ljohns: Aww, thanks :D well, this is maybe a bit longer XD thank you! ^^
starstrukxxx: Sure, another chapter comes here! XD I don't know how long this story is going to be, but it seems like we need at least one or two chapters more! Thankkkks ^^
A/N: OK, third chapter it is! We shall see how long this story gets xD
I kept walking around my room, stopped every once in a while to have some soup; it was actually really good. I'd never had doubts about Kurt's cooking skills, but he managed to surprise me every once in a while. In a way I could've eaten it all, but I had to think about my lines. And I knew that Kurt was going to return right after the movie so he'd probably be hungry. Of course, he was having dinner before the movie, but at some point he'd still want to eat.
I jogged around the room, slowly extended my area to the whole house. Two floors weren't really enough for me, but I didn't dare to go out. With my luck, I would've bumped into Kurt and the rest of the family. I didn't want to explain to all of them why I was out, when Kurt had already told that I was sick. It would be hard enough to try to tell Kurt, it would be a disaster to have all of them at once.
I tried to sit down but it wasn't easy. I noticed that I was breathing really fast, I tried to cool myself down. I didn't want to die of a heart-attack before having told to Kurt. I almost hated myself, I knew I had to tell him but had zero ideas how. I had only been able to concentrate on the part that I had to tell him, not in how to tell. Probably I should just go with the moment, I wasn't good with romance or speaking about feelings but maybe I'd survive.
I sighed deep, I wanted everything to be perfect for Kurt. Could he even be happy with me? I knew really well who I was, with all my little mistakes and flaws. He had once hinted that he possibly wanted more than friendship with me but did he still feel the same? I could give him everything I had and hope that it'd be enough. Kurt would never admit if he wanted more, he was way too sweet for that. And I wasn't brave enough to ask.
I really wasn't brave at all. Had never been. I'd ran from my bullies pretty much every time, with a little help from mum and dad. Well, in a way it didn't matter that much where we lived, they travelled a lot, Everett had a lot of those camps and football-things. Speaking had never been too easy for me, nevertheless speaking about my deepest feelings. No matter if it was grief, love or pain. Only once had I been courageous and told to my crush how I had felt, just to be rejected. I was good in helping others, telling them to be courageous.
I was lacking some parts, I was sure of it. It was crazy to even assume that Kurt'd want anything special from me anymore. But deep inside there was this little voice saying that I might have some chances with him, no matter how small. I wanted to give it a try, maybe Kurt would have some kind words for me, once again. He might be able to ease my mind.
I got up as if lightning had struck me, an idea had just jumped into my head! I could ask Kurt to help me with some random guy! I just wouldn't mention that it was him that I needed help with. Besides, I would see his reaction, I could try to interpret if he still wanted me. Or he might even be clever, as usual, and understand that I was talking about him. That would probably be the best way for me, I might even survive with it.
I glanced at the watch, it sure was going around fast. And yet it wasn't fast enough. Having no idea about what to say was frustrating, but I kind of wanted to try if I could get through it with intuition. I knew it was going to be terrible, I'd sure be shaky and stressed and all. I didn't know what was going to come out of it but I wished for something really special. It would really make my day, my week, my month, my life!
I decided to take a shower, maybe it would cool down me a bit. I was bubbling under my skin, all boiling. I turned the water on, I wanted cold water. It almost froze me, but it was good. Refreshing my mind, and it helped me to concentrate in how cold I felt. Too bad that I wanted to wash my hair, I knew I had to use warmer water to wash the shampoo off but this was good for now.
I thought I heard the doorbell ring, after a while I heard my phone ring. I washed the last bits of me and rushed to my phone. It actually was Kurt, was he already here? Had I really been in the shower that long? I ran to the door and opened it. Kurt was smiling at me, I gulped and tried to find some words quickly.
"Hey dear, I'm sorry, I was taking a shower," I said.
"I can see that. Why?" Kurt asked, tried to look serious.
"I just wanted to. I feel all better now. And thanks for the soup, it was just awesome," I stated and hugged him. I only then remember that I was all wet and had nothing but a towel around me, I let go of him fast.
