Author's Note: this chapter was almost as difficult to write as the other one, but it's all good! Thanks to everyone for their reviews- this chapter is for you!

The Song lyrics are from 'How Do I Live' by Trisha Yearwood

The Princess Diaries belongs to Meg Cabot and Disney

For a moment after she shouted at Charlotte, Clarisse felt the world spin around her, and she honestly thought that she was going to faint as she held onto the table for support, but the feeling passed.

Trying to ignore the pain in her heart, and the tears she was fighting back, she took a deep breath and turned back to Charlotte, who was standing at the top of the stairs, looking sympathetic.

"I think the orchestral music for the wedding reception is lovely, Charlotte… was Princess Mia planning on having a DJ, as she said she would?"

"I think so, Your Majesty… I have one booked," Charlotte said as she wrote quickly onto her notepad before looking at Clarisse again expectantly.

"What about the place settings for the tables, Your Majesty?"

"Oh!" Clarisse looked at the different settings for a moment, remembering that she had been looking at each of them before….

"They all look fine, Charlotte… whatever the Princess wants is fine with me."

She was trying, with great difficulty, to keep her mind on the task at hand but it was so hard… She looked out the doors that led out onto the balcony, the ones that Joseph had just walked out of, and wondered whether he was still out there, listening….

"Alright, I'll go and talk to the Princess then…" Charlotte lingered for a moment, watching Clarisse intently. If what she had happened to accidentally witness a few moments before was what she suspected, Clarisse would be in no condition to consult with the princess that evening… and the snapping was completely understandable.

Clarisse, still gazing out of the doors, realised that Charlotte was still standing there, waiting for further instructions, and she turned and looked up at her with a slight smile.

"Thank you, Charlotte… I'll be in my study or the kitchen if anyone needs me…."

The sound of Charlotte's heels fading down the hallway told Clarisse that she was finally alone, and she now had to consider what had just happened between herself and Joseph… The thought of Joseph made tears well up in her eyes, and she realised that she couldn't think properly in the ballroom, where it happened, so she quickly ascended the stairs (half knowing what she was doing) and hastened towards the privacy of her suite, the tears still threatening to spill.

She quickly walked into her suite, and was only vaguely aware of the doors closing behind her as she leant against the wall before walking over and sinking onto the couch, anguish and disappointment welling in her. There was still a sense of unreality and disbelief about her decision, hence she couldn't cry, but she knew how she felt deep down.

She was literally heartbroken over the choice she had made- just seeing Joseph's face had made her feel even guiltier, and the heartbreak even worse... He had looked so hurt and disappointed, not to mention angry, which made her feel ashamed. He had never hurt her over the years, or made her angry (he had infuriated her on several occasions, she thought dryly) - in fact, he was the only person who hadn't hurt her, and after all those years of support and love, she had shown her gratitude by turning around and breaking his heart…

She gripped her knees tightly as she sat there, and realised that she had done the wrong thing- her decision had cost her the love of her life…

"Why must I always consider my responsibilities before anything else in my life?" she asked herself softly, looking up and her eyes instantly met the portrait of her hanging over the fireplace. She had always liked that portrait- done twenty years earlier- but, looking closer at it, there was something (or a few details) that she hadn't noticed before…. She may have been smiling for the artist, but it wasn't one of the happy smiles she gave Joseph or Mia so often… it was a cool smile, but the overriding emotion was unhappiness…

Looking even closer, her stature was stiff and proud, but not revealing very much about her and her eyes… her eyes were the worst… they showed how lonely and unhappy she really was….

She sighed heavily and looked around the room, while still sitting on the floor- it was one of her favourite places in the world, after her garden but, at the moment, it made her feel nauseous… What use was it living in opulence and grandeur, the world at your feet, when you didn't have the man you loved at your side? She had never really cared about most of the material possessions in the room, but now… it made her almost sick to think of living in this opulence for the rest of her life, almost like a prison, when she had just lost the love of her life.

Joseph had never seemed to notice his surroundings (or even be fazed by them), and Clarisse was relieved to find that they shared the same, very simple tastes… not that it would help remembering that at the moment. She stood up and headed towards her bedroom and, sitting down heavily on the side of the bed, she opened one of her cabinet drawers to pick up the photograph of Joseph she kept hidden there… He had never realised she had it, and her heart thumped faster as she looked at the photograph, despite her unhappiness… He always took such great photos (no matter what he said), and his brown eyes and slightly cheeky smile were the first things she had noticed about him… she could gaze at him (and this photograph) all day… His features were what she had really noticed about him, and what had made her fall in love with him…

It had taken a long time for them to admit their feelings for each other, but knowing that the chemistry between was a lot more than friendship, it had been a huge relief when they had admitted their feelings were not friendship, but love… Her most precious memory was of the time when Joseph first told her he loved her….

