The school year had started off the best yet for Rachel. She had almost expected Santana to go back to ignoring her in the hallway and acting as if the entire summer hadn't happened, but she didn't. They had ridden to school together a few times a week, Santana waved at her in the hallway, and in advanced chemistry when they were told to pick lab partners Santana had immediately scooped Rachel up.
It made life in high school so much easier. For the first time since entering the school she wasn't dreading walking from class to class or sitting alone at lunch. She had friends, people left her alone and didn't tease her, and now more than ever the Glee club was posed to make an impact and maybe even climb that social ladder in school. Things were going great
Glee club had been fairly peaceful as well. It was awkward to see Brittany and Finn sitting so close, always talking and stuff, but Rachel ignored it for the most part. Sam and Mercedes seemed to have grown closer over the summer too, which was nice, it was great to see Mercedes laughing so much. The summer seemed to have been good for Quinn, too. Not once did she glare at Rachel or even ask what Santana was thinking being nice to her. But it was only the second week of school so anything could happen.
As rehearsal came to an end that day, the group ready for the weekend, Rachel stayed behind gathering her things and saying goodbye to everyone as they left. She had told Finn she would call him later, even though she didn't want to. He had been bugging her all summer and she could ignore him but now that they were face to face every day it was harder. She really felt bad having acted like this toward anyone in her past. She might actually write them a letter to apologize...
Her train of thought was broken when Brittany approached and gave her a smile.
"Hi Rachel" Brittany said with a smile, almost a shy looking smile to be honest.
Rachel tried to put on a smile herself, but it was hard considering she knew what kind of pain she had caused Santana. But Brittany had been honest and Rachel couldn't fault her for that so she pushed the corners of her lips up and greeted her nicely "Hi Britt! What's up?"
Brittany glanced around the room to make sure they were alone. She wrapped her arms around her notebook that she held against her chest a bit tighter. It was obvious she was nervous about whatever it was that was on her mind. She waited until the door closed behind Lauren as she left, leaving just she and Rachel, and Mr. Schue in his office across the room.
"I wanted to ask you a favor" Brittany said now in a voice that was nearly a whisper.
Rachel hadn't really expected that and now her mind was racing wondering what it was she could want. She didn't have time to over think it though as Brittany continued quickly, seemingly before she lost her nerve.
"I want you to tell Finn it's okay to go out with me. He still thinks that you are going to come around and says he is waiting for you."
That was pretty much the last thing Rachel had expected. It showed as her eyes widened a bit and her mouth dropped open in a slacked shock look.
Brittany stared at her for a long time before whispering now so low that Rachel barely heard her "Did you hear me? Or were you ignoring me because you were thinking about Finn?"
"What? No!" Rachel snapped out of her shock, shaking her head quickly "I just...I wasn't expecting that. I already told you, Brittany, he and I are done. I don't want him as any more than a friend."
"I know and I told him you said that but he didn't believe me. He said that is just something I would say to trick him into sleeping with me to hurt you and he didn't want to do that. That when you finally came around he didn't want any more secrets and he knew how bad it had hurt you that he had slept with Santana-"
"Brittany" Rachel put up a hand quickly, shaking her head a little bit. She wasn't even sure why she had cut her off, she didn't know what she wanted to say, all she knew was she needed the girl to stop talking.
Brittany stared at Rachel expectantly, waiting for her to agree or disagree or something.
Rachel just held her hand up for a long time, a couple minutes actually, before finally she dropped it and shook her head "I can't do that."
"I knew you were still in love with him" Brittany said with a pout. "Now who am I going to date to be popular?"
"Are you kidding me?" Rachel narrowed her eyes a bit. She was a patient person and had always been pleasant to Brittany because she felt bad snapping or being irritated when she just didn't get it sometimes. But there was no way the blonde was this dense.
"No. I want to date a popular guy, I told you."
"Brittany" Rachel shook her head, her anger growing now with every word she said. She was fighting the urge to storm out of the choir room like she had done so many times before.
