Nominated for the Western Wood's People's Choice Awards; Categories: "Best 'Bromance' or Brother fic (no incest)" and "Best New Narnia Author."
The train rumbled on but the Pevensies sat in silence. The two elder siblings were in shock and the younger two chose to leave them to their thoughts.
After boarding and having made some remark about having lost his torch in Narnia, Edmund joined Lucy on the bench opposite Peter and Susan.
Peter sat looking out the window with disinterest, while Susan stared straight ahead confusedly, as though she were trying to solve a perplexing problem.
Edmund and Lucy shared a glance, but followed their siblings' lead and remained quiet.
The train slowed as it pulled into the station.
"This is our stop, Su," said Lucy, getting up and grabbing both of their suitcases from the shelf above.
Wordlessly, Susan got up and took her suitcase from Lucy. Remaining silent, she gave both Edmund and Peter a hug before departing.
Lucy followed suit, squeezing her brothers so tightly they thought they would burst.
"Look after Peter," she whispered to Edmund. Raising her voice to address Peter as well, she said, "Don't worry about Susan. I'll look after her."
"Of course you will," said Edmund confidently when it became apparent that Peter wasn't going to say anything. "Take care of yourself, Lu, and remember that we love you."
"I love you two too," said Lucy, and then she was gone.
Left on their own, Edmund observed his brother and tried to figure out how best to approach Peter's silence.
Before he could even open his mouth, though, the car door opened and the young man in glasses who had called Susan 'Phyllis' appeared.
"Do you mind?" he asked, motioning inside and indicating that he would like to sit. "Everywhere else is full."
Edmund only nodded curtly, moving to sit by Peter.
After setting his luggage on the shelf above, the boy sat regarding the brothers.
Edmund leaned against Peter, hoping to at least pretend to sleep so that the other boy wouldn't try talking to them. He felt Peter stiffen, even as he accepted Edmund's weight.
Yet another thing to talk to Peter about, thought Edmund to himself. Why would he tense at my touch?
Edmund shrugged his brother's behavior off and sat resting, wishing that he could read Peter's mind so as to better understand what was troubling him.
Luckily for the two boys, the other traveler in their compartment took the hint and said nothing. When the train pulled into the station, he was the first one off.
Edmund, realizing that Peter was in no condition to think for himself, pulled both of their suitcases down from the luggage rack and guided Peter off the train.
They joined the throng of boys streaming towards the school gates, only separating when they were forced to go to their own class tables to have dinner.
As Edmund shoveled down food, distractedly conversing with his classmates, he maintained eye contact with Peter.
At first, it looked as though Peter wouldn't eat anything. At the urging of the boys surrounding him, though, he ate a little, enough to satisfy Edmund and convince him that it was time they went to their room and talked.
Pushing his plate away, Edmund rose and made his way out of the dining hall.
Having been paying as close attention to Edmund as Edmund had been paying to him, Peter rose as well and had soon joined Edmund in the hallway.
They made their way in silence, glad to be each other's cure to the nightmares that had accompanied their first return from Narnia which led them to sharing a room.
Edmund unlocked the door, bowing low before Peter and making a sweeping gesture with his arm.
"After you, my lord High King," he said with a smile, glancing up through his lashes at Peter. What he saw shocked him, though, for Peter's eyes reflected such pain and sorrow that Edmund was taken aback.
Touching a hand to Edmund's cheek in a gentle caress, Peter entered the room, Edmund following close behind, immediately shutting the door and locking it.
Peter moved to sit on his bed, resting his head in his hands in an attempt to hide from Edmund.
"Don't do this, Pete," said Edmund, kneeling in front of him and pulling his hands away from his face. "What are you thinking? Tell me, please."
Speaking for the first time, Peter said, "How can you stand being near me?"
"What?" asked Edmund, stunned. Of all the things for Peter to say, that was one of the last things Edmund had been expecting.
