My deepest thanks to HarmonyLover—for her unwavering support and encouragement, and for her permission to borrow the idea of Edmund being deeply affected by Caspian offering him Peter's sword.
Nominated for the Western Wood's People's Choice Awards; Categories: "Best 'Bromance' or Brother fic (no incest)" and "Best New Narnia Author."
Edmund lay in bed, looking out the window and up at the night sky. His thoughts, as was often the case anymore, were of Narnia, and how the stars there shone brighter and the moon seemed to possess more of an ethereal glow.
He didn't feel much of anything these days. Being sent away from Narnia, and never to return (at least, not in this lifetime), was more than he could bear. How Peter had coped as well as he had when he'd first returned was a mystery to Edmund.
Peter…yet another reason for Edmund's unease and vague discontentment. Being in Narnia without Peter had been unnerving for him. He'd always looked to Peter for guidance, gladly following wherever his brother led. Though Edmund was an independent person by nature, his latest trip to Narnia had impressed upon him how much he depended on Peter.
Oh, Peter, Edmund thought, curling further in on himself in an attempt to contain the pain threatening to overwhelm him.
The next moment, there was a sudden shift in the mattress and Edmund found himself encased in a very familiar pair of arms.
"Peter!" he sobbed, turning so as to be better able to hug his long-absent brother.
"It's alright, Ed, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Shh, it's alright," Peter whispered over and over again into Edmund's ear, all the while rubbing soothing circles into his back, a pattern that had been set in stone many years before.
"How…?" Edmund's voice trailed off, unsure of what exactly he wanted to ask Peter.
"Lucy wrote and told me of your adventures in Narnia. She urged me to come home, saying that you needed me. So, I finished my studies with the professor as soon as was possible and took the fastest train here."
After a slight pause, Peter said in his gentlest voice, "What I want to know is why I had to hear about Narnia from Lucy rather than from you."
"I—I didn't know what to say," said Edmund, voice muffled from having his head buried in Peter's chest. "You can't imagine what it was like…being in Narnia without you, Pete. I was lost. It felt as though a part of me were missing. And now, I can never go back."
"Don't worry, Ed. Aslan won't desert us. He's here, you know, in England. He's everywhere. You aren't alone."
"I'm not worried," said Edmund. "I trust Him and that He has a plan for us. It doesn't make it any easier, though, knowing that I can never go back. Narnia's been my home for many years. I've lived there so long that I don't know how to live in England anymore."
"It takes time, Ed, but you'll manage," Peter assured him. "Isn't that what you told me once?"
"Yes, I seem to recall having a conversation along those lines with you," Edmund said, giving a slight laugh, although the situation being referred to was less than pleasant to either brother.
While they'd been talking, Peter had been crushing Edmund to his chest. He'd missed him, more than words could ever say, and he sought to make up for lost time by practically molding their bodies together. Having grown accustomed to ruling as one over Narnia, Peter acting as Edmund's sword and Edmund as Peter's shield (much to Peter's consternation), separating for any length of time was extremely difficult and caused pain to both brothers. The solution, they had found, was, once reunited, to never leave the other's side and to remain as close as possible. This behavior had resulted in much teasing while they'd been at school, Peter even earning the nickname of 'Mother Hen,' though neither boy minded very much.
Having cleared the initial hurdle—Edmund's feelings regarding his permanent departure from Narnia—Peter made himself comfortable while positioning Edmund next to him rather than on top of him, determined that his brother would get a good night's sleep. Having spent many years in conference with Edmund, Peter knew instinctively that tomorrow's conversation was going to be draining and that they would both need their strength.
"Good night, Ed," he whispered, arms tightening protectively around his little brother. "We'll talk more in the morning. Sleep well."
"G'night, Pete," Edmund replied sleepily as he stifled a yawn, Peter's presence having relaxed him more than he'd been in months. "I love you."
Peter smiled into the darkened room. "I love you too," he said quietly back, but Edmund was already asleep.
