Chapter 5: Gone
His eyes bore deep into my soul and I felt my heart twist into a knot. I watched as relief watched over his face when he realized I was there. Nathan needed me to be his rock and I wasn't sure if I could be that for him.
"You can do it ya know." Peyton called from the steps. I turned quickly and realized that I hadn't even seen her come out.
"Huh, what?"
"You can be there for him. I know you can. You love hard Luke. You love with your entire body and heart, Luke. You just need to learn to follow it."
"I follow my heart."
"Just like you followed it to me and Brooke when clearly you were looking for Tim or Jake or even Nathan."
"Fine, caught red handed." I exclaimed, jokingly putting my hands up.
"Duh."
"Yeah Broody, we know you too well." I turned my body towards Brooke with my back towards the café.
"Too well is right. I'm not talking to you guys anything ever again."
"Yeah right. You're practically one of the girls now." Peyton countered walking to face me.
"Not if I have anything to do with it." Nathan said from behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned onto my shoulder from behind. "I like my Lucas just the way he is."
"Did you hear that P.Sawyer? He said "my" Lucas."
"I heard it B.Davis."
"Alright enough." Nathan said getting a little ticked off at the girls.
"No its not. Say it again." I begged.
"You, Lucas, are mine for now and forever."
"Good." I said as I turned around and planted a kiss right on his lips.
"Awww." Both girls cooed.
"Enough now I think my mom was expecting me."
I turned and allowed Nathan's fingers to become intertwined with my own as we walked into the café.
The glass door quietly shut behind me and I saw my mom's tear stained eyes look up. She saw our hands and smiled if only for a second. My mom and I have this bond where we don't ever have to say a word and we know exactly what the other is thinking. I knew then that the idea of Nathan and I would not be a problem for her. She quickly got up from behind the counter and ran into my arms. I held her tight and told her that it was going to be okay. It felt like an eternity before I let go of her but in reality it wasn't that long. We slowly slipped apart and she guided us to the rooftop. The memories came flooding back and I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I could see chairs everywhere and the old TV was set up. I stood hesitantly but willingly headed toward a seat after Brooke and Peyton started nudging me.
"Come on baby. Sit with me." Nathan whispered in my ear. I couldn't tell if it was his soft breathe on my neck or just hearing what he said that caused my knees to go weak and my breath to become shallow. I leaned against him and felt his strong hands holding me tighter than I've ever been held before. He quickly guided me to a chair and allowed me to lean on him. I closed my eyes and just took in the calming effect that comes over me whenever I am close to him. I could feel Nathan nudge me and I opened my eyes and looked up at him. His eyes were fixed on the screen and I could sense an uneasiness about him. I turned to glance at the screen and jumped up immediately. There plastered on the screen was Haley's face. She looked weak and was wearing a hospital gown and I knew it was from right before she died. I glanced again at Nathan and saw a look of surprise on his face. Brooke looked unsettled about the situation and Peyton was dumbstruck. Brooke was the only person to know what was going to happen. I knew that she hinted it was going to be bad to Nathan but he didn't know how bad it really was. Peyton and I were in the same situation, neither of us knew what was going to happen and neither of us was happy about it. I turned my attention back to the television screen. The sound clicked on and I heard her voice.
"Okay, so I am not going to cry. In fact, I want this to be as quick as possible. First of, I want to say that I love each and every one of you guys. Each of you will always hold a special part in my heart. Tigger, gosh, you are the craziest most talented fashion designer cheerleader captain ever. You made my life interesting and upbeat and I thank you for it…"
I turned my attention to Brooke and caught a tear fall from her eyes. Peyton held her close and tensed because she thought Haley would acknowledge her next. I turned my attention back to the TV to see Haley start to cry a little.
"Peyton, you soulful artist you. Your hands create magic like I could only imagine. That picture you gave me of me holding Baby James will forever be embedded in my mind. I hope that you find peace and love in your work Peyton, never let anything or better anyone ever stop you…"
Peyton was nodding at Haley and I could see her hand was shaking. It was like reliving the pain all over again. Nothing could be worse than finally letting go. And that's what we were doing, we were saying our final goodbye.
"Nathan…my sweet Nathan. I took you from an obnoxious jerk to a warm hearted and loving father and how do you repay me by going gay and having the hotts for my best friend. Okay just kidding, you gave me the best thing in the world and I want you to promise me that you will protect James no matter what. And follow your heart Nathan tell him how you feel. Oops, I guess I kind of just did, huh?"
Nathan smiled and I knew that for them, the best way to say goodbye was to say anything but. His hand rubbed my shoulder and told me it would be okay. I could feel a tear slide down my face as I realized that I was next.
"Lucas, Luke, my best friend in the entire universe. I want you to open our school year wish list early and read it with Nathan. I want you to open up to him. Tell him how you feel, maybe even let him read your wonderfully written journal entries. He may just get as hot as I did and he will definitely need some attention. If you know what I mean. Oh but be careful, he packs a whopper."
I saw Haley smile and felt more at ease letting her go. I cried as I said goodbye to her. I vowed to do everything she asked me to and maybe I will do a little more. I want to be there for my godson. I want to see every memory that his mom can't. So silently in my head, I promised her that. I turned my attention back to the TV and saw that it was turned off. For some reason, I needed to know why Nathan made this and didn't tell me about it.
"Hey Nate."
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me about the tape before tonight?" I asked.
"I didn't know about the tape until tonight."
"Well then, who knew?" I asked looking around the room. Brooke and Peyton both shook their heads. I turned my attention to my mom and asked her.
"Mom, did you make this tape?"
"Yes. She asked me to."
"How could she ask you when aside from Nathan no one knew she was in the hospital?"
"I knew. She called me the first night."
"So you're telling me that you knew from the very beginning and you said nothing to me. You didn't tell me anything. Why wouldn't you tell me that the person who meant the most to me in the entire world was dying in the hospital?" I screamed. I could feel Nathan's hand on my shoulder attempting to get me to calm down. It wasn't working.
"Luke"
"No, she could have told me. She lied to me. For a whole week my mother lied to me. You know what, I can't be here anymore. I just can't." I said as I ran down the stairs and hopped in Brooke's car. I hit the gas and slammed the pedal down to the floor. I heard the tires screech as I drove off in the distance.