It was a cool autumn day when they were wandering in the garden- Clarisse, for once, had the afternoon off, and she was rejoicing over the fact that she was able to spend her afternoon in her beloved garden, Joseph at her side. Joe, however, kept looking up at the looming dark clouds with some apprehension.

"What are you looking so worried about, Joseph?" she asked teasingly when she spotted him glancing at the sky for the fourth or fifth time within ten minutes.

"I was just wondering how long it's going to be before the rain arrives… and, judging by the clouds, it shouldn't be too far away!"
"Are you afraid of getting wet, Joseph?" she teased gently. "Are you afraid that you will melt if you get rained upon?"

"No… I'm only thinking that you might not like to get drenched, that's all," Joe laughed easily, and Clarisse only shrugged her shoulders carelessly.

"Oh well… it's only a little bit of rain, that's all! So, how long you do you think we have until the downpour?"


"About ten minutes- if not less," Joe said as he looked at the sky again.

Sure enough, less than ten minutes later, the first drops of rain gave them the warning that they should get inside, before the rain began bucketing down, startling both of them by the intensity and quickness of the shower.

"Aaaah!" Clarisse squealed in surprise before running towards the palace, Joseph hot on her heels.

"What are you doing? Aren't we supposed to be actually going through a door?" he shouted over the rain as they huddled underneath the narrow gutter, and she smiled at him before pressing something behind her, which revealed a door in front of them.

"We are supposed to do that, but I really don't want my staff seeing me soaking wet," she said calmly as she closed the door behind him, encompassing the narrow tunnel in darkness. "Just follow me, and you'll see where we're going."


Joe followed closely behind her in the darkness, literally not knowing where he was, but the warm pressure of her hand in his reassured him, before she suddenly stopped and he almost crashed into her. Clarisse smiled to herself- she liked having a slight edge on Joseph, but she liked it even more that he was standing so close to her!

"Here we are!" she said triumphantly, opening yet another door, and Joe found himself stepping into her suite. She chuckled delightedly at his expression of shock. "I suppose I really surprised you, didn't I?"

"Yes," he said honestly. "I always knew there were plenty of secret tunnels around the place, but I never realised that you had one of your own!"

"Oh yes… how on earth do you think I managed to get out of the palace without you seeing me that time? I even have a secret tunnel in my study… and the boys loved it! Anyway, let me go and find some towels to dry off…"

"I'm glad to see that your maids have already had your fire lit!" Joe called as she disappeared into her bedroom, and he wandered over towards the crackling fire, shedding his wet leather jacket as he went.

"Yes… I'm glad about that…"Clarisse's voice came drifting back through the suite, and Joe nodded.

"I wish I had a fireplace in my room," he said enviously.

"Don't you have one?"

"No, it's a very small room, and it would be rather useless as I have no chimney," he said teasingly as she came back into the room, a pile of towels in her hand, and handed him several of them to him before walking over to stand in front of the fire.

She herself had changed her clothes, and he watched her for a moment as he absentmindedly dried himself off. She was still as stunning wet, and he was fascinated by how much lovelier she looked when she was rid of her makeup and formal clothes… That was the way he liked her, always had… in fact her less formal self was the woman he had fallen in love with…

"I love you," he said suddenly and Clarisse, who was fluffing her hair out, looked over at him, shocked. Joseph silently cursed his impetuosity, and sincerely hoped that it hadn't sounded too forward, but he had been wanting to tell her that for a long, long time…

Clarisse, meanwhile, was stunned at his sudden pronouncement- he had always been so gentlemanly like but reserved… she had often wondered whether her feelings for him were one sided… Sure, they had shared several wonderful kisses in the past, and she loved the way he made her feel so safe, no matter where they were, but she had wondered whether her loneliness and unhappiness had made her fall for him… She was in love with him, there was no doubt about that, but she had long since accepted that he mightn't feel the same way.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Joe said apologetically as Clarisse continued looking stunned, before she smiled broadly and walked towards him.