"What?" Brittany asked softly, her shoulders lifting in a shrug. She didn't see what the big deal was.
Rachel opened her mouth to speak, then stopped, then tried again. She shook her head and dropped her hands to her hips. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself a little bit. Another shake of her head and closed her eyes to re-focus herself. It was a moment before they re-opened and focused on the blonde in front of her once more. Finally, a deep breath was taken and she spoke in the softest and calmest voice she could manage "Do you even care what Santana would think?"
Brittany shook her head a little. She seemed to shrink then and there, even sitting down in a nearby chair. Rachel had never seen her look so small. "I just thought she would be over it by now and want me happy because she is my friend and she told me all she wanted was me to be happy."
"You hurt her" Rachel snapped a little more quickly that she expected. Her defensive system was kicking in big time right now. "It's going to kill her to see you with anyone else. I know you guys talked and you explained yourself, but you haven't spoken to her since, Brittany. Do you have any idea how she is feeling now? What she went through? If you are the friend you say you are, you should have called."
"I was giving her space. She said she didn't want to see me."
"She lied. It's a defense mechanism, anyone can see that. She wants her friend back." Rachel sighed, folding her arms.
Brittany just nodded. The look on her face showed that she was processing it all. Sometimes she just needed to be told straight up without any beating around the bush to fully get it and Rachel hoped that Brittany was starting to understand a little bit.
And yet now she felt guilty. Rachel had tried so hard not to get involved, to stay away and let them figure it out. But here she was, telling Brittany everything Santana would deny. She felt bad. Santana had just started being able to hear Brittany's name or see her without crying again. She had to do something to help, she couldn't take back what she had just said now.
"Look, if you really want to date Finn I think you should talk to Santana about it first. Tell her that you aren't doing it to hurt her, that you do want to be friends and are willing to still give her space if she needs it, but you want to move on too because you do deserve it, Brittany." Rachel sat now as well, her hand reaching out to lay against Brittany's leg. "I think you owe it to her to at least warn her. Let her know it's coming and it's not a vendetta against her but that you are simply just trying to move on and be happy just like you want her to do as well."
"What's a vendetta?" Brittany asked softly.
Unlike before when Rachel would have rolled her eyes, she didn't even hesitate to start explaining to Brittany, much like Santana used to do. "It means like a personal grudge. Like you would do it on purpose just to hurt her."
"I wouldn't." Brittany said with a shake of her head.
"I know that" Rachel whispered, her hand squeezing Brittany's leg "But I don't know if Santana does. That is why I think you need to let her know, explain it to her, before you date Finn. If you do that, I will gladly convince Finn to date you. It should be easy with my approval."
Brittany nodded and looked down at where Rachel's hand was on her knee. She was quiet for a moment, deep in thought again as she processed it all. It was a minute later when she looked up and smiled, grabbing Rachel's hand and giving it a squeeze.
"I promise. I will talk to San this weekend."
Rachel nodded with the girl, giving her a real smile now. "Thank you."
"No, thank you." Brittany said now as she stood and headed for the door.
"For what?" Rachel asked softly "You have the hard job."
Brittany shook her head as she paused at the door, smiling back at Rachel "No way, you do. You're the one being there for Santana. It means a lot to me that you would do that for her during this rough time."
Rachel smiled at that, a sense of pride rushing through her and she sat up a bit straighter in her chair "My pleasure."
"I'm glad she has you." Brittany said and opened the door. She looked back and gave Rachel a wave before disappearing into the hallway.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
When Brittany had showed up at Santana's house that Saturday night it had been a shock, to say the least. Santana had wondered why Rachel didn't want to hang out that night, her excuse about something with her fathers wanting to run through the first act of Hamlet or something didn't seem quite right. She was pretty sure Rachel would have invited her over and made her sit through it, especially if it meant getting to be the center of attention. Try as she might, Rachel could never pass up an audience, even a small one. But when Brittany showed up and said Rachel had suggested they talk, Santana put the pieces together.