"I'm not worthy of the title 'High King'—I don't deserve it," Peter went on. "I've acted less like a king on this past trip to Narnia, and during this past year, than I ever acted before even knowing about Narnia."
"That's true," said Edmund, glad to know that Peter realized how unseemly his behavior had been and deciding that the best approach was to be brutally frank with Peter, rather than sugar-coat the truth. "Why was that?"
"I was angry," came the instant reply. "I felt as though I'd been kicked out of my own home. I felt as though Aslan had abandoned us, and in abandoning us, had made us abandon our people. Then, to come back and find Narnia completely different, and to discover that we'd been called back to put Caspian on the throne as High King…I felt misplaced. I've been struggling with how to deal with being treated like a kid in our world, and then felt that my position and experience were being unappreciated and deemed unnecessary in Narnia…Edmund, I'm lost. I haven't known how to ask for help, being unaccustomed to needing any, and you suffered for it."
"How have I suffered?" asked Edmund gently.
"I dragged you into fights that I should have been able to handle on my own, or not at all. I fell off my high horse, so to speak, and I brought you down with me. I've been pushing you away, when I should have been keeping you close, safe from harm. Instead, I caused you more harm than anyone."
"Did you expect me to stand idly by and watch while you were unnecessarily beaten? Peter, I never did anything I didn't want to do," said Edmund. "All those times I came to your defense…I did so because you are family, and I will fight for you to the death."
"You shouldn't feel that way. I don't deserve it," Peter muttered, barely holding back tears.
"And why is that?" asked Edmund.
"I let everyone down. Here, in England, I wanted to be treated with the respect I felt I was due, lashing out when, instead, I was treated like a kid. In Narnia, I thought I knew everything. I wanted to be the one to lead us to Aslan's How. I wanted to be the one to lead the night raid and have it be successful. Instead, I sentenced all those soldiers to die!"
"That could have happened to anyone, Pete. Haven't you led raids that were unsuccessful before, back when we were in Narnia the first time?"
"Yes, but my failure was in not calling this one off when I had the chance."
"Everyone makes mistakes, Pete."
"And then to blame Caspian for my own arrogance…," Peter's voice trailed off, lost in thought.
Edmund still knelt before Peter, holding his hands and squeezing them reassuringly. "It's natural to not want to take responsibility for a disaster of that magnitude," he said, before falling silent once more, waiting in suspense for what must surely be at the root of Peter's reluctance to meet his eyes.
Peter spoke again, "You keep making excuses for my behavior. Can you excuse the fact that I almost released the White Witch, despite knowing the extent of her evilness, despite having sworn that she wouldn't touch another member of our family, that I wouldn't let her harm you again?"
"Peter, I, more than anyone, know of the White Witch's power…The way her eyes can hypnotize…The way her voice can entrance and entice. You are not to blame for being tempted. Our first time in Narnia, I was the one who was drawn in by her lies, leaving you to be the strong one. Now, it's my turn to be there for you. Let me."
"Why should you care," murmured Peter brokenly, "when I haven't been there for you?"
"That's beside the point," said Edmund. "You're here now. My Peter is back. And I intend to keep you with me."
"I'm not going anywhere, Ed," said Peter, fervently, "not this time."
Edmund remained silent. Peter had made promises before that had been broken, and they both knew it. He rose abruptly to his feet, startling Peter who thought he was leaving, leaving before Peter hurt him even more. Instead, Edmund simply took off his shoes and made himself comfortable on Peter's bed.
"Let it out, Pete," he urged quietly. "No one's here to see or hear or judge. Let go."
Peter hesitantly lowered himself so that he was lying next to Edmund, needing no further encouragement to release the pent up emotions from the last year and depending on Edmund in a way he never had before.
As he sobbed into Edmund chest, and felt Edmund's soothing touch through his hair and along his back, he was reminded of a similar situation from their first year in Narnia, where he had been the comforter and Edmund the comforted. Now their positions were reversed.
