The following day I spoke with Susan. Told her about what I felt, what I thought and things about my past. She told me that she hadn't meant it, she had just been angry, hurting and just generally in a bad mood. She had told it kind of bugged her but not like that and after my explanations she said it was okay. I believed her. The thing that kept bugging me days after that was Blake. Or more like what happened with him. I was supposed to tell her about it but I couldn't when things were good again and all.

And with Blake everything was quite normal. He was his normal self even if he did sometimes smile at me more than before and sometimes when we were alone he said something suggestive but nothing bad. Just joking around.

After a week or so after a battle with team red I sat outside smoking with Blake. I hadn't smoked before but when I started hanging out with the sniper I had started smoking occasionally.

"I'm running out of cigs, really. I shouldn't offer you any", Blake said after he had just lighted and given me one. Now he was lighting another one for himself.

"You don't have to. You know I don't exactly need them", I replied and took a drag of my fag. I loved the feeling of smoke dwelling inside me when I inhaled it.

"I know. I'm going to charge soon. One cig for one kiss", he chuckled. I frowned at him but then laughed.

"Starting now."

I raised my eyebrow but instead of answer I got a pair of lips against mine. I couldn't help kissing back. Blake was so easy to like. Usually silent but when he spoke he had something to say that at least I wanted to hear. He just didn't chitchat all the time. He was a sarcastic person and got the irony that I also saw in almost everything. He was funny when he wanted to and even if he usually didn't show much emotion he could be emotional when it came to it.

Wait a second. I was with Susan and here I was, kissing a guy and thinking how nice it was. There was a lot of good things in Susan too. I loved her temper. It could be very bad also but I loved it. She was pretty cheery and happy usually. She talked much and I Ioved listening to her. She was beautiful and soft and an awesome fuck. Perfect lover. And pretty much opposite of Blake. Not entirely though, she was funny too. I enjoyed company of both of them. But I loved Susan. I didn't know if I was crushing on Blake or what but this wasn't right. I was in love with that lady scout and this guy wasn't going to ruin it. I had to tell Susan.

"What?" I asked angrily when I pulled away from the kiss.

"Just a kiss. No need to get angry" he answered and shrugged.

I just got up, threw my cig away and went back in.

It was night and I was laying in the bed with Susan. I decided I had to tell her now or I would never be able to do it.

"Hey, love, I have to tell you something that has been bugging me.."

"Yes? Tell me."

"I.. remember when I told that I was with Blake that night? Stayed in his room", I tried to tell her and I could tell from her expression that she already had an idea what I was about to say.

"He.. kissed me."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she asked. She wasn't angry but she sounded a bit sad.

"I couldn't. I.. It wasn't all. We made out and.." I stopped when I saw her face. She looked shocked and after that she looked angry. Tears became visible in her eyes and soon they were rolling down her cheeks. I tried to fix the situation:

"Hey, let me speak. I love you. I just needed comfort and I didn't think clearly."

"You just needed comfort? Well, do you think that I didn't? I had Al visiting me and did I fuck him? No, I didn't. You just go and whore around when we have a fight. And guess what? Now he knows too! About you being a girl, I mean. And he can blackmail you with it, can't he?", she almost raged. I felt so bad. My chest ached and my breathing got caught in my troath. I could feel that I was about to cry too.

"I didn't fuck him. And even if I did tell him I'm a girl, you know he wouldn't do something like that. You don't know how it was.. He told me about his past. He had.. done something similar. And you hurt me so badly, it was just so easy.. But I stopped him. We didn't fuck", I tried to explain calmly.

"You just don't fucking love me. You should go and fucking have an orgy of family murderers", she replied and her crying got louder.

I could feel her words making wounds inside me. Gashes throbbed and ached inside me. Pain crawled under my skin and I wanted it out. I felt like scratching my arms but I controlled myself and instead of that I spoke:

"I love you. I want to live with you. I am so sorry I did it. I won't do it again. I need you to trust me. Do you still want me?"

Susan was silent for a while. She just cried. Snot and tears covered her face. I resisted my need to wipe it all away.

"I want you. I love you. If you love me, you will not be with him anymore. At all", she demanded.

"I won't. It'll be hard because we're friends but.. I'll tell him to go the fuck away. Maybe that'll work. I am sorry. I love you", I sobbed. I crawled closer to her and she hugged me. It made the pain dull.

"I love you too.. Do you know how.. Just don't do that anymore. I can not take it", she told me and I nodded against her chest. I had hurt her badly. She had hurt me too but what I did was just.. wrong. Of course what she did was wrong too but I didn't want to lose her. And she had a reason to be angry.. right? I was a monster that had killed it's family. I was going to keep this family. I was going to keep Susan.

"I won't do that. I love you. Don't ever leave me alone", I pleaded and hugged her close. I hated it how she made me so vulnerable but I still loved her. And I wanted to. It wasn't bad loving her. There were always troubles in relationships. I decided that I would be worth her love and I'd take her away from this war and live with her. Have a life with her. She'd be my family.

"I won't. I am sorry too."

I nodded and kissed her. This'd be my new start.

Starting my so called new life was at first kind of hellish. I had to get rid of my friend. Or friends. Kenneth would go if Blake did. So I'd have less friends. It wasn't that bad because I hadn't had any friends before Al and Susan. But losing was hard.

Next time Blake came to me when I was eating with Susan in the canteen I had to do it. Susan looked at me waitingly.

"Blake", I said before he sat down, "You can not sit there."

He looked at me questioningly.

"And why not, mate?"

"Just because... I. Do. Not. Want. To. See. You", I spelled out for him.

"Oh", he just said and walked away. I knew he knew. It was because of it.

It hurt. It really did but I couldn't do anything about it. I just had to keep living with it. Maybe it will dull some day. I had Susan. It didn't hurt with her. Usually. And she was there for me when it did. But every night when she fell asleep I laid awake with my thoughts and sometimes I even cried.

Why couldn't this war end? Why could this pain end? I didn't want to be miserable but I didn't know how I could not to be. And I was happy. I really was but there was always something there I didn't want to admit. I had to ignore it so I could be happy. So I could have my new start and be happy. I wondered how long it would take to be happy.