Santana was trying not to act cold toward her friend but it was hard. Her heart still ached. "So what's up? If Rachel sent you it must be important." It better be. If it wasn't, Santana was going to punch Rachel in the gut the next time she saw her just so she could feel the pain that Santana was feeling right now.
"Listen Santana I want you to know I still care about you and I always will." Brittany started, having rehearsed that opening line with Rachel on the phone on her way over.
"I know" Santana mumbled but truthfully she didn't know. She didn't feel very cared for at the moment.
Brittany nodded and shifted to sit on the edge of Santana's bed. She looked up at her friend, her face in a frown as she spoke "I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose and I know I already have hurt you because I said I didn't want to be your girlfriend but I was just being honest and I thought if anything, friends can be honest no matter what. I miss you as my friend and I still want to be your friend no matter what has happened or will happen between us."
Santana bit back tears. She turned her back and pretended to look at something on her shelf as if she had just noticed it was there.
Brittany felt a bit of a sting in her stomach when Santana didn't acknowledge her, but she knew she had to continue. "Part of us being friends is wanting each other to be happy, you said so yourself. I want you to be happy and I know you want me to be happy. Part of me being happy is being able to move on without guilt."
Santana couldn't ignore that and she turned around to look at Brittany now "Move on?" The words had come out a lot weaker and a lot softer and desperate sounding than she had intended.
Brittany nodded, her biting her lower lip and her brow creasing showing Santana that she knew it wasn't an easy thing for either of them and that she did feel bad.
Santana took a deep breath and nodded, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down at the floor near a pair of shoes she had kicked off earlier. "Who?"
"Does it matter?" Brittany asked softly.
"Yes!" Santana looked at her friend now "Of course it does! I am going to have to see you with him, her, whatever, and it's going to suck. I would like to know so I can start making a voodoo doll of them and making a list of why I am totally hotter than them."
Brittany frowned, shaking her head "Don't do that Santana. You know no one compares to you."
"Whatever" Santana rolled her eyes, waving a hand to the side as if brushing it off "Just tell me who please?"
"Finn" Brittany said softly, looking down at her hands now.
"Finn?" Santana looked at her friend with a mix of shock, confusion, and a bit of disgust on her face "Why?"
"He's the quarterback and he's popular and I haven't hooked up with him yet" Brittany said with a shrug "plus he is a really nice guy and if both Rachel and Quinn were fighting over him he must be worth it."
Santana's lips curled into a frown of disgusted. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. She wasn't sure if she was pissed, grossed out, or disappointed in her friend. Maybe all three.
"San, please don't be mad" Brittany plead.
"I'm not" Santana said with a sigh, plopping now on the bed next to her friend. Honestly, them just talking was nice even if it was about her wanting to be with Finn over her. "I just don't get it" She admitted in a soft whisper.
"Get what?" Brittany slid her arm across Santana's back, an action Santana wanted to pull away from but didn't.
"Why?" Santana asked again, but before Brittany could answer she continued "Why so soon? Why I wasn't enough for you? Why a boy? Why can't you love me like I love you?" Her voice started to break and she stopped, putting a hand to her mouth and turning her head so she didn't have to look at Brittany.
Brittany frowned, her hand stopping on Santana's back. "I'm sorry, San. I know this is hard for you but it will get better. You just have to know that it's nothing you did wrong. I just-"
She was cut off by Santana turning back toward her suddenly. Her hands cupped at the blonde's cheeks and pulled her face to her own, pressing her lips against Brittany's mouth in a firm and desperate kiss. She couldn't stop herself. Her body was shaking, tears were pouring down her cheeks, her heart was thundering in her chest and the only thing that she felt would make her better was this kiss.
Brittany was shocked, to say the least. Her eyes went wide and for a moment she froze. She didn't know what to do. She knew this wasn't right, though, and she somehow worked her hands between she and Santana, pushing at her chest until the kiss was broken. "San. We can't do this."