"You love me?" she said in a soft voice, her eyes glimmering with tears, and he nodded bashfully. "You know, no one has ever just come out and told me that… ever," she said sadly, thinking back on her relationships with her parents and Rupert. It was assumed that her parents had loved her, but she knew the truth about Rupert- he was fond of her, but it wasn't love.

"Well I do… I love you no matter what you wear, no matter what mood you're in, and no matter what you say… I love you from the top of your head to the fancy shoes you always wear," he said, gaining courage as he went, telling her what he had always dreamed of telling her.

"Thank you… I…I…" Clarisse stuttered as she stopped in front of him, tears spilling down her cheeks. She was almost overwhelmed by the joy she was feeling at that moment- he really loved her!

"I love you too… very, very much," she said softly, and Joe only smiled as he took her into his arms and looked at the face he knew so very well. "I've… I've never felt the way I do when I'm around you…" she trailed off, looking down for a moment, but he cupped her chin his hand and looked intensely into her blue eyes.

"You deserve to be loved so much more than most people around here… you have given so much to Genovia, and…" he stopped, realising that he wanted to promise her that he would one day make her happy, but at the moment, it was only a dream… Clarisse smiled, sensing that he was going to say something more, but couldn't…

"Thank you… you're the one person who really understands me…"

Clarisse took a shaky deep breath in, but still the tears wouldn't come… it was if she really was made of ice, but she knew that that was far from true… she felt far too much at the moment, and she wished desperately that the tears would come so that she could assuage (if only a little) the intense heartache she was feeling! Joseph had seen so many of her tears, and had never told a soul about them… not only he had been her loyal and dedicated Head of Security, but he had been a secret keeper, never telling a soul about what happened between the two of them…

She sighed again, and then realised that she was hungry- she had skipped dinner on the chance she might have collided with Joseph earlier than planned, as well as the fact she didn't feel like talking to anyone… but now that she knew that the kitchen would be empty, and she needed to eat, even if she wasn't at all hungry….

She changed into her pyjamas and dressing gown, not caring that people would see her in her bedroom attire, and after grabbing a book she had been intending to read for a while, she headed out of her suite. As she passed by Mia's suite, she was slightly surprised to hear nothing from inside, but that was understandable- Mia was trying to prepare for the 'wedding of the year' in two days time, as well as her coronation. She felt sympathetic to Mia, all the pressure was on her at the moment to be both the perfect bride and the perfect Queen, and Clarisse knew all too well that the pressure was sometimes all too much…

Thankfully the kitchen was empty when she entered it, but she didn't feel like cooking anything too substantial… it was rather childish, but all she really wanted was a plate of the chef's delicious chocolate chip cookies which she knew he had baked that afternoon) and a glass of milk... She was secretly hoping that Joseph would show up, as he always did when he suspected that she was there, but as the time slowly dragged by, she realised that he wouldn't come, possibly suspecting that she would be here… The book lay open on the table before her, but she wasn't reading it… she couldn't help but continue to dwell on what had happened before….

It had been so dreadful- she had suspected that Joseph wouldn't take it well, knowing that he had put his heart on the line for her, but she hadn't realised how much so when he walked out on her, without listening to what she had to say. She knew he had been hurt and angry to not listen to what she had to say… She now almost felt as bad as when Phillipe had been killed, but, at least on that occasion, Joseph had been at her side all that week…. He had even accompanied her to the hospital, for which she would always be grateful…

Most of the memories of that day were blurred, but Clarisse could still remember that she had been feeling rather apprehensive all afternoon, and the feelings only intensified when Joseph walked quietly into the room looking unusually sober, and even slightly ashen, as she rose slowly from her chair.

"Clarisse, I need to talk to you…" he began softly as Clarisse almost instinctively turned away from him and headed towards the window. She didn't want to hear it- it was probably about some crisis in parliament, and she didn't need to know. The touch of his hand as it enclosed hers stopped her in her tracks, and she turned to look at him, fear in her eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly as he led her towards the couch, and sat down next to her, his hand still holding hers.

"It's about Phillipe," he began, wondering how he was going to tell her the news.

"What about Phillipe?" she looked at him with a sweet smile, and it broke Joseph's heart to look into the innocent blue eyes he loved so much, and find the words to tell her that her youngest son was gone.

"Clarisse… darling… there was a serious car accident on the way back from the beach house this afternoon and Phillipe… Phillipe was killed…"


Clarisse stared disbelievingly at him for a moment, her face slowly draining of all colour.

