Okay so this is my first time writing any kind of fan fiction what so ever let alone being a btr one...a band I recently got into on January 15th of this year, but thanks to a certain friend of mine ~cough cough~ I decided to try my hand at it. XP so go ahead and read it please! this is in the form of a journal (James's journal) but really it's Kendall reading it. it may seem boring or repeat themes and such but try to stick with it, it's got a good plot I've been told...~shakes from nerves~ hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush even though the boys are locked up in my closet...poo lol

March 10th

I've decided I needed to start writing things, feelings and such, down because in all honesty I'm starting to get overwhelmed with everything going on in my life right now. Sometimes I miss the days before the band and the fame, when I was just plain old nobody James. I lived in a normal home with my parents and went to school without having tons of screaming girls promising their undying love to me and the guys didn't yell out derogatory homosexual terms at me.

But here, in this overpopulated and crowded city I'm miles away from everyone I used to know (except the guys of course) so I feel utterly exposed in a way. All my moves, even every facial tick, are open to the public to critique and guess at the secret meanings behind it and ready to label me as something just for a weeks worth of gossip and publishing to sell their magazines. They place all these expectations on my shoulders; be healthy, be a good role model, stay fit, be a ladies man, be classy, be a good musician, make hit songs, and so on. Who wouldn't feel trapped under all those expectations?

And I know I probably sound like a whining teen celebrity all bratty and what not. But they really have a basis of truth when they complain about it because I find myself working out every day to keep my body fit in between doing things for the band, signing autographs for the fans, keeping up my studies, and eating and sleeping. But I don't mind staying fit because I want to be healthy, who wouldn't, and since I'm provided the resources to keep my body in shape I should-and often times do- take advantage of it.

I don't mind being in shape or desirable as some might say…I wish I was desirable to a certain someone and not all these prissy girls who don't know a single thing about me. I'm sure if they did none of them would want to be with me in a romantic way. Well maybe some would, the crazy girls who go for guys like me. It's flattering having all those girls lust after me; it's a wonderful ego boost when I'm feeling down. But I feel so dissatisfied and that's probably because the one person I truly wish would want me is…well, this is hard to say, hard to admit to myself even on paper but I can't hide it from myself.

The person I really wish would desire me, my body, and my soul is none other than the pretty blonde head himself, Kendall Knight. But with everyone showing pretty clear signs that these feelings are wrong and are a sin against nature I find myself feeling disgusted sometimes. It's quite the inner turmoil since half of my being focusing solely on him, watching his movements, listening to everything that he says, noting it all. Every inflection he puts on words and the way his muscles slightly flex when he does something is stored away in that one section of my head that allows me to accept how I feel.

On the other hand, the one influenced by the main stream I feel ashamed. I'm a guy and guys are supposed to like girls. They don't fall for their best friend slash band mate who they share a room with! I get thrills and revulsions every time I find my mind wondering what it'd be like to feel his hands roaming the expanses of my body. Part of the reason I try to stay so fit isn't for the screaming girls, it's so that if I ever get my chance with him I can give him something beautiful. I can be the handsome guy he wants.

This morning I had to excuse myself from breakfast because I let my mind wonder way too far and wound up with a little problem in the nether regions. I can't even imagine the guys finding out why James Jr. was standing at attention. Or worse, Kendall knowing what indecent thoughts and pictures that debut in my mental picture show that airs on a daily basis.

I can't help but feel like a fake sometimes though. How can I sing about being your self and living life up because it's so short but yet half of me is hidden from absolutely everyone? I even tried to hide it from myself for the longest time. But that got way too tiring so I decided I'd at least admit it to myself. Take out one person that I don't have to lie to. Too bad that person was the only one who knew the truth anyhow. I'm trapped in my mind with a longing for something that's absolutely untouchable. I'm afraid to tell any one else because I'm terrified of being harassed or criticized for something completely out of my control.

I keep telling myself it's just a phase, just a crush that'll go away sooner or later. But of course I know that that's just a lie meant to make the sting of seeing him with Jo or talking about her worse. Take the edge off by the thought of the feelings fading away sometime. Looking forward to the days where he can tell me about their make-out sessions and I won't get absolutely jealous. It's my way out of the pain, like cutting or drugs only less harmful….maybe.

Maybe putting off the inevitable truth will only make it so much more painful when I let realizations hit me. Maybe it'll tear me apart so bad that I will resort to those more harmful and addictive pain relievers.

Well, time to go. I'm absolutely exhausted after finally ridding my confused brain of all these endless thoughts and worries and I have to get up early tomorrow to get ready for a shoot with the boys.

Bwahahaha! This is the beginning of your newest addiction :3 Don't you just love me for feeding your anti-social, always on the internet tendencies? Lol of course you do! Write a comment or something to let me know you read it. Oh and if you can think of a better title for this story I'm all ears! O.O Loves to all!