"Please, Britt, please." Santana sobbed, her face now drenched with pain and tears as her hands gripped Brittany's shirt then slid to her waist and pulled her closer "Just love me once more, make the pain go away. It hurts every time I breathe, Brittany. I need you just one more time. If this is goodbye, make me numb first, take my pain and make me forget it until you are gone forever."
"Santana" Brittany shook her head, but didn't push her away. It was breaking her heart to see her friend this way. She did love her, she loved her more than she could say, but she could never love her the way she needed to be.
"Please!" Santana wailed out, her hands sliding up Brittany's sides, pulling her shirt up with the motion.
Brittany broke. Her own emotions over took her and that thing inside her that wanted to do whatever she could to make Santana happy took over. She wanted to see her smile, to see her laugh. There was no reasoning behind it other than to make Santana happy.
When Brittany showed no resistance now, Santana went into auto pilot. She rid Brittany of her shirt with ease before starting work on her pants. Her lips sought out and found the blonde's without hesitation. She was still sobbing, though more quietly now, and she had to break the kiss every so often to take a breath between her crying.
Soon Brittany was below her, her beautiful long toned body stretched out on her bed. Santana straddled her waist, her eyes taking in every glorious inch of the girl she loved. She sobbed silently now as her head dipped and she started to kiss along Brittany's stomach slowly, taking in the taste of her skin for the last time. She sighed between soft kisses, her tongue passing over the tight muscles below her skin. Tears dropped here and there over her skin only to be swept up by Santana's tongue almost immediately.
Brittany's back arched and a moan escaped her lips. That sound was so sweet, it was a sound Santana would never forget and yet still hoped to hear again one day. The fact that she felt good left a shred of hope that maybe deep down she could love her one day.
Santana lifted her head to look up at her face, to take in the way it twitched and twisted with every touch or kiss she gave her. She was so beautiful, so perfect, she was sure she could never love someone this way again. She wanted to savor this moment, take a picture and frame it in her mind so it could never fade and she could never forget.
She curled two fingers gently into Brittany's body, the blonde girl lifting her hips now at the contact, as if begging for more. Santana smiled at this, moving up her body now and letting her mouth find Brittany's once more. Her tongue dipped into her parted lips and as her hand and wrist started to move, stroking in and out of the girl she loved, the kiss grew deeper and deeper.
Brittany's hand now moved down Santana's body, dipping into the tiny shorts she was wearing. A groan echoed from Santana's lips as she felt the slender fingers slide against her needing heat and it was only a moment before Brittany followed suit, slipping two fingers inside her gently.
The two of them lay there together on the bed, their bodies moving in complete harmony with one another. Their hips rocked back and forth against each other's hands, wrists and fingers pressing in and out so perfectly. Santana had pulled from the kiss now and was staring down at Brittany, watching her every expression as they moved together as one beautiful unit.
Santana couldn't help herself, she started to cry again. It was a mix of love, pain, pleasure, and desperation. Part of her hated herself right now for putting her heart through this, for making Brittany do it, but just the feel of her body against Brittany made it feel alright in the moment. Her guilt melted away and her eyes closed for a moment.
Her head came to rest against Brittany's shoulder, their chests pressing together with each movement of their body. She could feel Brittany's hot breath on her neck, smell her hair taking over her senses. Even the sensation of her fingers being squeezed by Brittany's walls was being put to memory. She needed this. She needed to have this. At least that is what she kept telling herself.
Maybe it was desperation, maybe it was her vulnerable state, or maybe it was the fact she hadn't been laid in over a month, but Santana came first. Her body was weak, trembling slightly, and her hips paused as she felt the warmth take over and soar from head to toe through every nerve in her body. She cried out as her walls clenched and throbbed. This was a feeling she never wanted to come down from. She fought to keep her eyes open, watching the face Brittany made as she made her come, burning it into memory as she flinched and twitched at the hands of her love. She was what Heaven was, she was sure of it.
