Author's Note: This is shorter than most of my chapters, but the others should be longer… I was almost crying while writing this…
The Princess Diaries belongs to Disney and Meg Cabot.
Joe looked at his reflection in the mirror- something he very rarely did- and decided he looked fine… despite the fact that, as usual, he was wearing black, which Clarisse sometimes teased him about...
000
"Have you ever thought about wearing another colour?" she asked him occasionally, but it wasn't until she asked him recently that he had really thought about it.
"I have," Joe admitted with a laugh. "But it's hard to be 'invisible' (or being close to it) when you're wearing bright blue or red… Have you tried it?"
"No… but I don't wear black all the time… and, besides, I'm meant to be looked at…."
"Yes, but there was a time that you wore black for far too long, which was understandable at the time, but I was pleased when you started wearing your favourite colours again."
"Yes, I don't particularly like wearing black, unless necessary… but alright, I understand that you need to wear black… but would you ever wear other colours- for example, when you happen to retire? Don't roll your eyes at me, you are going to one day…"
"I suppose I would wear other colours then… what colours do you think would suit me?"
He was well aware that it was flirtatious question to ask his queen, but she was looking directly at him, her eyes narrowed pensively.
"I think you might look good in brown or blue… but, I have to admit, you do wear black well," she smiled endearingly at him, and he only laughed again…
000
He smiled at the thought of that conversation, and checked his reflection again- today was going to be an important day, and the climax to their relationship… he had proposed to Clarisse just over two weeks earlier, and he felt that he had given her enough time to think it over…
He felt a slight twinge of guilt when he had seen the slightly panicked look in her eyes the previous day- one of the bridesmaid's dresses hadn't appeared- and he knew that he should really wait until it was all over and done with, but he had spent almost thirty years waiting for her… He wanted to make her his wife, and it was time that a decision about their future was made.
"Good morning Scott!" he said cheerfully a few minutes later as he strode into the security room, where he found Scott nursing a cup of coffee at the table. "I assume all the others are still asleep or at the gym?"
"Yes… I will be so glad when this is all over, and I can get back to sleeping in!"
Joe laughed as he poured himself a cup of coffee, before joining Shades at the table.
"I don't think that's going to be in the cards for you, young Scott… I think there may be a possibility that you'll be stepping into my shoes once the current Queen steps down!"
"I don't think so… maybe Her Highness will want you to stay on…"
"I'm willing to stay on for a little while, if necessary, but I'm not going to do it forever… there are other things that I want to do with my time now…."
"All of which involve a certain Queen?" Shades looked up with a sly look, and Joe grinned.
"Hopefully… if I'm lucky…"
"Joe, I don't know what you're worrying about… she's going to say yes, and then we'll have the chance to celebrate a second royal wedding!"
"I wish I could be as confident as you, Scott," Joe said calmly, sipping his coffee.
Although he knew Clarisse would want to, more than anything, there had been too many hurdles thrown in Mia's way in the past few weeks to make Clarisse entirely comfortable about leaving her. Joe was hoping against hope that she would listen to her heart, rather than her head, but he also knew that there was a strong pull from her duties and responsibilities… he had found it admirable over the years, but now… he longed for her to have her own life, away from public duty and responsibility, and with him… he had loved her for so long, and it was time for them to make their relationship official…. Yet, he realised that there would be factions that would look down on him….
Shades grinned at him- he could tell what Joe was thinking, and he couldn't blame him.
"Joe, how many times do I have to tell you… she's crazy about you, always has been, and who really cares about what other people think about you two? The only person that should really matter, apart from the two of you, is the Princess… and, if I think she's as much like her father as she seems to be, she will be more than happy for you… Why are you so nervous about her decision, anyway?"
"I've decided that today is the day…." he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.
"I'm sure that she made her decision on that first day, and she's been dragging out your suspense for the past two weeks," Shades said confidently, and Joseph had to laugh, knowing that it wouldn't be true.
"Most women do it, you know… Charlotte made me wait nearly a week before she said she would go out with me!"
"Well, that was funny," Joe chuckled as he remembered the state Scott was in until Charlotte happily agreed. "She knew how to press your buttons!"
"Yes, but she's a great girl anyway," Shades said with a fond smile, before looking directly at Joseph again. "But I can tell you, for certain, that Her Majesty won't let you get away… she's much too clever a woman for that!"
