'Why do they always make these robes so large and drafty, I mean, I know they are going for the one size fits all thing, but still, they need a smaller one.'
She sat on the table, waiting for the doctor to come in, staring at the posters on the walls, she found her eye drawn to one about the different stages of pregnancy. She hopped down off the table and went over to it, reading every piece of writing on there, fascinated by the minute changes her body would make, 'If they actually let me go through with this that is.' She was still waiting for the doctor to come in and give her a physical exam, and then after that she would be taken through within about 10 minutes to have the interview.
After they had assessed that she was physically capable, mentally healthy, and that her intentions were right, they would give her a list of possible donors. She would choose, and then that was it, assuming it worked she would be pregnant, she would have the baby inside her which she wanted so much.
She ran through different possibilities in her mind, if it would work, whether it would be a boy or a girl, what kind of donor she would choose.
Her thoughts were interrupted as someone walked in. She started as she saw Catherine enter the room. She blinked before realising that it wasn't actually Catherine. But it was a person virtually identical to her.
Her mind quickly rushed and was reminded of Debbie Marlin, she had been her own double. She quickly stopped thinking about her as that thought only brought Grissom to mind. When she had heard him talking to the doctor who had killed her. When he seemed to be speaking more of himself than of the doctor.
Sara could not help feeling that he was talking about her, he had been flirting with her for years and she was sure that he wouldn't have spoken like that if the vic hadn't looked so much like her.
She still however could not fully keep the idea that it might be someone else out of her mind. She could not keep from her mind the list of possibilities of people it could be, logically she knew that it could only be someone in work, that he only looked on Catherine as a friend, that his date with the lab tech hadn't gone well, that he wouldn't go out with Jacqui or Mandy.
But she never thought logically when it involved Grissom, she was still worried and watched carefully whenever he seemed to be close to another person in the lab. Still listened intently whenever Catherine mentioned something which could imply anything about Grissom's life outside of work.
As the doctor began speaking to her she pulled her mind back from its futile contemplations.
"Sorry, I missed that, what did you say?"
The doctor smiled sympathetically at her, understanding that her thoughts would be in turmoil and that she might be distracted.
"It's alright Miss. Sidle -"
"Sara" Sara interrupted
"Sara" the doctor amended, "I'm Doctor Wilson, but call me Cat. Now if you want to lay back and we can start this and get you out of this drafty robe as quick as possible."
Sara smiled wryly at the similarities between the names Catherine Willows, and Kat Wilson. She lay back on the table and tried to relax.
A short while later Sara sat in an unfamiliar office, in an unfamiliar chair, staring at unfamiliar walls.
She tried to keep her mind focused whilst waiting for her interviewer to come in. There were no posters on the walls to occupy her attention, nothing to draw her mind away from the futile thoughts she had driven it away from earlier.
Instead to steady her nerves, she began quoting a poem to see how much she could still remember.
She had just reached the end, and had just remembered that it had actually been Grissom who had first told her and shown her the poem she had become drawn to.
Fortunately for her it was at this point that her interviewer came into the room.
He was a man of average age, height, looks, everything.
Absolutely everything about him screamed normal, except for the smile he was wearing. A calm friendly one.
Everything about him conspired to make him seem approachable, calm and friendly.
Sara felt herself relax a little, his calm controlled presence soothing her nerves.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Mac, but please call me Doug. Do you prefer Miss. Sidle or Sara?"
"Sara please Doug."
He smiled at her again as he sat down after shaking her hand across the desk.
"Now Sara, as you probably know, this can be a very complicated process, you need to be financially secure, physically and mentally healthy and we need to be 100 sure of these facts. But you also need to be the right kind of person, we need to feel that this is what you want and that it isn't just ... a passing fancy. I've just spoken to Doctor. Wilson. Kat. And she says that physically you will be fine, that you are probably one of the healthiest people she has ever seen. And that as a bonus point, your uterus is definitely strong enough to cope with holding a baby, as is you cervix. Which reduces the risk of having a miscarriage which is extremely good both from our point of view, and from yours."
Sara shuffled slightly uncomfortably, she knew she was a scientist but discussing such private matters such as the strength of her uterus with someone she had only just met when she hadn't even known was still a bit odd for her.
Doug seeing her discomfort simply smiled knowingly and quickly looked down at his desk to some sheets he had brought in with him, and quickly changed topic.
"Also financially from what you have indicated on your forms you earn enough money to afford a place to live and not to have a bad life, but are you sure it is enough to support a child as well, they are always more expensive than people think."
"My parents left me some money in their will and its just been sat there gaining interest for years. I have enough to support a child and I am not using it for anything else. I can cope financially, I can't move into a mansion or anything." She joked nervously.
"In their will? Shall I take it your parents are ... no longer with us?" He asked delicately.
"I was raised in foster care." Sara supplied shortly, cutting off any further questions from him.
"Well then, we will need to talk to a few people who know you as well to see what you are like and if you are the kind of person this facility will want to help, and we will need the name of the foster home you were at, you can give it to the front desk on the way out, just to check that your lack of parents will not have affected you parenting skills. Now for people to call you have only listed contact numbers of colleagues." He spoke quickly in the middle with a quieter voice, until slowing down and loudening up when he reached less personal and possibly upsetting subjects.
"Yes, my work colleagues know me best, they have seen all sides of my personality both inside and outside of work, I can give you a few contacts outside of work, but I tend to mostly socialise with the people in work."
"OK, one more question, we need to speak to a superior of yours at work, but you have added an extra note saying preferably not to contact your supervisor. Are you in some kind of relationship with him? Or is there some reason we should not talk to him?"
Sara swallowed before answering, "Despite been a scientist he still has some odd ideas about people he knows, he is another one of my friends and I want to tell him when it is definite, so as not to upset him prematurely. Catherine Willows is the other superior of me who you can call who also has access to my records and actually knows me. All the other superiors do not know me personally."
She tried to suppress the fear she felt about them possibly calling Ecklie, that was why she had implied that he would not know her and that only Cath was a superior who would know her except Grissom. When she thought of this she felt a twinge in her stomach about having to lie about Grissom and why they shouldn't contact him, she just didn't want him to find out that way, or to tell him prematurely like she had said. But she knew that the real reason was that she didn't want to destroy what little hope they had left and that she still feared his disapproval, no matter what she had told herself.
"Ok Sara, I think thats about all that's needed here. Do you have any questions?"
She shook her head.
"Right then, Thank you for coming in on such short notice to see us. If you think of anything else please don't hesitate to call the facility, with general questions the reception staff should be able to help, if you wish to then feel free to ask for me about specific things, or to ask for another appointment if there is something you wish to discuss. We will call a few friends of yours and then get back to you, although personally I don't thing there should be much trouble, you seem like the kind of person who can handle this. So hopefully we will see you in a few weeks after we have spoken to others to go over the next stage of the process. So we will contact you, send you a list of donors, or email them, whichever you prefer. And then arrange to have one implanted, it can all be done in a few short weeks. Thanks for coming Sara."
He stood up and she followed suit, they shook hands again and Sara walked out of the room, to her car. And started driving back to her apartment. Thoughts still rushing through her mind including that she must warn Catherine that they would probably call her, and that she would need to ask Grissom to let Cath have her records if she asked for them. All these things registered towards the back of her mind, but the forefront of her thoughts was taken up by one continuously repeating thought.
'I can have a baby, a few weeks and then I could be pregnant. I'm going to have a baby! I'm going to be a mom!'