Mark
I really don't think it has stopped raining since I moved to this damn state. What the hell does the sun look like? I have no fucking clue. All I see when I look up is water and darkness in the clouds. Today they actually look pretty scary though. I think I heard something on the radio about a storm. I probably shouldn't have changed it from the weather to today's top 40 crappy songs. I can't believe I haven't seen Meredith at all in a few days. I've seen Izzie more than her I think. Thank god she is nice enough to bring me a burger once a week. I should pay her. No….on second thought I shouldn't. She is the one who offered me. Was that my pager that just went off? No. Ok this is why I want a cool ring tone for my pager so I know when it's mine. I would have something like "Baby Got Back" or something. Everyone would hate me. It would be wonderful. Oh great, there's Derek. Forced interaction alert.
"Mark." What the hell was that nod for? I should smack that smile off his face. Wait smile? He's smiling. I can't believe they're actually working this marriage out. What the hell is going on here? He better not be smiling because of Meredith. Oh shit, I think he's talking to me. Act interested. Pick up on a familiar word or two. "I shouldn't have said those things last week." By George, he is a brain surgeon after all. I wonder if he figured that out all by himself.
"No you shouldn't have." Well it's true. What the fuck was he expecting me to say back? 'Oh, Derek, you had me at hello. Let's go back to being bestest buddies.' Wrong, not going to happen in this life time.
"What you said about how I feel about Meredith…you were right. I guess I was just trying to protect her." Is he expecting me to forgive him or something? I don't quite see where this is going. Oh maybe he is in AA and this is of the steps.
"Protect her from herself or from me? Don't you think if you "love" her and "trust" her that you should respect her judgment?" Ten points for Mark! He shoots he scores. Nothing but net.
"You're Mark. You charm them, sleep with them, and leave them heart broken. It's what you do." All valid points I guess. Not true in this case though.
"Not when I care about them." There I said it. I care about her. That actually felt good.
"You can't possibly believe you are what's best for her." What the hell is this? First he wants me to accept his apology then he insults me. Does he think I am going to just sit here and take this?
"Oh and you are? Have you forgotten that you're still married? Do you think that you can go around doing things and there are no consequences for what you do? I own up to my mistakes. You somehow feel that you are immune. Things are not ok, Derek. Not between you and I, not between you and Addison, and certainly not between you and Meredith. You are not innocent in all of this. You are guiltier than anyone. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions. Addison has and I have and you know what? You chose to make your marriage work so stop crying about Meredith because she isn't yours to protect, she isn't yours to get jealous over, and she certainly isn't yours to love." You've said enough. Leave him to fucking drown in that for a while. It's 6am and already I need a drink. It's going to be a long day. Oh great, here comes Addison…smiling as well. Weird. I know she's not smiling about Meredith, that's for sure.
"Hey Mark." Why can't they just leave me alone? I'd give anything for Karev's nose up my ass instead of their trying to be friends crap. They must be in some kind of therapy.
"Addison." Short and sweet, that's what will make her go away.
"You haven't been answering my calls." Duh! Newsflash, you picked Derek and I have moved on. Stings a little, doesn't it? You're stuck in a loveless marriage while I am as happy as a clam. Are clams even that happy?
"I know. There is a reason for that."
"I thought we could still be friends." She must be on some kind of crack or maybe the rain has washed away her brain. What the hell is going on in this place? Am I on candid camera or is this really my life?
"I don't know where you got that idea, Addison. You kill my baby. You come out here to chase after Derek. We were trying and you left. I know I messed up by sleeping with that nurse but you wouldn't stop talking about him. What was I supposed to do?" Why are we even going down this road? This is not where I wanted to end up. Pleading my case for a jury who has already come up with a verdict, this is stupid.
"Not sleep with her?" Damn your logic, woman! I need to get back on topic or this will turn very dark very fast. I shouldn't have brought up the baby. That was low even for me. Fuck her, she deserves it. Just like Derek she needs to take responsibility for what she has done.
"We can't be friends. Definitely not now and I am not sure about ever. You are trying with Derek and I am happy with Meredith. You and I together is bad news and we both know it." This hurts a lot worse than I thought it would.
"Yeah…about Meredith. I can't believe you…"
"Save it. I don't need a lecture and I don't need to be judged. Let me just be happy. That's all I want for you. Why can't I have it too? Do you want to be selfish just like Derek? It's not going to happen. Some times the grass really is greener." The grass is greener? A jury with a verdict? Where the hell am I getting all these metaphors from all of a sudden? It must be the rain. It's messing with my head.
"You would rather have her than us? You'd known her for what…a month? You've known us for a lifetime." Why is she making this so hard? We're supposed to be moving on. It's what she wanted.
"When I am with her I feel at peace but when I am with you or Derek I just want to run in the other direction. People change, Addie, it's time to move on." I finally said it. I have to move on. It's time to make my own life and my own friends and my own decisions. I just hope that it's all worth it. I'm giving up everything for this new life. So far it has been a pretty amazing ride. What the fuck was that? Thunder? Lightning. Oh shit the power is out. I have to get to the chief. Was that my phone?
Text message from Meredith: Stuck in elevator…Derek is here.
Great.
Meredith
It is really windy out there. That tree's branches are almost touching the hospital. Did they say anything about rain? Did I even listen to the news on the way in? No, I think Izzie and George were talking about something and I zoned out completely. It would probably be a great night to get laid. I'll have to invite Mark over later. Right now I should probably pay attention to this C-Section. Why I keep getting stuck with Addison is beyond me but I am pretty sure someone is out to get me. I don't know if it's God or Bailey or perhaps a little bit of both. Addison is better than Derek though. Yeah, Meredith keep telling yourself that. They're equally as bad. It's awkward with Addison and when I am with Derek he can't stop looking at me. I don't even think he tries to hide it either. The man has no shame. I am just happy that after this surgery I can go home. Weird shift times are good for the soul. Here is the ultimate test. Does she finally say something to me in the scrub room? Let's find out. I really hope I didn't forget my lotion today. That crap I borrowed from Cristina last time smelled like ass.
