Hey guys! Back for another chapy….hope you all will enjoy this one! If anyone has any type of criticism about my writing or the story or anything please let me know! If not then I'll just keep writing it the way I am and you will be frustrated with it but it's all your fault cuz you didn't tell me. :P

Disclaimer: Yes, yes I do own James Diamond, Kendall Knight and all things Big Time Rush….in my alternate world in my mind! :3

April 20th

I feel utterly lousy today. Not in a oh-I'm-sick kind of way but a I-feel-disgusting-and gloomy kind of way. I know it's ridiculous but I feel like everything I eat, even if it's only one little freaking grape, feels like five pounds sitting in my stomach making me feel like a giant tub of lard. What's worse is the indecisiveness! I feel like puking it all up (well, what little is there) or working out for hours but I can't find the will to get up off my bed to do anything. I want to do everything but nothing at all in the same breath. I'm snippy whenever someone tries talking to me and then I feel utterly horrible for being such a douche. I feel like I'm wasting a perfectly fine day but I can't figure out what to do with it.

Is this how pregnant women feel? Because if so then I'm so glad I'm not a girl. I got really grumpy with Kendall this morning and after he left the room I cried for about fifteen minutes. They're all giving me my space which only makes me feel worse, like I'm some dark cloud lingering by. I feel like I'm making them watch what they say or do so I don't go into a nonsensical rampage. Basically, I feel like a burden.

I've felt like this before, but never as strongly as I do right now. Maybe I'm bipolar or something. Then I'd probably get kicked out of the band. Who would want to have to worry if their band mate is going to have n episode onstage? Ugh, I feel like I'm just throwing a stupid pity party for myself. Someone needs to just slap me in the face and tell me to get over myself…

I have an English assignment due in a couple days so I've used that as my excuse for locking myself up in the room. Plus that gives them a reason for not bothering me, aside from the moody aspect. Which it's not a whole lie, I do have an assignment but I already finished it the other day because tonight I have to get on the plane to head home to Minnesota to visit with my parents for a week. So I finished it up so that one of the guys could turn it in for me while I'm gone.

I wonder what it feels like to have a mental breakdown…or better yet; what are the warning signs?

A couple hours later…

I broke down and cried a few minutes ago. More like sobbed really. I decided to go for a walk, my "cheating" exercise when I don't want to go weight lifting. And about three-fourths the way back I felt it hit me, the crushing feeling of…I dunno what it is exactly. The truth maybe? The stuff I usually block my mind from going near because it's too sore, and it all just popped up because of the stupid song that I happened to be listening to at that moment. It was "Feels Like Tonight" by Daughtry. (You put songs in "" right? I never can remember….)

It made me remember a couple years ago when all of us guy still lived in Minnesota and we were at the homecoming dance. Logan asked BreAnna, the cute girl in my Spanish II class who I was majorly crushing on at the time, to dance with me because I was too scared to ask her myself. After the dance Kendall stayed at my house and helped me demonstrate to my parent s the wonderful dance I'd shared with BreAnna. I remembered Kendall and I breaking into laughter as he pretended to be a girl and my parents smiling at us, at each other. Kendall looked so handsome that night with his hair still slightly damp from dancing in the stuffy gym. I think my heart jumped more in our mock dance then when I danced with BreAnna!

Like I said though, it started with that song and it seemed like every song afterwords only pulled up more memories and pushed away feelings and I had to sprint to make it back to 2J before losing it. I burst into the house and headed straight for mine and Kendall's room. The guys were playing Halo Reach in the living room so after I grabbed clothes I mumbled bout taking a shower as I headed for the bathroom.

Once I shut the door I could feel the tears prickling up. I turned the water on and by the time I got in the tears was pouring down my face. I just sat, balled up on the tub floor crying while the hot water splattered over my face and body. Thankfully I've been known for my vanity o no one thought anything about how long I was taking. It felt so wonderful to finally let everything out.

The shower is the best place to cry. No one will walk in on you, hear you, or notice the tear marks. My eyes must have been slightly red once I got out of the shower because Carlos mentioned that they looked puffy and asked what was wrong. I just said that I had gotten soap in them when I was washing my hair. Sometimes I wish they weren't so easily fooled. But I guess, if I really did want them to see the truth then I'd just tell them in the first place.