The next morning, Peter woke first, immediately taking note of how the sun shone through the curtains and fell on Edmund's face, giving him the appearance of an angel. A short while later, Edmund awoke as well, blinking blearily as his eyes adjusted to the sudden light. A lazy grin stretched across his face when he remembered where he was and who he was with.
Edmund met Peter's gaze and positively beamed up at him, thrilled to have his brother home, safe and sound.
"You're here," he whispered breathily. "Then last night wasn't a dream."
"No, Ed, it wasn't," Peter assured him. "I'm really here, and I'm home for good."
"I've missed you, Pete," Edmund confessed after a few moments of basking in the feel of Peter's arms around him, "more than words can say."
"I missed you too, Ed," said Peter soothingly. "But we're together now."
Laying for a few more minutes in close proximity to one another, Peter finally sat up, pulling Edmund with him.
"Are you ready to talk?" he asked.
Edmund nodded, though he sat in silence for some time, staring off into space.
"At first, it was so good to be back that I almost managed to forget that you weren't with us. When we were pulled aboard the 'Dawn Treader,' Caspian introduced us as Narnia's King and Queen of Old. Pete, you know I've never cared for the formalities of court, all the bowing and scraping. But when everyone knelt at hearing who we were, I have to say—the recognition felt good, and was a welcome change from how I'd been treated here."
"Understandable," Peter intoned. "I remember how it felt when we arrived at Aslan's How, and all the centaurs raised their swords to us, like in the old days of our reign. I felt as though I were King again, rather than just a kid."
Edmund went on. "Once we had changed into some dry clothes, Caspian brought us to his cabin to explain the purpose behind his voyage. It was then that I felt your absence most acutely, for Lucy immediately began exclaiming over her cordial, as well as Susan's gift of the bow and arrows. I was reminded of where I'd been when you were all receiving your gifts from Father Christmas."
"Oh, Ed," whispered Peter, placing an arm around Edmund's shoulder and drawing him close, understanding dawning at the realization of what his brother had been forced to go through alone.
"And then," Edmund continued, voice slightly choked from holding back tears, "Caspian offered me your sword. When I refused, he, instead, gave me my torch that I left in Narnia last time."
Peter chuckled slightly at that, before sobering and saying, "Why would you refuse my sword? You're next in line, even before Caspian. It would make the most sense for you to have it. I, certainly, cannot imagine trusting it into anyone else's hands but yours."
"That's just it, Pete," said Edmund. "I may be next in line after you, but that sword is yours alone. It was your gift from Father Christmas upon arriving in Narnia, given to be used against the White Witch in battle. He gave that sword to you, specifically."
"I've trusted you to carry it in my place before, Ed. Why would this time be any different?"
"Because, Pete, whenever I've carried that sword before, it was until I could place it back in the hands of its rightful owner—you. If I carried it now…," he fell silent, unsure of how to voice what he was thinking.
"It was different this time because I wasn't there. You wouldn't have been carrying it in my defense, is that it?" asked Peter.
"Yes, something like that," Edmund agreed.
"Well, what's done is done. But I would have wanted you to have it. Remember that, Ed."
"I know, Pete." Edmund's smile was still tinged with sadness though. "It was somewhat of a let-down, though, to, first, be offered a sword, and then to receive a torch instead. It felt as though that's all I'd ever be good enough for, as though I'd never deserve anything of my own."
"Never say that, Ed. It's not true. You deserve a kingdom of your own, and more."
Edmund froze, immediately tensing at hearing Peter's choice of words, and recalled a similar conversation with Caspian of how he deserved more than playing second fiddle.
"Besides, that torch has been an effective weapon for you," said Peter in an attempt to lighten the mood that had settled over them.
"That's true," Edmund replied, granting Peter a faint but genuine smile to indicate that his goal had been met. He soon became serious once more though. "But carrying your sword would have been so definite, so final…I couldn't have born the pain that would have come with the realization that you weren't coming back, Peter. It was hard enough as it was…,"
Unable to hold back anymore, Edmund broke down crying, coming completely undone at the thought of being in Narnia without Peter, and, like rubbing salt in a wound, being offered a sword that represented all that Peter stood for—High King and protector of all Narnians and, most importantly, his brother. As such, it had always been his duty to guard Peter, occasionally having to bodily thrust himself between Peter and danger. Nevertheless, he'd taken pride in his brother's accomplishments, while personally choosing to remain on the sidelines, when given the option, rather than claim whatever glory was his. Peter's sword was a symbol of all that and more.