"Clarisse, I…" he continued, but the rest of the words were drowned out as Clarisse continued to stare at him in horror as tears welled in her eyes, before she slowly stood up, as if in a dream, and walked towards the window to stare blankly out onto her garden… Her son, her beloved Phillipe was gone, and her life would never be the same again…

"Where is he… now?" she managed to ask hoarsely as Joe joined her at the window.

"He's at the hospital, but I don't think…" he stopped when she glared at him icily.

"I would like to go there… can you arrange a car for me?"

"Of course," he bowed to her, and Clarisse blindly reached out for his hand for a moment.

"Will you be accompanying me?" she asked softly, and he nodded.

"I wouldn't be anywhere else, Clarisse," he said before hastening out of the room to make the arrangements.

000000

The press, predictably, was already at the hospital when the royal car arrived, but they maintained a respectful silence and distance as the Queen made her way into the hospital. Joseph waited patiently outside the room she was led to and he was shocked at her appearance when she finally emerged- the shock of seeing her son had aged her within half an hour. She looked at him for a moment- she never wanted to see anything like that again…

"Let's go, Joseph," was all she said in a quiet voice, and he guided her back to where the car was waiting, at the back entrance. She looked down at the ground as she stepped into the car, but looked up when he made a move to close the door.

"Please sit with me in the back, Joseph," she said softly, and Joe nodded, quickly making his way to the other side of the car.

There was silence in the backseat as the car slowly pulled away from the hospital, and Clarisse silently pressed the button that raised the partition between the front and back seats, while still looking down at her shoes. Joseph watched her worriedly for a moment and Clarisse quickly realised that as she looked over at him through her muddled thoughts… at this point in time, he was the only one she could really rely…

"It was as if…" she began before stopping, biting her lip hard as she tried to rid her mind of the image she had left behind in the hospital… But she knew that she would never forget it, not matter what she tried…

"Oh Joseph…" she tried again before the tears that had been threatening began spilling onto her cheeks. Joseph immediately slid over and wrapped his arms around her as she collapsed onto his chest, sobbing her heart out.

"It's going to be alright… I'll be with you every step of the way… you're not going to go through this alone…" he kept murmuring into her hair as she cried, and she took some comfort from his words.

She had never felt as lost as she did at this moment, and thank goodness Joseph was there as she clung to him like a life raft.

She didn't realise how long she had been crying but she soon realised that it had been a while as they felt the limousine pull to a stop outside the palace. She looked up at him with a tear stained face, not wanting people to see her like this, and Joe read her thoughts.

"Steve!" he called into the front seat, opening the partition a little so he could hear him. "Could you do me a favour and drive down to the garage for us?"


"No worries Joe," came Steve's voice, and Joe quickly pressed the button to divide them again as Clarisse smiled gratefully at him.

"Thank you," she murmured softly, before looking at him. "Will you keep me company for a little while…? I don't think I could be alone at the moment."

"Of course I will… I'm not going to leave when you need me…"

The sound of voices distracted her from her thoughts, and she looked up to see Mia's two ladies maids standing awkwardly in the doorway, obviously surprised to see the Queen there. They were just about to turn away before Clarisse stopped them with a pleasant smile, marvelling that she was able to keep her calm equilibrium when her personal life was falling to pieces. It was lucky she was able to do that as the girls suddenly burst into song and there was a loud crash on the windows, as if a bird had crashed into it. She was more than relieved to make her escape, and walk back upstairs to her suite.

She didn't feel like reading, and she didn't want to go to bed yet… so she sat down on the couch and switched on the radio nearby… There was a song playing that seemed to suit her mood perfectly….

"…Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky,

There would be no love in my life,

There'd be no world left for me.

And I, baby, I don't know what I would do

I'd be lost if I lost you

If you ever leave

Baby, you would take everything real in my life

And tell me now

00000

How do I live without you?

I want to know

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I

Oh, how do I live?"

At the end of the chorus, the realisation that she would have to live without Joseph, now that she had made the ultimate sacrifice, made her feel even worse as, finally, the tears began to flow in earnest…

She cried quietly into her hands for a long, long time before reaching for a tissue and continuing to cry… her life really was over now, now that she had lost Joseph… How on earth would she be able to make it without him… he was the reason she had maintained a dignified silence about her husband, who had helped her through the pain of Phillipe's death, and even helped her cope with Mia's troubles… now, it was all over….