But I've got to get going because I still have a few things to pack and I have to leave for my plane ride here in a half hour. I'm nervous to go into the hot zone, but I should be able to handle it. Write you before bed!

Around 1 a.m.….

I've just arrived home at Dad's. I'm staying here since mom's apartment doesn't have a spare bedroom. It's weird how the whole house has changed except my room. Mom's been getting things from the house, dad's been rearranging thing so that mom's stuff is in the entrance for her to get, but my room is exactly the way I left it. It's hard for me to remember the divorce when I step in here because it's….untouched. It's like going back in time really.

I like being and Dad's because he doesn't pry. I do my thing and he does his and same things we do together. It's nice to see him though, and I can see the small signs that he's struggling. Like the five o'clock shadow, Dad always hated having facial hair-even stubble- and under his eyes are slightly darker.

I went to supper with mom when I got off the plane. Ugh, being with her was just as torturous as I imagined. The minute I got to her in the airport she was smothering me. She bounced around the tiny apartment showing me her new home and raved about how great it was living there. I instantly learned not to mention dad what-so-ever, not even small cute stories, because she managed to use it to make him look bad.

I told her about how he didn't have any conditioner (not uncommon for a man with a buzz cut) and she used it to make him sound like he was so lost in self-pity that he couldn't even get the essentials. Lesson Learned! I definitely won't bring up mom around dad, unless I'm letting him know I'm going over there.

I felt bad telling him, I felt like he was thinking that I would leave him just like she did and guilt ran through me. But I decided not to play favorites, as best I can, and to divide my time fairly even between the two but the sadness on dad's face when I left hurt badly. I can't believe I've stuck myself up here for a whole week. I could always call Mamma Knight, have her pick me up early, but then there would be a bunch of questions I don't want to answer or more likely lie about.

But back to my supper with mom…she dropped some major news on me and it's kinda got me freaking out majorly. She told me that with divorce and alimony and all that crap that neither one of them is going to be able to afford to keep me in California so I'm going to have to move home again. And seeing as to how I'm not 18 yet I can't tap into my bank account that's got the money from all the band profits so I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm in a terrible place that seems like either way I'm going to have to explain to the guys and Katie or Mamma Knight what is going on. And knowing them they're going to offer to pay for me to stay and then I'd feel like a free-loading lazy friend. I've thought about getting a job on the side to help cover costs, maybe talk to Griffin or Kelly about the situation and work out some payment plan. I wish I didn't have to tell anyone about it but I'm kind of being forced to explain it to someone. I'll probably go to Griffin first, he's not all emotional and I won't have to worry about him bringing it up around the guys or Gustavo.

My stomach is turning with acid again from all the stress…and it hasn't even been a full day! I'm supposed to spend all day tomorrow with mom and she wants to take me around to meet with a bunch of her church friends including Dina and her son Thomas. I used to be friends with him when I was younger but then we became enemies, for no reason really except the fact that he became an annoying whiner about everything. It's been years since I've seen either one of them and I'm nervous but excited because I get to kind of gloat a little in his face. Last time he saw me I was still chunky and extremely awkward.

I actually spent about two hours trying to figure out what I was going to wear tomorrow for our lunch date. It was extremely comforting, something that I did even before the divorce, something normal. Plus it took my mind off of everything of course. What's that saying; empty hands make for the devil's playground? I dunno, something like that.

I wish Kendall were here with me. It'd be so much easier to get through if I could come to bed and fall asleep listening to the light and even breathing beside me that I've become extremely used to hearing.

Okay, so I've finally started picking it up a little and getting into one of the big plots of this story. To anyone who's still reading this thing, thank you! Lol I've caught up with what I had already had wrote out for this story so it may take me a while to update cuz I'm all out of pre-thought out plot line…_ I swear this story has a really good twist at the end if you guys can just stick with me long enough. Whenever I start to drag it out or whatever just give me a cyber-butt kicking and tell me to kick it back in to gear! I swear I'll take no offense to it what so ever. :) Farewell my fellow Kames lovers….until the next installment! ~flies off into the sunset~ hehe