Rachel wasn't exactly sure what Santana had said to Brittany, but it seemed to have gone over well. Every time Brittany and Santana found themselves in a moment of intimacy around Rachel, Brittany didn't shy away or check to see if Rachel was watching first before she would let herself enjoy it. She seemed less shy and more willing to just be with Santana in a way that felt natural. As far as Rachel could tell, the two of them were working out well and on a path to maybe letting their natural instincts be free to be seen outside in the world without worry. If they were happy, then Rachel was happy.
Rachel was happy for the distraction of the play for the most of the summer. Once rehearsals had started she had been pretty busy and only saw the other two when she didn't come home and pass out. It was alright, she needed some space away from that whole situation. Santana had been right, it was really messed up. Besides, the play was good practice for when Rachel would get out of this town and reach for her goal of becoming a star. She was on the right track now, she couldn't let herself get distracted.
It was drawing close to the start of school again and with the final performance of the play having come and gone the weekend before, Rachel had more time. She had been wanting to just hang out with herself, but with registration that afternoon she had run into both Santana and Brittany getting their paperwork as well and Santana had invited her over for dinner, to which Rachel's dads said it was a good idea because she had been so busy lately. Rachel had sucked it up and said she would love to. She had kind of missed her new friends. She didn't have a lot to begin with so she couldn't be pushing them away now could she?
Rachel and Brittany sat at the table now as Santana was in the kitchen cleaning up the dishes. The dinner had come and gone and the girls now focused on filling out their registrations papers, picking classes, and setting up their hopeful schedules for the next year. It was tedious but it kept Brittany and Santana from making out for the moment which Rachel was thankful for. She would never admit it, and wasn't sure it made sense, but it made her jealous to see. Maybe it was because she wanted what they had or maybe it was because she wanted what Brittany had.
"So are you and Finn still going out? Because I haven't heard you say anything about him all summer and you usually never shut up about him whether you're together or not." Brittany had broken the silence as the girls scribbled on their papers.
"Finn?" Rachel looked up at Brittany a bit confused. It had really come out of nowhere and obviously she hadn't thought about him all summer and it never occurred to her that anyone else would be thinking about him either.
"Yeah. I thought you two were working things out after Nationals."
"Oh" Rachel shook her head a little bit and looked back to her paper. She pretended to read something before she glanced up and shrugged her shoulders a little bit "Things didn't work out. We've both changed a lot, we are both doing different things in life, going different directions. We decided we work best as friends."
"Did he decide he didn't want you anymore because you were available and dumped you to chase someone else again?" Brittany asked in such a calm matter as if it were just common sense that Finn worked that way.
"No! Absolutely not. For your information it was I who ended it with him." Rachel huffed and folded her arms in front of her chest.
"Oh." Brittany shrugged and reached for her cup, taking a sip of her water.
"Why do you ask?" Rachel perked an eyebrow slightly, her arms now resting against the table as she looked across the table at the blonde.
Brittany shrugged and looked down at her paper "How do you spell Mr. Schue's name?"
"Schuester." Rachel said firmly "S-c-h-u-e-s-t-e-r. Why, are you signing up for Spanish?"
"He teaches Spanish? I thought he just talked funny in class because he didn't have a lesson plan."
Rachel's jaw dropped and she looked at the blonde with a blank stare. She shook her head and looked back down to her paper.
After a moment Brittany put her pencil down and started to flip through some more papers looking for something. "I think I am going to ask Finn out if you aren't together. He is like one of the only guys I haven't dated and since he is the quarterback and they won the championship last season he is still super popular. I've always wanted to date a super popular guy like that just to make other girls jealous."
Rachel wasn't even sure where to begin. Her head was spinning. She just stared at Brittany for a long time before she finally cleared her throat and stood up from the table quickly "I…need more water." She quickly grabbed her cup, even though it was full, and turned to head into the kitchen to where Santana was.