"I'm sorry, I forgot I'm wet!" I apologized, trying to dry his clothes.
"It's OK, it's OK," he laughed. I smiled and asked him to come to my room so I could get dressed.
I got some clothes on as quick as I could and sat on my bed, Kurt followed me.
"Are you sure you feel good?" he asked, looked almost like he was about to throw me on my back. Just to rest, most probably. Otherwise I'd be really surprised.
"I'm sure, a bit of resting was all I needed. Along with the chicken-soup, it was superb," I stated with a smile.
"That's good to hear," he answered.
"There's still some left, would you want some? Or some diet Coke? I believe we have some," I offered but Kurt shook his head.
"I'm fine, remember, we just had dinner before the movie, it was one huge dinner. Carole had gotten a bit excited about cooking," Kurt laughed.
I smiled sheepishly and turned my eyes from Kurt. I stared at the wall for a while, it was time. From all of the sudden, words had escaped me once again. I looked at Kurt, he was staring at me.
"What?" Kurt asked.
I took a deep breath of air and tried not to feel like I was fainting. It was so hard to open my mouth.
"I was just thinking. How was your evening?" I used the last trick I knew, to gain more time.
"It was great. Went the way that it was supposed to. Not that I wouldn't have loved to spend the evening with you, but it was such a nice evening," Kurt smiled. I wanted to ask more, but couldn't do it.
"Can we talk?" I asked, knowing it was a bit of a sudden change.
"Aren't we now? Nah, just kidding, of course we can. What's on your mind?" Kurt asked and changed his position a bit.
I looked at his gorgeous blue eyes, this was even harder than I had thought.
"I've been thinking a lot of this lately, trying to find the right words. But it has been in vain, I only get stressed and restless and everything. I have absolutely no idea about how I should say this so please don't judge me," I almost begged.
"Didn't I use those words once? You were nothing but supportive and that's what I'll try to be now. What is it?" the kindest boy of all asked.
Silence took over both of us for a while, Kurt was giving me time and I was trying to find my tongue. I bit my lip and decided to go for it. I might run at the wall but well, at least I could say I tried.
"Well, there's this guy that I kind of have a thing for," I started. I really didn't dare to look at Kurt, he'd see everything from my eyes.
"Is there? That's nice, I guess," he answered. I tried to listen carefully to his tone, trying to find out the meaning behind the words.
"I'd want to tell him that I care for him but I don't know how to say it," I explained.
"You could just say it like that, you know? It's a good way if you ask me," he proposed.
"But I don't want him to get it the wrong way. And what if he doesn't think that way about me anymore?" I asked.
"Is there a wrong way? Wait a second, I want to get this straight. So this guy has already told you that he has feelings for you?" Kurt asked. I nodded, looked at him quickly, he was staring at me.
"So what's the problem here? Can't you just say that you have feelings for him? No matter how I'd love to help, I don't really think I could do it for you, it would be kind of creepy," Kurt stated and stroke my hair.
"You don't even know how creepy it'd be! I'm just afraid of saying it out loud, I'm afraid it would change everything dramatically," I revealed.
"But if you wish that the two of you would ever be more than friends, things need to change. Can you tell me who are you talking of? Maybe I could know something about how he's doing," Kurt suggested.
I gulped, should this be the moment to reveal what I was talking about? I'd probably never get another chance, not as good as this one.
"I'm talking about you," I bursted.
Kurt fell silent and looked at me. He seemed to be surprised, couldn't utter a word.
"I've been wanting to tell for a few days, I decided to do it last night. That's why I've been acting weird today. I've been thinking about you and how you'd react and how should I say it. I still remember last Valentine's day, it kind of opened my eyes," I explained.
"You have feelings for... me?" Kurt repeated and pointed his index finger at himself. I nodded and tried to smile, but the expression on my face was nothing but a ridiculous grin.
"Wow. Just, wow," Kurt said and looked at my wall. I didn't know if it was a good or a bad sign, I remained silent for a good while.