Edmund, meanwhile, offered no reproach, merely held Peter and allowed him to stain his shirt with his tears.
Before falling asleep, the last thing Peter was aware of was Edmund leaning over to plant a light kiss on his forehead.
When Peter opened his eyes, he was in a very familiar forest.
"Welcome, Son of Adam," came a voice nearby, also familiar to the former High King.
Peter ran, throwing his arms around the great Lion's neck and weeping, unashamedly, into Aslan's magnificent mane.
"Oh, Aslan," he sobbed. "I've hurt Edmund so much over the past year, yet he still manages to forgive and forget. Why is that, when he should hate me for living?"
"Peter," began Aslan, gently, "what did your brother want, more than anything, upon his rescue from the Witch?"
Peter shrugged. He and Edmund had discussed the events leading up to their first battle many times, as Edmund was often overcome by guilt and would need Peter's reassurance that all was forgiven…
"Forgiveness," Peter realized.
"Correct. And who's did he desire?" asked the Lion.
At this, Peter was unsure. He shrugged again.
"His family's," answered Aslan. "Specifically, your forgiveness, for he values you above all others."
"But why?" Peter exclaimed. "What am I to him?"
"You are his brother," said Aslan, "and the bonds of brotherhood go much deeper than many realize. It is for this reason that he forgives your transgressions over this past year and is willing to forget them. Tell me, Peter, do you hold his earlier betrayal against him?"
"No, of course not," said Peter. "The moment I saw him in camp, all I felt was relief that he was alive."
"Couldn't the same be true of Edmund—that he forgives you because he is glad that you are alive?"
"I shouldn't be," said Peter, morosely. "I lost faith in you and I sentenced all those soldiers in the night raid to die. I was their king; I should have died with them."
At hearing this, Aslan gave a ferocious growl, and Peter was suddenly so afraid of the Lion that he fell to his knees and bowed his head. "You were lost, and now you are found. Death is a part of any war, Peter. You should honor those that fought bravely and died valiantly by living on in their memory and ensuring that their death was not in vain."
"Yes, Aslan," replied Peter.
"Look at me, my Son," said Aslan, voice much gentler.
Slowly, Peter raised his head to find the Lion looking at him with such tenderness that he suddenly found himself fighting back tears again.
"You have learned all you can from Narnia, Peter. That is why you will never return. You have not done anything wrong, as your sister Lucy was quick to ask. Rather, you have done something right. Narnia's teachings have prepared you for finding me in your world."
"Are you in England too, Aslan? Truly?" asked Peter, joy flooding his features at the realization that he wasn't to be deserted.
As if reading his thoughts, Aslan said, "I watch over all creatures in both Narnia and your world, dear heart. You will never be alone, for I am with you, always."
"Oh, thank you, Aslan," said Peter.
"Peter, you've come to me because you are looking for something. Have you found it?" asked Aslan.
"Yes, Aslan, I think I have."
"Then it is time for you to return to your brother's side. Remember, Peter, seek and you will find. I am never far."
"I won't forget, Aslan," Peter promised.
With a start, Peter's eyes shot open and he found himself back at school in England, in his and Edmund's room, with his brother pressed firmly against his side.
He pulled Edmund even closer so that he was practically on top of Peter's chest, grateful for his brother's forgiving nature and willingness to give him another chance.
"Wha—?" Edmund mumbled sleepily as Peter's arms tightened around him. "Oh, Pete, what is it?" he asked, immediately alert to his brother's distress.
"I'm picking up where we left off in Narnia," said Peter resolutely. "Edmund, you've always been there for me, and I haven't been as appreciative as I should have been. From now on, though, I'll be there for you, whether you want me or not—"
"I'll always want you," Edmund interrupted.
"And I won't get into anymore fights and leave you to clean up the mess," finished Peter, somehow managing to tighten his arms even more around Edmund, effectively pinning him to his chest. "I'll do my best to be someone you can rely on."