She stood at the doorway to the kitchen for a moment, watching Santana from behind where the Latina rinsed the last few dishes before piling them into the dishwasher. She shut it with a kick of her foot and turned around, jumping when she saw Rachel standing behind her.
"Rachel!" Santana gasped, putting a hand on her chest as she looked at her "You just scared the shit out of me." She shook her head, moving to the fridge to get a drink.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to." Rachel said quietly, her voice suddenly caught in her throat.
"It's cool" Santana laughed softly "What's up did you need something because I just put the leftovers away."
Rachel quickly shook her head.
Santana arched an eyebrow and cracked open her can of soda, her eyes pinned on Rachel curiously "Then what?"
Rachel wasn't even sure where to start. She wasn't even sure if this was any of her business or if it was crossing lines. She took a few steps toward Santana and set down her cup. She bit her lip and looked up at the girl with a deep sense of distress in her eyes.
"What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost, you are freaking me out, Rachel."
"I…" Rachel mumbled and shook her head, pushing some hair behind her ear. She glanced back to the doorway where Brittany sat in the other room at the table still before looking back at Santana. "I never asked because I honestly didn't care or want to know because whatever you said to her seemed to work. You two looked comfortable and happy and that was kind of the goal, right? But what did you say to her? I mean, about you two. About being together and everything that we talked about?"
"What do you mean?" Santana asked softly, a bit of a guilty look now on her face.
"Santana, she just told me she wants to ask Finn out when school starts because he is popular and she wants to be the girlfriend of a really popular guy to make girls jealous!"
Santana's face fell now. It was a mix of hurt, confusion, and guilt. She blinked a few times quickly and shook her head a bit "No maybe you misunderstood."
"Santana" Rachel folded her arms and shook her head "I know what I heard. She asked me if Finn and I were together and when I said no she said good because she wanted to ask him out!"
Santana glanced to the doorway to where Brittany sat in the other room. Her brows creased together before her eyes fell to her feet. She was quiet for a long time before her arms folded over her chest and she looked up at Rachel. There was a slight glossiness to her eyes but it was obvious she was trying to fight it off.
"Santana?" Rachel stepped closer to her now, reaching out her hand to touch at her arm softly "What happened?"
Santana sighed, stepping back and turning her back to Rachel. She lifted her hand to her eye and wiped a tear away before she shook her head and turned back around, trying to put her bitch face on again. "I choked. I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit there and lay my heart on the line and have her reject me again. I was so scared she would just look at me and tell me she couldn't be with me. So I told her that you and I talked about what she and I were. That we were best friends who fooled around and that you were alright with it and that she didn't have to worry about you telling anyone or judging her." She shrugged, sniffling a bit as her lip started to quiver now.
"San" Rachel said softly, her heart breaking right there as she watched the pain on Santana's face and heard it in her voice.
"I know, I shouldn't have lied but I was so afraid she would say no and I would have lost her. I couldn't do that, I couldn't handle that. I don't know how to be me without her in my life. We have grown together and learned together. She is the only other person who understands me."
"Santana are you hearing yourself?" Rachel asked softly, tears now forming in her eyes. She was watching this girl she had come to know as sweet and caring being torn apart from the inside out and it was killing her. "If she cared about you even half as much as you care for her, if she was as good a friend as you say she is, you wouldn't need her approval to be yourself. You wouldn't need her by your side all the time. You are both changing and growing into young ladies and maybe you are just starting to find two different paths and you holding onto her when she isn't interested in keeping you around in the same way is not healthy for you."
"Rachel!" Santana snapped, it sounding like more of a wail through the tears that were now streaming down her cheeks.
Rachel blinked and stepped back, fluttering her eyes to try and rid them of the tears that had taken over her vision.
Santana turned around again, shaking her head as she reached a hand out to hold herself up against the counter. She took a deep breath in, trying to calm herself down. Her heart was tight, her legs were weak, and her head hurt. She wiped her eyes but it didn't help, the tears wouldn't stop.
