"I'm sure he didn't mean it Tony."
"Sounded serious to me, I was only trying to help."
Ducky went to the sideboard and poured two glasses of Scotch. He could sympathise with Tony, but there was another side to this.
It had all started over the dinner dishes of all things...
"Let me do it Ducky, it's about time I started pulling my weight round here." Tim levered himself carefully out of the chair, sudden movements were still likely to cause pain, but if he took things steady, he was okay.
Tony stood up quickly and picked up his own plate, he reached over for Tim's. "You sit down Tim, Greg worked you hard today, you must be tired."
"Why must I? You think I can lift weights in a gym, but I can't lift a plate?"
Tony put down the plate and held up his hands. "Hey, if it means so much to you, go ahead; I just don't want you to overdo things."
"How can I possibly overdo things when you won't let me do anything?" Tim winced a little, he shouldn't raise his voice, he knew that, but he was so tired of people doing everything for him, he grabbed his plate and turned toward the dishwasher.
"Now Timothy, that is hardly fair, you are doing so much more than I would have thought possible when you first came home; but Tony is right, you must take things easy for a little while longer."
"How much longer? I'm so sick of...of all this. I want to go out on my own, to take a shower without someone waiting outside in case I fall, to go shopping...I couldn't even get Christmas gifts for my friends...too tired to stay up 'til midnight on New Year's Eve. I hate it! All of it...Look at you Tony, you won't even go on a date because you think you have to spend every spare minute you have with me; well you're released from duty. You have a life Tony, go ahead and live it, just leave me alone."
"Tim..." Tony took a step forward, but Tim shook his head, turned away and stumbled to the door.
"I'm going to bed...sorry Ducky, for spoiling dinner...sorry..."
Ducky and Tony silently cleared away the dishes, Tony had wanted to follow Tim, he didn't want to leave things like this, but Ducky had stopped him and recommended they all talk again in the morning, after a good night's rest.
"Drink your whisky Tony, and don't worry; things will look better in the light of a new day. Despite what he may wish, Timothy still has a way to go before he can manage alone; but you must try to understand what all this is doing to him, not just physically. He has been entirely self-sufficient since he left high school. Try to imagine how difficult it has been for him to rely on others for every single thing...right down to using the bathroom."
Tony savoured the warming glow of the single malt and summoned up a smile. "He sure hated that; you're right Ducky, as ever. Maybe it's time I gave him a little more space."
"Perhaps Tony, let's see how things are tomorrow, shall we?"
Breathe in, hold it for a count of five; breathe out, hold it...just like Greg showed him...
"Tim! For the love of God, what are you doing out here? It's freezing." Tony had run downstairs as soon as he'd heard Tim's door open, followed by the hefty thud as the door to Ducky's small garden slammed shut.
"Just needed...air. I'm good Tony."
Tim was shaking from head to foot. "No you're not; you're not even wearing shoes, come back inside."
"I...can't...suffocating..." Tim tried a few more deep breaths, he was still too weak to pull away when Tony took his arm and led him into the warmth of the house. "Please Tony, let me be."
"Not going to happen Tim, I didn't drag you out of the water for you to freeze to death in Ducky's back yard."
"I should think not Anthony. I'll put the kettle on, take Timothy into the sitting room and get the quilt from his bed."
Tim shook his head. "No...too heavy...can't breathe..."
"There are blankets in the closet upstairs, get two – quickly Tony." Ducky sat Tim down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table."We'll make ourselves cosy right here."
Tim wrapped his arms around his chest, trying his best to control the tremors shaking his body. "I didn't mean...to wake you, or Tony...I...I think, I should go home."
"Only if I go with you Tim, someone has to stop you taking midnight strolls in sub-zero temperatures. You can't even remember shoes." Tony was smiling as he spoke, but he was worried too, what had driven Tim outside? He draped one blanket round Tim's shoulders and the other over his knees.
Tim gave a tired smile. "Thanks Tony...I'd forgotten about the cold, I just wanted air."
"Timothy, drink this, I know hot sweet tea is probably not to your taste, but it is what you need."
Very carefully Tim took the steaming mug from Ducky, his hands were still shaking, and he didn't want to spill any tea and make more mess for Ducky. He grimaced as he took a sip of the hot, sweet liquid, but it felt good as the warmth penetrated through the pervasive chill of his body. "It's good Ducky, thanks."
Ducky poured a cup for Tony and himself, minus the sugar. He pulled up a chair and sat beside Tim, a questioning look on his face. Tim took another drink, and a deep breath.
"I guess you want to know why I was out there."
"Good guess young man. You needed air you said..."
Tim nodded. "My own fault, I was so wound up when I went to bed, I am so sorry about earlier; I had no right, you've both done so much for me, you didn't deserve that."
"Perhaps not, but I think we all have things we should discuss about your future care, that's for another day...so Timothy, can you tell us what drove you from your bed?"
Tony grabbed a chair and sat so that he could look his friend in the eye. It had been too dark to get a good look at Tim outside, but in the bright lights of Ducky's kitchen he looked sicker than he had since he left the hospital. "Tim, what's wrong?"
Tim studied his mug intently. "Like I said, I couldn't sleep, tossed and turned for a while; the quilt...must have wrapped myself tight. I felt like I was suffocating, fighting for breath, and I remembered…the water..."
Tony and Ducky sat silently, this was the moment they always knew would come, but they had hoped Tim would be stronger before he had to deal with it.
"Tony was on the ground, and Byard…I thought he was going to kill T…Tony, so I ran, and he…I'd never felt pain like that, and I couldn't stop falling, down and down into the water…I knew what to do, we're prepared for this kind of thing, right? But with the handcuffs…"
He hesitated and took another sip of tea as he tried to put his jumbled recollections into coherent words.
"It was cold…I tried to breathe, I knew I had to keep breathing, but I couldn't get my face out of the water, it filled my mouth, I was choking…I tried so hard…there were rocks, cutting…then I wasn't cold…I couldn't feel…it was so quiet, no struggle, peace…until the hospital."
He raised his head and was surprised by the brightness he saw in Tony and Ducky's eyes.
"I'd forgotten…how could I forget?"
"Because you have had so much to deal with since that day; your body has been healing, your mind has been processing the pain, the changes in your life...it simply decided enough was enough."
Tim smiled weakly at Ducky. "Wish it had stayed that way."
"Do you Timothy, do you really?" Ducky waited as Tim took a few minutes to consider the question.
"Guess not, it would always be there, waiting to come out, best to get it in the open." Tim smiled a little wider. "All this because I shouted at you."
Tony leaned over and put his hand on Tim's shoulder, it was still now, the shivering had stopped at last. "I wouldn't exactly call that shouting Tim, not going to get you noticed on a Marine training ground."
"Not when Gibbs is around."
"Speaking of Jethro, he is coming to take you to physical therapy in the morning, so I suggest we all get back to bed. Do you think you can sleep now Timothy?"
"I am tired..."
"It's okay Tim, I'll get the quilt off the bed, you can use the blankets tonight."
"Thanks Tony." Tim stood up slowly. "I'll put the mugs in the dishwasher." He glanced at Tony.
"Hey, I'm not going to stop you." Tony handed over his mug and reached down to pick up the blanket that had fallen to the floor. Tim felt so bad, all Tony had done ever since Byard's attack had been for his benefit, and he'd thrown it back in Tony's face.
"I am sorry Tony; I was way out of line."
"Never apologise..."
"Sign of weakness I know, but in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not exactly punching my weight right now."
"You soon will be Tim; before you know it we'll have you back in harness."