Author's Note: thank you for all the kind reviews… I was actually thinking of not continuing the story, but now I'm okay again…

The song lyrics (which I felt were perfect) were from 'How Do I Live' by Trisha Yearwood

The Princess Diaries belongs to Disney and Meg Cabot

After he stormed out of the ballroom, the sound of music and Clarisse's desperate protests still ringing in his ears, Joseph stopped a few metres away on the balcony, and leant against the wall for a moment. He half hoped that Clarisse would follow him out here, and tell him that she had changed her mind… for a second, he thought she was going to as he saw her shadow step towards the doorway, but he was disappointed to find that she was only shutting the CD player off, rather abruptly, but making no move to walk outside. Disappointment welling in his chest with the anger and pain, when he heard Charlotte's voice, he silently walked off, heading towards the garden…

He stopped before he actually stepped onto the well manicured lawns- this was Clarisse's territory and, at the moment, he was in no mood to be anywhere near her, or anywhere near the things she loved, even though there were so many memories wrapped up in the garden… their talks, their jokes, their laughter…even their first kiss….

He gazed down at the silhouette of the pagoda, clear in the moonlight, and he remembered that that was where this had all started, two weeks previously. He sat down on the stairs for a moment, and looked back at the palace, aglow with lights. Somewhere in there Clarisse, the love of his life, was going about her business with possibly no thought as to the pain she had just inflicted on him…

No, he told himself sternly, that was not like the Clarisse he knew- just seeing her expression of pain told him that she hated her decision just as much as he did… Still, why did she have to put everyone else before them? Mia he understood- in fact, he would have questioned her if she hadn't put Mia first, but parliament, and the people… everyone except him!

He looked around him for a moment, and realised that he couldn't even bear to be in this place at the moment, but he also didn't want anyone to see the depth of his despair… Maybe he should go for a drive… but where?

"Evening, Joe," the night person in the garage called from his office as Joe entered from a side entrance, and Joe smiled briefly in his direction as he snatched a set of keys off the wall and stepped towards his favourite car… the car he had used to take Clarisse to his favourite spot, he thought with a pang, before shaking his head sternly. It was over, Clarisse had made her decision, and there was no point in thinking about her anymore… but it was going to be so hard, he thought to himself as he drove out of the palace gates and headed north, as he had worked closely with her for the past 20 something years, and there were so many memories that they had shared… But, he was going to have to make the effort, even if it meant a completely fresh start….

0000000000

An hour later, he arrived at his special spot, momentarily surprised that he hadn't been caught by the police for speeding, but knew that he was driving one of the palace cars, and they wouldn't pull them over. In addition, he realised that it usually only took him an hour to get there, it was only because Clarisse had been in the car that he had driven so carefully… She would have laughed if he had told her that…

He stared blindly out into the inky darkness as he stood at the railing, the sea somewhere out there, and took several deep breaths in… It was time to consider what had happened back at the palace… She had turned him down, that was for sure but, to his surprise, he felt guilty that he hadn't given her the chance to explain… she was clearly trying to tell him her reasons, but he wouldn't let her… he hadn't wanted to hear why, yet again, they had to come second (or third, in this instance) - all he had heard was that she didn't want to marry him… Yet, was that really the truth?

Thinking back, he remembered the obvious look of pain in her eyes when she had reluctantly looked at him, and he knew that she regretted it… but he angrily shook his head- she would have to learn to live with her regrets, as she had done for so many years, and he would have to learn to live without her… But how he could he, he thought bitterly to himself, when there were so many memories of them together…..

"Joseph?" came her clear voice as they sat in her study- she was working at her desk, and he was waiting for her to finish before he escorted her down to her parliament session. He generally waited outside for her, but she had asked him to sit down while she finished her work.

"Yes, Your Majesty?" he said in a teasing voice, and laughed loudly when she shot him a sharp look- he knew she hated it when he called her by her title, particularly when they were alone, but he couldn't resist it.

"When are you going to take me out to that place again?" she looked at him expectantly over her glasses for a moment before turning back to her paperwork.

"What place are you talking about?" he asked gently, knowing very well what she was talking about, but teasing her again. She looked up, slightly indignant, but then smiled when she realised that he was teasing her…

"You know very well what spot I'm talking about… we never stop there on our way to the beach, so I was wondering if you were secretly planning on taking me out there soon?"


"If you think I'm going to go through all that again, you're crazy!" he said calmly before they both laughed as they remembered the previous time… the police had been called…

"Alright… but don't forget that it wasn't my idea!" Clarisse protested, and Joe laughed.

"I was wondering when you would try and disassociate yourself with the idea! Yes, I'll admit that it wasn't one of my greatest ideas, but you did enjoy it, didn't you?"

"Yes I did… that's why I'm asking when you're going to take me out there again?"