Rachel turned her head and wiped her eyes. Her many years of acting classes helped her pull herself together a bit more easily. She dried her tears and after a few deep breaths the only real sign that she had been crying was her red face. She looked over to Santana and let out a sigh. "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry. I'm going to go. It's obvious you two have something more important to talk about." She stared at the hunched form across the kitchen and as much as she wanted to be there for her and tell her it would be alright, at this moment, she didn't know if it would be. She knew that this was not something she could help with. Santana had to figure it out herself. "Hey San?"
Santana sniffed but that was the only recognition to Rachel's voice, her back still toward the shorter girl.
Rachel bit her lip and sighed softly, speaking in a near whisper "Please, just be honest with her. It might hurt now but it's better than drawing the pain out so long that you might never heal."
Santana's head dropped her chin even more and Rachel took that as a sign that she had heard her. She only hoped the girl would take her advice.
Rachel left the kitchen and gathered her things at the table quickly, apologizing to Brittany for bailing so early but giving no real excuse as she left the house quickly, silently praying that Santana could come out of this on the other side.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Rachel's dads had asked her how dinner had been when she got home and with just a little reassurance it had gone well and saying she still had a lot to fill out for her class schedule, Rachel had disappeared to her room without them thinking twice about it.
Rachel stared at her ceiling now. The night had passed so slowly, as if each second lasted an hour. She had tried to distract herself with her classes but it hadn't helped and she had spent the entire night wondering and worrying about Santana. She felt sick. Just the thought of Santana in pain, her heart on her sleeve, and being torn apart by her best friend made Rachel's stomach turn. Rachel was never one to want to see anyone in pain. As driven or self-centered as she could be, she also had a heart. Now more than ever she cared what happened next. This was someone she had grown to care about, to call a friend. No matter what happened, she wanted it to be alright for Santana. She deserved it.
The vibration from the phone on her bedside table made Rachel jump, jerking her from her thoughts. She quickly scrambled across the bed to the table, scooping up the phone to read the message on the screen:
Finn: What period did you sign up for Spanish? I thought we could take it together this year.
Rachel sighed and rolled her eyes, putting her phone back. Of course it wasn't Santana. Why would she confide in Rachel about whatever happened after she left?
Another vibration and Rachel sighed "Finn, not now-" She had growled as she opened the phone, but her face fell as she looked at the screen.
Santana: Can you talk?
Rachel's heart skipped a beat and her fingers flew over the buttons as she typed her reply. Of course she could talk. There was nothing else she wanted more in the world right now than to talk to Santana.
A moment later another message:
Santana: Can I come up?
Rachel looked confused as she read the message. Come up? Up where? Then it clicked and Rachel slipped off her bed and went to her window, looking down at the yard below to see a dark figure just near the tree. Rachel quickly turned and ran down the stairs to the front door so fast her feet didn't touch the ground, so it seemed. She pulled the door open and stepped outside onto the porch "Santana?" She whispered, waving her over quickly.
Santana hurried over and up the steps so she was next to Rachel. She didn't look up, her hands stuffed in her pockets, a hoodie pulled over her head.
Rachel didn't say anything. She just slid her hand through Santana's arm and started to lead her inside and up to her room quietly.
The both of them were quiet even after they were in Rachel's room and the door was closed. Rachel stood there near her door, her hands fiddling with the hem of her shirt nervously as she stared at Santana who sat hunched over on her bed. She wasn't sure what to say but she knew she had to break the silence sooner or later.
"Do you want something to drink?" Rachel finally asked after what seemed like forever.
Santana shook her head.
Rachel nodded and slowly moved away from the door and over to the bed. She wrapped her hand around her bedpost and stood near Santana. She bit her lip and gently reached her hand out, almost touching her shoulder, before pulling it back then deciding once more to touch her. Gently her hand came to rest on her shoulder now and she whispered softly "Are you alright?"