Edmund enthusiastically returned Peter's hug, grateful for the show of affection and reliving the look they had shared before rushing into the fray that was Miraz's army. In that moment, they had understood each other completely and were of one mind—for Narnia and for Aslan, side by side and back to back, just like old times.
Overcome with joy at having his brother back (and in one piece), Edmund began to cry.
Momentarily stunned, but not that surprised, Peter held him closer and let Edmund stain his shirt with tears.
After several minutes of sobbing—each gasp for air was like a knife being twisted again and again into Peter's heart—Edmund's breathing returned to normal and he collapsed even further into Peter's chest, his energy being completely spent.
"Feel better?" asked Peter, who had continued to soothingly rub circles into Edmund's back, like he had all those years before in Narnia when Edmund would have a nightmare and come to Peter for comfort.
Taking a shaky breath before shooting Peter a watery smile, Edmund nodded. "Much," he replied. "And you?"
"Yes, I'm feeling better too," said Peter, his face lighting up with a genuine smile for the first time in over a year. "Can I ask—why were you crying so hard?" Peter was hesitant to know, but felt that he must. He owed it to Edmund as his brother and as his king to know what was troubling him.
"I'm just so glad to have you back," said Edmund simply, smiling more encouragingly now. "I won't pretend that I wasn't hurt by your actions over this past year, but to have you back…," his voice trailed off. "I just had a lot of pent up emotions that needed to be let out."
"I'm sorry I made you cry, Edmund. I can't apologize enough times for what I must have put you through lately, and I thank Aslan that you have a generous nature and are willing to give me another chance."
"Peter, my love for you is unconditional," said Edmund. "I will always support you, even when you seem to be floundering, for you are my other half, and without you, I'm lost."
"Oh, Ed…," Peter whispered. Had he been standing, Edmund's simple faith and implicit trust in him would have sent him to his knees in shame, for he felt undeserving of having such a brother as Edmund, having been unintentionally maligning Edmund over the past year.
Lost in thought, he almost missed the kiss that Edmund planted firmly on his cheek, then on his forehead, then on his other cheek.
"You have been my king for many years now, Peter, and while it is my duty to stand by you in all things, no matter what my personal opinion in the matter may be, it is a duty that I take great pleasure in, for there is no one who understands me better. In you, I've found a brother, a father, a playmate, and, most important of all, a best friend."
Peter looked up at Edmund, who was balanced precariously on his chest, adoringly.
"You've stood by me, all this time…what have I ever done to deserve such a wonderful brother as you?"
Edmund smiled tolerantly at Peter's self-doubt, and settled his head once more on his brother's shoulder.
They lay there in silence for several minutes, before Peter's nagging guilt drove him to disturb their peace.
"Ed," he began, "What did those boys do to you, at the train station, when you jumped in to save me?"
"Nothing much," said Edmund, attempting to deflect Peter, for he knew that he would eventually want to see the damage.
"It's been a few days, Narnia time, for any bruises to have developed. Can I see?"
"Who said there were bruises?" Edmund managed a weak laugh.
"Ed…," said Peter warningly.
Resigned, Edmund slid off of Peter and stood up. He shed his blazer, then his tie, and finally, his white button-down shirt.
Peter gasped at the sight—Edmund's torso was littered with bruises.
"I can't imagine that you look any better," Edmund remarked to break the tension, feeling uncomfortable under his brother's close scrutiny, for Peter had risen to his feet and was circling him, tentatively touching various bruises.
"Ed…," Peter whispered, close to tears as he remembered other fights where Edmund had come to his defense. "Has this happened often?"
Edmund gave a non-committal shrug, but Peter could see through him and knew the answer was 'yes.'
"Now it's your turn, Pete," said Edmund, motioning that he should remove his shirt and blazer.
Peter was quick to comply and the two boys stood regarding each other's battle scars, both from their world and from Narnia.