Over the years, Edmund had gone through several emotional breakdowns and was now quick at regaining his composure, sobs instantly quieting. As he continued to tell his story, recounting the slave traders and the Dufflepuds, Peter held on tight and listened intently, wordlessly offering his support and whatever comfort he could.
"After we left Coriakin's island, we were tossed about at sea by a storm that seemed to never end. The crew was getting anxious, and Lucy, Caspian, and I were plagued by bad dreams."
"What kind of dreams?" asked Peter warily, for he remembered numerous occasions back in Narnia where he'd been woken up by Edmund crying out for him in his sleep.
Edmund briefly closed his eyes, remembering the terror of that night:
"Come and take him then!" Peter declared, and, rather than raising his sword in defense of Edmund, he roughly shoved his brother into the path of the White Witch.
"Peter!" Edmund cried out as he fell, looking up at the brother he'd always adored and worshipped. "Why?"
"You betrayed me once. What's to stop you from doing so again?" he asked.
"I love you," Edmund blurted out.
"Love, ha! A traitor like you wouldn't understand the meaning of such a word," said Peter with a sneer.
"Peter!" Edmund cried out even as he let himself be dragged away by the Witch's servants.
"You don't need him, dear," the Witch whispered seductively, back in the safety of her icy palace. "Pledge yourself to me and I'll make you my king."
"NO!" Edmund yelled, fighting to free his arms from the chains that held him prisoner in the Witch's dungeon. "I don't want to be king without Peter."
"Edmund," she said in what was obviously meant to be a soothing, comforting tone, "Your brother cares only for himself. That was why he was so easily able to sacrifice you—it was for his own personal gain. You mean nothing to him."
"No," Edmund panted, his energy drained from struggling against the Witch's hold on him. "I don't care whether Peter wants me or not. I love him more than my own life, and I'll fight you until my dying day."
"Have it your way then," She replied, a threatening note entering her voice. "You'll soon wish you'd cooperated with me, though. Guards!"
Two of her minions entered the cell.
"You know what to do," she said.
The guards nodded, grinning evilly as they approached Edmund, who did his best to maintain a defiant expression on his face, even upon catching a glimpse of the whip in their hands. They released him from his binds only to strip him of his shirt and begin striking every inch of him that they could reach.
Imagining that his brother, the one who loved him unconditionally, stood before him, Edmund did his best to keep silent. Soon, though, the pain was too much to bear and he began to scream and cry and beg for mercy.
It was with a start that Edmund awoke on the 'Dawn Treader' to the sight of Jadis standing before him, beseeching him to join her. He drew his sword, only to discover that she was merely a figment of his imagination brought on by the green mist that seemed to be following them on their journey.
Lucy's entrance calmed him and gave him that much-needed connection to Peter, for Lucy had always looked up to Peter in the same way that Edmund himself did. He settled down for a peaceful night's sleep, Lucy wrapped tightly in his arms, Peter resting safely in his heart.
"Lion's Mane!" Peter sobbed as he crushed Edmund to his chest.
Edmund let Peter have his release, taking the tear stains on his shirt in stride, seeing as he'd done the same to Peter more times than he cared to remember.
When Peter was significantly calmer, he spoke, "You have to believe me, Ed. That would never have happened. I would rather she have taken me than let her come close enough to lay a hand on you."
"Shh, Pete, I know," whispered Edmund, rubbing his brother's arms and back in the same soothing manner that Peter did for him. "I think it was part of the mist's magic—revealing to us our worst nightmares. But I knew all the time that you would protect me with your life, just as I would for you."
Peter's response was to pull Edmund into his lap and hold him tight, rocking him like he would a small child. Though both boys—almost men—were growing in size and spirit, neither minded the humility that accompanied such an action, if anything, reveling in the comfort such contact brought.