"You'll just have to wait and see… I'm not willing to get arrested for a second attempt, and I know that the police won't melt so easily under your charm as they did before… Who knows, maybe I'll get sent to jail!"

"If they arrest you, Joseph, they'll have to take me with you," Clarisse said firmly, and Joe had to laugh at the mental image.

"That would look good in the papers- both the Queen and her Head of Security in jail!"


"It would give parliament something to talk about- their Queen being led astray by her Head of Security!" Clarisse sat back in her chair and yelped with laughter.

"Excuse me?" Joe pretended to look offended. "I don't think it would be that way… you suggested the second trip, so it would be on your head!"


"So you would dob me in?" she looked at him winningly, and Joe only chuckled.

"Tempting as that sounds… you know I couldn't do that to you… Alright, I may take you again soon, but only if you let a few people know where we're going… including your loyal assistant!"

"Deal!" Clarisse beamed happily at him, before turning back to her work.

Joe couldn't help but smile at the thought of the conversation- they had been obviously flirting and thoroughly enjoying it, and he still found the image of the Queen following her Head of Security to jail funny. That was another of Clarisse's qualities that everyone else seemed to miss- she had a very good sense of humour, as well as the fact that she was extremely loyal and devoted to those she cared about… well, at least he had thought so until that evening…

He sighed heavily and realised that he couldn't stay there all night- he was supposed to be on duty that night, but he had swapped with Scott thinking that he might not have wanted to work that night… but now he could.

As he stood at the railing for a moment, still unable to believe that Clarisse had turned him down, he could have almost wept at the fact that he would never be married to the one woman he had always loved, and who loved him in return…

It showed in the looks she gave him- the way her eyes looked up when he came into the room… the way her blue eyes sparkled with pleasure whenever she saw him… the way her eyes always stayed on him, even when there were others present… it was no wonder that people were talking… but the way she had looked at him made him feel fearless- she loved him, and that was all that mattered!

He started the car and, as he drove back in the direction of Pyrus, he switched the car radio on (having travelled up in silence), and was surprised to hear the song that was playing… it was a song that wasn't particularly comforting at the moment, but it seemed to capture his feelings perfectly….

"How do I get through one night without you?

If I had to live without you,

What kind of life would that be?

Oh and I, I need you in my arms,

Need you to hold…

You're my world, my heart, my soul

If you ever leave

Baby, you would take everything good in my life

And tell me now…

000

How do I live without you?

I want to know.

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I

Oh how do I live?..."

Unable to bear listening to the rest of the song, he quickly changed stations- listening to songs like that would only make him feel even more depressed… his anger had dissipated slightly, but now he had to find a way to move on and live without his Clarisse….

Joe headed straight back to the palace, and headed towards the security room, hoping that no one would be there… His heart sank when he walked in and saw Scott and Lionel playing a game of chess in front of one of the television screens.

"Everything's all quiet- the princess is in her suite, and the Queen is in her suite," Scott said quickly, but then stopped when he saw the look on Joseph's face… something must have gone terribly wrong with Her Majesty…

After a split second, he turned to Lionel.

"I don't think I'm going to need you for the rest of the evening, Lionel… why don't you have an early night? The next two days are going to be chaos?"

"Are you sure?" Lionel asked, looking from Shades to Joseph, who was pouring himself a cup of coffee, before a quick nod from Shades told him that he was dismissed. Once Lionel disappeared out the door, Scott closed the door behind him, visibly startling Joe.

"What happened?" Scott asked in a rare quiet voice, and Joe shrugged his shoulders, still intent on stirring sugar into his coffee.

"Nothing much… she said no, and that's the end of that!" but the light words contradicted the obvious pain in Joe's voice, as Scott sighed regretfully, feeling sorry for both of them.

"What reason did she give?"

"Mia… the monarchy… her responsibilities as Queen… everything she's always said before, Scott," Joe said bitterly as he sat down at the table, and slammed his coffee cup onto the table.

"It doesn't matter now, it over, and I can accept that…" he trailed off as Shades sat down opposite him and looked thoughtful.

"You know, I can't ever remember you telling me that she's used that excuse before… she's always been so happy around you… did she actually say she didn't want to marry you?"

"No… I…"Joe stuttered, and Scott had a sudden insight into what had happened earlier.

"I bet you didn't give her the chance to explain, did you?"

"So what?" Joe snarled, looking up at him angrily. "I suppose you would have stayed there and let her ramble on about her responsibilities as Queen?"

"You knew she had those responsibilities from the very beginning, Joe," Shades said quietly. "I know she would have given it all up for you, but there's a lot at stake now, Joe…"

"You told me you thought she would say yes!"

"I thought, when you first told me, that she would, but… after everything that's happened in the past few weeks… would you have really been happy for her to throw it all away, and ignore Mia, to marry you?"