"I'm sorry, Ed, I'm sorry," Peter whispered over and over, head hung in shame.
Edmund was by his side in an instant, wrapping his arms around Peter and supporting him, just as he'd always sworn to do. He guided Peter back over to the bed and eased him into a sitting position on the mattress.
"It's alright, Pete. It's over. I think…perhaps it was all part of Aslan's plan, to show that if we put our trust in him, we will never be alone."
"Why do you say 'we?' I'm the one who lost faith and lost sight of the big picture. I'm the one who left Aslan's teachings behind in Narnia and forgot to apply them to our world. How can you include yourself in my failures?"
"I had my own moments of weakness, Pete. We all did. Lucy, Su, and I—we were confused. We thought we'd be in Narnia forever. To leave, and be unsure of when we were returning, if ever, that frightened us. I can't speak for the girls, but in my darkest hour, I saw it as a delayed punishment for siding with Jadis."
He shushed Peter's involuntary sounds of protest.
"I never felt as though I really suffered for my betrayal, at least, not by your hands or by anyone else's on our side. You, the girls, and Aslan all forgave me so easily. I didn't have to work to gain your trust again, which I felt as if I should have had to do. When we came back to England through the wardrobe, I thought it fitting, especially since I'd originally planned on searching for the stag alone. If that had been the case, I would have been the only one sent back and the rest of you wouldn't have had to suffer because of me."
"That's nonsense, Ed," said Peter, finally breaking into Edmund's self-deprecating tirade. "The separation is what would have made us suffer."
"That's sweet, Pete, but I don't believe it. You and the girls would be better off without me."
"Not true," argued Peter. "If anything, you and the girls would be better off without me."
Edmund stared at him incredulously. "How can you say that?" he exclaimed.
"I haven't been much of a brother this past year, have I? Not to Lucy or Susan…and definitely not to you!"
"We understood, Pete," said Edmund. "We knew what you were going through, what we all were going through."
"That makes it all the worse. I should have been there for you and the girls. We should have been adjusting together. Instead, I abandoned you, the same way I abandoned Narnia and Aslan."
"Peter, listen to me—we forgive you," Edmund said, holding Peter's face between his hands and forcing Peter to look at him. "I forgive you," he added, remembering how his one wish whenever he made a mistake was for Peter's forgiveness. Perhaps the same was true of Peter himself.
Peter bowed his head at hearing the words his brother spoke. Edmund held him close and allowed Peter to bury his head in his bare chest, not even flinching when Peter came into contact with a rather painful bruise.
As Peter's breathing evened out, Edmund spoke again. "You've seen Aslan, haven't you?"
"Yes, I have. I had a dream, or a vision, you might call it, and he was there. He was wonderful and terrible, all at once. I expressed my concern for you and how I'd been treating you and Aslan showed me the light. He said how, following your rescue, my forgiveness was all you ever craved because you valued me above all others."
Edmund stared straight ahead, slightly embarrassed at having the secret of his feelings for Peter being shared.
Peter continued, "I went on to berate myself for losing faith in him and leading those soldiers to their death. When I said that as their king, I should have died with them, he growled so ferociously that I momentarily feared for my life, and I knelt before him. He softened and told me to look at him, that I'd learned all that Narnia had to teach me. Then he told me that I would never be alone, for he watches over all creatures, both in Narnia and in our world. When I opened my eyes, I was back here."
"Aslan works in mysterious ways, my brother," Edmund murmured softly, "but he is good."
The two spent a few moments lost in their own thoughts, before Edmund moved to smooth Peter's hair from his brow.
"How do you feel?" he asked tenderly.
"As though a tremendous weight has been lifted from me," replied Peter. "Thank you, Edmund, for listening and offering support. I appreciate it."
"Any time, brother," said Edmund. "And how does it feel, knowing you can never going back?"