The tears were uncontrollable now. As her body tingled from head to toe, as Brittany made her go numb just as she had wanted, she couldn't stop herself from crying. This was everything she had wanted and yet she knew it would not last.
She sniffled and sobbed as her fingers continued inside Brittany. She could see the girl had wanted to say something, but Santana had shushed her before she could speak. She sealed her mouth with another kiss, sobbing now between breaths as her fingers continued to push into all the places she knew Brittany loved. She knew her like the back of her hand and yet she felt she might forget once she was gone.
"Please" Santana choked out now as she pulled from the kiss. Her face was red, tears falling from her cheeks to land against Brittany's face "Please come for me Britt."
It was desperation all over again, but she wouldn't stop. She couldn't. Not until she had the satisfaction of showing Brittany just one more time how much she loved her, trying to show her that only she could love her this way, that no one else would come close.
"Santana" Brittany whispered. Santana wasn't sure if it was out of pleasure or sadness herself, but she didn't care. She just wanted to feel this one more time.
"Shhh" Santana pleaded as her wrist started to move more quickly now, her thumb pressing against her clit now and working it furiously back and forth. She needed this. She needed to make Brittany feel like this so that she would never forget her.
It was only a few moments later that the blonde finally came. Her body trembled against Santana's hand and her back arched from the bed. She took deep breaths, her hips shook, and her toes curled. There was no way she had faked it, Santana knew that. She could always tell.
She watched as the blonde settled against the bed, her eyes closed, breathing heavily to try and compose herself. It was the most beautiful look in the world, she was sure of it.
Santana stared for a long time, long enough that Brittany's heart beat had returned to normal in her chest. It was then and only then that Santana removed her fingers from within her and slid up alongside her in the bed, wrapping her arm around the slender blonde girl.
Her head came to rest against Brittany's shoulder and she lay there as content as she could be, praying to melt into her so she would never have to be without her. She knew Brittany couldn't deny what had just happened. She would see, she would change her mind and stay with her now.
"I have to go" Brittany whispered softly, shifting on the bed to slide away from Santana so she could sit up. She reached down to the floor to gather her shirt, not once looking back at Santana.
Santana frowned, her eyes opening to find Brittany's bare back toward her. She shook her head a bit and propped up on her elbow "No you don't you can stay the night."
"I can't" Brittany whispered before she pulled her shirt over her head and stood, climbing back into her jeans one leg at a time.
Santana frowned, her eyes starting to water again as she watched the girl she loved start to walk out of her life. She wanted to look away but she couldn't. All she could do was stare and hope she was seeing things.
Brittany slipped her shoes back on and grabbed her bag. She frowned as she moved to the door, her eyes having not looked at Santana since getting out of bed. She didn't say another word, she just moved to the door. Her hand reached out for the doorknob and she paused, finally lifting her eyes to look back at Santana in bed.
"I'll see you later." It was said with a fake confidence because honestly Brittany wasn't sure Santana would ever want to see her again.
Then she was gone.
"I love you" Santana said, but it was too late. The door was closed and the only person she had ever cared about more than herself was gone.
This was not what she had wanted. All the numbness in the world could never prevent the pain she was feeling.
The tears came again and this time they didn't stop, they probably never would. She didn't have a heart beat anymore because it had imploded within her chest cavity. She wanted to die but she was pretty sure even that wouldn't take away the pain she felt. Nothing in the world could be worse than this.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
It was late Sunday afternoon and Rachel hadn't heard from Santana or Brittany all weekend. She wasn't sure what had happened and was dying to know. She had to stop herself from calling or texting. It wasn't her place. If they wanted to tell her what had happened that was their choice. Maybe Brittany chickened out and she would never have to tell Santana that she had suggested the entire thing. No, Brittany seemed pretty set on dating Finn. Maybe it had gone well. If it had gone bad Santana would have called and yelled at Rachel. She would have told her to mind her own business, right?