Santana shook her head but didn't pull away, much to Rachel's relief.
Rachel frowned and shifted now to sit next to Santana on the bed, her hand moving from her shoulder to her back, rubbing slowly up and down in the most comforting way she could manage hoping that it was helping at least a little bit.
The two of them sat together in silence, the only sound was the noise Santana's jacket made as Rachel's hand continued to soothe up and down over her back. She wouldn't say anything else. If Santana wanted to talk, she would. If she didn't, then Rachel would just be there for her.
At least a half an hour passed with the two of them sitting there silently before Santana suddenly looked up at Rachel. It was immediately obvious she had been crying, her eyes were red and puffy, her nose was running slightly, and her lips were down turned into a seemingly permanent frown.
"She doesn't love me" Santana finally choked out, the words breaking with her voice as she spoke.
Rachel looked up, her eyes wide, giving a little nod. She didn't say anything but made sure Santana knew she was listening.
Santana swallowed, lifting a hand to her eye now and wiping away a tear that had formed when she had spoken up. She pushed the hoodie off her head and ran her fingers through her hair. A heavy sigh left her lips and when she spoke again it was softer than before "I told her that I didn't want her to ask Finn out because I wanted her to be my girlfriend and nobody else's. She told me she couldn't be my girlfriend. She liked when we messed around and made out but that it was all for fun. She told me she loved me as a friend, that I was her best friend and she didn't ever want to lose me as a friend but she didn't want to be my girlfriend."
Rachel nodded a little bit. She suddenly felt choked up but she was trying to be strong for her friend. Her hand now stilled against Santana's back, moving it around her waist and pulling her close in a sort of sideways hug.
Santana closed her eyes and her head fell to lay against Rachel's shoulders now. Tears trickled slowly out of her eyes and her chest burned with pain. She wasn't sure she had felt this much pain in her entire life. She felt so stupid. How could she ever believed that she would end up happily ever after with Brittany? Santana turned her head and buried it against Rachel's neck, her body turning now and her arm wrapped tightly around Rachel. She broke down then and there, her sobs unable to be restrained now. She felt like she wanted to die. She felt like she had nothing left to live for, that she would be a zombie just walking through life now. Her heart was shattered and there was a hole in her chest where it used to beat.
"It's going to be alright Santana." Rachel whispered after a long time of holding onto her crying form.
Santana took in a deep breath but it didn't help and the only response she had was to grip Rachel tighter. She sure hoped it would be alright because she couldn't imagine it getting any worse than it was right now.
Rachel closed her eyes and set her head on top of Santana's. She really hoped she was right, that it would be alright one day because every sob from the girl in her arms was killing her a little more each time.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Sunlight hit Rachel's eyes as it crept through the curtains in her bedroom causing Rachel to blink a bit as her eyes opened and strained against the light of a new day. She didn't even remember falling asleep. The last thing she remembered was Santana crying on her shoulder. Wait, had that been a dream?
Rachel went to lift her hand to wipe at her eyes only to find it pinned. She looked next to her now finding Santana curled up next to her, Rachel's arm trapped below her. Judging by the fact that Santana still had on her jacket and shoes, the two girls must have drifted off in the middle of their embrace and barely moved all night. For some reason, that made Rachel smile. Not that Santana's tear would ever bring her joy, but knowing she had been there for her all night warmed her heart a little bit.
Her train of thought was broken when Santana stirred next to her. The way her hair fell over her face and the weak sunlight lit her features made her look so vulnerable and so peaceful all at once. Rachel smiled and laid her head back on the pillow not wanting to disturb the girl sleeping next to her. She would just wait until she woke up on her own.
She didn't have to wait long. Santana's eyes shot open and she quickly sat up. She looked around, her eyes still puffy, her sniffling a little as her hand lifted to wipe at her eyes. She turned to look over her shoulder and when she saw Rachel her face softened and a little bit of a relieved smile came to her lips.