"Better than I thought it would," Peter said honestly, knowing instinctively that Edmund was referring to Narnia. "Talking with you has helped, and seeing Aslan one last time…" He sighed contentedly and leaned companionably against Edmund.
Edmund nodded once to himself. The time has come, he thought.
Sliding down from the mattress, he knelt before Peter, who remained seated on the bed and was staring at him in confusion. Taking Peter's hands in his, Edmund cleared his throat and began, "Peter, over the years, you and I have sworn many oaths to each other, as brothers and as kings. Here me now: no matter where our paths may lead, I swear on my life to remain loyal and true to only you, my brother and my king, to honor and obey you in all things. You are the half that completes me. Without you, I am nothing. This I swear, as a knight and king of Narnia, and as a brother."
Falling silent, he bowed his head and brought Peter's hands to his lips, planting a light kiss on the knuckles to signify the completion of his oath.
"Aslan help me to uphold my vows," he murmured softly.
Peter was speechless. This was perhaps the most heartfelt and moving oath either of them had ever sworn to the other. "Ed…," he whispered, overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions.
In that one word, his name, Edmund heard all that Peter was trying to say.
In one fluid motion, Peter was on the ground opposite Edmund, positioned on his knees and clasping Edmund's hands in his, drawing them towards his chest and resting them on his heart.
"Ed—that is possibly the nicest thing you have ever said to me, and I love you dearly for it. I know I don't deserve such a wonderful brother as you. Even with Aslan and everyone else's forgiveness, yours especially, I'm still working on forgiving myself for having lost sight of what it means to be a king of Narnia and for forgetting that I am never alone, least of all when I have you."
He gave a wry laugh. "I now know how it must have felt for you when you returned to Aslan's camp and were forgiven by everyone. I know you've spoken of it with me, how you felt undeserving and unworthy of being placed on the throne, king of the subjects you had betrayed. I feel that way now, because of the night raid, you know…"
"It takes time, Pete," said Edmund.
"I know, Ed, I know, and I'll get there…eventually, just as you did."
They shared a secretive smile, born from years of court life where the ability to speak without words was imperative.
"Now, as you have sworn to remain true to me, I shall swear as much to you. Edmund, my brother and fellow king of Narnia, there is no me without you. I wouldn't have been half the king I was without you, and I wouldn't be half the man I am today if it weren't for you. I swear to stand by you, forever, no matter what. I swear to defend your honor at the slightest provocation. And I swear to always protect you, with my life if necessary. I realize that I haven't been much of a friend or a brother to you this year, but all that is past. I've changed, and in future, I will never leave your side, for I love you, brother mine."
Edmund was left speechless, mouth gaping, as Peter had been following his own oath. Then the two brothers embraced, sharing more through a single touch than any words could ever have expressed.
Unwilling to let go, even for a moment, Edmund and Peter rose as one and climbed back into bed. Pulling the covers up tenderly around their bruised torsos, they rested carefully in each other's arms, glad that everything was out in the open.
"You've always believed in me, haven't you?" asked Peter sleepily, still incredulous at Edmund's ever-constant faith in him.
"Always," Edmund replied.
At peace for once, the two let sleep claim them. They were not plagued by nightmares, and they woke the next morning, refreshed and ready to face new challenges.
In the days that followed, as their bodies healed from the fights in both of their homelands, so did their minds and their spirits.
They were never apart, and many of their classmates commented on the changes both boys seemed to have undergone.
Though sharing a room, it was some time before Peter and Edmund could bear to separate long enough to sleep in separate beds. Having gone a year without the brotherly comfort they each craved, many nights found them wrapped securely in the other's arms as they both sought to protect the other from various threats, whether real or imaginary.
As Edmund had promised, Peter came to forgive himself, in time, as well as realize that he was worthy of other's forgiveness.
Soon, though, their positions would once more be reversed, and Edmund would find himself in need of his brother's wise counsel as he struggled to come to terms with entering, and leaving behind forever, a Narnia that did not welcome Peter, his other half.