For anyone who is interested. The title of the story refers to two scenes shown in EE in April this year.
'Gas man' comes from the scene where Syed comes back from the flat after Masood has seen him and Christian kissing and explains that he was late due to the 'gas man'.
Gas man = Christian
'Pizza delivery boy' comes from the scene where Christian and Masood are in The Vic and Christian is lying and telling Masood he saw him kissing a pizza delivery boy in Syed's flat.
Pizza delivery boy = Syed
Chapter 3 - The other almost-mother-in-law
Christian was panicing. His mother was due any minute and Syed wasn't back yet. He had gone to the Minute Mart to get some food, wine and, if Christian was in luck and Syed had forgotten all about this stupid sex ban, some condoms, for when his mother had left. Christian had sneakily written it down on the shopping list whilst Syed was in the bathroom and he hoped that the combination of this brazen act, which was bound to make Syed laugh, and the mortifying event of him having to spend the day with his mother might make Syed feel sorry for him. At this moment he was one step away from being totally pathetic and begging Syed. Christian felt sure though that it wouldn't come to that and that Syed's resolve would wilt and they'd be naked within minutes of his mother walking out the flat door.
BUZZ BUZZ
"Oh damn. She's here. I want to die", Christian muttered to himself glumly, scanning his eyes over the state of the flat one last time. "Good, everything is where it should be". He casually strolled over to the flat door and yanked it open, fixing his mother with a long-suffering smile.
"Mother", Christian grimaced, trying in vain to relax the strained features on his face and convey a sense of open mother-son love.
"Christian. Don't just stand there. Let me in", Linda snapped impatiently, her green eyes attempting to look past Christian into the flat.
"Come in. Make yourself at home", Christian drawled, sarcastically, stepping aside and letting his mother past.
"Don't worry, dear. I intend to", Linda simpered, taking off her coat and scarf and dumping them on Christian's outstretched hands. "Pleasure", Christian muttered darkly, despositing the items on the coat peg behind the front door.
"So where is this boyfriend then? This Sy-eeeeed". Christian almost failed to supress a snigger but managed to turn it into a coughing fit, earning him a cold glare and a frown. "Jane has told me all about him. Asian isn't he? And Muslim? Wouldn't have thought he'd be your type, considering...", Linda trailed off, pouring herself a double vodka and plonking herself down onto the sofa.
"Considering what?". Christian frowned, pursing his lips.
"Well, it's hardly you is it Christian? A Muslim? I bet his parents just love you", she chortled, downing the voda in one go.
Christian screwed up his face. "We get on just fine, thank you...", Christian trailed off, hearing keys outside. Linda turned to face the opening door, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting Syed.
"Christian. What the hell do you think you are doing putting condoms on this list? Do you really think I'm going to give in that easily...Oh, Mrs Clarke...". Syed stopped, turning away with a shy smile and feeling his ears burning hot. Syed quickly closed the door and walked into the kitchen with the grocery bags, not looking at Christian, who was looking decidely pale.
No one spoke whilst Syed unpacked the bags and put the milk in the fridge but something had to break the silence and as it was, it was the unfortunate dropping of a wine bottle that broke the awkward tension that had consumed the flat.
Syed squirmed, and hovered on the spot whilst Christian searched the cupboards for the dustpan and brush to clean up the mess and smashed glass that no decorated their tiled kitchen floor.
"Syed. I've brought you some soup. I make it this morning at the unit. It will do you good", Zainab bellowed through the front door. Syed froze. He was in such a rush to get back to the flat and berate Christian for his nerve, that he must have left the blue outside door on the latch, and knowing his mother, she would have taken that as an open invitation.
"What?", Christian mouthed, looking at Syed intently, who had gone the distinct shade of a very red tomato and was attempting to busy himself with a piece of dirt on the cooker top.
"I told her I caught your cold and that's why I couldn't work today", Syed lamented sheepishly. "What? You know my mother"
Christian stalked over to the door, yanking it open to see a red-faced Zainab staring back at him with hostile brown eyes.
"I hope you are looking after him", she said, pushing past Christian, plastic food container in hand.
"What? I thought you said you were ill in bed?", Zainab grunted, seeing her red-faced son on his hands and knees on the floor, attempting to sweep up shards of glass off the kitchen floor. "And you have company as well", she shrilled, eying Christian dangerously.
Syed seemed particulary fasinated by the glass on the floor so Christian had to think hard to placate the No. 1 dragon almost-mother-in-law and then attempt to rescue the disastrous day with No. 2 dragon almost-mother-in-law. Offering her a flat smile, he steered Zainab over to the sofa and took the food container from her.
"Looks lovely Zainab. Thank you", he simpered, placing it down on the coffee table. "Erm...", he glanced between the two women, both of whom had perfected looks of what he imagined a violent volcanio would look like if it were human, ready to erupt and crush all in its path, namely sexy men named Christian and their gorgeous Muslim boyfriends.
"This is Linda Clarke, my mother. Mother, this is Zainab Masood, Sy's mother". The two women surveyed each other with suspicion, exchanging tolerant smiles.
Zainab directed her focus on Christian. "Sy? Sy? Who or what is this Sy? His name is Syed, Christian. Do try and respect some things that are important to us, will you?". She glowered at Christian, who turned away. Pulling a face, he stalked over to where Syed was now standing, leaning against the kitchen worktop, muttering to himself.
"Seeing as we have no wine now...It's okay, Sy...", Christian soothed, on seeing the dejected look on Syed's face, "We'll go out to eat"
XXXX
"You know you said we were going to emigrate? Well, get packing sunshine. We're leaving. Now". Syed announced, poking Christian in the ribs and encouraging him to walk quicker.
"Will you stop being so dramatic. It wasn't that bad", Christian retorted, refusing to look Syed in the eyes.
"Christian. Me, you, my mother and your mother. Dinner in a resturant. How is that 'wasn't that bad'? Did you temporarily go blind and deaf? I can't believe your mother would just bring that up like that. And my mother's face".
"Your Mum will get over it. Although on her list of vermin, I'm now probably bottom of the list, I'm lower than pond scum covered in rat's poo that has flies around it. In fact, I'm not even worthy to be on the list anymore", Christian joked, kicking a pebble along the pavement. Christian tried to give Syed a reassuring smile but it looked more like a grimace to Syed and he cast his eyes back down to the pavement in misery.
"I can't believe Mum would even remember seeing it anyway. It was years ago". Christian mumbled, pouting and silently cursing his mother for overdosing on the red wine at dinner.
"Christian. It's not every day a mother sees her son's box of sex toys". Syed shivered, remembering the look of sheer horror on his mother's face as Linda had drunkenly recounted the time she had stumbled upon what Christian liked to call, 'his box of fun'.
"Right. I'll book the plane tickets, you pack our bags. Deal?" Christian held out his hand to Syed as they reached the blue outside door to their flat.
"I can't pack. Remember Benidorm?" Syed giggled, recalling the time they had gone on holiday to Benidorm and he had packed all of their summer wear but had forgotten to include their underwear, leading to them using copious amounts of washing powder and a hot afternoon spent trudging round the shops buying new pairs. Syed was mortified but Christian had never forgotten and repeatedly brought it up in conversation with friends and family.
"Come on you", Christian drawled as he unlocked the door and steered Syed up the stairs, following closely behind him.
"Oi, stop touching my arse". Syed turned around, batting Christian's hand away. "This is all you are getting tonight". Syed leaned forwards and kissed Christian gently on the lips, twisting away from Christian's grasp and then bounding up the remaining stairs.