When she left I did nothing but screamed. For five minutes I screamed as hard as I could. I needed to let my pain out. It didn't help. I still hurt so much and everything in me was broken. And now my throat ached too. Not like that mattered.

Susan had said to me that she'll come back. She said that she didn't know how but she will come back. She won't leave me. She did. She left me all alone and in pain. She ripped my heart out of my chest, put it in a freezer and shoved the cold, lifeless meat back in me.

I cried. I cried in a desperate, wretched, agonizing way. In a way humans should not cry. Because that way kills you inside.

I cried till I was empty. Till I could not cry anymore. I was empty and I was barely able to feel the cold, hard floor that I was lying on. My mouth was dry and throat sore. Sounds of life outside my room were distant and unimportant.

I realized that I had closed my eyes. That was why it was so dark. I didn't dare to open them in fear that I had lost my sight so I kept them closed. After a while I felt my worn body falling asleep. Or maybe I was dying. Who cared? I didn't.

I woke up when someone entered the room. My body was aching everywhere, my head hurt, throat was dry and sore and there were a weird kind of metallic taste in my mouth. I clumsily sat up and opened my eyes. Everything was blurry. The fear of losing my vision came back and I hastily rubbed my eyes. After opening my eyes again world begun to seem clearer. I looked up.

"Hey, are you okay?" a man kneeled down in front of me and leaned close. A warm hand was on my cheek. His hand. I started to realize.

"Blake? What the fuck?" I blurted out those confused words. I grabbed his hand on my cheek and pulled it away.

"I'm going to move in. Is that okay?" he asked and smiled friendly. I frowned and replied:

"What? No! I.."

I realized that Susan was gone. Tears begun to form in the corner of my eyes. Susan wasn't here with me anymore. There were no arms to hold me. There were no warm body to be next to me when I woke up in the mornings. There were no one to kiss, to hug, to comfort, to laugh with, to share my life with. There were.. There were no love.

I started to sob and Blake hugged me. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him close. This wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. I needed to get my loved one back.. I had done that once, why not do it again?

I fought my way out of Blake's embrace and he looked at me confused.

"Now. What the fuck were you thinking? You just think you can come back like that?" I asked angrily. My body ached. I needed to get up.

"I couldn't before because of your dear scout chick, remember?"

I stood up as quickly as I could with all the pain and stiffness. Was he behind this? Had he complained? What the fuck, may I ask... What the fuck..

"You! Did you..? Was it you?" I yelled at him as he stood up as well.

"Did I what, exactly?" he asked and raised an eyebrow. His expression was way too smug.

"Tell them! Did you tell them?"

"What if I did?" he replied calmly.

I was so angry that adrenaline in my blood made me shake. My body wasn't so tired after all. I still cried but it was out of anger. I hated how it seemed to make me look vulnerable to Blake. If he really was the one who destroyed my world, he deserved to die. Painfully.

"Did you?" I asked and tried to force my voice calm as well. Unsuccessfully. It came out as a scream.

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't", he shrugged.

Before I could answer to that came the familiar call for soldiers. The base was being invaded.

"You better stay away from my flamethrower or you may get some serious burns", I hissed at Blake.

"You wouldn't dare", he stated, unsure.

"Oh, you'll see."

Fighting and defending were my regular basis so it came to me mechanically, without thinking. Smashed this head and stabbed that back, burned these guys and dodged those bullets. Easy. While I did my job I looked for Blake. I really wanted that guy to suffer. But instead of him, I found her.

"Susan!" I yelled through my gasmask. Hope and joy filled me. And then hit the fear. She wasn't safe. What if she got hurt? I noticed she had some red's bat that she was swinging in some soldiers face at the moment. Good, she had a weapon. I saw the soldier fall as I sprinted towards her. Running was pretty hard in my suit. She turned and noticed me. I yelled again.

"Max? I fucking couldn't just start a new life and.." she started but was interrupted by a red scout's bat. I shoved my lover a bit further away and burned the guy.

"Hey? Max?"

I decided to fuck the security and ripped the mask off of my face, leaned in and kissed her. I loved the feeling of her lips, her skin. I had though I had lost it.

Suddenly she fell limp in my arms and something flew on my face. Something warm and moist and what almost blinded me.

I supported Susan with my right hand and tried to wipe my face with my left one. The dirty rubber glove was clumsy and felt horrible on my face. But not nearly as horrible as realization.

I looked at Susan lying limp in my arms. There were a huge hole right above her right eye. Eye under the wound was covered in blood but the other one stared at nothing. I shook her and her head rolled lazily from side to side. She was dead.

I stared her and after a little while my knees gave in. I fell on the ground still holding Susan's body. Everything felt hazy. It sounded like the battlefield was way too far away from us to be even in the same continent. I took off my gloves and petted her cheek. Warm and soft. Then I begun to cry.

She was gone. For a moment I had had her and then I lost her again. This time it was permanent. I pressed my face against hers while sobbing loudly. I needed her to say something and hold me. I was so lonely but she didn't take me in her lap and pet me. Even if I begged her. Again and again I tugged her shirt and asked her to hold me. She didn't. She didn't smile at me, kiss my forehead and tell me it's going to be okay. So, it wasn't going to okay. Ever.

I saw my shotgun lying on the ground. I didn't know when I had dropped it. Or maybe it wasn't mine. It didn't matter. As long as it had bullets in it. I reached for it and checked. Yes, it did have ammo.

"I'm so sorry, my love. Why you.. you don't answer and I can't live with it", I mumbled in Susan's chest. If I had had hope yesterday, I didn't have it anymore. Quickly a thought passed through my head. Had Blake been the one who shot? Well, it didn't matter. She was dead any way. I wasn't angry. I was just sad. Endlessly sad. I was drowning in a bottomless pool of sadness.

"I love you. I won't leave you alone", I sobbed and grabbed the weapon more tightly. I really wasn't going to live without her. That wasn't a real life.

I heard someone yelling my name. Probably Blake. Fuck him. He wasn't going to have me. I was going to go with my love. Now.

I aimed the gun towards my head and pulled the trigger.