"No… I wouldn't have been happy about that," Joe admitted grudgingly.

"She didn't say no, Joe. She was trying to tell you that she had to make sure that Mia was going to be alright… In my books, that is definitely not a no!"

"It sounded like it to me!"

"You didn't give her the chance to explain, Joe, so you don't know what else she was going to say!"

Scott was getting rather sick of repeating himself, but he knew that Joe had to lash out at someone, and he much preferred that it was him, rather than the rest of the staff.

"Since you seem to be the expert on Clarisse, Scott, what do you think she would have said?"

"Joe, you're crazy about her and, from what I've seen, she's crazy about you… this would not have been a particularly easy decision for her… I think she was trying to tell you that she couldn't accept your proposal, not at that particular moment, but that she still wants to marry you… She won't be Queen for too much longer…."

"Why couldn't she have put us first, for once?" Joe was well aware of the fact that he was complaining about something that couldn't be changed, but he was angry, and hurt….

"Joe, she's still Queen of Genovia and she still has responsibilities beyond what you and I could ever imagine… But, I'm going to give you some advice… don't give up on her, or your chance at happiness… You two are a perfect match, and I don't want to see you giving up the best thing that's ever happened to you…"

Joe sighed- he knew that Scott was making a lot of sense, and he would realise it sooner or later, but at the moment he was too hurt and confused to listen, understand or care about what Clarisse was thinking… He was devastated…

Scott watched him for a moment, and understood that it was too soon to try and convince him not to give up on her…

"Joe, I think you need to have a drink… now, where did I see Paul hide that bottle?" he muttered to himself as he stood up and scanned the security room, and Joe had to laugh wearily. Scott was right- he did need to have something strong….

Half an hour, and two drinks later, Joe managed to slip away from Scott and walked slowly towards his room. He was desperately trying not to think of Clarisse in her suite, a floor or so above from him.

For a moment, he was tempted to walk to her suite, and stand outside her closed doors for a moment, imagining her inside… he had done it a few times in the past… but he shook his head regretfully. There wasn't any point trying to revive old dreams….

He didn't turn on any lights as he walked into his room, closing the door behind him, before heading straight to his double bed, sitting down heavily on it. He looked around for a moment- it was a little ridiculous to expect Clarisse, who was used to the finer things in life, to live in a tiny room such as this, he thought bitterly to himself….

He shifted slightly, aware of his walled digging into his back, and pulled it out. On a whim, he opened it up, and just as quickly wished he hadn't as he came fact to face with the photograph of Clarisse sitting in the first clear window… He smiled slightly at her beaming face smiling out at him- he had asked whether he could take one of her in the garden, and her expression was priceless…

"Why on earth would you want to have a photograph of me, Joseph? You see me every day!" Clarisse looked at him quizzically after he had asked her, and he reddened slightly.

"I would just like to have one of you, that's all."

"If I were you, I would be thoroughly sick of seeing me every day… I'm sick of seeing myself on the covers of newspapers!"

"I could never get sick of seeing you every day!"

"You are very sweet, Joseph," Clarisse said with a gentler smile, brushing his cheek with her hand. "But now…?" I'm not sure about that… I don't look that…" she waved her hands down her outfit, and Joe only smiled. "I know! Why don't I request one of my posed photographs- you know, one from one of the balls, when I'm all dressed up and…"

"No, thank you… I would much prefer a picture of you now… to me, this when you look your best- you're not restricted by your clothing (or protocol), your hair is slightly mussed from the wind… but you look happy… You love being in your garden, and that's how I like seeing you."

"I'm not going to be able to convince you otherwise, am I?" Clarisse looked at him with an amused smile, her head cocked to one side, and Joseph laughed and shook his head. "Alright," she pretended to sigh heavily, and looked around her. "Where would you like me to stand?"


"Maybe you could stand near one of your rose bushes?" Joe said quietly, as he hastily pulled his camera out of his pocket. He was still shocked that he had asked for a picture, and even more stunned that she had agreed to it.

"Alright… and what do you think of this as a pose?" she teased as she posed outrageously, and Joe laughed out loud.

"Just be yourself!" he mock scolded her, and she laughed as she relaxed again.

"I really don't like having photographs taken…" she complained loudly before she gave him one of her most genuine smiles, and Joe quickly took the picture.

"There… are you satisfied now?" Clarisse teased as she relaxed, and Joe smiled as he offered her his arm, and she accepted it- they were a long way away from the palace (and the intrusive cameras), and it showed in the way Clarisse relaxed around him.

"Yes, I am," he said as he shoved his camera away.

"You'll have to show me that picture when you get it developed!"


"Why? So you can rip it up?" he teased, and she chuckled.

"No, although that is tempting… I'm just interested to see how different I look when I'm ot posed, and dressed to kill!"