"I hope you're right, Scott," Joe said thoughtfully, now both nervous and excited about Clarisse's answer. "I hope you're right."
Clarisse, meanwhile, hadn't slept very well the previous night, and was feeling rather tired as she sat down to her usual solitary breakfast, listlessly looking at the front page of the newspaper on top of the pile she had to read. She was still very concerned about Mia and the wedding, as well as the coronation, but there was something more troubling on her mind that day… the decision she had to tell Joseph, when she had the chance.
He had given her several meaningful looks over the past few days (and thankfully people had interrupted her before she had the chance to tell him), and she knew it was unfair to drag the situation out anymore. It had taken her every day of the two weeks since the proposal to make her decision, and it had been the hardest one she had ever made… Just the times she and Joseph had spent together over the weeks, reminiscing, had made it all the more difficult, but she knew it was the right way to go…
She couldn't marry him, not at that point in time… Mia's claim to the throne, given the hurdles she had endured, was still precarious, and Clarisse would only relax when Mia was on the throne and happily married… it was unfair, she thought bitterly to herself, that both Mia and herself had to sacrifice their own personal happiness for the sake of Genovia, but she knew that Mia had to come first… at least for now. She knew that Joseph would understand her decision- she still wanted to marry him, more than anything, but he just had to wait a little while longer… She even had planned what she was going to say to him… however, she was brought back to earth by the sound of one of her doors opening.
"Good morning, Grandma!" came the cheerful voice from the doorway, and Clarisse looked up from her newspaper to see Mia standing there, pyjama clad and grinning at her.
"What on earth are you doing up at this hour?" Clarisse asked as she glanced at her watch in astonishment. "I would have thought you would have been in bed for at least another hour!"
"I can't… final fitting for the wedding dress this morning, remember?" Mia collapsed into the chair opposite her, and Clarisse suddenly remembered.
"That's right… is Charlotte going with you to that?"
"Yes, and then I've got to spend the rest of the day practicing archery… why on earth do they have that tradition, anyway?"
"I've told you that- it's about lighting your own eternal flame… and I think that it's quite a lovely symbolic tradition…."
"Have you had to do it?" Mia asked pointedly, and Clarisse had to chuckle sheepishly.
"No… the suggestion, thankfully, never came up… your grandfather died, Phillipe was going to be King within the year, then… well, I guess parliament thought it wouldn't be such a good idea, and I'm very grateful I don't have to do it… But you'll do us all proud!"
"Thank you," Mia said quietly, looking at Clarisse intently- she hadn't thought about it, but Clarisse looked rather tired and sad… She had seemed to be so happy and carefree at the slumber party, but now… it was as if she had the world on her shoulders.
"Are you alright, Grandma… you look rather… tired?" Mia asked shyly, and Clarisse gave a start before waving her hand airily.
"I'm fine, darling… obviously that sleepover went a bit too late, and I have been rather busy these last few days… planning both a wedding and a coronation isn't exactly a walk in the park," she teased, and Mia grinned. "But I'm fine… I'll just be glad when this is all over…"
"Can't wait to dump it all on me, hey?" Mia teased as she stood up and stretched. "Don't worry… when I'm Queen, I'm going to put you to work anyway!"
"I'd like to see you try, my girl!" Clarisse had to laugh as Mia waved and disappeared out the door. Clarisse smiled after her for a moment- the girl had given her so much joy over the years, and she was going to be very proud once she became Queen…..
00000000
Clarisse was frantically busy for the rest of the day- there were still the final wedding details to oversee, but she was pleased to hear that the wedding dress was ready and waiting in Mia's suite.
"It's such a beautiful dress!" Charlotte raved when she came back from the final fitting, and Clarisse smiled. "You and the princess have such wonderful taste!"
"This was all Mia's doing… I just gave her my opinion about what looked pretty…I'll have to take your word for it about the dress. I've decided that I'm not going to see it until the wedding day… by the way, how were the bridesmaids' dresses?"
"Fine… Lily didn't like hers, but Mia convinced her that she would only be wearing it for one day… that cheered her up a little!"
"I'm sure it would have," Clarisse chuckled- Mia's best friend much preferred dark colours than light, but Mia had refused to consider black or grey at all.
"We're going to be setting up several place settings for your approval in the ballroom this evening…" Charlotte said after consulting her clipboard, and Clarisse nodded patiently.