Rachel wondered if she should text Santana, just a casual little note, and see if she would say anything. She picked up her phone and started to type out a text, then stopped, then started again. She typed something lame asking if she had finished her chemistry homework. She decided that was too casual and erased it.
She went back and forth on what message to send for a half hour before finally deciding Santana was probably asleep and she should leave her alone. They could always talk tomorrow. Yeah, it was better that way. Give her a little more time to absorb what had happened and maybe be less upset with her the next day at school. Yes, time was good.
This was going to be the longest night sleep of her life.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
When Santana hadn't showed up for school the next day Rachel was worried. It was going on three days that she hadn't heard from her and that was unlike her. Rachel had texted Santana the moment she found out that she had missed school and when she had not gotten a response by the end of the day she knew she was going over to her house after school whether she liked it or not.
Rachel had gathered up their chemistry homework, using that as an excuse to visit, before she headed over to the Lopez's house. Santana's mom had let her in right away, saying that Santana had been sick all day so not to stay too long so she didn't catch whatever it was she had. Rachel thanked her kindly and headed down the now familiar hallway toward the Latina's cavelike room.
She didn't bother knocking, she knew Santana wouldn't let her in, so she just pushed the door open and invited herself in.
She was right, the entire room was dark except for a sliver of light coming through where the curtain didn't quite meet in the middle and even then the day was fading fast so soon there would be no light.
"Santana" Rachel said sharply, going over to a lamp and turning it on before she moved to the bed. She reached out and pulled the covers off the girl, folding her arms as she looked down at her.
"Go away" Santana mumbled, trying to hide her face under her pillow. She had been crying all day and with one look she knew Rachel would know.
"No" Rachel folded her arms "Why did you miss school? And how come you haven't talked to me all weekend? Are you mad at me? I was only trying to help." She frowned, her guilt that maybe her plan had backfired was not seeping through.
"I'm not mad at you." Santana said from under her pillow. "I just don't feel good."
Rachel frowned and kneeled by the bed now, her elbows resting on the mattress "Well what are your symptoms? I bet you I have a tea in my backpack that can help."
"I don't want tea I want you to go away, Berry!" The words were harsh. Santana hadn't meant them to come out so sharply, but now that they had it kind of felt good to let it out a little.
"Santana you can't bitch your way out of this. I am not leaving." Rachel lifted herself and turned to sit on the bed now, her back against Santana's.
A heavy sigh came from under the pillow, but nothing more. It was obvious Santana had surrendered.
Rachel nodded triumphantly and reached for her backpack, pulling it onto her legs and starting to unzip it "I brought your chemistry homework. It's just some reading but I suggest you don't fall behind because I hear the test for this chapter is tough."
Nothing.
Rachel set the book aside and put her bag on the floor. "Today at lunch Sam made Mercedes laugh so hard she almost choked on a tator tot?"
Nothing.
Rachel bit her lip and sighed. She didn't want to have to do this but she had no other choice "I saw Brittany today."
Santana rolled over now, sitting up to turn off her lamp before plopping back down onto the bed.
"Honestly Santana!" Rachel turned in a huff now "Are you going to talk about what happened or not?"
"Not. Now go away Rachel. You are making this trying to die alone and sad thing very hard."
"Why would you want to do that?" Rachel crossed her arms, glaring so hard at the pillow she was almost sure Santana could feel it.
"Because I'm in love with a girl who will never love me back and I am so desperate to feel anything from her that I cheapen myself and her to do so." Santana wailed now, sitting up and throwing the pillow that had been hiding her face. Her eyes were puffy, cheeks red and tear stained.
Rachel frowned immediately, her gaze softened and she scooted closer to Santana, reaching out to slide her thumb across her cheek as if trying to wipe a tear away that wasn't there at the moment. "What happened? What do you mean by cheapening yourself?"
Santana pulled her face away, closing her eyes again. She shook her head at Rachel. Suddenly it dawned on her what she had done and as bad as she felt before, she felt worse now knowing that she would have to tell Rachel. She knew she wouldn't take it well.