"Sorry." Santana mumbled her voice still groggy from having been asleep.
"Don't be sorry" Rachel said softly, pulling her arm out from under Santana now that she had sat up. It wasn't until she moved it that she realized it was asleep. She gave a soft smile and rubbed it subtly as she looked at Santana. "Did you sleep alright?"
Santana ran her hand through her hair and sat up completely, her feet swinging off the bed now, nodding her head a little "Yeah, I guess I was tired. I didn't mean to crash here. I hope you don't get in trouble I know how your dad feels about me."
"It's fine" Rachel sat up now, her hand still rubbing her arm as feeling returned to it. "I am sure once I explain what happened they will understand."
Santana nodded, wiping her nose again before she stood from the bed. She cleared her throat and folded her arms over her chest "I guess I should go. I'm sure my parents are wondering where I am."
"You can stay for breakfast" Rachel said quickly, getting up from the bed and moving around to where Santana stood. "I am sure my dads won't mind."
"I don't want to impose" Santana said with a shake of her head.
"Don't be silly" Rachel smiled, reaching for her phone. She handed it to Santana, a chipper grin on her lips "Call your parents and tell them where you are, ask them if you can stay for breakfast. I will go tell my dads."
Before Santana could disagree, Rachel was slipping out of the door and down the steps to the kitchen to talk to her parents.
Santana sighed, looking at the phone for a moment before starting to dial. To be honest, she didn't want to go home yet. Everything in her room reminded her of Brittany. Brittany. Just the thought made Santana's heart tighten up. If it hadn't been for her mother answering just then, she was sure she would have broken down into tears again.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
"How are your eggs?" Rachel asked with a smile that had been planted on her lips since she had woken up. Her dads had wiped up a gourmet breakfast, so it seemed, with all the goodies. Even so, Santana barely had an appetite and not wanting to be rude had piled on just a single piece of toast and a little bit of eggs.
"They are great, thank you" Santana said softly, her eyes shifting to Rachel's dad who had prepared the food.
He nodded at her thanks, a warm smile on his lips at the gratitude that she showed him.
Rachel looked between Santana and her fathers before she set down her fork and folded her hands together. "Daddy, have I ever told you that Santana is quite a cook herself? She was the one that had cooked last night at dinner."
Santana looked up at Rachel, a curious look on her face. What was she getting at?
Rachel's dad looked up with a smile then glanced to the Latina next to him. It was no secret the man had trust issues since having walked in on Santana and Rachel's heated discussion at the beginning of the summer, but it seemed that he had grown on the idea of the two of them being friends and now it seemed he was interested in their new found common ground.
"She made mashed potatoes from scratch and everything, it was delicious!" Rachel added with a bubbly bounce in her seat.
Santana looked up and gave a bit of a shy nod "It's not that hard really."
That was when the offer came from Rachel's dad to teach her a few more dishes if she would like.
Santana smiled at that, her head nodding a little bit "That would be rad Mr. B." Truthfully, it would be a nice distraction from Brittany.
It seemed Rachel had the same idea because when Santana agreed, she picked her fork back up and nodded to herself before digging back into her food. It would be nice to have Santana around and hopefully it would keep her mind off other things.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Santana had made at least a weekly visit to the Berry house for the sole purpose of cooking with Rachel's dad. Of course she came over more than that, but they had set a time each week for her to come cook and she had actually been having a lot of fun with it. It wasn't necessarily the cooking, it was the fact she got to get away from her house and the memories her bedroom held.
It was the fact she could be distracted from thinking about Brittany and it was the fact she got to see Rachel more. It was nice not to have to worry if her dads worried about the two of them hanging out. She had established a real friendship with both her parents, a real trust and comfort, and that only helped bring Rachel and Santana closer together as well.