She finally calmed down enough to realise something else- although she might think it was over, it wasn't… she was going to fight for their relationship as she knew that she couldn't live without him…

She made herself a silent promise- no matter what, she would focus on Mia until she was safely married and on the throne of Genovia, and then she would consider her own life… of which Joseph was a definite and important part….

She was so busy thinking through her tears that she didn't hear her suite door open and someone come in, until there was an embarrassed cough from the doorway, and Clarisse looked up to see Charlotte standing there.

"Oh Charlotte!" she gave a start, and then began wiping her eyes again with a tissue. "I'm sorry… I'm just rather stressed about everything going on… Was there something you wanted to see me about?"

She was aware that she rambling as she looked back at Charlotte with a wan smile, and red eyes, and Charlotte wanted to cry… She had been unfortunate to witness part of the scene between Clarisse and Joe, and now to see her Queen completely and utterly heartbroken…

"Your Majesty," she began quietly, walking over to where Clarisse was staring at her hands, and sat down next to her. "What happened?"

"What do you mean 'what happened?'?" Clarisse looked surprised. "I'm just rather stressed, that's all…" but Charlotte knew she was fibbing.

"No, what happened between you and Joseph?" Charlotte asked in a calm voice, and Clarisse blushed as tears filled her eyes again.

"Nothing… we just had a little argument…" she tried to fob her assistant off, but they both knew that Charlotte saw through it.

"Clarisse…. For a moment, pretend that I'm not your personal assistant, and you're not Queen… you need a friend, and I want to help you… what happened?"

"Joseph asked me to marry him a couple of weeks ago…"

"I knew it!" Charlotte interrupted excitedly, but sobered up when Clarisse gave her a quizzical look. "I'm sorry… go on."

"Tonight was the night I decided to tell him… I couldn't marry him…"

"Why not?" Charlotte asked directly, and Clarisse looked at her in surprise again.

"In case you hadn't noticed, there is a wedding in less than three days, and a coronation in a week," she said heatedly, before softening. "I'm sorry Charlotte, you've been on the receiving end tonight, and you don't deserve it."

"It doesn't matter… but why did you turn him down? Do you love him?"

Both of them were surprised at the audacity of Charlotte's question, but Charlotte wanted to know- she had long suspected it, but she wanted confirmation. However, Clarisse didn't answer, so Charlotte tried again. "Do you love him, Clarisse?"

"Of course I do," Clarisse whimpered in a soft voice as tears began falling again. "I love him more than anything…."

"Do you want to be married to him?"

"Of course…. After Mia's wedding and coronation and it's my only wish now… But I've lost him, Charlotte… you didn't see how hurt he was when he left the ballroom, and he didn't let me explain that I still want to…"

Clarisse explained what had happened- only in the barest of details, but Charlotte soon got the gist of the conversation between them.

"Don't give up on him, Clarisse… he loves you so much, as we both know…"

"But I can't marry him while Mia still needs me… I love him, and surely he realises this!"

"If you'll forgive me for saying this, but maybe it's time you think of yourself before anyone else… even the Princess… She's going to be married in two days, and Queen in less than a week, and then you have the chance to get on with your life… and we both know that it has to involve Joseph…"

Charlotte stopped for a moment, Clarisse listening to every word she was saying, before she decided to say what she had been thinking for the past ten years… ever since she had begun working for the Queen….

"I hope I'm not pushing the boundaries here…."

"No, I'm deeply grateful for your advice," Clarisse smiled fondly at the young woman.

"I've… I've always wanted to tell you this… I find the relationship between the two of you absolutely wonderful, and beautiful… You are clearly mad about him, and he adores you… love like the one you two share only comes around once in a lifetime, and I've been so happy to see the way Joseph takes care of you….

I know the King wasn't all that solicitous of you, and I've been pleased to see that Joe has more than filled the gap with love… He loves you… he's just hurting at the moment, as you are, but surely you know that the two of you are meant to be together?"

"I wish you had told me that a long time ago, Charlotte," Clarisse chuckled weakly through a fresh batch of tears. "I often wondered whether you suspected anything between us."

"I realised it within a few months of being here, Clarisse, and I've enjoyed seeing it blossom even more… But, seriously, don't give up on him…. He may think that it's over, as may you, but it's isn't… But, even if he does, you and I are going to make him come back to his senses!"

Clarisse chuckled at the fierce look of determination on Charlotte's face and had to admit the truth- no matter what either of them thought, it wouldn't be over… she only had to convince Joseph of that… and she hoped that it wasn't too late….