"What is it Santana?" Rachel's tone was so soft now, so caring. She wasn't mad anymore. She could see her friend was in pain, the same sort of pain she had been the night she had held her. She hated seeing her like this.
Santana sighed but didn't look at Rachel just yet "She came over Saturday night to talk, you know? Of course you know, it was your idea. Anyway" She shrugged, lifting a hand to run under her nose as she sniffled. She licked her lips then glanced at Rachel, only for a moment, before her gaze dropped again "I freaked out. I lost control. I couldn't stop myself."
Rachel's heart stopped. Had Santana been so mad, so upset that Brittany wanted to move on that she had physically harmed the girl? She knew Santana had a temper and had even been on the receiving end of a sudden snap in that temper, but she never thought she would really physically hurt her best friend.
"Santana, did you...?" Rachel whispered, her hand moving to her own arm where the bruises had been so very long ago from Santana's grip, a sudden ache rose there as if the bruises were fresh.
Santana looked over now, seeing Rachel holding her arm, and quickly she shook her head "Oh, god no. I would never. I mean, not on purpose. No. This is worse" Santana mumbled, her eyes closing as a hand came to her face to rub at her forehead.
Rachel couldn't really think of anything worse than that and now she was really worried. "What was it then?"
Pushing back her messy dark strands, Santana took a deep breath as she prepared to say it. She looked at Rachel and caught the worry on her face and her guilt rose in her throat like hot vomit. She had to swallow and look away, fighting the urge to want to cry again. She knew that no matter what Rachel was thinking, no matter how she looked now, it would all get worse when she spoke the truth.
"Santana, please!" Rachel breathed out, suddenly realizing she had been holding her breath.
Santana bit her lip and shrugged, her eyes lifting slowly to Rachel "I begged and pleaded with her to stay, to love me. I told her I couldn't be without her, that I didn't want to. She told me no, of course, and I snapped. I..." She shook her head, lifting a hand to wipe at her eyes where the tears were starting to form again "I begged her to make love to me one last time, so I could feel that rush and pleasure and love just once more before she left me forever."
"You slept with her?" Rachel's voice was so soft, caught in her throat, she wasn't even sure the words had really made a sound.
Santana nodded, though, confirming Rachel's worst fear.
Rachel looked stunned. Her eyes dropped and she looked down at the bed, at a spot on the sheet where the stitching was off. She didn't really know what to say and honestly her chest had been flooded with pain so quickly it kind of left her breathless and paralyzed.
"Rachel" Santana said softly, her hand reaching out to lie against her shoulder.
Rachel pulled away and Santana knew she had messed up. Well she had known before but know it was right there in front of her eyes.
"It just happened. I was crazy. I practically prostituted myself to her."
Rachel turned and got off the bed, reaching down to pick up her bag before sliding the strap over her shoulder.
"Rachel please don't go" Santana said softly "You are the only one I can talk to-"
"I left my notes in the pages of the chapter you need to read. Have a good night."
"Rachel" Santana got off the bed for the first time in two days, her nearly falling over her own feet from lack of use before she scrambled along and somehow beat Rachel to the door. She leaned against it, her eyes full of sorrow and pleading. "I am so sorry. What do you want me to say?"
Rachel was fighting off tears. She had to bite her lip to keep them at bay as she shook her head "Nothing. You don't owe me anything. I just hope you got what you wanted and you feel good about it."
"I don't, Rachel. I feel like shit. Everything I have ever known has fallen apart right in front of my eyes and in a desperate attempt to cling to it, I not only destroyed it completely but tore apart the only thing I had left that might salvage any sort of happiness."
"Oh I am so sorry, Santana. You are the only one hurting, how could I be so insensitive and not realize that?" Sarcasm oozed from Rachel's lips as she glared at the girl.
"Rachel, please. I wasn't lying the other night when I said sex was the last thing on my mind. I didn't say that just so I didn't hurt your feelings, it was the truth!"