So when Santana's parents had to go out of town two weeks before school started, there was only one place she wanted to stay; with the Berrys. They were more than happy to take her in to stay with them, even offering to help finish her registration, go to the back to school night, and even help her get off to her first day of school with Rachel.
The days flew by now and whether she would admit it or not, Santana did actually like the life as an honorary Berry. She got a home cooked breakfast every morning, family time every night, and felt like a real part of their family. It wasn't to say her own parents were absent, that wasn't the case, but they worked a lot and Santana spent a lot of nights home alone. Well, except when she had Brittany. Maybe that is why they had grown as close as they had, there was nothing better to do.
It was the last weekend before school started now. Everything was set in order. They had their class schedules, they had gone shopping for new clothes together, Santana having helped spice of Rachel's look a bit in the process. The summer had been a rough one yet Santana looked forward to the new school year. It was almost like a fresh start. And aside from a few sad nights, Santana had hardly been sad since the night she had fallen asleep in Rachel's arms. In fact, the girls had never really mentioned it. Nothing had really changed because of it. They had just kind of fallen into a new found friendship. It had been fairly easy.
Rachel sat next to Santana on the floor now, her dads on the couch, they were watching their nightly family movie. Tonight it had been whatever was on HBO. Rachel honestly wasn't paying attention to it. It was something with explosions and gun fights, it definitely didn't interest her. Plus she had her mind on other things. School was starting soon, she had to start preparing potential set lists for Glee and get a little bit ahead on her studies so as not to be distracted by homework when she was trying to rehearse.
"Sweetheart, your father and I are going to bed. You girls don't stay up too late" One of her fathers spoke softly as he got off the couch, leaning over to kiss Rachel on the forehead. His words had snapped her out of her thoughts and she smiled, looking up at both men and offering them hugs and kisses each in turn. "Goodnight Santana" both men offered the Latina a hug as well, which she had taken. It had been weird at first, but Santana had grown used to it. The Berrys were just huggers.
The men disappeared and Rachel's eyes focused back on her paper. She realized she hadn't written down anything.
Santana glanced over and noticed too, laughing a little as she picked up the remote and turned the channel. "What's on your mind? You look like you've been concentrating but you haven't written anything down so that usually means you are pretending to look busy so you can think."
Rachel glanced at Santana with a half sideways look. It was scary how well the girl knew her sometimes. Setting down her pen, she shrugged and set the paper on the coffee table behind her "I don't know, actually. I was just thinking about how nice the summer had been, that's all."
"It's been a hectic summer" Santana mumbled, her eyes on the t.v. as she scrolled through channel after channel.
Rachel nodded, looking at the screen for a second before looking back at Santana. She was quiet a moment before she spoke again "It's been almost a month now. Are you alright?"
Santana's eyes stayed locked on the t.v. but it was obvious she wasn't focused anymore. Her eyes had glazed over as her brain started racing right then and there.
Rachel sighed as she sat up now, turning to face Santana. She reached out and took the remote, flipping the t.v. off. "Santana."
Santana stared at the black screen now, pulling her lip into her teeth to chew it. She knew she couldn't get around this issue, that it would come up sooner or later, and she had been hoping it would have been later. Later as in never. But Rachel Berry never let anything go.
Rachel would have usually crossed her arms and demanded Santana talk to her, but this was a sensitive subject and with them having grown closer as friends she approached it differently. "Well I only ask because you haven't talked about it and I just want to make sure that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me if you need to. I know it's hard."
"Rachel" Santana finally looked at her, lifting a hand and pushing her hair off her face before her head gave a bit of a shake "It sucks. I still hurt, but you were right, it was better for it to happen sooner than later because now I can focus on more important things."
"Like what?" Rachel asked softly.
Santana shrugged "I have no idea. The cooking as been nice. Your dads are actually really cool. It's been fun being around you, too." Her tone was genuine, sincere, and the smile that came to her lips showed Rachel just that.