"You really know your babies, Dr. Grey." How did I know that today was going to be the day? It's probably because of the damn tree touching the building. That's right. I am blaming a tree for my misfortune. I wonder if that same tree was there when Thatcher left. Ok, way off topic. I should probably answer her.
"I studied for it last night." Who is she kidding? This is just really too awkward for both of us.
"So you and Mark now." Now? What does she mean by now? I stepped aside and gave Derek back. What more does she want from me? Probably my head on a platter.
"Mark and I are seeing where this goes." And that's all the bitch needs to know. It's really none of her business anyway. She left him. He's fair game and I just happened to pounce. Or did he pounce? Ok he definitely pounced. But I was there…ready and willing…after some tequila…a lot of tequila. Well all that doesn't matter now because I said I want more than sex first and that's what counts.
"Mark isn't a 'seeing where this goes' kind of guy." I really don't want to be having this conversation with her. I can't be rude. She's my boss. I need to escape.
"People can change, you know." I really need to get out of here. I've washed my hands how many times just trying to keep the room from being a total awkward silence.
"No, I know Mark, he doesn't change for anyone." Ok she obviously wants to have this conversation right now. Where the hell is Cristina to save me when I need her?
"So why did you pick Derek if you obviously still have feelings for Mark?" Why? Why did I go there? I honestly don't care. I don't want to know. I don't have to know. Ok maybe a little part of me wanted to know but I could live without knowing.
"Because Mark is Mark and Derek is my husband. I love Derek, I do…" Keep telling yourself that. Maybe one day you'll actually believe it.
"So that explains all the sex with the best friend. I understand perfectly now." I am asking to be put on scut for the rest of my life. Shut up, Meredith.
"You understand nothing. You don't understand the l…"
"Life of a surgeon? You're right. I know nothing about that. Maybe you can teach me some time." Please leave the room before she gets you kicked out of the program, you idiot. Stop fighting with her. She could so kick your ass. "Uh…bye." Graceful, really graceful. Let's just get to the elevator before something else happens. Elevator full of doctors and none of them are Derek. Things are looking up. Crap where are they all going? Crap I spoke too soon. Crap it's just us. He looks as sulky as ever. I don't even think that is a real adjective. Just look straight ahead. Pretend he's not there. Did the lights just flicker? Oh shit, they're off. We're not moving.
"It looks like I broke it." This is probably the worst thing that can happen and he's making jokes. I am seriously not in the mood for his jokes right now. I need to sit down. I should text Mark to let him know where I am.
Text message to Mark: Stuck in elevator…Derek is here.
I'm sure that won't panic him or anything. My theory is right though. Bailey didn't cause the power to go out so God is definitely to blame for all of this. What the hell did I ever do to him anyway? Well I guess there was that one time in high school when I had sex in that church but that wasn't my idea.
"Meredith…"
"Don't." I just need to pretend like I am somewhere else right now. I need to pretend I am in my bed sleeping. Nobody is around me. Nobody has sat down next to me. And nobody is definitely not looking at me.
"Meredith, please just talk to me." What is there to talk about? I don't want to say anything to him.
Text message from Mark: Don't have sex with him.
Oh he is really funny.
"Some weather we're having, huh?" You should have just stayed quiet. Close your eyes. Just close your eyes. Maybe you can fall asleep and he will leave you alone.
"You know that's not what I mean." He's seriously begging for me to yell at him, isn't he? I am too tired for that right now. I just can't.
"Fine. You want to talk? We can talk. When were you planning on telling me?" We might as well just get this out now so we can never speak of it again. He obviously won't let me sleep.
"Everything just happened so fast. I wanted to tell you. I did." Yeah…right. You only say that because you got caught.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me fall in love with you? How could you just humiliate me like that? I went from intern that's sleeping with her boss to slut who has slept with a married man and then you go and choose to be with her. I just don't understand. I don't want to either. You're obviously not the man I thought you were." Why are you even telling him? He doesn't care. You shouldn't waste your breath. I feel trapped. I can't get out. I'm stuck with him. Stuck to talk about what happened between us when I have tried so hard to run away from them. I don't want to be here. I'd rather be anywhere but here in this moment.
"Meredith, I wish I knew. You don't deserve such a shitty answer but it's all I've got. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid of losing you. That doesn't justify it but it's true. I didn't mean for this to happen. The last thing I wanted to do is make you cry." Well it's definitely too late for that.
"You have a real funny way of showing it." Please tell me they're going to get the power up soon. The generator should be kicking in at any moment. Please get me out of here. I don't know how much I can take.
Holy crap the light's are back on, it's a miracle. "Light's are back. And it looks like we're moving" Thank God. "I know I've messed up. If I could make it up to you I would." I don't even want you to. "I just hope that we all can come out of this as friends." Friends? Who is he kidding? That's never going to happen.
"I don't think so. Even a friendship needs trust and I just can't ever trust you again." I should probably stand up. My floor is coming up.
"And you trust Mark? The biggest man whore I know."
"He's never given me a reason not to." He hasn't. Not once. Finally, here is my floor. That couldn't have come in a better time. I needed to get out of there. I just need to get home and get some sleep. I don't even think I am going to change out of my scrubs. I am too tired. I just need to get my bag and I will get going. I'll call Mark later to tell him what happened and to let him know things are going to be ok.