They sat in silence for several minutes, enjoying the peace of mind they both felt at being reunited with their other half.
"I suppose I should let you get on with your story," said Peter at last.
Edmund shot him a grateful smile before speaking: "Eventually, we reached an island, seemingly deserted. Upon further investigation, Caspian, Lucy, and I found a pool, with a statue submerged in the water. It was Lord Restimar, and he'd been turned to gold!"
Peter gave a gasp at hearing this.
"It was horrible," Edmund continued, shuddering slightly as the memories overwhelmed him. He knew what was coming and he was ashamed, for he'd always valued Peter's good opinion and what he'd have to tell him would destroy any progress they'd made since the first anniversary of the Witch's defeat, a point in time at which they'd acquired true forgiveness, healing past wounds and causing the formidable bond they now shared to develop.
"Let's hope his transformation was painless," said Peter, blissfully unaware of Edmund's inner turmoil.
Edmund fell silent. How could he reveal to Peter, who he idolized, his own selfish greed and subconscious desire to rule alone?
"Ed, what is it?" asked Peter with trepidation, who sensed that the silence that had fallen over his brother did not bode well for whatever was to come.
"Something happened, Pete," he began quietly, "Something spooky, like an enchantment of some kind, affecting both me and Caspian."
Peter held him, gently rubbing his arms and back in a soothing motion, silently offering his support and urging Edmund to continue.
"I dipped a shell in the water and watched it turn to gold. I started going on about how rich Lucy and I would be, and how no one could tell us what to do. When Caspian said that we couldn't take anything out of Narnia, I turned on him. I said I wasn't one of his subjects and that I was tired of being overshadowed—first by you, then by him. I said that I deserved a kingdom of my own…I deserved to rule, whereas Caspian didn't because he doubted his own abilities." Here, Edmund gave a shuddering gasp at having shown the worst of himself to Peter. "Caspian and I started fighting. We'd drawn our swords and begun to duel when Lucy stepped in between us. Unwilling to harm her, we stopped to listen. She berated us for giving in to temptation and said that we should leave immediately."
Edmund was then overcome, once again, by great heaving sobs. Panting, though, he managed to say, "I didn't mean it, Peter. I loved ruling alongside you. I never felt less for not being the High King. It was the cavern, working its magic on us, that made me say those things. But I didn't mean it, Peter, I didn't mean any of it."
Collapsing back against his brother, Edmund allowed his tears to run their course, knowing that he'd be the better for having cried himself dry.
Dimly, he was aware of Peter's arms wrapped tightly around him, holding him up, rather than pushing him away, and rubbing his back in soothing circles, a familiar gesture that meant more to Edmund than anyone would ever know. It signified Peter's forgiveness, understanding, acceptance—and Edmund thanked Aslan daily for giving him such a brother.
"It's alright, Eddy, let it out," whispered Peter, over and over again.
The use of his old nickname, from when they were children, sent Edmund into another fit of hysterics that only lessened upon feeling Peter press a gentle kiss to his brow. Gradually, Edmund regained his composure, at last sitting up and facing Peter, shame-facedly.
"I'm sorry, Pete. I know I'm too old to be making such a scene."
"Nonsense, Eddy," was Peter's instant reply. "You're never too old to show what you're feeling. I'd be more worried if you bottled everything up inside."
Edmund shot him a timid smile before opening his mouth to speak.
Peter was quicker though. "Eddy, you said it yourself. The cavern put you and Caspian under a spell. Neither of you were responsible for your actions. I certainly don't blame you for anything that was said or done."
"But what if the cavern's magic was in getting us to speak our minds, to share our true feelings?"
"I doubt that was the case. If you'd ever truly wanted a kingdom of your own, all you would have had to do was stand aside in battle and let me fall, rather than constantly risk yourself for me as you did."
"That was because you were my brother and my king," Edmund replied instinctively. "I would have been failing in my duty to my family and my country if I were to let you die. But more importantly, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if there were a chance to save you and I didn't take it."
Edmund stopped speaking to look up at Peter, whose chest was shaking with suppressed laughter.