Rachel smiled too, her head nodding a bit "Good. I wanted to get your mind of things."
"Somehow I knew that was all a part of your plan to distract me." Santana half smiled, a laugh escaping softly "Thanks."
Rachel shrugged "Don't mention it."
Santana climbed to her feet now, reaching her hand out to help Rachel up to her feet as well "I never knew how cool you could be."
"Me?" Rachel perked an eyebrow. Those were some words she never expected Santana to say.
"Yeah" Santana shrugged, gathering some of Rachel's things before they headed to her room. "You've been really cool about everything. You've helped me face the truth and never once said you told me so. You've let me mourn in my own time without forcing me to stop sulking and be happy again. You opened your house and family to me when I needed an escape."
Rachel shrugged, her head dipping to hide a smile and a bit of a blush that came to her cheeks as they climbed the stairs "It's nothing. You're my friend, Santana. I would do it for any of my friends."
Pushing Rachel's door open, Santana walked in and set her things down before going to her bag of things she had packed to stay over, digging out her toothbrush "I'm trying to pay you a compliment, Rach. Would you rather me call you a troll?" She smirked. She was teasing and she hoped Rachel knew that.
"Well, no." Rachel huffed, dropping her books on her desk before opening the door to her bathroom and walking in ahead of Santana to get her own toothbrush.
The two of them loaded up their toothbrushes and brushed their teeth together, a nightly ritual that they had fallen into without even thinking. They worked well together in the small bathroom and soon they were both fresh and ready for bed.
Rachel pulled back the blankets on her side of the bed as Santana put away her toothbrush and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. Neither of them had to speak, they both just knew the others nightly routine and soon enough they were both settled in Rachel's bed. Santana had a hand under her head, Rachel had both hands folded neatly against her stomach. They both stared up at the ceiling as they simultaneously realized they weren't tired.
Santana glanced over at Rachel, a smile coming to her lips "You've been cool about the whole thing" She repeated before rolling to her side and propping her head up on her arm "About what happened in Cleveland and everything, I mean."
Rachel nodded, glancing over to the girl "You mean me coming out to you and then us sleeping together?"
"Well I wouldn't say we slept together, really" Santana mumbled.
Rachel rolled her eyes "Fine. Us having drunken sex in the bathroom."
"Actually, I kind of did the sexing and you kind of did the receiving of the sex."
"Oh my god, Santana, shut up!" Rachel blushed, both hands covered her face.
Santana couldn't help her laughter. Other than a few times mentioning it in passing, they hadn't really discussed what had happened at all.
"Fine. You…did me in the bathroom." Rachel mumbled through her hands.
"Yeah I did" Santana said with a smirk and a cocky little head nod "And you liked it."
"I was drunk, I don't really remember." Rachel said with a shrug, her hands dropping away as she tried to look casual but she was still blushing. She was glad they could joke about this now.
"Oh whatever. You totally liked it. That is why you jumped my bones the next morning."
Rachel opened her mouth to defend herself, but stopped. Her cheeks blushed even more. Truth was, she had no excuse. She had liked it and had wanted to give Santana a little something in return.
Santana noticed this and smirked, shrugging her shoulders a bit "It's alright to admit you liked it. I know I have skills."
Rachel rolled her eyes and lay back down to look at the ceiling "So humble." She rolled her head to the side to look at Santana, laughing softly "And what about me? Did you like it?"
Santana arched an eyebrow at the girl, her eyes looking her over a moment before she shrugged "It was hot."
"What was hot!" Rachel asked softly, biting her lip as she fought off another round of blood rushing to her cheeks.
Santana paused a moment, thinking it over before she rolled back to her back and tucked her hand under her head again "Both. The bathroom and the bed."
Rachel nodded her head slowly before laying up on her side and propping her head up on her hand. "I've never done that before."
"Obviously. I knew you were a virgin."
"No, I meant what I did to you." Rachel whispered softly.
