.
"Shit Santana, stop fucking lying to me. You're bleeding. That is obviously not nothing." I looked down at my legs and noticed the cuts, and I couldn't remember if I had done them or if the shattered glass had. "You need to see a doctor San. They could get infected."
"I'm fucking drunk. I can't see a doctor."
"Well whose fault is that." Her eyes stare down at me questioningly; piercing the shell I had managed to build over my skin.
"I'm gonna be…" I blurt before leaning toward the toilet. Her hands are at my back instantly, rubbing soothing circles to ease the pain, her other hand gracefully holding back my hair.
All I wanted to do was pass out, allow the alcohol to take its intended effect, but she wouldn't let me. "I need you to stay with me," she begged.
As my eyes continue to grow heavy, I feel her arms around me, one under my legs, and the other behind my neck. She lifts me from the ground, and for the first time in my life I felt nothing; no pain, just freedom, the weightless notion of flying.
However, instead of placing me in my soft bed, I feel the cool walls of the bathtub encircle me. The rest of my clothes were stripped from me as she gently lays me back against her. I feel the fullness of her breasts press against my back, realizing that she was naked as well. Her arms surround me as I sit between her legs, the warm water filling the tub quickly.
She strokes my hair as it falls in waves down my back. The pads of her fingertips start to roam my exterior, finding every secret I had laid out for her to read. I wince, expecting harsh words, but instead she brings my arm to her lips and kisses each spot tenderly.
"Don't," I cry. She ignores me as her lips press against my shoulder blade. She pulls me in closer, if that were possible, and I feel her body start to shake as I fade out of consciousness.