"I don't care, Santana, now move!" Rachel nearly growled the words now, a fire in her eyes that Santana had never seen.
"Obviously you DO care or you wouldn't be upset and you wouldn't have come here!" Santana was not one to back down from a fight.
"Oh great, make me seem like the pathetic girl who clings to damaged goods like I have nothing better to do!" It was harsh, but Rachel said it before she could stop it.
Santana blinked and her brow creased. It was the first time she had ever heard Rachel say anything rude. Except that time she had told her she would be working on a pole. But this stung a lot more because it was coming from a friend she cared about, not a girl who was still jealous she had taken the boy she liked virginity.
"I didn't mean that" Rachel said quickly, her face immediately softening with guilt.
"No" Santana held up her hand, shaking her head a little bit. "No. Don't. You can't apologize to me. You are angry and hurt, for good reason, and you were just expressing that to me. You are allowed to be pissed, Rachel. I hurt you and me telling you to not feel hurt would be wrong."
Rachel was surprised, to say the least. She had almost expected Santana to slam her head against the door and instead she was giving in. She was forgiving her and encouraging her to feel hurt and upset at her.
"I'm not upset" Rachel said quickly. That was a lie and she sighed, shrugging "Alright, so I am. But I didn't mean what I said, you aren't damaged goods. You're a beautiful young woman who is loving and caring. You have a huge heart and when you let people in you let them in for life. And that is why I am upset, Santana. You let me in and I feel so lucky for that, but I also know that no matter how much Brittany hurts you, you will always want her more than you will ever want me." The last of her words slipped out before she could stop them and she bit her lip hoping maybe she had trailed off enough that Santana hadn't heard.
But she had and Santana frowned at the words. She shook her head a little bit and reached a hand out to Rachel's shoulder "Why would you ever want me to want you? I'm a mess."
"Because" Rachel said softly, shrugging her shoulders "You were right, it meant something to me to lose my virginity and even though we were drunk I knew what I was doing and I had wanted it to be you. You are strong and witty and funny. I've always admired you and wondered what it must be like to be you, to be popular and not take crap from anyone and have people respect you just because you are Santana Lopez." She shook her head a little bit, her eyes now watering and she was trying to blink them dry so she could focus on Santana's face. "You're not a mess, Santana, not to me. You are everything I strive to be like and everything I want in my life."
Santana had definitely not expected that. Her words were so kind, so heartfelt, so breathtakingly honest. She blinked a tear away, only to have another one follow in its wake and slide down her cheek slowly. "I'm no good, Rachel."
"Yes you are, Santana" Rachel said quickly, her composure gone now as tears rolled one after another down her face. "You are one of the best people I have ever known."
"Rachel" Santana sobbed now, shaking her head and stepping up to the smaller girl. Her arms slid around her tiny waist and without hesitation she pulled the girl against her body. Her chest heaved immediately as her sobs spilled over, her tears falling into Rachel's hair and against her neck but she couldn't stop now. The words were the nicest that anyone had ever said about her and suddenly she was faced with the realization of just why they meant so much to her.
Rachel had not only grown into a close friend, no. She meant something more to her. Something had happened in that hotel room bathroom, something the both of them had been trying to deny and ignore. It had meant something, though, to the both of them and now it seemed they were both breaking down and giving into it.
"Santana" Rachel mumbled against her neck where her face was buried as she sobbed. Her tiny hands gripped tightly against the back of the shirt Santana wore, clinging to her and pulling the taller frame against her own. Never in her life had Rachel felt so unsure. Never in her life had she been so vulnerable. Never in her life had she been so afraid.
It was as if Santana could read her mind. She could feel the fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability soaking out of Rachel and into her own skin. They stood there together, the both of them searching for something they hadn't known they were missing.
"It's alright." Santana whispered finally, her cheek pressed to Rachel's tightly as she held the small girl in her arms, offering as much comfort as she could in her own vulnerable state, trying to be the strong one now just like Rachel had been all summer for her "I'm here. You are not alone."