Santana glanced over to the other girl. She had figured she had never done that considering, at least to Santana's knowledge, Rachel had never even kissed a girl. That was what Rachel had said at least. "Well you are definitely a total lesbo then because it was hot."
Rachel giggled, turning onto her stomach to hide her face in the pillow. The move had caused her to roll closer to Santana now, her side pressed to Santana's, her foot brushing the other girl's leg lightly.
Santana laughed a bit, shaking her head as she looked back to the ceiling. "Let's just say I've had worse."
Rachel lifted her head and looked at the girl, nodding a bit. She was quiet as she stared at Santana, taking in the way the soft light of the lamp lit her face up. For a moment she looked almost happy. That made Rachel's heart flutter a bit. Just the thought that she could make Santana happy made her entire body warm.
"Would you ever do it again?" Rachel asked out of nowhere, the words taking even her by surprise.
Santana slowly turned her head to look at her now, her eyes locked on Rachel as if she were trying to judge if she was serious. She caught the look on Rachel's face, the look in her eyes, and even if Rachel hadn't meant to say it, it was a serious inquiry.
Santana shrugged a little and her smile faded "To be honest, I can't even think about having sex with anyone right now."
Rachel frowned and there was an unhidden disappointment on her face.
"It's not you, Rach" Santana said quickly, her tone soft, trying to show she was genuine in her words "It's just…" She didn't know how to explain it. For the longest time Santana had no trouble having sex just to have sex. She had slept with countless guys in school and it had never meant anything. Then sex started to mean something with Brittany. It was the first time she had ever felt anything, really. It had made her happy, left her satisfied not only physically but emotionally as well. It made her feel good about herself. Once she realized that, she hadn't had sex with anyone but Brittany.
Until Rachel. That had felt good, too. In a way that nearly matched Brittany. Maybe that was why Santana had come to Rachel when everything had fallen apart with Brittany. Because she felt almost that same type of friendship or comfort in the other girl. She definitely wasn't on the same level as Brittany, she wasn't sure if anyone ever could be, but it was nice to have someone that seemed to understand and relate almost exactly like Brittany did.
"The last person I had sex with was someone I was in love with. Now I'm afraid that if I let myself do that again I will leave myself vulnerable to be hurt again." Santana finally explained the best she could. Truth was, she was kind of too sad to want sex. It wasn't just sex any longer; it was intimacy, comfort, and trust. Truthfully, she felt those things with Rachel. Slowly but surely she had grown closer to this girl and now the mention of sex meant exposing those things to Rachel and potentially losing her too? She couldn't risk it. She wanted to avoid that at all costs.
She had to figure out if what she felt with Rachel now as just because Rachel was the only thing there to fill the void of Brittany or because it was genuine. She felt sex of any time might ruin that clarity that she was searching for. And most importantly, the last thing she wanted was for Rachel to be a rebound. She had meant it, Rachel had been really cool about this whole thing and she deserved honesty from Santana in all forms.
Rachel nodded slowly. She could understand. Santana was still in the healing process. "Well it wasn't like I was asking because I want to right now or anything that would be insensitive and incredible irresponsible. I guess I was just curious as to if I made enough of an impression that you had ever thought about doing it again since it happened."
Santana smiled very softly. Rachel could be such a gentle caring soul sometimes, a side of her that Santana was growing very fond of. She shifted now, leaning across the bed to lay a kiss against Rachel's forehead before she moved back to her side. "I definitely thought about it a few times since then."
Rachel bit her lip to fight the smile that came to her features just then. That was the compliment to the highest degree from Santana Lopez, she was sure of it.
"Sweet dreams, Rach" Santana said as she reached behind her to click off the light near her head. For the first time that night Santana drifted off to sleep without thinking about Brittany once. Maybe she was getting over her or maybe she was starting to focus on other things around her, things that had been there all along that she was too blinded to see before.