"I've been thinking a lot about you after that talk. I know it's like ages ago, but well, I've always been a bit slow, you know that. And it took quite some time to realize and accept that I... that I... have certain feelings," I finished, there was no way I could say that I loved Kurt. The word and the thing behind the word felt too big for me, too big for now. I was interested in Kurt but it would be love only if he had feelings for me too. Strong, powerful feelings. Besides, how could I even know what love was? No one had ever loved me, not in a romantic way.
I glanced at Kurt, this waiting sure felt long. Longer than the whole day had been. I assumed he needed some time to digest it, I decided to continue explaining.
"I totally understand if you've lost your interest towards me, and it's cool that way. And everything should anyway be perfect for you, because that's what you deserve. I'll never be perfect, I know it. I just thought that maybe I should share my feelings with you. I want to be open and with this inside me, it's impossible," I almost whispered, it was the loudest form of speech I could produce at the time.
"I do have feelings for you, they haven't gone anywhere," Kurt said, I straightened my back at once. I was about to continue speaking, but Kurt lifted his finger, I froze. "I too have been thinking about what you said on Valentine's Day."
I cursed myself in my mind, did I mess everything up even before it could've been something? Why hadn't I learned to keep my mouth shut at all times? All would be better with me remaining silent.
"I have a lot of feelings for you, actually, some more innocent than others. But the fact is, I don't want to screw this up either. I don't believe that I'm any better than you in romance, I just know I never want to lose you. What if we start dating and after a while it turns out that it could never work? Do we just cut all bonds we have?" Kurt asked, looking deadly serious.
I had been thinking about the exact same things before, now I had kind of forgotten about them. I guessed I was interested in giving it a go. And I believed that we could be a lovely couple.
"You'd want to date me?" I asked, that was pretty much all that had caught my ear.
"Hell yeah I'd want, have been wanting for ages. But I don't want to mess things up," Kurt added.
"We could be like Emmett and Theodore from Queer as Folk, right?" I said.
"Did't they break up? I don't think it would be that nice," Kurt stated.
"Only because Ted was using drugs. I'm not going to do so, I believe that you're not planning on doing so either. Besides, I still haven't seen the fifth season, I don't know how it ends," I muttered.
We were looking at each other, I hadn't really notice how close to each other we were sitting. It was like the world around us had disappeared, I could see only Kurt. I started leaning towards him, he was leaning to me too. His eyes full of shining stars were getting closer, but just as are lips were about to have some kind of contact, he escaped.
I tried to look at his eyes, he avoided my gaze. My heart bumped like it was having a panic-attack, I didn't think that this meant anything good. I knew it, he hated me, after all these words! Had I now destroyed also the friendship between us? I'd die if I lost Kurt now, he was more precious to me than anyone could ever guess. Maybe even more than my family. I loved my parents and Everett but there were certain things I could never trust with any of them. Kurt was the only one who knew me as a whole.
"Can I just think about it for a while? I'm definitely not saying no, but I'm not saying yes either. It's a big decision and I wouldn't want to do it hastily. I've been thinking about us a lot, would be a lie to say something else, but this discussion has changed things quite a bit," Kurt explained quietly, lifted his head a bit.
I looked at him, tried not to look as frightened as I felt inside. Well, it wasn't a straight no but it really wasn't a yes either. OK, maybe I had been a bit too hasty, probably he didn't hate me.
"Well, take your time. I'd love you to answer now but if you need time, take it. I understand," I answered and smiled bravely. I didn't know what else to say.
Kurt stroke my cheek and hugged me strongly.
"Thank you. I only need to do some more thinking. I value you more than anything, I'm not sure if I have enough courage to risk you. I want you to stay in my life for ever," he whispered.
"I'll stay by you, I promise that. Can you promise the same to me?" I asked, my voice was shallow, speaking indeed wasn't easy.
"I promise. Let me just take a bit of time. Everything'll be alright," he said and almost made me cry. It maybe was a cliché but I needed to hear it every once in a while. Maybe this could really be solved, in a good way.