"I can tell you that you look beautiful either way… but I much prefer you like this," Joe said shyly, and looked away quickly as Clarisse looked his way, surprised, but Clarisse gently pulled his face back towards hers.

"You prefer me like this?"


"Of course… this is closer to the real you than the rest of that nonsense!"

"Thank you… I much prefer the way I am now, rather than with the rest of that 'nonsense' as you call it… it's so boring and fake, and I can't bear anymore of it…"


"You've never seemed fake to me, Clarisse."

"That's because you've seen the real me… no one else has…"

Joe sighed as he tossed his wallet onto the dressing table, the photo still in it's special pocket, and quickly changed into his pyjamas before climbing into bed… He was suddenly very tired, which was a surprise he hadn't done that all much during the day, as Clarisse had been in meetings, but the events of the past few hours had drained him of all emotion and feeling… but even as he lay there in the dark, he found that although he was tired, he wasn't sleepy…

He suddenly remembered the last time he had felt like this- when Phillipe had been killed, and he had been with Clarisse for most of the week leading up to the funeral… it had been an honour and a privilege to witness her pain and devastation, but it had torn up him as well- not only at the senseless death of a young man in his prime, ready to be King, and who had been a nice guy with whom he watched basketball (and football) games with, but also seeing Clarisse's total and utter despair at his loss… She had been upset at the death of her husband, but that grief was only minor compared to the pain he had witnessed with the death of Phillipe… He could even remember accompanying her to the hospital…

He shook his head regretfully… she had suffered so much in the past ten years- the abdication of Pierre, the illness and death of her husband, and then the death of her adored younger son, and he felt sorry for her… But she had turned down the chance of happiness with him, and now they both had to live with the decision…

Only, he thought sadly, he didn't think he could continue living in the same place as her, knowing what had happened between them (including her turning him down). He had already considered retirement after she stepped down, particularly as his knees were paining him a great deal, but now his decision was accelerated by the fact that he had to move on with his life… He had been looking forward to his retirement, hoping that he would be able to enjoy it with Clarisse, but now….

He sighed heavily as he realised that he had to pen a letter explaining his decision to her… he was in no mood to, of course, but he knew that it was the right thing to do… he didn't feel like quitting the next day, just before Mia's wedding (that would create only more gossip around the palace), but as soon as she was crowned, his resignation would be effective as of the day after… He was supposed to give at least a month's notice, but seeing that he was the senior head, and Scott had been working diligently at his side for the past three or four years, he knew that it could be waived… But first, before he began planning for beyond the palace, he had to write the letter….

"Your Majesty (how he longed to call her Clarisse, especially after everything that had happened between them, but he also knew it would be better to stay cool and professional)

It has been a great honour and privilege to work for you for the past 30 or so years. I have learnt a great deal, seen a great deal more of the world that I had ever imagined, and met people that I never thought I would meet.

However, my doctor insists that I retire permanently from active service, on account of my knees, and I feel that it is a decision that I cannot ignore. I will continue working in an advisory capacity to the new Head of Security, and I am willing to continue training young men.

It has been a privilege and honour working for you, Your Majesty, and I will never forget the experiences.

Yours faithfully

Joseph Bonnell"

"You're WHAT?" Scott said loudly the next morning, almost dropping his cup of coffee in shock, when Joseph told him of his decision. "Why on earth are you doing that for?"

"Because I think it's time for me to go- my knees are still paining me greatly," Joe said calmly, thankful that no one else was in the room as Shades looked at him shrewdly.

"You've never complained about them before... in fact, you've been doing things that would have put even more pressure on them then… this is about what happened last night, isn't it?"

"Yes… I can't keep working here, with her around, and not pretend that nothing has happened between us… As soon as Mia's crowned, I'm leaving," Joe said, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"But Joe… the Princess is going to need you around in the first few months to…."

"Don't you mean you're going to need me around to help?" Joe said with a grin, not at all surprised that Scott was shocked by his decision.

"Alright, there's that too, but is this….

"Scott, I've made my decision, and that's final. I've spent too many years pretending, and I've had enough."

"When are you going to tell her- and what are you going to tell her?"

"I'm not telling her- I've written a letter, and I'm giving it to you to pass on to her," he handed Scott a plain coloured envelope from his coat pocket, and Scott looked at it for a moment, before looking back at Joseph. He really must be hurt and angry to make such an impulsive decision, and write a letter to the woman he loved, instead of telling her himself.

"You don't have to give it to her now… just as soon as the wedding's finished… I know that the coronation plans are almost complete, and she'll be getting ready to step down…

"I don't know, Joe…" Scott said uneasily, before nodding silently. Joe may think that he was going to give this to the Queen, but he had no intention of… these two were clearly meant to be together, and he was going to find a way to push them back together!