"I'll see if I have time this evening- I'm fairly busy for the rest of the day… By the way, have you seen Joseph at all in your travels?"
"I think he and Scott are going through last minute plans for security at the wedding… why? Did you want to see him?"
"No, no, thank you… I just wondered where he was… I haven't seen him for most of the morning, that's all…"
If Clarisse was really being honest, she hoped that she wouldn't have to see him until later that evening… she had to tell him by then, she told herself sternly.
"If that's all…" Charlotte interrupted her thoughts, and Clarisse looked up with a smile.
"Of course… I'll come and find you if I need you… Thank you, Charlotte," she said quietly, and Charlotte looked at her for a moment.
The radiant look she had witnessed two weeks earlier had disappeared, and it had been replaced by something sad and resigned… of course, she was flat out with the wedding but, like Mia, she wondered why she was sad… she had her suspicions, but she sincerely hoped it wasn't true…
Clarisse waited until Charlotte had left the room before opening the desk drawer beside her, and pulling out a plain cream, unsealed envelope. Out of it she pulled a letter she had written earlier that morning, after thinking out what she was going to say the night before… if something happened, and Joseph didn't take the news like she thought, she hoped that this would help explain to him her decision….
"My dearest Joseph,
This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write, about the hardest decision I have ever had to make… and I'm not exaggerating. Before I explain, I just want you to know how much I love you, and how difficult this decision was for me to make. You have been a constant and steady presence at my side for the past 20 something years, and I would be foolish not to admit that I have come to rely on you greatly. People would probably say that Queens should rely on their assistants, and not on their Head of Security, but I don't care… You have seen me through more tough times than I care to remember, and you have never shirked from your duty even once, for which I will always be grateful.
The past two weeks have been the most agonising of my life, and I have not made this decision lightly. It has been made all the worse by all the memories that you and I have somehow managed to remember in the past few weeks, and it has made me realise that, no matter what happens, we have a deep, shared history together… not that this has helped me in any way… in fact, it has made me regretful.
I wish that this answer was the one that you and I both want, but it isn't… I can't marry you, not at the moment, not while Mia still has so much to learn… What kind of grandmother would I be if I left her alone when everyone is trying to discredit everything she tries to do and say? She needs me, Joseph, now more than ever, and I have to consider the duty I have to her, as well as the feelings of the people, even before my own… and how I wish I didn't have to!
However, that is not to say that I don't want to marry you eventually… I do, with all my heart… you are the love of my life, and I don't want to lose you or the happiness we've had together over the years… All I'm saying is that we need to wait a little longer… just until Mia is finally settled into marriage and on the throne.
Don't give up on me, or us, darling… I love you, with all of my heart, and one day we really will be together!
All my love
Clarisse"
Clarisse sighed as she finished re-reading the letter, wiping away the tears that had managed to slide down her cheeks while reading, before carefully folding the letter up and slipping it back into the envelope, before putting it back into her desk drawer.
She stared at the innocent looking envelope for a moment, unable to believe that it contained one of the most heartbreaking letters that she had had to write… She was already heartbroken at the thought of her decision, and the task she had to do, and she couldn't even imagine what was going to happen when they finally came face to face….
The rest of the day managed to slip by in mere seconds, or so it seemed, and Clarisse was surprised to hear the clock chime seven in the evening when she finally closed her notebook for the evening. Everything was finally arranged for the wedding, and the coronation was finally beginning to take shape… she would be glad to have an early night that night…
But she suddenly remembered that Charlotte had asked her to approve of a place setting, as well as music, for the reception. She sighed tiredly as she walked slowly out of the study, and headed in the direction of the ballroom. She was very surprised, and a little concerned, that Joseph wasn't anywhere in sight…
The ballroom was empty, apart from the table set up for her inspection, and she turned on the CD player as she went, smiling that she was finally comfortable with some items of technology, thanks to Mia and Joseph. She stepped towards the nearest palace setting to look at it, but she was listening to the orchestra, and she suddenly walked away from the table, swept up in the music she was listening to… It reminded her of some of the times she had danced with her husband but, more often, with Joseph… She slowly swayed to the music, before pretending to dance with someone… Joseph, preferably…
She failed to notice the dark shadow stepping into the ballroom, and he grinned as he watched her dance by herself for a moment… whenever she was alone, she always seemed to be less intimidating and more childlike, than when everyone was around… that was one of the things he found irresistible about her… But to see her dancing by herself was impossible to resist joining her…
"Oh!" she gave a cry of surprise when he took her into his arms, but she beamed happily at him- she was very happy to see him and felt very comfortable in his arms as she leant her head against his shoulder, drifting away. She had always loved the scent of his aftershave, and his goatee tickled against her forehead…
For a moment, she completely forgot about her decision and just relaxed, contented to be dancing in the arms of the man she loved… Joseph loved the moment just as much as she, her perfume always so intoxicating, but he also knew that the time had come…
"Have you been thinking about us?" he asked softly, and Clarisse's heart stopped for a moment as she realised that moment of truth had arrived. She didn't want to look at him, but she had to… she slowly raised her eyes, filled with compassion and pain, and met his, and he abruptly saw the decision in her eyes.
