When there were no battles I spent my time with Susan. I looked after her till she got better and when she got better I still followed her like a disease. She didn't seem to mind. In fact she seemed to be happy that I was glued to her.

I didn't know if I was happy or not. I had no freedom. Of course Susan wouldn't have stopped me if I was about to go and have my personal time. Of course not. But it wasn't an option. I didn't want her to think I sneaked out to see Blake. I wouldn't ever do that but I knew she'd suspect me.

There was an another reason too. I couldn't be without her. When I wasn't with her it hurt like no tomorrow. My body started to ache and I got anxious and lonely. It hurt what I had done to Susan and it hurt what I had done to Blake. And to myself. I had done it all myself and it all hurt me. It was my fault and I was going to suffer.

I was addicted to her. She was my pleasure, my love, my life. She was the drug that dulled my pain. I lived for her and only her. I needed to make her life good. I needed to be good for her. No. I needed to be the best for her. And it hurt that I wasn't. I tried but I wasn't. And she kept reminding me about that. My mistakes, what I had done wrong. I could never make it better. I could never make up for my mistakes even if I tried as hard as I could. But still.. it was my responsibility to make her life as good as it could be now. I wanted to. I needed to. Because I loved her. I loved her way too much and I was all hers.

Of course I was happy in my own way. I was happy that I could do my duty and.. serve Susan. I loved being with her and I loved making her happy. Even if the past bothered me. Even if I had to stand my loved one's anger and accusations. I knew she didn't want to hurt me and was suffering herself. Because of me. So it was right that she made me hurt. I was my fault and it was my duty to take all her anger and make her happy again. It was my life. I loved her.

Then there were moments when everything was like in the beginning. When I was truly happy. It was when we had sex. Or more like the moments after sex. When we held each other. I loved it when we made love. It was making her feel good in the best way possible. It was being close to her. And after it we held each other close and I could listen to her heart beat and feel loved. Love and feel so loved that I could explode from the feeling. They were the moments of my happiness. Moments of our happiness.

So, mostly I was just content with my life. I lived for her and it was okay. I liked it that way, it made me happy. She gave me her love and I gave her mine. I could give anything to her as long as I had her love. As long I had those moments.

Anyway there were moments when even Susan's presence couldn't keep the pain away. Those moments were when I saw Blake. When I saw him, I couldn't keep it away. I had to remember and it hurt. Also, he didn't ever try to approach me. There where few times he looked at me but he looked at me like I was.. no one. Or anybody. Because he looked at everyone like they were no one. Friends were his exception. And I didn't really know why but it hurt me. He didn't care about me anymore. At all. I cared about him. No, I wasn't in love with him, I never had been. Still I cared about him. He had been.. he was my friend. But I had something more important to me and because of it, I had to drive him away from me.

Slowly my pain started to fade away. I learned to be happy for myself and not only for Susan. I learned to live again. Susan was still my life but now I included myself there too. I started to matter. My feelings started to matter.

First it was hard for Susan to adjust to that I didn't do everything for her and everything didn't go as she wanted. That I started to take myself into consideration. It wasn't because she was selfish. It was simply because she was used to being the only thing in my life. When I talked to her about it, she understood. Of course the truth of she controlling my life and being selfish even if she didn't mean to, hurt her. But she understood. And slowly life started to be quite normal again.

Seeing Blake didn't hurt me anymore but of course I missed him sometimes. I had Susan and it was a lot. I didn't need anything else. And of course we had Al, so, we weren't alone either. It was the three of us again. It was like in the beginning. We only had a stronger bond between us. We were able to cry on each other's shoulders when the past came back to haunt us, but we had forgiven and gotten past it. We just hadn't forgotten it. And we'd never will, but we weren't supposed to. If we forgot the things that had happened, we wouldn't learn from them. Now we had learned. And we were happy again.

Untill something bad happened.

Susan was ordered to meet the leaders and when she came back I heard the news.

"They said that I can't stay", she blurted out.

I was dumbfounded. They just said that she can't stay. How can they do that? And what are we going to do now? What can I do? Finally I got myself to ask:

"What, why?"

"There have been complaints about how a woman in the army distracts the men", she answered and I could hear anger in her voice.

"Distracts the men", I repeated her words like a parrot. Even my voice was hoarse like parrot's because fear made my throat tighten. What would happen now?

"Yeah! Men can't run with their boners or something", the lady scout yelled and I stared at her.

"What?" I asked quetly. Somehow I felt like I couldn't understand a word she said. Only thing I understood was that Susan and I were going to be separated.

"And they know I live in the same room with you.. You may get in some trouble after I leave", she mumbled and looked at me apologetically.

"It's not your fault", I answered in a monotone voice.

Fuck the life. There was no future.