"See what I mean?" he asked. "You didn't even have to think. Your defense of me was natural. Does that sound like someone who would secretly wish for my demise?"
"No, I guess not," said Edmund, after taking a moment's pause to think over this new discovery. He continued, lowering his voice slightly, "You were rarely out of my thoughts, Peter. When Eustace, in his dragon form, carried me away and I called out to Lucy, I was really calling for you. If I was going to die, I wanted you to be the last thing I saw, if only in my mind."
"Oh, Ed, I'm always with you, right here," said Peter quietly, placing a hand over Edmund's heart.
"I know, Pete," said Edmund with a watery laugh, fighting back a lump in his throat that had formed as a result of Peter's words.
Slowly, Peter raised his hands to Edmund's face, gently brushing away his brother's tears with the pads of his thumbs. He brought their heads together, foreheads touching, and looked deep into Edmund's eyes, which had always been the portal to his soul. There, he saw unconditional love tempered with understanding, for, though there would be times when each would stumble, there was the unspoken promise of always being there to help the other pick himself back up and continue on their way, together.
"When we reached Dark Island," Edmund continued, "there was a moment, while readying ourselves for what was to come, that you seemed nearer to me than ever before. It was when Caspian said that he thought of me as his brother while helping me to secure my armor. It felt just like before, Pete, when we were in Narnia the first time. And when Caspian addressed the crew, it was exactly how you used to address our troops, with everyone cheering and yelling 'For Narnia!' and 'For Aslan!' "
"Those were the good old days," said Peter with a chuckle.
"Caspian gave me your sword," Edmund confessed quietly. "And, I have to say, I couldn't have made it without that part of you with me."
"Why is that?" Peter asked encouragingly.
"The Island contained pure evil, showing us our darkest thoughts and deepest desires. The Witch appeared to me, urging me to take her hand and let her make me her king. Without your sword to guide me, I would have been lost. It was you who spoke, through me, telling her that she was gone, that Aslan had killed her. Before fading away, though, she said that she would always live on in my mind! I found myself doubting everything I had ever accomplished since her downfall."
"You shouldn't doubt yourself, Ed. You're stronger than that. You're stronger than Her, for she lost her hold on you at Beruna, the moment you destroyed her wand."
"I realize that, now that I'm with you. Needless to say, I was grateful when it was all over. When the clouds covering Dark Island cleared, we found ourselves at the End of the World—Aslan's Country. Pete, I saw it. There was a continuous wave separating the beach we were standing on from His land, but I could still see the sky, and trees, and mountains. It was beautiful, and filled me with such awe that I could scarcely breathe."
"I'm sure it was magnificent, Ed," replied Peter, squeezing his shoulder companionably. "It's even more wonderful when you find Aslan here, in our world."
"Have you really found Him, Pete?" Edmund asked at last, having been mulling over Peter's words.
"Yes, Ed, I have. And it's glorious to know that nothing needs to change, for He is all around us. All we have to do is believe, and to have faith in Him."
"He said, before we left, that he is known by a different name here. What is it?"
"You must discover that on your own, Ed. Would Aslan wish for me to give you the answers?"
"No. He'd want me to learn for myself, because His lessons would have more meaning that way."
"That's right. You'll find Him, all in good time."
"Will you be with me, Pete?" asked Edmund worriedly.
"Every step of the way, I promise," Peter vowed, smiling down at his brother reassuringly.
Edmund was relieved, for when Peter made a promise, he stood by that promise until he had seen it through to the end.
And when the end came, in the form of a train crash, neither brother was alone, nor were they afraid, for they had each other.
Aslan's Country was just as stupendous as that brief glimpse had been many years ago, if not more so.
Edmund now understood Peter's earlier words, and he was glad that he'd found Aslan in England before entering His country in Narnia. His life's journey, and the adventures he'd had, held more meaning for him now, more wonder, upon learning of the sacrifice and immense suffering He had undergone for the sake of mankind.
Edmund had rid himself of any lingering bitterness and now all that remained was love—love for Aslan, love for Lucy, even love for Susan. Most of all, though, his heart was full of love for Peter, who was both a brother and king, and would be for eternity and beyond.