For a moment I just stood outside the door of our room. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do, what to think. I couldn't go to Al. He had a room for just one because it was Susan's old room. I knew he'd take me in but I wasn't in the mood of confronting him. He'd ask questions and he'd probably make me go and speak with Susan. And.. He just wasn't the person I wanted to be with right now. He was Susan's best friend. I could ask him to go look after Susan. She was wounded and all.. But I didn't want to. I decided not to. It felt bad but no, I wasn't going to meet Al. But if Susan will hurt herself and she has no one there. I should tell Alfred that she was alone. But then I'd leave. Yes.
I started walking towards his room. I didn't know what to say. And what would I do after that? Blake and Kenneth. I didn't want to disturb them but.. I had no other place to go now. Soon I had arrived at Al's door and I knocked carefully and then harder. The door opened.
"Max? What are you doing here at this hour? Is Susan okay?" he asked worried.
"I uhm.. We had a fight and she's alone in our room so could you.." I tried to explain. I looked at his pleadingly and he looked back accusingly. I knew he'd want me to go and talk with her.
"You should go there yourself, Max" he replied.
"I can't.. I.. It was about something very important to me and.. Just, please, go there, okay?"
He looked at me a bit angrily but then sighed. I knew he understood but still wanted me to go to talk to her myself.
"Okay. But promise you will talk to her tomorrow, little buddy", he nodded as he spoke.
"Thank you. I'll.. go now."
He nodded, disappeared in the room and shut the door. That went suprisingly well. I turned and walked away. Which room was Blake and Kenneth's again? Two hundred and something.. 201? Maybe. I hoped so. I didn't want to disturb anyone random.
When I knocked on the door of room number 201 it was Blake that opened it. So, I remembered correctly. He wasn't wearing his hat and his normally combed hair pointed at every direction possible.
"What do you want?" He didn't sound angry or annoyed. He just spoke that way.
"I.. can I stay here this night?" I asked uneasily. Whoa, asking was so uncomfortable.
"Troubles with love, hm, mate?"
"Something like that", I answered and scratched the back of my head. He laughed a bit and replied:
"There shouldn't be something like that in army. Come in."
I stepped in and looked around. There was no one in the room but us. The room was small and there was only one bed.
"I thought you lived with Kenneth", I stated and raised my eyebrows.
"Nah, he lives in 204 with some guy called Norman", Blake explained and sat on his bed. He patted the bed and invited me to sit next to him. I did so.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. I thought for a second and then I shook my head. After a while I started to talk:
"I.. we.. We fought.. About my past I guess."
I looked at him and he nodded.
"I.. Fuck.. Sorry, I can't tell", I sighed and buried my face in my hands.
He put his hand on my shoulder and said:
"Mate, you can tell anything to me. I am a rock, let me say. I won't tell anything to anyone. And I won't be shaken about anything."
I felt like what he said was true but I just couldn't tell. I shook my head. For a while we sat in silence and then the sniper took his hand from my shoulder and started to talk:
"When I was young I lived at home with my sisters. My dad, Andrew, was in war and my mom, Thelma, was dead. She died when she gave birth to my youngest sister Abby. I had three younger sisters: Abby, Angela and Nancy. I also had two older sisters: Monica and Tanya. Tanya was the oldest. Tanya and the youngsters thought it was horrible that our dad was in war and Monica and i were the only ones being sane about it. We older kids also blamed mom's death on Abby. We really made her life hard. Yes, we were assholes like that."
Blake was silent for a moment and looked at me. I smiled at him a bit and nodded. He smiled back.
"We really took it too far. She was small and weak because we didn't feed her enough and we bullied her. Verbally mostly but physically too. And one day she ran away and didn't come back. She probably died in the woods. Most of my sisters felt bad about it but I didn't. I was happy that she was gone and that we didn't have that many mouths to feed. And then I had this idea. Angela was only a bit older than Abby and couldn't do much work either. So she was useless and we had to feed her too. What if she'd disappear too? One night I asked her to come with me to get some wood and killed her. I murdered my own sister. To my other sisters I told that she had gone too far away from me and a big mountain lion killed her", he told me and went silent again. I hadn't prepared to hear that. I didn't feel like I was the worst person in the world after all.
"You wanted to kill her?" I asked.
"I wanted to make our life easier."
I nodded. Our pasts were kind of similar.
"I killed my brother", I told him.
"You don't seem like that kind of guy. How's so?" he asked from me and looked at me questioningly. I leaned a bit forward and answered:
"You don't seem like that kind of guy either. I was angry and accidentally pushed him from the second floor. He didn't die but he was badly injured. He let me kill him and go to the army for him. Oh, and I killed my mother too. Because I knew that was the best for her."
"Hm? Go to the army for him?" he asked curiosity in his voice, and I realized I had said too much. Shit. Could I explain this thing to him? I trusted him but..
"I uhm.. He was going to go and.. I couldn't. I wanted to. We are twins", I tried to explain. I was almost panicking.
"So you wanted to go and he was going? Were you angry about that?" Blake asked. He was catching up quickly.
"Uh.. Yes."
"Why couldn't you?"
And there it came. I took a deep breath and answered to his question:
"They don't let women in here."
There were silence. I was scared and on his face was his normal expression. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
"So you're a girl", he stated. He scratched his cheek and then turned to look at me. He smiled.
"So, Max is your brother's name? What's your name?"