"Yes I have," she said softly, and he realised that he didn't need, or want, to hear her say any more…
"I see… if you'll excuse me," he said quickly, pulling away with a sad smile, and heading towards the door, ready to flee. But he was surprised to find that she followed him, and tugged him back towards the middle of the room.
"You have to know what I was going to say," she said desperately, neither of them noticing Charlotte standing at the top of the stairs, and slowly tiptoeing backwards, unwilling to witness the scene below her. "Mia needs me now more than ever before. It's the monarchy. I mean, as Queen it's my responsibility… You know how it is."
This wasn't going as she had planned but, deep down, she knew that that this was what was going to happen. She couldn't bear looking at him, seeing the hurt, pain and even anger in his eyes and countenance… this was the worst thing she had ever had to endure (excluding the death of Phillipe), and she wanted it to end… but not before he understood why….
Joseph, meanwhile, wasn't particularly surprised at her decision, but also disappointed and angry as well… at her, for not giving them a chance; at Mia, for always needing her grandmother; at parliament and the people, for always demanding so much of Clarisse, and not giving in return… He didn't want to hear what she had to say, but he knew he had to make one thing quite clear to her.
"You were never just my Queen, Clarisse. You were the someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."
"And I…" she protested, trying to tell him that she felt the same way, and still wanted it, but she could tell he didn't want to hear it… he had had enough as he talked over her, ignoring her protests. She obviously wanted to be Queen, still, and he had to respect her wishes, even though, deep down, his conscience was telling him that it wasn't what she wanted anymore…
"But, if you prefer me to see you first and foremost as Queen, I will oblige…"
"Joseph!" She was almost in tears now, and she tried to reach out and stroke his cheek, as she had done many times before, but he visibly stiffened at her touch as he bowed formally to her, eyes on the floor.
"Your Majesty." He pulled away, unable to bear looking at her tearful face, and walked away… out the door.
She stared after him for a moment, hoping that he would come back… hoping that the anger, hurt and betrayal she saw in his eyes was only her imagination… but, as the seconds turned into minutes, she knew that he wasn't going to come back… she really had lost him.
She was dimly aware of the music still playing, and she walked over to the CD player, and firmly slammed the thing off- the last thing she needed to hear was wedding music, the happiest of all music, when she had just the only man she had ever, truly loved… the love of her life.
She looked down the table blindly for a moment, hoping that the noise she was hearing was a figment of her imagination, but she almost screamed when she realised that Charlotte was standing at the top of the stairs.
"Your Majesty, may I have Princess Mia come and join you now to look over the wedding details?" Charlotte looked expectantly at her and, for a moment, Clarisse felt nauseous at the fact that the world kept on turning, and she was expected to keep on going.
"No, I… Princess Mia doesn't need… Not now Charlotte." She started to turn away again, a headache beginning to form, but Charlotte's voice interrupted her thoughts again.
"Do you wish to be served in the dining room…?" she sounded a little uncertain as, suddenly, Clarisse snapped. All she wanted was some time to herself, to mourn over the fact that she had just lost Joseph….
"NO! I just want one second for myself!" she practically shouted at Charlotte, before instantly realising what she had done, and turned back to Charlotte with an apologetic look.
"Charlotte, I'm sorry… I'll get something from the kitchen later."
However, she was surprised to see Charlotte looking at her, but with compassion and understanding on her face.
"I understand, Your Majesty." Clarisse stared at her, stunned, before realising that Charlotte possibly understood more than she had ever realised.
"Thank you," she said softly, turning away before Charlotte could see the tears in her eyes.