"My name? Uh.. Mathilda", I responded and gave him a relieved grin
"Nice. What were you and Susan fighting about? You being a girl?" he inquired.
"She said that.. I don't care about her and I could just kill her.. That I had brutally murdered my loved ones", I explained and I felt like I was going to cry. I hadn't cried in army. Not even once.
"She shouldn't say such a thing when she doesn't know everything", Blake said. He had spoken much more than I had ever heard him speak.
I smiled at him but I couldn't stop the tears. Soon warm salty water drops spilled from my eyes and the sniper looked like he didn't know what to do. I lowered my head and wanted to apologize. Soon I was sobbing and my body was shaking.
Suddenly I felt arm around me and after I realized that Blake was hugging me I leaned in him. I pressed my face against his chest. I felt safe. Loved. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to press him against my aching chest. I wanted the pain to be gone. When we hugged I felt his fingers in my hair, petting my head. It felt so weird. Blake had never been emotional and here he was with me. I hoped it would be Susan. It would be Susan who understood me and who held me. It hurt me that it wasn't so. I held Blake tighter against me.
After a while my sobbing stopped and Blake let me go from his embrace. He took my face between his hands and dried my tears. He smiled at me. He was so close I could feel his breath. It was warm like his embrace had been. I pressed my face against his. I loved the feeling of skin. I needed to be close. Close to someone. I needed someone to take care of me for once. When I closed my eyes I felt his lips against mine. It startled me. This was wrong. This wasn't the one I loved. But the one I loved didn't want me anymore. She thought I was wrong. I was detestable. A monster. This man didn't think so. He wanted to comfort me. So I stopped thinking and answered to his kiss.
I pressed my lips against his. His hands were on my back. Stroking, touching. Soon we were laying on the bed, grinding, kissing and grunting. Suddenly a thought popped into my head: he really must be in need. This was army. Not like you get laid every other night. I realized what I was doing. And with who. My desperate search for pleasure and comfort stopped. I wasn't for him. And he wasn't for me. It may be that he could freely seek pleasure and maybe comfort too like this but it wasn't like that to me. I had someone. Some one who trusted me. Or maybe she didn't. But I wanted to be worth her trust. So I stopped.
"Blake, no."
He stopped and looked at me confused.
"You don't want to?"
"No I don't.. I am sorry but I have Susan", I answered. I looked at him apologetically. I didn't want to disappoint him. I didn't want to do this to him after he had been so nice to me.
"I know. This one time, please?"
I looked at him and frowned.
"No."
"Damn, and I thought for once I could get laid", he grinned. I smiled. He didn't think anything bad about me. I hugged him.
"I thought we were not going to do it", he chuckled.
"We are not!" I laughed against his chest. He felt almost like a different person. I pulled back and looked at him.
"Don't tell her, okay? I.. should I go back?"
"I won't. And you can stay if you want to. But I still got a boner", he said and gave me a crooked smile.
"Go jack off in the bathroom or something", I giggled and pushed him.
"Fine, fine", he said and put his hands up as in a surrender. He got up and grinned at me. Then he walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
I laid in the bed and when he was gone I felt empty. Sorrow started to get its hold on me and I thought about Susan. I was a bad girlfriend. And with those thoughts I fell asleep.
"Hey, wake up!"
I felt something shaking me. I opened my eyes. Blake.
"Did you have a bad dream or something?" he asked.
Now I remembered. It was something about Susan.
"Yes.. A nightmare. It was Susan.. I think I.. killed her. I thought she was my enemy and.." I frowned as I tried to remember. I also realized what had happened last night.
"Hey, Blake, I have to go back now", I said and sat up.
"Relax, it's only four am."
"No.. I'll go.."
He nodded.
"It's okay. If you feel like that then go", he said and sat up too. Suddenly I felt disgusted with myself and the fact I had slept next to Blake. And had kissed him. Several times.
I climbed from the bed and walked towards the door. I hit my toe on something.
"FUCK!"
It really did hurt like fucking hell.
"You okay?" I heard the sniper's voice.
"Yeah, yeah", I mumbled and kept going. Finally I reached the door.
"Max. No hard feelings between us, right?"
I turned my head so I was facing the dark room and answered:
"No, Blake. No hard feelings. Thank you."
I opened the door and left the room quickly. I furiously searched for the room 136.
140.. 139.. 138.. 139.. 137... 136.
I stopped. The room number 136. I opened the door carefully. It was dark in the room.
"Max?"
It was Susan's voice. I closed the door and searched for the light switch. When I found it and switched the lights on I saw Susan sitting in between our beds. We had combined them when we started sleeping together but now my girl was sitting between them. Her eyes were red and puffy. I walked there and gave my hand to her.
"Get up from there, little one", I said and smiled. She smiled back at me and took my hand. I pulled her up. After she had climbed over the bed she hugged me. Tightly.
"Don't leave me ever again", she ordered me and hugged me even more tightly.
"I won't, love. I won't", I promised
"Let's sleep now, okay? We can.. talk tomorrow."
She nodded and she was crying again.
"Don't cry, little bird", I said and wiped her tears away.
She nodded again and hugged me. I put her in the bed and went to switch off the lights.
"Don't leave", she pleaded.
"The lights", I replied and smiled at her.
Soon we were in our bed and she was safely in my arms.
"I love you", I whispered.
"I love you too."
I had hell of a lot of explaining to do tomorrow. But I was happy now.